Hot Slut of the Day

The Rollie EggMaster Egg Cooking System!

Making eggs is really, really hard (no, it really, really isn't). When you crack one open, the yolk flies everywhere (no, it doesn't) and afterward your kitchen counter and cooktop look like they were the scene of a messy, gross bukkake orgy with a bunch of hens. When you cook them on a pan, they fall apart and it gets so frustrating that you just break down on the floor, punch the kitchen cabinets and yell at everyone around you before running into your bedroom to soothe your nerves with a bottle vodka and a few dozen bong hits. That's why some of us are stoner drunks. Making eggs did that to us!

Well, the genius brains behind the Rollie EggMaster Egg Cooking System don't want you to have a nervous breakdown while making eggs, so they invented a plastic thermos that cooks eggs perfectly every single time! You just crack an egg into it and minutes later out will come some nasty shit that looks like a barf Churro or like a gigantic tampon (fun fact: Jon Hamm's piece has to use a tampon that size after she has sex with him. The things the Hammaconda does to her).

And it also doubles as a ghetto, at-home insemination machine. Just pour a cup of potent sperm into it, wait a few minutes and out will come a jizz tampon. You know what to do next. OctoMom is calling in right now to ask them if they take WIC.

via Laughing Squid 

Qween Amor, the DC drag empress who blew rainbow-colored glitter into the eyes of the crazy bitches at Westboro Baptist Church and other anti-marriage equality protesters outside of the Supreme Court hearings yesterday.

In the sea of rallies yesterday, there was a bright shining fuchsia star of hotnesses named Qween Amor who twerked her tuck for the masses while wearing the perfect protest ensemble: a pink net shirt, a rainbow butt tutu, marriage equality heels, devil horns and a crucifix. (Maggie Gallagher showed up in the same outfit, but quickly ran off to change after she saw Qween Amor wearing it better.) Qween Amor, who tastes like every color of the rainbow, even wore the same color on her lips that Cocoa Rocha wore when Naomi Campbell told her to check her lipstick. But Naomi would never tell Qween Amor that, because her lipstick is always correct.

Slate says that during the rally outside of SCROTUS (which I always read as SCROTUM, because I'm obsessed with balls, obviously), a NOM protester broke from his group and started yelling at the pro-equality protesters. Qween Amor slid down the rainbow and shut him up with some Cher:

All hail Qween Amor!

The Honey Bear Bong from True Romance.

Yesterday, Animal had a post about how an artist type named Glen Baldridge made a white porcelain version of the plastic honey bear bong from True Romance and is selling it for $525. Click here to see it, it's kind of fancy. But it still has nothing on the original plastic honey bear bong that Brad Pitt's "character" smoked out of right before his stoner ass unknowingly ratted out his roommate. I put hugged the word character in quotes, because you know that ho wasn't playing a character. Brad Pitt was playing Brad Pitt.

Anyway, the honey bear bong is a stoner icon and every high school arts and crafts class should their students how to make it. Even though I've put my mouth on a bear's tip before, I've never smoked out of a plastic honey bear bong, because one time some hippie stoner dude told me that smoking out of anything that's made of plastic will screw up my lungs...and then he smoked a clove right after he told me that.

Here's the honey bear bong in action.

And when is somebody going to make a honey BADGER bong, is what I want to know.

Sunkist Fun Fruits Creme Supremes!

The Tickle Trees need to slap me down and spit in my face, because in my ode to Sunkist Fun Fruits yesterday, I completely forgot to mention and pay homage to Creme Supremes. Sunkist Fun Fruits Creme Supremes were the best kind of Sunkist Fun Fruits. They were like extra luxurious Fun Fruits, because they were dipped in yogurt and everything is better when it's dipped in white stuff. It was so decadent to me as a kid. If Fun Fruits were cubic zirconia, then Creme Supremes were diamonds. If Fun Fruits were a beige Buick, then Creme Supremes were a burgundy (or "maroon" as us classy hos call it) Cadillac. If Fun Fruits were Krystle Carrington, then Creme Supremes were Alexis Carrington. They were that fancy.

And they're also the best, because their tagline was: "We're covered with yogurt and filled with fun!"

If John Travolta and Tommy Girl killed 100 body thetans every time they said that line during a Scientology bath house orgy, they'd be the queens of the world.

The Tickle Trees from the commercials for Sunkist Fun Fruits!

Sunkist Fun Fruits were these snack pellets of fructose deliciousness from the late 1980s and I ate so many of them as a kid that my stomach is probably permanently lined with a thick layer of fruity wax. They were pretty much my school's version of crack for a little while and you could always find us in the back of the playground snorting those pellets up and trying to find a way to inject them directly into our veins. That shit was like cafeteria money too. You could get almost anything for a pack of Fun Fruits.

The commercials were almost as famous as the Sunkist Fun Fruits themselves. That shit was weird (but what wasn't in the 80s?). In every commercial, kids would sneak into the Enchanted Sunkist Fun Fruit Forest and after they'd accidentally bump into the trees, the Tickle Trees would come alive and laugh maniacally as Fun Fruits dropped from their branches.

Think of all the slow children who tickled a tree in the wild without asking, because they thought that Fun Fruits would drop from the tree's branches. (I may or may not have been one of those slow children.) And I honestly don't know who was more stoned in these commercials: the kids or the Tickle Trees?

