Hot Slut of the Day

The human car saver from Mar del Plata, Argentina who tried to save his true love, his car, from getting murdered with hail bullets by throwing his body on top of it before going roof swimming.

This is every auto company executive's idea of porn. A dude in Argentina has so much love in his heart for his damn car that he threw his body on top of it and internally shouted "Take me instead, nature! Take me!" while blocking the hail from hitting the only thing he's ever loved. (The way he's passionately trying to save that car tells me that he's definitely had some special moments with that car's exhaust pipe.) Dude kind of looks like a half-broken wind-up plastic frog in the tub, but how can I hate on love?

And he's probably getting a back massage out of it!

via Yahoo

The princess dog purse that Quvenzhane Wallis carried at last night's Oscars!

Hush Puppy has been carrying dog purses during this entire awards season, but she outdid herself with the princess dog purse she carried last night. That dog purse is dressed better than most of the hos there and its hair looked fresher too. Even though Hush Puppy didn't win last night, she still had the best accessory of the night (no shade to John Travolta's long haired guinea pig wig).

And somewhere in Hollywood, Quvenzhane's princess dog purse is taking off its tiara to maul the shit of an onion. Because last night The Onion trolled everyone and made Twitter explod when they called little 9-year-old Quevenzhane a regular Kardashian.

Robert Opel, the mustached streaker whose hippie dick bush stole the show at the Oscars in 1974!

Usually, one of the only rules I follow when picking a HSOTD is that if they're human, they have to be alive, but I'm breaking that rule again to pay homage to an Oscar legend on this Oscar Sunday. During the 1974 Oscars, the show's co-host David Niven was about to introduce presenter Elizabeth Taylor when a nekkid ass nekkid Robert Opel ran behind him and gave millions of people two eyefuls of his swinging peen and luscious crotch bush. Robert Opel showed the Oscar trophy that it isn't the only one who can be fully naked on stage. David Niven didn't miss one beat and after he got a quick look at Robert's scene-stealing fun parts, he said to the audience, "Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was almost bound to happen... But isn't it fascinating to think that probably the only laugh that man will ever get in his life is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings?"

Robert Opel claimed that he got backstage by pretending to be a journalist. Others think that the producers of the Oscars were regular STUNT QUEENS, because some evidence shows that the whole thing was planned. The show's business manager claims that during rehearsals, David Niven came up with the now famous line and wrote it down on a piece of paper.

After Robert flashed a piece sign and his extra furry piece, he became a semi-celebrity. Famous people hired his ass (and peen) to make an appearance at their parties. Robert would streak at parties for a check. Robert used some of his streaking money to open up a gay male art studio in San Francisco in the late 1970s called Fey-Way-Studios. Two robbers killed Robert in 1979 while trying to rob his studio.

Robert is gone, but the memory of his Oscar night nalgas show lives on forever! And I hope the producers keep Robert's legacy alive tonight. Tonight's shit show might be over 4 hours long, so I hope those bitches make it worth our while by giving us a streak show or ten (starring Ryan Gosling, B. Coop, Hugh JackMeOff, Jamie Foxx, etc...).

The pigeon from Amour!

So I went to see the feel good movie of the year Amour last night and if you haven't seen it and are planning to see, just do what I did: see at a movie theater that serves lots of booze. If you can find a theater that has a wine tap right next to your seat so you can just guzzle down the sweet nectar non-stop, even better! I read a ton of reviews when Amour came out in the US and I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I sat down in that theater chair, but it was still painful to watch and I couldn't have gotten through it without my best friend Pinot Noir (or Penis Yarn as I like to call him) by my side. Afterward as we were all walking out of the theater, some arty chick behind me said to her friend, "What a beautiful depiction of love," or something like that. While she was thinking positive thoughts, I was busy wishing that a tsunami of extra-strength Prozac pills would hit my mouth.

Anyway, during the movie, a really hot, scene-stealing pigeon makes a cameo appearance. The pigeon was obviously there for symbolism purposes, but my ass was just happy to see a dumb ass, attention whoring pigeon act like an attention whoring pigeon. Pigeons always have to invade somebody's personal space, but for once I was glad that a pigeon was invading someone's personal space. It was the closest thing to comedy relief I was going to get.

