98 Degrees were on Watch What Happens Live last night to promote their new album and Andy Cohen brought up The Simpsons (the crazy family of crazies, not the cartoons) during a game of Plead The Fifth. The sneaky Siamese Cat in a tie asked the buff bull frog what's the best thing about not having Papa Joe as a father-in-law anymore. Nick Lachey twisted around on that question a bit before Drew Lachey shouted out, "EVERYTHING!" Then the memory bubble above Nick Lachey's head filled with images of Simpson hands on his ass when he said this:
"The best thing about not having Joe Simpson as a father-in-law anymore is that I don't have to play grab-ass under the table on Easter Sunday anymore."
Okay, I'm interpreting that two ways:
1. Papa Joe was such a devout Christian pastor (HAHAHAHAHAHAH) that he wouldn't allow any public displays of affection in front of his good Christian eyes, so Nick and Jessica had to grab at each other's parts on the down low.
2. Papa Joe squeezed the ripest parts of Nick's ass while blessing the food.
I thought it was #1, but then when I watched the clip below and I figured it was #2. If that's the case, why in the hell did he stay in that family for so long? If I'm sitting there eating my delicious glazed ham and I feel the hand of a creepy holy man touching my hams while throwing me a wink, that's my cue to drop my fork, ask for a to-go plate and get the hell out of there. Or I'd take my plate and eat out on the curb, across the street while wearing butt armor.
I'm still confused, so I'm just going to say that Jessica squeezed one of Nick's ass cheeks while Papa Joe squeezed the other....and now I'm disturbed.
19-year-old Harry Styles had dinner with the Stewarts in L.A. the other night and some said that he was all over 33-year-old Kimbo Stewart and others said that he was all over 25-year-old Ruby Stewart and I said that he was obviously licking butter off of Rod Stewart's voluptuous face mole. E! says they know which Stewart he's screwing on and it's none other than the relic from 2005 known as Kimberly Stewart.
Some source tells E! that Benicio Del Toro's one night stand turned baby mother and Taylor Swift's former stalking victim met through a mutual friend and it's still early, but she likes him enough to introduce him to her whole family. The source said:
"Kim is very strong willed, she goes for what she wants and Harry appreciates that. It is a very new thing and we'll see where it goes. She is exactly his type."
I guess since Kimbo Stewart has one baby to take care of, she doesn't mind taking care of another. I'm around Kimbo's age and I couldn't date a 19-year-old who looks like he just graduated from the 7th grade and looks like a toddler-aged Maggie Gyllenhaal in certain light. But I guess Kimbo's got to do who she's got to do to keep the paps coming at her.
And here's some absolutely thrilling pictures of Harry getting coffee while Kimbo waited in the car.
Minutes after Selena Gomez electrocuted Justin Bieber with shock therapy nipple clamps (that's the only explanation for that hair), somebody (his publicist) took a picture of them getting gross and threw it up on Instagram. The Biebs added the note:
"You've been makin music for too long babe come cuddle" -her
HA. Makin' music? I don't see a Fisher-Price keyboard and a Playskool Rocktivity music table. You know he's either Skyping with Usher or playing a Bob the Builder game.
Of course, this STUNT QUEEN picture has made a million Beliebers stand on the rails of their cribs and threaten to jump. Here's just a few of the most priceless responses:
Help in having a panic attack maybe I should get my priorities straight this picture makes me sad
Selena your a fucking ugly whore and we all fucking hate you and your an asshole and hurt justin so bad and you were a sarcastic bitch I don't ducking know why you would take her back justin that was a stupid choice.