Because the world is a terrible place, Sunkist stopped making Fun Fruits a while ago and now they use the name Fun Fruit for their packs of actual fruit. BOO! That's not Fun Fruit, that's Boring Fruit.

Ramona, a Goldendoodle who lives at the Oregon Humane Society in Portland and is trying to get Bo Obama to be her date to the Humane Society's Doggie Dash fundraiser in May.

The whole annoying trend of people asking celebrities to be their dates to their prom or whatever has reached a fever pitch and this, hopefully, is its grand finale! The Oregon Human Society says that their in-house dog Ramona as a serious crush on Bo Obama and her heart beats for him (or since this is a dog we're talking about, her nose twitches for his b-hole). They produced a video invitation where Ramona asks Bo to come to Portland and marry her at the Doggie Dash on May 11th. Yeah, it'll be Ramona and Bo's first date AND their wedding. Ramona isn't wasting any time. Bitch moves fast. She's like the Brit Brit of dogs (but her weave has less fleas in it). Or maybe Ramona is a traditional girl and won't sniff ass until she's married.

Bo hasn't accepted or denied Ramona's invitation yet, but I hope he accepts and I also hope that George W. Bush flies to Portland to paint their wedding portrait.

via People

Mood lipstick!

If you didn't wear a mood ring in the 80s, your finger skin would shrivel up and slip right off of the bone. Everybody wore one! So since mood shit was the shit in the 80s, some genius-brained inventor came up with mood lipstick. Mood lipstick came in non-traditional lipsticky colors like green, orange, blue, etc.. etc... The green one looks like something that would come out of a gremlin's dick when he gets horny, but when you smear it on your lips, it goes on clear and dries some different color like bright pink or Xtina red. It's magic for your lips! It's supposed to change color to fit your mood.

Thankfully for humanity and people who care about glamour, mood lipstick survived the 80s and still exists today, because I saw some for sale at a dollar store the other day. I played around with my cousin's mood lipstick a little bit when I was a kid, but that shit didn't work on me. It was totally jank. Every time I put it on, it turned my lips the color of molten charcoal. It was like the color of the dried dead souls that's stuck under Lucifer's fingernails. It's like that mood lipstick was trying to tell me that I'm dead inside. Oh, wait...

There are so many Hot Sluts in this clip from the Magic vs. Pacers game on Sunday. That tiny spoon is a Hot Slut for being a tiny spoon. That ice cream cone is a Hot Slut for being an ice cream cone. The girlfriend is a Hot Slut for not giving up on ice cream and trying over and over again to get a piece of some. But the Ice Cream Denier is the ultimate Hot Slut for knowing that when it comes to ice cream "sharing is not caring," sharing is stupid! I scream, you scream...keeping screaming, girl, cause you ain't gonna get any.

The clip was everywhere on Sunday and yesterday, and turned everyone involved into overnight stars. I'm sure Cold Stone Creamery or Baskin-Robbins of Thrifty brand ice cream has already signed the Ice Cream Denier to be the face of their ice cream. They should, because dude is serious about ice cream. Whenever his girlfriend would try to get just a tiny spoonful, he'd wave it away without giving a damn. I bet that he had a full stache earlier in the day, but he knew he was going to have some delicious ice cream at the game so he shaved it off. He didn't want any of that deliciousness getting trapped in his stache. Dude doesn't even want to share his ice cream with his own facial hair. That Lincoln beard isn't a fashion statement, it's an ice-cream-eating tool.

The Ice Cream-Hogger finally gave in and let his girlfriend have some, because I guess he didn't want to sleep on a futon mattress in the garage that night. But he is still a hero to us all.

And here's the video of Chris Webber narrating the story of this thrilling love triangle:

Chris Webber is also a HS for that Eddie Murphy reference. He said GOONIE GOO GOO!

via Buzzfeed and Gawker

Corina, a freestyle pop chanteuse from the 90s who made my life a couple of days ago when her one hit from 1991 "Temptation" randomly played in my car. You haven't lived until you've sang out the lyrics to "Temptation" while dancing with your steering wheel in traffic.

If you were in high school or junior high school in America in the early 90s, then you probably knew someone or were someone who danced in a catsuit with a folding chair to "Temptation" in your school talent show (you came in second to last before the girl who did a dramatic reading of a Jesus Jones song). "Temptation" was Corina's biggest and only hit, but I'm sure she didn't produce another hit on purpose, because she knew she could never top this:

What more do you need? Corina's singing a break-up song to her lover, because she found a new man who treats her like a special lady and she's doing that while wearing a purple crushed velvet catsuit. There's nothing more you need. And the fact she looks like Angel from Rent makes this even better and ahead of its time.

Banana Now and Later!

I couldn't tell you why I woke up this morning with a level 4 craving for Banana Now and Laters, but for some reason I did. It's probably because my body is craving more healthy fruit, and a Banana Now and Later definitely counts as a 100% fruit item. It doesn't even really taste like a banana. It tastes like a dried square of sugar that a banana farted on once. Banana is still the best Now and Later flavor hands-tongue-and-feet down and if you disagree with me it's obviously because there's something wrong with your palate. Get it fixed and then taste the love for Banana Now and Laters. (Or maybe there's something off with my palate and I'm the gross one. Well, if loving Banana Now and Laters means I have an off palate, then I don't want a right palate.)