Honey Boo Boo Chile
Since TLC is basically just one long never-ending episode of Maury, one of the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo "holladay" specials will feature Mama June facing her greatest fear, which surprisingly isn't vegetables that haven't been deep fried in cheese oil and covered in ranch dressing. The heaves crawl up Mama June's sketti sauce-covered froat when she thinks of MARANNAISE!
While working the hell out of her newly straightened bayootiful yallaw hayer-ah (yes, Tim Peeler would hit that while blowing his coyote horn), Mama June tells her tribe of adorable sugar-coated diabetes drops that her hate for mayonnaise was born when she was a kid because her babysitter only fed her mayo sandwiches. Mama June can easily swallow up bowls of macaroni (air kiss to Simply Sara) and coleslaw salad, but she can't make it herself and she has a hard time looking at mayo in its raw, delicious state. Mama June's mayo phobia is a little strange, because I'm sure if you cracked two raw eggs between her luscious triple decker chins and rubbed all her chins together, out would squirt the most delicious bacon cheddar marannaise you've ever tasted.
Mama June's talk about her mayo fears then leads to Chickfila and Snickerdoodle (or whatever their names are) fighting over whether or not vegamatarians eat marannaise. They're confusing vegans with vegamatarians, but let them argue, because the way they say mayonnaise takes me up, up and away.
And I cannot relate to Mama June's fear of mayo. My tongue is to mayo as gnats are to the sour cream crusties on Mama June's forklift foot. I love it. I can bathe in mayo, brush my teeth with mayo, moisturize my ass cheeks with mayo, wet my contact lenses with mayo and I can even use mayo as lube. So this is good news, because it means there's MORE MARANNAISE FOR ME! Because if Mama June loved marannaise as much as I do, there'd be a nationwide shortage and I'd have to deliver a screeching marannaise message on YouTube.
Adam Levine has a lot of feelings about a show on TLC starring America's sweetheart and he's not afraid to barf them all out. According to Adam, famine, AIDS, cancer, Hitler, war, bath salts, auto-tune, the Kardashians and CROCs are all under Here Comes Honey Boo Boo on the list of the worst things that have ever happened to civilization. Honey Boo Boo is at the top of that list, because Honey Boo Boo is the worst, so says the dude who's responsible for Moves Like Jagger.
In a quick interview with GQ (via Popwatch), Adam let out an anti-Glitzy rant and said that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is the decay of Western civilization the same way all of his ugly tattoos are the decay of his hotness. The star of the Peabody award-winning shit show The Voice went off like this:
"Seriously, Honey Boo Boo is the DECAY of Western civilization. Just because so many people watch the show doesn't mean it's good. So many people witness atrocities and can't take their eyes away from them, but that doesn't mean they're good. That show is literally The. Worst. Thing. That's. Ever. Happened. It's complete fucking ignorance and the most despicable way to treat your kids. Fuck those people. You can put that in the magazine: Fuck those idiots. They're just the worst. Sorry, I'm so sensitive to that—like, I don't know, man, it's upsetting. Just to clarify, I said, "FUCK THOSE PEOPLE."
Damn. Did Glitzy shit on his last Twinkie? Did Uncle Poodle steal his parking space at Trader Joe's (Note: That's a serious crime)? Did Sugar Bear knock up his girlfriend? Is sketti sauce his secret family recipe and Mama June stole'd it? Did he ask Mama June if he could stick his tongue in between her luscious layer of chins and she turned him down? I'm going to assume the answer to all of those questions is: YES! Because Adam Levine sounds hurt.
Dr. Drew is used to dealing with dozed off drunks who are trying to force themselves into a long coma to get away from having words with him, but he was unable to tame Honey Boo Boo Chile. Little Debbie's second cousin twice removed at the baked goods auction went on Dr. Drew's show with the ten buckets of fried fun that is Mama June and she wasn't having any of it. When Dr. Drew started asking her questions, Honey Boo Boo did what everybody should do when Dr. Drew starts asking you questions: PLAY DEAD! But eventually, Honey Boo Boo woke up and said that she hates being on TV and hates it when fans come up to her.
So let's see, Honey Boo Boo doesn't like interviews and hates her fans? The hillbilly Kristen Stewart has been found!
