Gross

TMZ says that Flavor Flav was arrested in Las Vegas early this morning and it wasn't for assaulting retinas by looking like a Sméagol crackhead. Flavor Flav was put into handcuffs for whooping on his fiancee before pulling a knife on her teenage son. Suddenly, Gitte Nielsen doesn't feel bad about doing the Given Up On Life Waltz by rolling around in the grass with a bottle of Popov vodka in her hand.

When the cops showed up to Foofy Foofy's house, his fiancee told them that they all got into a fight which ended with New York's former fuck partner beating her ass and threatening to cut up her son with a knife. Foofy was arrested and charged with misdemeanor domestic violence and felony assault with a deadly weapon. Foofy was held on $23,000 bail and he later bailed out, but was immediately transported to the local Hazmat facility where they flea dipped him in a quarantine tent.

You know, I don't remember "get your ass beat" as being one of the prizes for winning Flavor of Love.

And now I need to pull out my eyeballs with pliers and soak them in some Lubriderm, because that dreadful ass mug shot has dried me out. It looks like he's been rimming a pile of ashes. Bitch should be kept in jail for that alone.

Because the FBI has nothing better to do, TMZ is reporting that Hulk Hogan's lawyer got in touch with them to waaahwaaahwaaaah over the sadist who leaked his sex tape to the world. Believe me Hulk when I say you can't possibly be as devastated as those of us who have no self control when it comes to link-clicking and witnessed that horror.

Hulk wants the Feds to track down and prosecute the dirty bastard (we can at least all agree on that point) who showed the world his breathtaking secks moves that have Don Juan sitting at a bar in purgatory crying into his Mojito. TMZ says he tried to go to the Florida cops about it, but they were too busy tracking down face eating zombies, crazy jilted Depends wearing astronauts and Nick Hogan to deal with this mess. No, they said that since the tape was made in 2006, the statute of limitations - 4 years - had expired regarding the legality of taping someone without their permission, and that because the release crossed state lines it was a federal issue. And then they all pointed and laughed and said "Let me see if that's Nick, hold on." (ty I think Gawker)

Hulk (this is a grown ass man named Hulk, so hard to type with a straight face) is supposed to meet with FBI officials on Monday. Too bad he couldn't have met with them weeks ago before the tape went live, saving us all brain bleach, therapy and hive cream bills. I do agree though that the person who leaked that mess should be tracked down, drawn and quartered, dunked in rubbing alcohol and then burned. It's only fair.

What's grosser than gross? No it's not a joke, it's this story I came across about Octomom. It's disgusting enough that she forces us to think about her and sex at the same time with all of her nasty videos and Howard Stern appearances and pole dancing and other vomit inducing shit. But this story that I hope to hell is not true is, incredibly, far more disturbing than any of that stuff.

According to TMZ, a couple of her old nannies are throwing out allegations of child sexual abuse. Not that she abused her children, but that she allowed one of her boys to take one of her girls to the side where the nannies said he would touch her inappropriately. The nannies say that Octomom never tried to stop it, acted like it was no big deal, and they go on to talk about other neglect and abuse that they witnessed. Stay down, breakfast, stay down.

Octo says that the nannies are lying and I say HOLY FUCK I FUCKING HOPE SO. Ugh. All I know is if I ever want to abuse some kids, I'm taking my ass to Cali. CPS should just move the whole family into their facility so they can save themselves all the trips.

What in the Carrot Top meets a bottle of brown hair dye HELL is the meaning of this?

Just like The Situation's roid acne, my retinas need an extra long scrubbing after staring at his new ad for Peta. Yes, that poor kitten is obviously traumatized from being pressed up against The Situation's overcooked and HGH-filled veal cutlet, but it should be grateful. That's not a terrifying vein on The Situation's arm, that's a worm that crawled out of that kitten's ass. The Situation's smug face scares worms out of pussies!

And all hate aside, this ad does deliver a very important message. You should definitely spay or neuter your Mike Sorrentino today.

That dog and I have something in common. Terrified is the look that fills that dog's eyes when it sees an open jar of peanut butter sitting on the kitchen table. And I have that same look when I see the words "Hulk Hogan sex tape." Every single time.

When Gawker scraped our retinas off by giving us something more horrifying than Mr. Nanny, they said that Hulk Hogan put his polenta log dick (Side note: I had polenta for dinner last night and now it's creeping up my throat, so I only felt it was fitting to reference that mess here.) into the chocha of Heather Clem, the then wife of Florida radio host Bubba the Love Sponge. Hulk told Howard Stern (via TMZ) this morning that his sex tape co-star is Heather Clem and Bubba was okay with him boning her in a canopy bed. Hulk was married to Linda Hogan at the time, but he says she was such a mega bitch that she forced him to stick it in any trick who wanted some Hulkamania all up in her guts. Hulk is looking for who ever gave that tape to Gawker, because he had no idea he was being filmed.

Okay, so when Heather Clem (short for Clemidia) wasn't the liquid love sucked up by Bubba's Sponge, she was being passed around to his friends like Hulk Hogan and she did all of this willingly and for free? I don't know whether I should worship at Heather's exquisite heels for her dedication to being a brazen hussy whore or if I should shake my head at her for being gross. I swear, Florida is a HELLUVA drug.

This morning, my brain is filled with more WTF than usual and it's all because of this story about how Lady CaCa wore a witch hat (Get it? Witch hunt? THIS bitch.) to have dinner with that Wikileaks ho Julian Assange at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London after M.I.A. tweeted her a slightly shady invitation. CaCa posted this picture of her and Julian looking like American Apparel's version of the Wicked Witch of the West and the Tin Man.

Julian has been hiding out in the Ecuadorian Embassy since June, because he's wanted in Sweden for allegedly raping two women. The Telegraph says that CaCa showed up at around 7pm last night, had dinner with Julian and then left at midnight. The embassy has no idea if M.I.A. was there.

What in the hell did these two fame whores talk about for five hours? I know CaCa and Julian are both highly-skilled copy + paste artists, but besides that what do they have in common? CaCa probably vomm-ed at the mouth about her art while Julian touched her wrong with his eyes (CaCa hangs around Terry Richardson, so she's used to it) and kept pushing a cup full of Sleepytime tea toward her. Then while CaCa kept barfing about herself, Julian offered her a bong full of Valerian and finally a plate of Ambien cake with a side of ZzzQuil dipping syrup. That's how their dinner date went.

And if these two ever come a couple, they'll have the best couple name ever. I say they go with either Ass Gag or Ass CaCa.

At her show in Barcelona on Saturday night, Lady GaGa did what I do every time she starts hurling up words about her art: she barfed. During Edge of Gory, CaCa let the backing track take over while she gave a three time barf show. That is the most eloquent thing that has come out of her mouth in a long time. Part of me thinks this is some staged and choreographed barfing, because we all know that CaCa is the second coming of Warhol and the most important artist of our time (next to James Franco), so this could be her performance art take on admitting she was bulimic once. I'm sure every art professor has canceled Columbus Day and has called an emergency class to fully dissect CaCa's newest work of barf art. But the trick who should really get all the attention is that dancer. Every barfing trick needs a dancer who will try to hide the grossness with his double dream hands and "making a rainbow" arm moves.

And I'm guessing CaCa got the barfs, because she either smelled her own perfume or she just ate a meal shipped in from her own restaurant. Speaking of CaCa's jar of period sex fumes, here she is whoring it out at Harrod's in London last night while wearing a Freddy Krueger glove some 6-year-old made using macaroni and gold spray paint.

Oh, grandma, cover your face, because this might be the worst thing to hit your eyeballs since you read the words "Matlock canceled!" in Readers Digest.

Like with most horrific thoughts that leave temporary oozing sores on my brain, I completely forgot that a Hulk Hogan sex tape made the rounds last March and that the crispy walrus tried to stop it from coming out. But an anonymous evil doer who is obviously working for the Illuminati sent the 30-minute long tape to Gawker and they didn't want anything in return. They just wanted Gawker to see it. Yeah, so that anonymous evil doer is like that friend who tells you to come out, because they want you to see this dead, mutilated pigeon that's been ran over so many times that it's practically part of the pavement. Thank you, friend! A.J. Daulerio from Gawker watched all 30 minutes of it, and after he woke up from a coma brought on by excessive fapping, he posted almost 2 minutes of the tape's greatest moments and then wrote in detail what goes down.

Last March, Hulk said that he sticks it in so many tricks that he doesn't know most of their names, so there's no way he can even guess who his fuck tape partner is. Gawker thinks his sex tape co-star is the wife of his best friend Bubba the Love Sponge (I'm CAN'T-ing about that name so you don't have to). Hulk claims that he was secretly taped and it's obvious he was, because the camera is set up like a surveillance camera in a bodega. It's black and white and the quality is shitty, but even through the graininess you can see Hulk's blinding white ass, which matches his blinding white Friar Tuck hair. Hulk is nothing but orange and white. Bitch is like an Orangesicle from hell.

The tape starts off with some mystery dude (maybe Bubba) telling Hulk and the chick that he's going to his office to let them do their thing. The two start to get into the grossness, but stop for a second when Hulk's phone rings and you probably already guessed this, but his ring tone is his daughter Brooke Hogan's song "About Us." Yeah, I'll wait here as you change your skin.

When I wrote about this mess in March, I guessed that Hulk's dick is so small that any woman's clit could pin it down in a wrestling match. But I was wrong. You only see a second of Hulk's jerky stick, but it looks like it's big enough for you to use as a club to knock yourself out so you can wake up not remembering any of this. Hulk's trick rides his charbroiled salchicha before he busts one and then they have a quick conversation about how Nick's girlfriend's sister wants to do him.

You can watch this mess and read the play-by-play at Gawker. Hulk says "thank you" at the end, which makes me thinks this is a prostitution whore situation. And Hulk's ho says "your big dick feels so good in my pussy" while she's riding him. Now if you turn to the chapter in the hooker whore handbook on dirty things to say when you're bored while riding dick, that line is definitely in there.  Also, Hulk's piece has brown hair. So much peroxide has seeped into Hulk's head that he probably cums pure bleach and no brunette is going to risk getting bleach stains on her pubes FOR FREE.

A million years ago I walked into the bathroom of some goth club in L.A. and listened to (and saw) some drunk, stumbling mess in the first stall get the barfs from the butt and miss the toilet. I thought that was the most disgusting shit (punned on purpose) to ever happen in a club bathroom, but that mess was nothing compared to what happened in the bathroom of the NYC nightclub Griffin on Tuesday morning. Both Page Six and the NYDN say that in the bathroom of the Griffin, RiRi and Chris Brown got physical, only this time she didn't end up in the emergency room.

Some witness tells Page Six that RiRi showed up to the club after Fist Brown did and sat at a table near his.  Fist Brown made his way to RiRi's table, lifted up his shirt and the two started freaking on each other and mouth fucking. You'd think that the bathroom would already be occupied by people barfing their souls out from watching those stupid bitches get gross on each other, but it wasn't, because RiRi and Fist Brown went in there together. When they came out of the bathroom, the witness says RiRi looked a little "ruffled." Fist Brown and his entourage of dick bags left at around 4 in the morning and RiRi followed five minutes later. Hollywood Life says that RiRi went back for more, because she was partying with Fist Brown at 1 Oak last night.

Sometimes dickmatization is a serious disease and will fuck you up in more ways than one. I'm trash, so I'm all for bathroom sex, but I'm not for having bathroom sex with a nasty ass wart who nearly punched your face into the next zip code. If RiRi is that adick-ded to Fist Brown, she should just stick a pool noodle on an angry beaver toy and ride that instead. It's the same thing and way more safe. Gross bitches, the both of them.

Speaking of addiction, I am addicted to House Hunters International and have probably seen every episode at least 5 times. Lately, they've been repeating this one episode from Brazil over and over again. So when I first read this story about Fist bending RiRi over a toilet, my first thought was this:

My thoughts exactly, Rafaella. And the same thought goes for the shit RiRi wore yesterday in NYC.

The zombie apocalypse is a real thing and it's suddenly entered a terrifying new phase, because zombies are so damn desperate that they're willing to put their mouths on the douche leather covering Danny Bonadouchie's face. The News Tribune says that Danny was in the middle of a fan meet-and-greet at a casino in Bow, Washington on Friday night when one of his fans decided that what would really make her time with him extra special is if they re-enacted the cheek butchering scene from Cape Fear.

Danny says that the fan asked him if she could kiss him on the cheek and after he gave a thumbs up to that, she sunk her teeth into his face like he was a ginger-glazed partridge straight out of the oven. Danny is usually so drunk and coked up that he can't feel his face, but he says that when that crazy bitch had her teeth in his skin, he felt things pop. So bitch must be sober for real.

Security eventually pulled the zombie off of Danny's face and he said that his first thought was that the ho must be high on bath salts. She was arrested, but Danny says that he's not pressing charges against her and he's not mad. Danny has a few bite marks on his cheek and they gave him some antibiotics, but he doesn't know yet if he's been turned out by a zombie. Scientists say that when a trick gets successfully zombie-fied, they slobber at the mouth uncontrollably, stumble into walls and lose all communication skills, and since Danny Bonaduce already acts like that all the time, we will never know the truth.

And the crazy zombie who bit Danny didn't need to be treated with antibiotics, but she did need to spend a few hours in the tank drying out since she instantly got drunk just from biting into his skin.