Good For You
Because RiRi thinks she's the second coming of Bob Marley and a hero to all stoners, she Instagrammed a picture of the marijuana plant somebody gave her for National Single Awareness Day and added the note: "Roses are green! Somebody knows how to make me happy." You probably didn't read any of those words, because as soon as that picture loaded your mouth pulled your head toward the screen and you'll stay stuck there until the people who clean your office at night pry you off, Windex your screen and then put your mouth back on it.
Some people think that RiRi's bouquet from FTD's Willie Nelson collection came from Chris Brown. If it did, then RiRi must've found later that her marijuana plant was actually a bushel of funny-looking oregano, because they both showed up to Playhouse in Hollywood last night and she treated him like he was Frank Ocean and she was him. RiRi sat far away from him and kept throwing her stank face at him. Some witness type said this to UsWeekly:
"[They were] not at all on speaking terms. She refused to sit with or even near him. When she noticed he was there, she made a huge show of rubbing her presence in his face."
Please tell me that "rubbing her presence in his face" is just a really polite way of saying that she threw her dirty tampon at his face or dropped a queef bomb in his piña colada. But really, this is just The Difficult Brown and RiRi being The Difficult Brown and RiRi. You know, he tries to kill her, they kiss, they make up, he tries to kill her again, they kiss, they make up, etc... That's just them.
It's pretty obvious that The Difficult Brown is the one who gave her that beautiful gift, because he knows that marijuana reduces the intensity of pain. That is SO caring of him.
And here's some extremely riveting pictures of RiRi going to another club last night.
I know you didn't think it was possible for Shia LaDouche to get even more hardcore and method, but he has. Soon, some poor actress will reconsider her choices in life when she watches the crotch critters jump off of Shia's dirty dick bush while he does sex on her for real in Lars Von Trier's Nymphomaniac, but that won't be the first time he has gotten real for his art.
Shia guzzled down moonshine for real like his character in Lawless does, and for his new movie The Necessary Death of Charlie Countryman, he really tripped out on acid just like his character does. Watching the last Transformers shit show was like sitting in the middle of the brown eye of the worst acid trip ever, so at least Shia feels my pain now.
Shia told USA Today (via Vulture) that just like how Sean Penn actually strapped himself into the chair in Dead Man Walking, he tries to get inside the head of his characters by doing the same shit they do. Move out of the way, because we've got a real badass here:
"There's a way to do an acid trip like Harold & Kumar, and there's a way to be on acid. What I know of acting, Sean Penn actually strapped up to that (electric) chair in Dead Man Walking. These are the guys that I look up to."
Up until now, I thought the last thing we needed was a remake of The Piano, but can Hollywood please fart out a remake of The Piano and can they please cast Shia LaDouche in the Holly Hunter role? That way Shia can finally shut his shit-filled talk hole for five seconds. And because, I kind of want to see Shia do it old timey missionary-style with Harvey Keitel.
If that Sheriff is having a face orgasm from staring at Lindsay Lohan's freckled ass dumplings, then we all know that in the state of California exists a Sheriff who spends his off-duty hours watching granny porn while fucking a bag of prunes. The Belle of the California Justice System returned to her home away from the Chateau Marmont with White Oprah this morning for her second to last probation hearing.
As expected, Judge Stephanie sprinkled lines of crushed up gold stars in front of LiLo for doing what she's supposed to do including completing her community service and showing up to her therapy sessions. LiLo just has to finish up 14 hours of morgue duty and 5 therapy sessions before her last hearing on March 29th and then she'll be a FREEEEEE crackie.
Judge Stephanie must be a special kind of vampire who can glamour cokey zombies into doing what she wants, because it's a miracle that after all these years of spitting at the taint of the justice system, LiLo is no longer speeding down the Fuck Up Highway. Since Judge Stephanie has LiLo well trained (for now), can she please order her to stop bleaching her weave until it's the color of stomach bile? Peroxide should take a restraining order out against LiLo, because nobody's hair color should be the exact shade of dick funk. And on a positive note, I do like LiLo's mint dress. It's very "call girl on an early episode of Miami Vice."
In news that has stabbed a bloody hole into my faith in the growing legacy of gold diggers, TMZ reports that Russell Brand won't pick up a shovel and dig into Katy Perry's mountain of millions. Russell and Katy didn't sign a prenup before they ruined their lives by getting married and so if he wanted to, he could try to wrap his wallet around half of the $44 million she made during their 14-month marriage. But Russell (read in the voice of Kandi from Real Housewives) is an independent woman, doing it for himself and doesn't want Katy's money. That burn Russell just felt in his dick, wasn't one of his genital warts popping on its own again, it was the spirit of Anna Nicole Smith kneeing him in the crotch for being such a dumb bitch!
