In her continued effort to #getmoneybitch, OctoMom has made genitals turn inside/out with her fap tape, has made retinas curl by boringly working the stripper pole, has made you throw up a barrel of laughs with her OctoLoans commercial and now she's going after your ears. Kim Zolciak's untalented ass showed everyone that you can make money from a piece of shit song even if you sound like a robot walrus farting into a wind tunnel, so OctoMom has joined fame whore forces with reality type Adam Barta and together they are putting out a musical terrorist threat called "Sexy Party. I'm guessing that OctoMom's song is neither sexy, nor a party.
The song doesn't come out until September, but TMZ already has the "cover art" for that mess. This is what it looks like when desperation and Photoshop collide in the worst possible way. OctoMom says that she's paying tribute to Madge's "Like A Prayer" era with this cover. I sort of see a tribute to Madge, but I mostly see a tribute to vomit and that Photoshopped handbra is obviously a tribute to Janet Jackson. But what I really don't understand is how those crucifixes didn't turn upside down from being faced with this dark-sidedness? If you poured dirty douche water on an Affliction t-shirt and put it under a microscope, this is what you'd see.
With all that being said, you know I'm going to download Octo's "Sexy Party" when it comes out. My thirst for fuckery always takes me to the darkest places.
The Kennedy curse is still a real thing and nowadays when you marry a Kennedy, the government not only makes you fill out a marriage license, but they also make you fill out your own death certificate at the same time. But Taylor Swift doesn't care that she's winking at the Grim Reaper, because she's always been obsessed with the Kennedy family and now that she's dating Conor Kennedy, the 18-year-old son Robert Kennedy Jr. and the late Mary Kennedy, all her dreams are coming true. And as Taylor's dreams come true, all of Martha Vineyard's nightmares are coming true since she's totally going to name drop them in a song now.
People says that last January, Taylor went to Sundance to watch the HBO documentary about Conor's grandma Ethel and a month later she slobbered while telling Vogue that she was so starstruck when she met Caroline and Ethel Kennedy. Taylor got to spend an afternoon with Ethel Kennedy and I'm saying right now that she used that lady to get in with Conor Kennedy. That shameless, social ladder-climbing, bale of hay-looking harlot! And who the hell climbs the social ladder to get into the Kennedy family? Because when you do that, there's a dark cloud of doom waiting for you at the end of the ladder.
People also says that Taylor and Conor have been dating for around 2 months and she is completely "swept off her feet." When isn't this trick swept off her feet? Somebody really needs to secretly stick weights in her Mary Janes, because I'm so sick of her always getting swept up off the ground and shit. All shade aside, 22-year-old Taylor dating an 18-year-old boy
fresh out of still in high school makes sense. Taylor has the maturity of a Flower Faeries sticker and he's really young so he probably thinks it's cute when she sends him a handwritten love note folded into a heart shape.
Henry Hopper, the 21-year-old son of the late Dennis Hopper, has been slapped with a lawsuit from the mother of a 16-year-old girl who claims that he drugged and repeatedly raped her daughter at his house in Venice, CA.
According to TMZ, the legal papers filed in L.A. claim that Henry met the unidentified girl, known as "Jan Doe" in the lawsuit, (Jan Doe sounds like the name of the awkward middle sister of the Doe sisters) through a mutual friend in February of last year. They regularly talked to each other on Facebook and after a few months, he started figuratively leaving a trail of booze and the bad shit from her front door to the front door of his house in Venice. Henry promised to give Jan Doe all the drugs and sweet nectar she wanted if she came over. When a then 15-year-old Jan Doe went to his house, he gave her drugs and booze, and waited until she was all kinds of messed up before he "engaged in sexually offensive conduct with her." Jan Doe alleges that Henry forced her to engage in sexual intercourse and "oral copulation and sodomy."
The lawsuit goes on to say that because Henry repeatedly preyed on Jan Doe's naive "vulnerability," she has suffered mentally and emotionally and has been treated by several mental health care professionals. Jan Doe's mom is suing for unspecified damages.