I read that the pigeon scene was shot 12 times and that Michael Haneke (director of my other favorite feel good movies Funny Games and The Piano Teacher) kept trying to direct the pigeon. I left the theater feeling depressed as shit, but I probably wouldn't have felt as depressed if during the credits they showed the bloopers from the pigeon scene.

And I can't wait to see what the Amour pigeon wears to the Oscars tomorrow!

The croc-fighting ginger and white pussy who will show any trick that she rules the streets Or in this case, that she rules the crocodile exhibit at a zoo in Jaipur, India.

Manu Chaudhary and her husband were watching the crocs at a zoo in Jaipur when she noticed that a regular old pussy had gotten into the enclosure and was hanging out by the water. The cat was just sitting there, staring at her badass reflection in the water and thinking about boxing a small fish or whatever. As she sat there, the Jaws theme song played in her ears, and out of the water came a crocodile with a nose like Tommy Lee's dick. If you were that cat, your slut ass probably would've sat on that croc's nose (yes, I typed that while looking into a mirror), but she didn't.

Manu Chaudhary told The Daily Mail that when the crocodile came at the cat, they all thought they were about to watch a bitch get checked. They did watch a bitch get checked, but in a surprise twist (!!!!), it was the pussy who checked the croc. That cat slapped a ho down. This is exactly what it looks like when the little Jenner girls come home without any money for Pimp Mama Kris.

I know it's not like that croc would've done anything since he's a Gharial and only eats tiny, little fish, but that pussy still showed him who the real bitch queen is.

(For Angela and Ken)

The Dizzy Doodler!

Writing about every first grader's drug of choice, Mr. Sketch's Scented Markers, the other day made me think about all the school supplies I obsessed over so I didn't have to obsess about actual school work and my brain burped up the Dizzy Doodler! The Dizzy Doodler was exactly what it looks like. It was a vibrating pen that made squiggles. That's it. Every time you used it, you felt like a strung out junkie with the shakes trying to sign his name on the methadone clinic sign-in sheet. It was the best. And while doing research for this highly important post, I came across something at Go Ask Alice that gave me a new appreciation for the Dizzy Doodler:

Alice,

Is there anything wrong with using a squiggle pen instead of a vibrator? I have been doing this for about four years now and it has done wonders! Am I weird?

Dear Reader,

No, you're not weird — if it's done wonders for you, you're lucky. Assuming that your squiggle pen is one of those battery-operated devices that writes wildly, as long as you're not making to-do lists on your nipples, clitoris, or penis, your substitute vibrator is probably okay. If one is going to put something in any body opening, the golden rules are: sharp, breakable, and hard-to-hold-on-to objects can be problematic, washing the gadget with warm water and soap after every use is generally a good idea, and pain is a good indicator to slow down, pull out, and/or go back to the drawing board.

If you stick it in your ass, you can put the doody in the Dizzy Dooler. And since when is it wrong to make to-do lists on your nipples?!

THIS police report Michigan's Trenton Police Department!


I am so happy that two Mondays ago, Florida took the day off and let Michigan bring the full-fledged foolery for a change. Everything about this police report is perfect from the romance by the horse area to the 67-year-old dildo sucker admitting that he's addicted (emphasis on dic) to dildos. Dude should be on Strange Addiction and the officer who wrote this police reporter should win a Pulitzer.

Narrative: On Monday, February, 11, 2013, at approximately 10:55am, I, Sgt. Allen was dispatched to Elizabeth Park by the horse area on a subject in a silver car sucking on a dildo. The witness was in a blue car in the area.

Upon my arrival to the area, the witness, [name blacked out], flagged me down and pointed to the silver 4dr car turning from the parking area on to Elizabeth heading toward the exit. [name blacked out] said the driver drove by [blacked out] and was sucking on a dildo, it appeared to be upsetting to [name blacked out] and wanted the vehicle stopped and investigated.

I stopped the vehicle by the exit to the park. The vehicle was bearing [blacked out]/MI tag of [blacked out] with - vin of [blacked out], on a 2010 Ford Fusion, registered to [name blacked out], with OPS - [name blacked out], resides on [address blacked out].

