Hookers

I never understood why Hugh Hefner's pacemaker skipped two beats for his ex-girlfriends The Shannon Twins. They were so below average on every level to me. I figured he liked the choo choo choo noises they made when they spoon fed him. But after seeing these pictures of them at Playboy's Super Bowl party this past weekend, I now see what Hef sees. Like me, Hef has a soft spot for Fresno meth hooker hair circa 1987 (aka "chola going to spring formal" hair aka 90s teen mom hair aka Sav-On cashier hair).

This is the kind of hair you get when all you've got is a travel-sized bottle of gel and a gas station sink. When your trick gets a little too carried away and sprays the party all over your hair, simply rinse it off in a sink (a garden hose will do too), shake the water out, apply a generous amount of gel and scrunch your way to instant glamour! In just a few minutes, you'll look just like these two day-shift pussy peddlers.

I should've never doubted Hef's cataract encrusted eye. He knows what's good.

Here's the other junkies, tramps and thieves who showed up for the potato buffet at the Playboy Mansion yesterday. They are: Mini-Me, Chuy, The Two Coreys, The New Landers Sisters, Daisy de la Whora, nuns from the Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels and Brittania from Rock of Love Bus.

Have you ever wanted to know how long a polite lady waits before wiping the cum off her body after a bukkake orgy? Or if you should say "excuse me" after your snatch sneezes during sex? Well, today is your lucky day! Because Ashley Dupre, the pussy peddler who brought down Eliot Spitzer, got her own advice column on The New York Post. Somewhere in the world, Rachel Uchitel is pitching a wedding show to Oxygen.

Here's a sample of Dear Crabby's work:

My girlfriend says she doesn't like porn. Is she lying? -- David K, 36, TriBeCa

Some women don't like porn and some love it. I'm not big into it myself. But I must say, I was buying the Liberator [sex aid] and I was watching the demonstration video for all the different positions and I was thinking about my boyfriend at the time, and it got me super turned on . . . just thinking about him and us, and exploring all the different positions on this thing.

Try sending her an e-mail of a soft-porn clip and say "I can't wait to do this to you tonight." And see what she says.

And David K (no relation to yours truly) should really listen to Ashley since she's wearing glasses and all. That makes her smart. Actually, I think she always wear glasses nowadays, because she's sick of having to go to her optometrist to get the cum crust vacuumed out of her eyes. SEE! That Ashley is full of good ideas.

It's Slutoween which means Wonky hits the streets dressed like a slutty version of something or another. This year, she dressed as Whore-othy from The Wizard of Valtrex, and forced her burrito heir boyfriend, Doug Reinhardt, to wear the same shit. Well, maybe she didn't really force him since it looks like wearing a dress and lipstick is giving him the drips. This bitch is puckering like Squinty with a lemon in her mouth. Doug finally got to sashay around in public in a pair of pink heels. Speaking of, I doubt those heels belong to Wonky because they look kind of small for her big ass feet.

And this is exactly why Parasite will never be an official member of The Big Slut Club. Any self-respecting whore knows that Halloween is amateur hour. Halloween is the only time authentic sluts cover their parts up. That's what the other 364 days of the year are for!

While some of the members of the Jackson family were attending the This Is It premiere in Los Angeles, their pimp master Joe Jackson was honoring his son's memory by showing up to the Las Vegas premiere with two Craigslist pussy peddlers at his side. Did you really think Joe Jackson would skip out on an promotional opportunity like this?! Of course not.

And when is somebody going to take a Magic Eraser to his stache. Seriously, it looks like Toby struck again!

Every Halloween, bitches of all ages and sizes stuff their asses into fishnets to walk the streets looking like they will suck every last dollar out of you. But why should humans be the only ones doing ho shit on October 31st? Let's drags our pets down the slut road too! Pimps up, dogs down!

Consumerist pointed my ass to a few sites selling "sexy dog Halloween costumes" and matching whore outfits for you too! You can dress your dog up as a "Sexy Alice in Wonderland Scarecrow" (whatever the dick that is) or as a "naughty French maid." Blame Paris Hilton.

I'm going to save my coins, because my dog already walks around like a big skankity skank skank. I mean, he struts the streets totally nekkid and that's about as whorey as you can get.

At last night's after-party for Good Hair in NYC, CoCo and fellow rapper fucker Amber Rose popped their triple-platinum asses out in unison making everyone's nalgas in the room immediately deflate. There's really only so much ass one room can take!

I'm not really sure what's going on in these pictures. I think we might be witnessing CoCo bust an orgasm while rubbing up against Rosebot. CoCo's camel toe o'plenty probably hit the ground and jumped back up into her crotch area. I need a cigarette.

For some reason, Levi Johnston is in a commercial for pistachios with his bodyguard/manager/Palin-blocker Tank. When I think of nuts, I usually think of Cisco Adler or Courtney Love, but I guess Levi works? Tank better cover Levi's nuts at all times, because Sarah Palin is going to try to shoot them from her plane when she watches this shit.

And who needs protection while eating nuts anyway? The best part is when the peen slaps you in the eye! If you don't enjoy that shit, I guess you can use a tripod.

And GOODNIGHT! This picture of Lindsay Lohan out in Paris last night can be used for a variety of purposes. If you've got a problem with critters digging up your garden, simply place this picture near your plants and they will never ever return again. In fact, they might suffer cardiac arrest, so you'll have meat for dinner! And if your kids have been messing with the wrong stuff, just show them this picture and they will immediately check themselves into the nearest nunnery. Shit, I don't even have a booze problem (fuck the first step) and this picture might force me to go to rehab and devote my life to Jesus. SCARED STRAIGHT! JUST PLAIN SCARED!

But on a serious note, I feel for SamRo. The poor thing's crotch area is probably cold, because her labia lips have been stuck to HoHan's face for the past few weeks. That's very selfish of HoHan.

Speaking of disturbing fuckery, here's 15-year-old Ali Lohan looking like she just slipped out of the exhaust pipe on the Rock of Love Bus.

Well, at least she's appropriately dressed to work the ho stroll now. Why isn't White Oprah in jail?

Pamela Anderson debuted her new "fashion line" with Chris Crocker Richie Rich in New Zealand, and here's a few more pictures from the show.

Even Richie Rich passed the dick out when Pamela "accidentally" dropped her whore cloth revealing her overworked 500,000-mile nalgas. In the words of my favorite crackhead from Atlanta Frankie: This was a MAN DOWN CODE 10 situation!

Don't ask me what the hell kind of raggedy ass fashion line this is, because I don't see any clothes. Maybe Pamela is trying to tap into the low-budget hooker demographic. I mean, they do need something to sort-of cover up their tittays for when they are running away from the police after getting caught sexing up a trick in the back of a pick-up. This will do it.

Alien Princess RiRi stepped out in the streets of NYC looking like...well...like she was working the streets of NYC in one of Vanity's old outfits.

Don't laugh at this ho, because you know you were wearing the exact same thing this morning as you did the walk of pride (formerly the walk of shame) from your fuck friend's house. And you weren't fooling anyone by trying to make your ensemble look less slutty with your trick's white shirt over it. Because nothing says "my coochie smells like sex" like a men's white butt-down shirt over a bustier. Hotness.