EEEEEEEEEEK! Welp, here's a story that should come with a fluffy kitten hugging a vodka bottle. So many questions and I don't even know what to say except that Henry Hopper kind of has rapey hair (whatever that means). You might be wondering if Jan Doe's mom ever went to the police to file charges against Henry Hopper for allegedly teen raping her daughter. TMZ doesn't know this yet. You might also be wondering why I haven't posted an adorable palate cleanser yet? Good question. Let me fix that:
Shit, that made things worse, right?
Eddie Cibrian turned 39 yesterday and to celebrate the born day of the man whose got her dickmatized, LeAnn Rimes had a special birthday cake made and that mess belongs in the Cake Wrecks Hall of Fame.
If LeAnn doesn't tweet it, it doesn't exist, so she shared that sugary gross mess with her followers yesterday. LeAnn says it's a cake of Eddie's favorite things including his boys, a paddle board, a Lakers jersey, a Bronco and her giving him a hoof job in bed. The hell is wrong with her? There should be a law that makes it illegal for bitches to ruin delicious, beautiful cake by fugging it up and LeAnn would be guilty of that. Nobody wants to see Eddie and LeAnn hand bang each other in bed and I especially don't want to see it in fondant form. Those two little fondant boys are right below and they're trying so hard to not look up. I don't think I've ever seen sugar look that scared before in my life.
Not only is that mess offensive to cakes, it's also factually incorrect. If LeAnn really wanted to put Eddie's favorite things on one cake, she should've just thrown a bunch of cash on top and called it a day.
(Thanks to all the FalcorAnn Rimes lovers who sent this in)
The pile of ground horse meat that is the sanctity of marriage is slightly twitching with life today, because Tan Mom's complexion idol Linda Hogan has decided to slip off the engagement ring given to her by her boy toy look-alike of four years Charlie Hill. After whoring themselves out for some spotlight time and a quick check on Vh1's "Couples Therapy," the ghost of Lindsay Lohan's future looks and Nick Hogan's ex-best friend decided to stop bumping jerkyfied genitals for good. Linda's lawyer issued this statement to Fox 411's PopTarts that completely shoots down the theory that a couple that peroxides together, stays together.
"There was a lot of therapy involved, and the couple realized they needed to do their own thing. The realization came this weekend. But it was a mutual decision, and a whole new chapter for both of them."
Every chapter in Linda Hogan's life was written by Stephen King and the next one will be no exception and that's the only reason why I'm posting this shit. Linda Hogan will terrorize again! So if you're the parent of a bleached blond teenage son whose favorite meal is an overcooked Hillshire Farms kielbasa with fried hash browns on top, then immediately chain one of his arms to the water heater. If the police find out and try to arrest you for false imprisonment, just look them in the eye and simply say, "Linda Hogan is single again." The next sound you'll hear is the police handcuffing your son's other arm to the water heater. It's that serious!
On last night's American Idol, JLo moved the hell out of her lips while twerking her shit with a chorus of John Travolta's wet dreams. JLo wouldn't be JLo if she didn't shove her piece into our eyes, and so Casper Smart got a starring spot. Casper twirled out, grabbed on JLo's ottoman pouf ass and the two practically swallowed each other's breaths. It looked like an interpretive dance of a seal eating a duck (you decide which is which). I think I speak for the Dragon Tales Twins when I say: "GROSS, MOM! STOP!"
I sort of like that JLo is humping on one of her dancers, because it probably creates serious backstage drama. Showgirls isn't just a movie. It's LIFE! I bet Casper gets his own dressing room, a later call time and doesn't have to eat brown rice and vegetables with the other dancers. Bitch gets it special. I wonder which one of the dancers grabbed Casper backstage and shouted at his ass, "You fuck her for the spot? Or you fuck her cause you wanted to?"
via The Daily Mail
From Tan Mom to OctoMom. I'm really blinding you with the stars today.
Because desperate times call for fucking yourself on camera for a check, OctoMom rubbed her way into masturbation porn at a mansion in the San Fernando Valley on Thursday. TMZ was told that Octo's first time putting some finger love on her octocoochie went well and if she had the urge to start bawling so she could scrub herself clean with her own tears, she at least waited in the car to do it like a true professional does! Octo apparently had a case of the nerves when she first got there, but after talking with a few porn stars and watching some fuck time movies, she was all ready to get down. Someone who was on set said that she was "a natural and looked great."