Russell's lawyer filed final divorce papers in court yesterday and made it clear that he wants to walk away with only the money he made during their marriage. Once source put it like this: "This divorce is as amicable as it gets, and Russell was a mensch (Yiddish for a good person)."
What is the Yiddish word for puto estúpido, because that's what Russell Brand really is. Russell has a plate of $22 million dollars in front of him and suddenly he's got a case of the nobles?! Think of all the metallic skinny jeans, suede pointy boots and bottles of Crisco's leave-in conditioner Russell could buy with all that money. But good for him for wanting to be a do-gooder and shit. Gross.
And here's a tip for Katy's lawyer. If "Russell Brand" suddenly hops into your office and declares that he suddenly wants half of EVERYTHING, make him Riverdance for 3 full minutes as confirmation that it's really him. Because there's a good chance that it's probably Heather Mills in a Jesus mask.
OMG, pleeeease let this be true!! According to TMZ, an ex Kardashian nanny is currently shopping around a tell-all book about her years
in hell in the Jenner/Kartrashian household. She reportedly dishes on the boys, Brandon Jenner and whats-his-name (that other Dancing with SARS one), and talks about what rude entitled brats they are. She goes on to talk shit about the girls, and I hope she spills details juicier than Kim's XXXXL ass.
Hopefully, she won't cover all the old angles we already know and hate them for, such as the sex tape, underage pole dancing, Pimp Mama Kris's infidelity, Scott's womanizer serial killer face and their general knack for making money off of being no-talent slags. I want some new dirt dammit, like Khloe shaves with sheep shears and Kim cries her mascara off every night (looks like this) because she blew it with Reggie for leaking her dirty ho ass-gulping tape with Ray J.
Some people may knock her for violating common decency and her contract of silence, but I'm on team MAKE THAT MONEY GIRLFRIEND. I mean, WWKKD? Exactly.
Thank you PSL!!
Marc Jacobs' former fiance Lorenzo Martone meticulously manicured the hair scarf hugging his face the same way some of us meticulously manicure our taint bush into shapes of the season (mine's Rudolph's head poking out of a wreath), so I didn't think Marc would ever find a piece who puts hair face grooming first. I stand corrected, because the Internet is saying that Marc is spreading his nipples all over this South American piece with a world-class eyebrow situation. (Joe Jonas, take note, this is what those wolf pubes over your eyes would look like after a visit from tweezers and an ice cub.)
The hot piece hugging on Marc from the back is Brazilian porn star and (NSFW) rent boy Harry Louis and he Tweeted out the picture above along with a note about how he's in love...blah blah blah...Paris...love... blah blah blah.... etc... GPS Brasilia has been saying for a couple of weeks now that Harry is Marc's new bought-and-paid-for bitch. Harry refused to say anything about this shit (a smart hooker never tells) and Marc closed his lips to the rumor that he's pulling a Calvin Klein.
I know your ass Googles Marc Jacobs' name every night before you go to bed so you can rest with the assurance of knowing that you know everything about Marc Jacobs' personal life, but I have a good reason for posting this shit. This reason is the answer to all of your questions!
You: Michael, why are you posting this shit?
Answer: FAT PEEN!
You: Michael, why does Marc Jacobs look like his overworked jaw is about to file a forced labor claim against his mouth?
Answer: FAT PEEN!
You: Michael, why would Marc fly that trick to Paris and shower him with expensive gifts?
Answer: FAT PEEN!
And since you're only looking at this post, because your eyes flew to the words "FAT PEEN" like, well, like eyes to the words "FAT PEEN," (NSFW) click here to see it. Warning: If you have a prostate, looking at that double stuffed dick might put (more) bruises on it. Looking at it will also give you a lunch craving for a monster burrito with extra beans. I'll place your order now.
Because John Travolta is just like me and sees fries as uncut potato penises, here he is swallowing some whole while taking a break from shooting Savages in Redondo Beach, CA yesterday afternoon. It's a for real shame that you couldn't see the shit John did with that milkshake on the table. The paparazzo didn't capture that shit, because he had to take a baby wipe to the lens that John greased up with his fry eatin' skills.
The reason why John was feeling extra free yesterday probably had something to do with the fact that his scalp pores weren't getting suffocated by the fried moose's ass he usually wears on top of his head. We should all remember this special day, because John Travolta airing out his natural hairline happens about as often as the dudes at the bath house don't see his weekend wig hanging in the coat check closet on a Saturday night.