Upon my approach to the driver's door, the driver was the only occupant and not wearing a seat belt. I also saw, a flesh colored dildo lying on the passenger seat. I questioned [name blacked out] on what he was doing and [name blacked out] said, "SUCKING ON A DILDO, I'M SORRY." [name blacked out] admitted to having a problem with sex toys.

I arrested Mr. [name blacked out] for Disorderly Conduct in a public park. Ptl. Durbin transported [name blacked out] to the Trenton jail and processed him into booking. [name blacked out]'s car was towed by Lyons. [name blacked out] was issued a ticket #T612324 for Disorderly Conduct and no seat belt.

And I'm sorry, but you should never be sorry about sucking on a dildo. More importantly, how is giving a beej to a dildo in your car on a Monday morning a crime?! Doesn't "free" in land of the "free" also include sucking a plastic peen in your car on a Monday morning?

Source: TSG via Buzzfeed

Mr. Sketch Scented Markers, the gateway drug for every grade schooler!

If you show me a box of used up Mr. Sketch Scented Markers, I'll show you a 6-year-old who sniffed them all up and is now trolling the aisles of Blick art supplies store for their next fix. Mr. Sketch Scented Markers weren't banned at my school, but they were banned at some schools, because those things turned your average kid into a raging, slobbering markerhead. They'd sniff 'em all up and then they'd trade their lunch for another one.

One minute your first grader is sniffing the grape scent out of a purple marker and then next minute they're moving on up to the "crack of markers" Sharpie! They really should have a rehab program for Mr. Sketch Scented Marker addicts, because I'm sure many parents have walked into the bathroom and found their kid on the floor with green marker stains on their nostrils and blue marker stains on their tongue (because once you sniffed it, you had to lick it).

The Mr. Sketch Scented Marker addiction is a real addiction.

And Mr. Sketch even sounds like a drug dealer name.

Chuck and Wynona from The Amazing Race, season 500 (give or take a few seasons)!

Technically, this should be a Hot Slut (singular) of the Day since Chuck is clearly the hottest one. But Wynona chose to marry Chuck, so that automatically makes her equally as hot, because she has extremely hot tastes. The Amazing Race started again last night for the millionth time and they didn't really show much of Chuck and Wynona, but they're clearly the stars of the show. Chuck is the co-manager of a Walmart and taxidermy is his passion. Wynona thinks she's a lot like Lynette from Desperate Housewives and she also styles hair.

They obviously both know hair majorly. Chuck looks like a Cocker Spaniel with a tight curly perm and  he's like a real life Kenny Powers. Wynona looks like a more beautiful Suzanne Somers with way more gorgeous hair.

Thank the Gods of Beauty that these two have children, because their gorgeousness needs to be passed down to a younger generation.

The Dildomaker from designer Francesco Morackini!

Have you ever sexed herself raw with a cucumber and thought to yourself that it would've been soooooo much better if the cucumber was circumcised and had a head? Well, Francesco Morackini heard your genitals' screams and thought of a machine that will turn almost anything into a fuck-ready dildo! That candle sitting on your coffee table? You can fuck it! That weird Sir Charles the Dog wine bottle holder from the Bombay Company your auntie got you for Christmas? You can fuck it! That branch on the tree in front of your house? You can fuck it! You can fuck it all! The world is your dildo.

Francesco says on his website (via HuffPo) that he was inspired by the original hand-cranked Loewy pencil sharpener, which totally makes sense, because who hasn't looked at an old timey pencil sharpener and thought that it would be so much better if it circumcised that long stick of wood instead of sharpening it.

Sadly, the Dildomaker is only a concept and so for now, you'll have to settle for doing yourself with a regular old, uncut carrot. (Or if you're thinking that the Dildomaker would also make the perfect at-home circumcision machine, then you'll have to settle for circumcising you or your loved one with a regular old Ginsu knife for now.) If the Dildomaker ever makes it to stores everywhere, Francesco will have to change the name. Since Pimp Mama Kris has given birth to a bunch of dildos, I'm pretty sure her vagina already owns the rights to that name.