I thought u loved me but know i see u don't .i thought u were not gonna be back with her after all the bad things she said about you but I was wrong I don't want to be a #belieber anymore . And when u break up with her I promised my self that if u got back with her ill kill my self because I love u and I don't want to see u hurting again because of her . I know you might not see this because u are with her but I just want u to know I will always love u and ill protect u from #heaven I wish u the best bey . I killed my self for good
Puta selena justo publicas esto el dia que se cumplen 7 meses desde que avalanna murio
THIS IS AN OLD PIC. THERE'S NO TATTOO ON HIS BICEP. SO CONFUSED WHY WOULD HE POST AN OLD PICTURE
WHAT !? R USE DADTING AGAIN !? JELAAAAAA
And it goes on and on and on and on... I don't ducking know why Justin would do this, but I'm glad he did, because this is equal parts hilarious and sad (but it's not as sad as me spending my Friday night getting drunk and watching children meltdown on Instagram).
But you know, none of the Beliebers seemed to be concerned that in this picture Selena looks like she's about to drag Justin Bieber up to the attic to kill him.
Diddy seems to always be dating Cassie, but I guess he pushed her to the side again, because he was supposedly moisturizing the sexy all over Kate Upton at LIV in Miami on March 23. Kate stopped humping on Detroit Tigers pitcher Justin Verlander a couple of months ago and now some source tells the NYDN that she's rubbing her nips all over Diddy's gold grill.
One witness type said that they saw Diddy and Kate stabbing each other's mouths with their tongues at LIV and "they weren't trying to hide it." Then last Thursday, Diddy and Kate had dinner at Gemma in NYC. So all signs point to they're doing it part-time.
Kate is 20 and Diddy is 43. Kate could probably get a million rich dudes and Diddy never closes his mouth and most likely tastes like tonsil stones and JLo's dirty ass. So I'm not sure why this is happening. Maybe Kate Upton figures that since she's at the age where it's okay to blatantly make shitty decisions, she might as well blatantly make as many shitty decisions as she can. She already made this shitty decision (Note: posing for Terry Richardson sometimes leads to him jizzing on your face) and this shitty decision (Note: letting a horse nibble on your crotch is never a good idea, ask all of Trace Cyrus' ex-girlfriends), so she figures that she might as well make a few more. I guess that one day in the future, Kate wants to be able to tell her grandkids, "Diddy drank Cristal out of my cooch on a yacht once!"
UPDATE: Diddy's tongue was not down Kate Upton's throat, according to Diddy.
Yesterday wasn't a good day for chichis. First, the season premiere of Mad Men barely had any Joan and her magnificent chichis in it and now this! It's probably hard to read these words when a thick layer of vomit is covering your eyeballs, but you should try so at least you know why you're going to be temporarily blind today. Here's Dog the Bounty Hunter covering his deep fried salmon meatball face with Beth Chapman's two ton titties at the Academy of Country Music Awards in Las Vegas yesterday. This is making my Monday hangover feel hungover.
I really don't know which part is harder on my eyes, stomach and sensitive areas? Is it Dog's bald spot which sort of looks like a hairy nutsack? Is it the way he's smearing his nostril grease all over her chest? Or is it the fact that I now know what it looks like when he tosses Beth's salad since her suffocating chichis resemble a giant ass? It's all of the above! It's everything. Even Beth's elegant eyebrow jooree and her stunning lip liner can't erase the gross from this picture.
In case you want to barf more through your eyes, here's more pictures of Beth and Dog making sweet jerky-on-ham love at the ACM Awards. Because you might need to rinse your retinas out with something less disgusting, I also threw in some pictures of Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, Keith Urban, Carrie Underwears, Shania Twain, Sheryl Crow, Big Bird's carcass and Swifty.
You'd think that the only thing that would agree to marry Jesse James would be a popped anal wart on an alley rat's ass (no offense to popped anal warts on an alley rat's ass), but he actually found a living, breathing human being who wants to call him her husband. Vanilla Gorilla married billionaire shampoo and tequila heiress Alexis DeJoria in Malibu on Sunday. Either Vanilla Gorilla seriously brainwashed a ho Nazi-style or Alexis just really wants to be married to a tattooed bag of dehydrated gorilla dingles who will keep her guessing. What I mean by that is Alexis will constantly ask herself, "I wonder what kind of STD Vanilla Gorilla's nomad dick will deliver to my coochie today?"