That sound of an iceberg breaking off and falling into the ocean you hear is actually Nicole Kidman trying to raise a brow over what Kate Winslet said to The Telegraph recently. 35-year-old Kate says that she, Rachel Weisz and Emma Thompson have formed of group of superhero actresses who are dropping kicking the plastic surgeon's scalpel and shooting bullets through silicone titty sacks, because turning their bodies into a frozen tundra of zero emotion is against their "morals." Kate Winslet's alleged original nose hummed out the melody to "Don't You Forget About Me" while she, Rachel and Emma said this:
“I will never give in,” vows Winslet. “It goes against my morals, the way that my parents brought me up and what I consider to be natural beauty.”
Winslet, who is the daughter of “jobbing actors” from Berkshire, adds: “I am an actress, I don’t want to freeze the expression of my face.”
Her comments echo those by Thompson, to whom she has been close since they appeared together in Sense and Sensibility in 1995. “I’m not fiddling about with myself,” said Thompson, 52. “We’re in this awful youth-driven thing now where everybody needs to look 30 at 60.”
Weisz, 41, for her part, has said her natural beauty is an asset. “People who look too perfect don’t look sexy or particularly beautiful,” said the Oscar-winning star of The Constant Gardener, who married Daniel Craig this year.
Okay...and? You can close your open palm, Kate, because nobody's going to get a step ladder to climb up to your high horse and give you a gold star.
Really, what's this "morals" crap? Stretching your face until you're barely recognizable doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you a bad person to look at sometimes. If a Meg Ryan type wants to transform her face into Howard the Duck as seen through eyes of Picasso, who am I to judge? Yes, I'll make fun of her until my fingers go sore just like I'm making fun of Kate for standing at the altar of self-righteousness as the choir sings out "thiiiiiiiiis biiiiiiitch."
It's really not that serious. If you want to fuck with your face, fuck with your face. If you don't want to fuck with your face, don't fuck with your face. If you want to type the beautiful word fuck four times in two sentences, then type the beautiful word fuck four times in two sentences.
The British third cousin of Aretha Franklin's inauguration hat that inspired people to Photoshop pussies jumping through it (among other things) has sold on eBay for around $131,000. This is a little funny, because throw a minus sign before that number and that's the exact amount in Duchess Fergie's checking out! Expect Princess Bea to get a mysterious "change your password" e-mail from the address: email@example.com.
The auction was set up over a week ago after Princess Beatrice realized that the shit her head wore to the Royal Wedding was the breakout star of the day. Princess Bea will donate the entire $131,000 to UNICEF and Children in Crisis. After the auction, PB released this short statement of words about the hat that looks like two flamingo sperms bowing before a 1970s toilet seat: "It has its own personality, and I am so happy that we have raised the most incredible amount of money and can make an even bigger change for the lives of some of the most vulnerable children across the world."
That's wonderful and everything, but can the palace please let me know when they're going to put Prince Hot Ginge's Philip Treacy-designed crotch cup on eBay?
Earlier today, Marc Fiore, the executive producer of Gotti: Three Generations, waved his hands and made a big announcement that Lindsay Lohan was no longer in the running to play Victoria Gotti, because her management team was acting out the word every court-appointed therapist on Long Island writes on White Oprah's file: DELUSIONAL. Cut to this afternoon, Marc Fiore waved his hands and made a big announcement that Lindsay Lohan is back in the movie, but has signed on to play John Gotti's daughter-in-law Kim instead. This is the role that Kim Kardashian auditioned for.
The stunt queen of producers, Marc Fiore, tells Radar that after he cut ties with LiLo's team, she personally called him to smooth things over. Maro took her back and also signed for another movie of his called Mob Streets.
You know that little extra sharpness that comes out in your voice when you scream "THIS BITCH" at the Extreme Couponer in front of you at the supermarket checkout counter? Bring out that same sharpness when you read this: "THIS MOVIE!"
Tomorrow, Marc Fiore will get on his usual corner to shout about how LiLo is going to don a fat suit to play Gotti and John Travolta is going to bring out his secret "Sandy from Grease" wig to play Victoria. Marc must live in a cottage next to a bridge, because he's definitely trolling us all.
Meanwhile, you haven't read one line I've written (WHAT'S NEW?!!!), because your eyes haven't left the extremely entertaining frontline photo bomber in the picture above. Let's be real, she should play EVERY role in the Gotti movie.