I'm happy that Octo's getting paid, but damn that is going to be some awkward shit. This is the same crazy ho who went "ewwwww" at Howard Stern when he asked her if she's ever had a little peen on her tongue. Octo claims she's never had an orgasm and hasn't been tickled down there for at least a decade. So the camera is going to catch the sexy moment of her flicking the webs away with her fingers. Just every layer of NO. Bitch is not going to know what to do. It's going to be like watching me try to make a fish pie without a recipe. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to watch it, but only because my face muscles need some exercise and they'll get a lot since I'll be cringing the entire time.
The truth is, if I wanted to watch someone NOT have a good time during sex stuff, I would've made sex tapes with my past boyfriends. Seriously, one time I looked up at one of my boyfriends and caught him checking his cuticles. Instead of going "oooh aaaaah" on the inside, dude was like, "Should I get a manicure?"
Ted Nugent is not normally the kind of trick I post about, but I wouldn't be able to get drunk and fall into a temporary coma tonight without telling you how your wet parts can win a one-on-one date with his lips. If you follow that boring political shit, then you already know that the Secret Service have pried themselves off of Colombian call girl coochie to investigate Ted for saying that he's going to be dead or in jail if Obama gets re-elected. While defending his own ass during an interview with CBS, Ted went on a serious fuck-filled rant and ended it by threatening CBS reporter Jeff Glor with a good time:
"I'm an extremely loving and passionate man, and people who investigate me honestly, without the baggage of political correctness, ascertain the conclusion that I'm a damned nice guy...and if you can find a screening process more powerful than that, I'll suck your dick. Or I'll fuck you, how's that sound?"
So now you know that all you have to do is find a screening process more powerful than THAT and Ted will gladly tickle your crotch huevos with the goat pubes on his chin. You're welcome!
via E! News
Since SamRo has an album of off-key dog howls to sell, she's gotta get back out on the ho stroll to work it hard and that's where her former partner in pussy Lindsay Lohan comes in. It's been two years since SamRo and LiLo scissored the fleas off of each other, but just like a raggedy, beat down moth to a flamecrotch, they can't stay away from one another. While SamRo was in NYC promoting her album, she reunited with LiLo and apparently picked at the crusty, stank, oozing scab called "their love." A witness type told X17Online (via DM) that the lesbian Amy & Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake were touching on each other at a club called Le Baron on Tuesday night. This is what X17's source said about the tenth (or twelfth, or twentieth.. I lost count) coming of ManSay (or whatever their stupid couple name was):
"Lindsay and Sam were whispering and laughing and they left the club holding hands. They didn't care who saw them, and they definitely seem to be back on. It was just like the old days -- they couldn't get enough of each other!"
CORRECTION: It doesn't sound it was totally like the old days. In the old days, the night would've ended with a boozed and coked up Blohan throwing herself on the hood of SamRo's car after breaking several glasses in the bar because she thought she saw SamRo making clit flicking eyes at some cocktail waitress. But if X17 is telling the truth, I'm sure we'll hear about acts of romance like that in the next few days.
And since the 2008 tomb is wide open and all the ghosts are coming out, can we please get a visit from La Pequeña?! I've put her face on every leche carton. Instead of looking at some boring ass pictures of LiLo's lips trying to jump off of her face (see below), let's relive the panty creaming brilliance of La Pequeña.
Lady CaCa wishes she could bring it like that!
And here's Pimp Mama Kris' latest fame-getting scheme going for a not-at-all staged and completely unchoreographed strut through NYC today. Pimp Mama Kris should really stuff a bonus in Kim Karkrashian's whore jar for flashing a perfect "if this doesn't get the cover of Life & Style I'm going to sacrifice another kitten to my creator Lucifer" smile at just the right time. Pimp Mama Kris has those whores trained well. I was about to say that the only thing real in these pictures is that ice cream cone, but I'm sure it's made from the same plastic Kim's face is made of and was rented from a prop shop.