People says that Vanilla Gorilla and Alexis DeJoria, who's also a drag racer, have only been bumping tattooed crotches for about 7 months. VG jumped on Alexis just a second after he broke up with Kat Von D. VG and Alexis got married at the Malibu home of her dad John Paul DeJoria, the co-founder of Paul Mitchell and Patron. VG's daughter Sunny was a flower girl along with Alexis' daughter Bella. The flower girls wore Hitler Youth uniforms, the bride wore this and the bride's family all wore tears on their faces, because they realized that they'll have to look at Vanilla Gorilla's punchable face every time they go to a family party.
Well, VG better start stock piling and hiding as many cases of Patron as he can, because it's only a matter of time before his fourth marriage ends when Alexis catches his dick doing the Hitler salute right into the pussy of some down river skank. Speaking of down river skanks, let's all take this to remember VG's skankiest side piece Bombshit McGee. Here's some pictures from last year of Bombshit getting her coochie warts burned and sawed off at the free clinic. Alexis, this is your future!
If that headline didn't make your genitals shrivel up and fall off your body before slithering out the door, then watching this clip from last night's episode of Kourtney and Kim Taint Miami will.
During last night's episode of the #1 show in the Ninth Circle, Khloe Kartrashian tells Kim and the slow one that she read that drinking pineapple juice makes your pussy taste sweet, so they put it the test. Dumping an entire Domino sugar factory into Kim's koochie couldn't make it sweet, but she goes for it anyway. At around the 32:30 mark in the video above, Kim and Kourtney take turns wiping their chochas on cloth napkins for Khloe to sniff on. Khloe tells the camera, "We're sisters, if I can't smell their pusses, what else are we supposed to do?" There's so many things these bitches can do as sisters. They can throw themselves into oncoming traffic. They can hold hands and jump into an active volcano together. They can feed themselves to wolves. They can do so many things!
After smelling Kim and Kourtney's pussy fumes, Khloe declares Kim the winner.
A wookie must have a weak sense of smell, because any other person would've fallen to the floor, convulsed and started foaming at the mouth once they sniffed Kim's kunt kreme. The producers of Dirty Jobs wanted Mike Rowe to work as Kim's gyno for one episode and even he couldn't say yes to that.
Either this pussy smelling contest was rigged or Bruce Jenner was hiding in the other room and Kim wiped her cloth between his butt cheeks, because you know he smells like a sugar cube dipped in hummingbird juice. I swear, these sucio slags. I kan't with them.
And here's KKK's kreator, Pimp Mama Kris, at the launch of Chunky Rob's sock line in Las Vegas. I'm surprised Kim and Kourtney didn't rub their boxes one of Rob's socks. PMK is slipping, because she definitely missed that product placement opportunity.
Charlie Sheen and Denise Richard's daughter Sam had to leave her school for good, because she was being bullied by a 9-year-old girl and the school didn't do anything about it. So how did Charlie Sheen handle the situation? Charlie told all of his Twitter followers to write the name of his daughter's bully in dog shit on the front door of the Viewpoint School in Calabasas, CA. Isn't that what all parents would do? Here's Charlie being as sane and reasonable as always:
This is a legitimate call to arms.
my daughter Sam was bullied out of Viewpoint school and then called a liar.
if you have a rotted egg
a roll of toilet paper
or some dog shit;
I urge u to deliver it with "extreme prejudice"
to their KamPuss run by trolls and charlatans.
make me proud.
we will not tolerate this level of
abhorrent disrespect towards the child of your favorite Warlock.
And if your feeling the
"show and tell" of it all,
smear the shit to spell one name on the front door;
eat that loser.
TMZ says that the 9-year-old girl was teasing Sam about everything including her mess of a dad and Denise Richards had several meetings at the school about it. Getting teased made Sam physically sick and she couldn't go to school anymore. During Denise's last meeting with the school and the bully's parents, they all accused Sam of making it all up and telling lies.
