Hookers

Yesterday, I applauded Heather Graham for wearing a "one dolla to make you holla" dress to the Dublin premiere of The Hangover. At today's London premiere of the movie, Heather stayed with the whole sex-worker theme by wearing this stripper floor gown. A professional snatch shaker would usually wear a luxurious gown like this when she's begging tricks for lap dances. Heather's booby boners added an extra touch of class to this already elegant ensemble. Speaking of Heather's nipples...

Is it just me or do they roll around her breasts? In one picture, her nipple is chilling out on the east side of her breast. In another, it's back in the center. It would actually be kind of fun if you had nipples that moved around like that. When you're really bored, you could lay on your bed and try to roll your nipple into the correct spot. It would be like having your own personal labyrinth game on your chest!

I've long been a fan of the Flirt Catalog, so it pleases my loins to see that Heather Graham also knows where to go when she wants to look like an elegant lady who douches with the finest of wine coolers and doesn't give a lap dance for less than $5. Nothing says class and "I'm not wearing chonies" like a short, black, easy access dress. My only gripe is Heather's choice of shoes. A pair of exquisite lucite heels with Christmas light accents would have taken this ensemble to the next level.

Here's the pristine flower at the premiere of The Hangover in Dublin yesterday with Bradley Cooper.

The oldest trick in the whore book! At today's premiere of Trannyformers in Tokyo, Megan Fox pulled the good old "Oh, let me peek at Shia while I accidentally rub my nalgas all over Josh Duhamel's crotch area." Well, played. If only she would've reached a little higher. So close to being a bullseye. This is the Megan Fox that I like. The Megan that takes every available opportunity to get a little more dick in her life. Because when life hands you Duhamel wang, you have to grab it with your ass cheeks.

Here's Megan wearing a prom dress fit for the sluttiest girl in high school at the premiere today along with Mr. Fuggie Fug, Shia LaDouche, Tyrese, Michael Bay, Ramon Rodriguez and Isabel Lucas. Why does Shia have his hands behind his back in almost every picture? Gambled and lost?

A little while ago, George Clooney was not happy about his latest cocktail waitress/model/dumb bitch girlfriend running her mouth all around town about how she's nibbling on his man cooch. It looks like George has forgiven her, because he has apparently asked her to move into his Los Angeles mansion.

The Globe (I know, I know) says Lucy has flipped her nose in glee and can't wait to be George's live-in taint licker. A source said, “Lucy is totally smitten with George and he’s drawn to her in a passionate way. They’ve started out casual, but things are moving fast and she’s told friends they’re planning to spend a large part of the summer together. She’s talking about moving in with George in LA which is pretty amazing considering they’ve only known each other a couple of months. Everyone’s just hoping it lasts and she doesn’t get her heart broken.”

Heart broken? Who said anything about love?! Seriously, Lucy has a winning lottery ticket in her hands and it's up to her to cash it in. She better not be another Sarah Larson, because that one was just an embarrassment to respectable gold diggers everywhere! If Lucy plays George's peen (and prostate) right, she'll have a money baby growing in her cash oven by July! I know it's a little baby's life I'm talking about, but don't you worry. George will pay Lucy off and then give the baby to Brangelina to raise. Everyone's happeh!

What am I saying? Lucy's stupid ass probably doesn't even know how babies are made. And that's just how George likes 'em.

VIA Showbiz Spy

One of my favorite quotes of all-time comes from the philosopher and professor of whores Cristal Connors. It is: "You are a whore, darlin. We all are. We take the cash, we cash the check, we show 'em what they wanna see." In an interview with GQ (via Showbiz Spy), Megan Fox tried to make this point, but FAILED. Megan just doesn't possess the natural wisdom of Cristal Connors.

Megan said, “When you think about it, we actors are kind of prostitutes. We get paid to feign attraction and love. Other people are paying to watch us kissing someone, touching someone, doing things people in a normal monogamous relationship would never do with anyone who’s not their partner. It’s really kind of gross.

I have this sort of promiscuous image. People assume I’m really overtly sexually aggressive and that I’m this wild child. And I’m not like that at all. I would rather have an image that is wild and promiscuous than to go out of my way to be proper all the time. There are some guys who think I’m going to be this little cupcake who’s going to bat my eyes and be like a receptacle for them. I shut them down immediately.”

Megan is waxing philosophical when she really should be waxing penis instead. Thinking is not for everyone, Megan! You know when you put an extra large load of laundry in the dryer and it can't handle it, so it starts violently shaking during the spin cycle? That's what Megan's brain does when she tries to think too hard. Megan, keep the load light, hon.

Speaking of loads, here's Megan at the MTV Movie Awards yesterday with after-bukkake hair.

Danielle Lloyd, who is sort-of famous in Britain for peddling her titty balls in magazines and for being a racist cunt on Celebrity Big Brother, landed in the hospital last night after two bitches at a club threw her ass onto a glass table. Evil lives in my heart so I am allowed to laugh.