And I'm still waiting for Dr. Drew to issue a statement saying that Honey Boo Boo is obviously hooked on ludes and he'll be happy to help her on the new season of Celebrity Rehab coming to Vh1 next Spring!
Our modern day Shirley Temple, Honey Boo Boo, is in Hollywoods to play the title role in the Anna Nicole Smith biopic for Lifetime (I WISH) and she's making all the stops on the stroll from Extra to Jimmy Kimmel. On Kimmel last night, Honey Boo Boo and our modern day Mae West, Mama June, got into some politics talk and Honey Boo Boo finally endorsed a candidate. An entire nation held its breath, because it didn't want to breathe in Mama June's extra chunky neck fungus fumes. No, we all held our breath waiting to hear who won an endorsement from America' sweet heart and she said:
So scratch Barack Obama, Mitt Romney and Roseanne's names off the ballot and write the name "Merock Ohbamaz" this November!
But seriously, cancel tonight's presidential knife fight and air reruns of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo instead, because this election is over now that Honey Boo Boo has spoken. Michelle Obama can order an inaugural ball wiglet from "Shhh, It's A Wig!", the inaugural ball chef can start making a batch of sketti sauce and Honey Boo Bo can start picking songs to sing during Michelle and Barack's first dance. It's done!
And on a different note, if you need to watch a pro-Ritalin PSA today, here's Honey Boo Boo freaking out like a meth head on Tourette's on KTLA yesterday morning:
Honey Boo Boo IS the hillbilly Little Chrissy.
Never mind that Silver Fox stalker Andy Cohen secretly took this picture while disguised as a potted plant in Anderson Cooper's office, we should all let an extra exhale not that we know that Honey Boo Boo is always watching over Mah Boo. Nobody puts Honey Boo Boo in the corner, except for Mah Boo, because she's kind of distracting.
via The Instagram House of Andy Cohen (Thanks, Ross)
Get your overstuffed ass out to pasture OLD kash kow Kim, there's a new boo in Kris Jenner's life. At least, Kris would love for there to be... a new Honey Boo Boo to be more specific. Just a couple of weeks ago Kris was turning her overly manicured nose up and shame, shame, shame on you-ing at Mama June for her child whoring ways and for being "classless". I'll wait a minute for the laughter to subside.
Now Kris wants to manage Honey Boo Boo. Mmmmhmmm.
So Hollywood Life has the scoop on Kris's amazing turnaround, based solely on her love for children and not at all by the realization that she's thisclose to being ousted by some 7 year old hillbilly beauty pageant princess. And if you can't get richer by pimping your own kids any more, why not get richer by pimping your replacement?? You have to slow clap for Kris's dedication to whoring and her complete lack of dignity and self respect. Bitch is on her game.
At this point, Kris is just extending the hand(cuff) and Mama June hasn't talked to her about it. Please Universe, if this meeting ever does occur, let Mama June have one of her famous gas attacks, and let her burp and fart and laugh in Kris's begging face with a mouthful of half chewed sketti as Honey Boo Boo snaps TWO Z's!!!! And let the cameras capture every delicious second of it. AMEN.
Who do I need to talk to about making this picture the new Great Seal of the United States, because the image of a scooter-driving Mama June and a high heel-wearing Honey Boo Boo Chile leaving a Walmart in Alabama IS America at its most sophisticated.
America's answer to Rousseau, Honey Boo Boo Chile, once eloquently said, "A dolla makes me holla, honey boo boo!", so she probably hasn't stopped hollerin' ever since TLC made it rain all over Mama June's Pillsbury value pack of chins. TMZ says that since Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has become the greatest thing to happen to American television since Footballers Wives started airing on BBC America, the network has tripled the family's salary. Mama June and her merry band of fart bags were making $5,000 to $7,000 an episode, but now they're getting anywhere from $15,000 to $20,000 an episode. The stale food auction better watch out, because Mama June's got a stack of hundreds shoved into her chin cleavage and she's ready to buy ALL the day old cupcakes.