It's sad that I think it's progress when the only thing hitting the walls of a school is a piece of dog shit. And if Charlie really wants to make the school suffer, he should send them something much worse than a pile of dog caca. He should send them the Anger Management DVD box set.
I guess the love between a fame whore with a face like a melting plastic lion mask and a fellow fame whore who always looks like he's holding in a belch just wasn't meant to be. Adrienne Maloof of The Real Plastic Wives of Beverly Hills and Rod Stewart's son Sean started "dating" in January and now they're over. A source (aka Adrienne's publicist) tells UsWeekly that the ho stroll is a little less gross today, because Adrienne and Sean will no longer be touching tongues in front of the paparazzi.
"They've decided to distance themselves and become friends. Nothing bad happened," a source close to Maloof tells Us. "They're still going to hang out as friends, they enjoy each other's company."
Oh, it happen all the time. A desperate Cowardly Lion wax statue pays a bloated ZZ-lister thousands of dollars a week to be her pretend boyfriend so she can get a little more attention and the producers of her reality shit show will bring her back next season. But when the producers of her reality shit show dump her anyway, she buys him a mid-level Mercedes as a "thanks for trying" gift and sends him on his way. It's practically the new boy-meets-girl story!
We should all be happy that Adrienne and Sean didn't take this stunt all the way by leaking a sex tape, because I don't think I want to know what it feels like to violently vomit as the top layers of my eyeballs burn off.
I know, the last thing you needed to see on a Monday morning is a close-up shot of a dirty maxi-pad face. Well, at least it's all up from here and nothing you see this week will be grosser than a portrait of a Kartrashian looking like the tip of a 5 day old tampon.
On last night's episode of Kourtney and Kim Taint Miami, one of the Illuminati's secret beauty regimens was revealed when Kim Kartrashian got a Vampire Facelift. Since Kim is a vapid dildo of vainness, she will inject anything into her face (examples: resin, liquid nails, the sperm of Lucifer, the syrupy nectar that forms under Kanye's titties when he throws a tantrum, etc...etc..) to keep her mug looking as tight as Kanye's puckering pussay. And before she got knocked up, she tried some procedure where they take blood from your arm and separate the platelets before injecting it into your face. Here's how Wikipedia explains this Elizabeth Bathory shit:
The Vampire Facelift is the trademarked name for a non-surgical cosmetic procedure involving the reinjection of a gel-like substance—platelet rich fibrin matrix (PRFM)—derived from a patient’s own blood back into multiple areas of the skin of their face in an effort to treat wrinkles and “rejuvenate” the face.
Platelet-rich plasma (PRP) is blood plasma that has been enriched with platelets. When activated, either by thrombin or calcium chloride, PRP takes on the form of a viscous gel (PRFM) containing high levels of several platelet-derived growth factors (cytokines) that may then be injected into the face in much the same manner as other dermal fillers such as Juvederm and Restylane.
Although any of the many available commercial and non-commercial methods for isolating PRP could theoretically be used to obtain the PRP necessary to perform a Vampire Facelift, most media reports about the procedure to date have described using the Regen Lab system to generate the platelet rich plasma utilized.
As of April 2011, there are no scientific publications that describe the Vampire Facelift procedure or examine its efficacy. There are, however, three publications that report that PRP may be useful as a facial filler.
The Vampire Facelift costs around $1,000 and that doesn't include the mace you'll have to buy when the hyenas smell the blood on your mug and try to eat your face off.
There's no way that Kim used her own blood, because she doesn't have any blood. Kim had all of the blood lipoed from her veins years ago, because she thought all that blood made her look fat. Obviously, Kim used the blood of the virgins that Khloe Kardashian caught in the forest.
And no to all of this. The only vampire facial I want is one from Vampire Eric. Wait, I know that vampires cry blood, but do they cum blood too? Not that that's a deal breaker or anything.