Danielle is no stranger to drunken bar fights, so this sounds like a regular day at the office for her. The Sun says that Danielle and her boyfriend, footballer Jamie O'Hara, were at some club at 2am when she got into a serious cunt battle royale with 2 girls. A witness says that while one of the girls was dancing, she accidentally kicked Danielle. Words were exchanged, punches were thrown, hairs were pulled and it all ended with Danielle lying in a rubble of broken glass. Some witnesses say the two bitches worked together as a team and hurled Danielle through the air. But other say that Danielle fell backwards onto the table. Why am I picturing a crowd of drunks cheering in slow motion?

Danielle stumbled into the street and screamed about the owie on her leg before an ambulance arrived to take her to the hospital. Danielle's spokeswhore said she suffered major cuts to her leg and back. Danielle needed emergency plastic surgery. Yeah, Danielle decided to get bigger chichis to distract from the huge cut on her leg. While they had her on the table, they should've sewn her mouth shut too.

Scotland Yard said they will investigate the incident as soon as they start giving a fuck.

And Danielle is a real pro! Homegirl still manages to smile for the cameras even though she's bleeding to death on the sidewalk. A famewhore's work is never done!

And here I was thinking I broke the world blow job record that one summer, but I guess you need judges and cameras around to document the whole thing. Oh, well. Maybe next time. Blonde Cora, a German porn star, was officially trying to break the record when she choked almost halfway through and had to go to the hospital! The Sun says that Cora's goal was to blow 200 peens, but only she made it to wang #75 when she started having trouble breathing. Bitch blew it and not in the way she had hoped.

This is kind of embarrassing to all us mega sluts out there. Most of us can suck 75 dicks at a time while watching a Melrose Place marathon and playing a game of Monopoly with our toes! And this bitch is a whore for a living! SHAME!!!! How dreadful!

Even amateur skanks know you have to breathe through your nose! If that's not enough, find an air pocket in the dick hole you're sucking and breathe! Turn that dick into a snorkel! Breathe through your ears! Breathe through your pussay! Breathe through your asshole if you have to! Whatever you do, don't quit the dick!

Her parents are probably so disappointed!

Brought to you by popular demand! Shanna Moakler is no longer Miss California's main pimp! Shanna freed herself from Donald Trump's chains this afternoon. I bet she's regretting that decision after she found out Craigslist got rid of their "Erotic Services" category. DAMN! Well, fuckit. Shanna doesn't need those gutter hos. This is the statement she released to UsWeekly:

"Since the press conference yesterday, I had a chance to think about what has taken place, and I feel that at this time it is in my best interest to resign from the Miss California USA organization.

I cannot with a clear conscious move forward supporting and promoting the Miss Universe Organization when I no longer believe in it, or the contracts I signed committing myself as a youth. I want to be a role model for young women with high hopes of pageantry, but now feel it more important to be a role model for my children. I am sorry and hope I have not let any young supporters down but wish them the best of luck in fulfilling their dreams."

You know the world is a strange place when Shanna Moakler sounds like the voice of reason.

I hope this is finally it! I am so sick of seeing Donald Trump's smug face and Miss Tits4Jesus on my TV screen. Can't the media cover more important shit like Spaghetti Cat or STAINS. Seriously, what are they up to? CNN, get on that!

I know you barely slept one wink last night, because you had the worries in a bad way after hearing that Daisy de la Whora might have overdosed. You can breathe easy (you better turn your head and breath, because you might catch something from this pic) now, because the skanky Muppet didn't overdose! Daisy was just tired. Yes, tired. Tired of what exactly? Tired of being a low-down dirty slutwhoreskanktrickho? Taking your mouth from a dirty dick to a dirty bong to a dirty booze bottle all day isn't tiring. I should know.

Daisy's rep/dealer/pimp cleared up (wish I could say the same about those warts on her coozie) the rumors to E!, "Daisy was taken to the ER early this morning suffering from delirium as a result of exhaustion. here was no overdose. She is fine this evening and resting comfortably."

Can you believe she played the "exhaustion" card? She doesn't have the right. Chyna's mutant peen-clit is more famous than Daisy!

Bitch is delirious because the collagen in her lips seeped into her brains.

Daisy de la Whora, star of Vh1's Rock of Love 2 and Daisy of Love, reportedly went a little overboard with an unknown substance. TMZ says that paramedics were called to a house in the Hollywood Hills last night for a "possible overdose."

When they arrived to help that trick out, Ducky Face apparently started acting the fool by screaming and thrashing around. Several medics had to band together to get her crazy and possibly drugged-out ass into an ambulance. Daisy isn't going to be back in party mode by this weekend, because her agent postponed all her scheduled appearances.

I think Daisy also might have overdosed a couple of days ago when she said this about Ambre winning Rock of Love 2 over her, "I don't think I can compare Ambre to Angelina Jolie, so no. I would be the Angelina Jolie, and she would be Jennifer Aniston!" Yes, the bad shit was definitely involved in the making of that comment.

Daisy is a piping hot plastic wreck. Do we need to send Heather to beat some sense into Daisy? Because Heather will put on her fightin' headscarf and do it all over again. Classic clip below: