Guess the Ho?

This dude left the Sunset Towers hotel in Los Angeles last night looking like a zombie just humped on and bit at his leg, and I'll give you three guesses as to who this mess is:

1. Dude used to hang out with Parasite Hilton a lot, so that explains the infection and it also makes that gross scab the second nastiest thing to touch his leg.
2. Looking at his pictures may or may not give you the urge to stick your fap parts in a bowl full of Crisco and processed candies shaped like a certain Travolta.
3. You always keep a tube of antibiotic ointment in your pocket just in case you see a picture of him and need to disinfect your eyeballs.

And the answer is....GO! 

The answer isn't: Lady Caca as Patti LuPone
The answer isn't: Patti LuPone as Lady Caca
The answer definitely isn't: Xtina (Xtina wishes!)

The answer is.....

JANE FUCKING WIEDLIN from The Go Go's!

I haven't been keeping my Google Alert's eyes on the ever-changing image of Jane Wiedlin, but when and how did this happen? When did Jane transform herself into the glamorous owner of a family-style Italian restaurant in The Valley who sings a Marilyn Monroe song on top of a tiny fake piano that doubles as the dessert cart to anybody who says it's their birthday?

This is frying my mind as much as peroxide has fried her hairline. No, of course peroxide didn't deep fry Jane's hairline. The piping hot beauty wafting off of her exquisite eyebrow situation singed her hairline until it turned into the consistency of French's onion strings. Oh, I don't know how to deal with the fact that in this day and age Jane Wiedlin no longer looks like she spits out pixie dust from her ass.

Here's The Go-Go's getting their star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame today. Afterward, Jane changed into a white dress and performed scenes from The Seven Year Itch for tourists in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater.

Here are two hints:

1. If I typed out his name letter by letter some of you might still be like, "Que?"

2. The above does not apply if your ass still subscribes to BOP Magazine and has copies from 2004 stored in a Chinese Laundry shoe box under your canopy bed.

Aaaaand GO!

I know, I know. This is a half-assed (or pear-assed in this case) Guess Who?, but blame Jennifer Love Hewitt for sucking at hiding her SANS FARDS face behind her purse and not providing us with a proper Guess Who?. I don't know why she suddenly sucks at hiding since she's been hiding her talents for years. (I don't mean that. JLove's busted Nancy Sinatra drag act in American Dreams was and still is a gift.) JLove did the awkward purse raise like an HSN host trying to peddle handbags at 3am while shopping for stuff in Studio City, CA yesterday.

The pained look on JLove's face could be mistaken for "My purse just farted!" face or, "My Vajazzle rash itches!" face, or "For why can't I keep a man? I will even give him this purse as a dowry!" face, but it's none of those. JLove's shirt says it all. That's the same look we all make when we've got the hard shits. Constipated face! JLove is letting the world know that her bowels need some java lube. Thanks, JLove!

I'll give you three hints as to who's giving a complimentary thigh show at a gas station in L.A.: She's a she, her nickname is a delicious food item and you'd definitely make a question mark with your face if someone seriously asked you the question, "Why is she famous." And the answer is....GO!

The answer: ELLIE GOULDING!

Okay, you're most likely still wearing the same shade of WHAT? on your face. Ellie Goulding is a British singer who yodeled Prince William and Duchess Kate into marriage at their royal wedding reception and now she's the trick who got bucked off a Segway and ate sand with her ass in Miami. The only time I like Segways is when a bitch falls off of one.

A few hints: 1) It's not Punky Brewster. 2) I'd do 'em. 3) My friends and family are about to stage a mental health intervention because of hint #2. That really doesn't narrow it down, right? GO!

If you just guessed a Kardashian, immediately wash your brain out with soap and then click to see who this really is. GO!

The answer is after the jump! You can put down the bag of Cheetos, because it might not be who you think it is. JUMP!!!!

No, Gollum did not finally get his "precious" back, so you can cross that guess off the list. The answer is after the jump. JUMP to beauty!