A source tells TMZ that money isn't changing Mama June, because she turned down TLC when they offered to get her a bigger, better and more secure house. Mama June doesn't want to move, because why would you leave a house that is right next door to a gas station that sells jars of cheese balls and Hot Fries all the time? That's like a dirty slut living next to a glory hole. It's like living at the end of a rainbow. Mama June also wants to stay, because she loves her neighborhood and loves bringing the holidays to their lives by splattering Christmas decorations all over her front yard.
The source also says that Mama June has tongue farted at offer after offer from agents who say they can make her even more money in appearances, because she doesn't want to be away from her family.
Thanks to Pimp Mama Kris pushing her child whores on the ho stroll every chance she gets, we sometimes forget that there's some mothers on reality TV who don't completely whore their kids out for a fast check. Thank Jaysus for this, because my soul would fart itself into a puddle of sadness if Mama June got too fancy. I don't ever want to see Mama June eating extra fancy Prego sauce instead of sketti sauce and I really don't want to see her foot gnats feeding on caviar instead of her toe gunk. That would be worse than the time Roseanne won the lottery. Never change, Mama June, never change.
American can't resist getting deep into Mama June's "Michelin Man meets Stay Puft" chins and so Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has become one of The Learning Channel's biggest hits. More people watched gnats nom nom at Mama June's Forklift Foot than watched Paul Ryan talk at the Republican National Convention. This obviously means that Mitt Romney chose the wrong running mate and he should've picked Mama June's Forklift Foot instead.
Mama June, Honey Boo Boo Chile, Sugar Bear, Chickadee, Snickerdoodles, Piggypine and Liver Lips McGrowl (or whatever the hell those girls' names are) would probably be happy if TLC paid them with a tub of cheese balls, a season pass to Hometown Buffet and a six-pack of stale cupcakes bought at a food auction, but TLC pays them with money. The Hollywood Reporter says that the entire family makes around $4,000 an episode and that means they make $40,000 for a full season of 10 episodes. But wait, Mama June tells TMZ that The Hollywood Reporter is wrong, because TLC has stuffed a lot more than $40,000 into her chin cleavage. Mama June wouldn't say how much the family gets paid to fart and scratch at their neck fungus, but she says it's a whole lot more than $4,000 per episode.
$40,000 does buy a lot of baby formula (aka Mountain Dew), but when this mess gets renewed, and it will get renewed, I'm sure they'll make a million more coins. Mama June's Forklift Foot deserves to get paid more than scale! So next season, expect to see them riding around on Cadillac four wheelers, eating Cheetos instead of Sam's Choice cheese balls and expect to see a coat of Chanel nail polish on Mama June's gnarly Quasimodotoe.
(Picture via Tumblr)
If you're lucky enough to be born into Georgia's reigning redneck royal family, you will eventually have an extra something. Mama June has extra chins, Sugar Bear has an extra derp gene, a few of them have extra chromosomes and Chickadee's 5-week-old daughter Kaitlyn has an extra thumb. That extra thumb will totally come in handy when Baby Kaitlyn will have to hitchhike out of there to get away from the mud bog fuckery.
The National Enquirer said that 33-year-old Mama June was throwing some extra shade at her first of many grandchirruns by making fun of the fact that one of Kaitlyn's hands has four fingers and two thumbs, but the sex bomb of McIntyre tells People that she loves that baby, uninvited thumb and all. June the Hutt said, "We have embraced [the abnormality]. It makes Kaitlyn more special to us."
The Daily Mail has pictures of little Kaitlyn's conjoined thumbs (she's got the Abby & Brittany of thumbs!) and they also have pictures of Mama June's 12-year-old daughter Pumpkin dipping a pacifier into a can of Mountain Dew before sticking it in Kaitlyn's newborn mouth.
It makes sense that The Dew is this family's baby formula of choice since Honey Boo Boo is always high on Go-Go Juice, but still. This is the most ridiculous, irresponsible, idiotic and inhumane act of parenting I've ever seen. Do they know how much caffeine is in that can of sugary acid? That baby will be hollering and screaming and bothering people all day long. You're not supposed to give sodie pop to a baby. You're supposed to give baby a mixture of crushed Vicodin, whiskey and NyQuil so they sleep all day while you enjoy your cheese balls in peace. This family, I swear.