Good God Girl Get A Grip
Sadly, my dream of Kanye Kardashian naming his next album "Bitch Slapped By A Street Sign" isn't going to come true. Kanye continued to pay tribute to his own God complex by choosing to name his next album Yeezus. You know, Yeezus as in Ye + Jesus. As in this is the reason why Jesus is shaking his head today. Some of Kanye's disciples have been calling him "Yeezus" on Twitter, Facebook and blogs for years, but I guess he decided to make the ridiculous nickname official.
Yes, I know the name "Yeezus" is supposed to make me roll my eyes, but I've always loved it and I think it's pretty fitting. To me, Yeezus sounds like something a lady gets when she has a yeast infection. "Doctor, my pussy can't stop wheezing!" "Oh, that's just a symptom of your yeast infection. Your pussy's got the yeezus!"
The cover of Kanye's album is also pretty fitting. It looks like a pile of dog shit wrapped in a gold condom wrapper on top of a black table covered in jizz splatters. It's perfect!
And in case you missed the best part of last night's SNL, here's Kanye awkwardly throwing side-eyes while everyone around him hugged and gave love to each other at the end of the show.
That's pretty much me at every party I go to.
(GIFs via Yahoo!'s newest adopted child)
The New York law offices of Scooby Doo & Associates are going to be busy as hell the next few weeks, because Amanda Bynes is going to sue every single person who calls her batshit crazy.
Amanda went off on Twitter today and promised to sue every magazine, news source, blogger and Twitter follower who dare post paparazzi pictures of her and say that she's doing something wrong. I'm going to get sued for posting this and you're going to get sued for reading this and our computers are going to get sued for transmitting this information, so once we're all done here we should call Johnnie Cochrane and ask him to save us. Here's Amanda's warning to us all:
I'm suing every blog, every magazine, every news source that's saying I'm doing anything wrong "erratic behavior" is not me! I'm suing In Touch, Us Weekly, Perez Hilton for hiring paparazzi who follow me then take the worst photos with the worst angles. I'd like to put up their worst photos on my twitter until they only start putting up my twitter photos when writing a story when there is NO story, just an awful photo posted with instead of a caption, they say I have erratic behavior when I do NOTHING wrong. There's NOTHING with my life, other than you putting up awful candid photo after photo. I'm working out, it's hard getting in shape with an eating disorder. Please follow me on twitter then look forward to be sued if you if say I have erratic behavior or am living my life wrong in anyway.
Then Amanda told E! that she loves them, but unfortunately, she's going to have to sue them too.
@eonline please post my pics anytime! I had to shave my head because of hair damage from someone @ John Barrett so I'm not loving my paparazzi pics for a few years! I have extensions but you can see them! Loving your shows but suing you for spreading lies about me on your website! Thanks for being my fan! True friends don't spread lies about me so I can't follow anyone from your network on twitter. I'll sue you everytime you post a lie with a paparazzi shot, I tell you everything that is going on about me on twitter. Only choose the paparazzi pics that I select and post on twitter and my personal pics when talking about me! I tweet all day about nothing just like everybody on the face of the earth! Thanks!
@eonline I never know when they're taking photos, but instead of the ones you (Us Weekly, In Touch, @PerezHilton) choose, pick the best one then say I'm walking around for exercise because that and tweeting is all you'll ever catch me doing. I'm suing you for all the lies you've all written in the past to have the stories and photos deleted of me from the Internet!
The short version of Amanda's tweets is: SUED! SUED! SUED! See you all at Judge Judy!
Below are some pictures of the busiest plaintiff in the world in NYC the other day. I know Amanda told us not to use paparazzi pictures of her, but whenever somebody tells me not to do something, I'm going to do it. This cat knows what I'm talking about.
Oh, and that cat? Yup, it's going to get sued.
Somebody in Newport Beach, CA lived out one of my fantasies last night by busting a CITIZEN'S ARREST on a bitch. That bitch was Jenna Jameson and surprisingly, she wasn't citizen's arrested for impersonating a methed-out moray eel. Jenna Jameson was arrested for allegedly beating on a trick.
TMZ says that Flotsam and Jetsam's long-lost cracked out sister was hanging out on the Balboa Peninsula when she got into some kind of altercation with someone. The altercation led to Jenna allegedly beating on that trick and that led to the trick dropping a citizen's arrest on her ass. The alleged victim then got a police officer's attention and Jenna was arrested for real. She was cited for battery and released. (Insert your own "she also needs to be cited for battering her coochie repeatedly" joke here.)
We all know Jenna Jameson as an extremely classy, law-abiding and graceful lady of elegance, so this is extremely out of character for her. Jenna's pristine reputation is tarnished forever.
But seriously, Jenna Jameson is turning 39 in a couple of days, so she's way too old to be throwing fists at whores on the boardwalk. 39-year-old mothers shouldn't be beating up bitches out in public like that. 39-year-old mothers should be drunkenly beating up another mother during her child's birthday party in her backyard. I mean, really, Jenna, grow up.
On April 2nd, the paparazzi took pictures of Amanda Bynes with chola burgundy hair and Nike sandals with white socks on her feet. The last part was the biggest cry for help, because you should only wear Adidas sandals with white socks if the year is 2005 and your name is KFed. But that night, Amanda Bynes went on twitter and claimed that somebody was identity thieving her ass. Amanda claimed it wasn't her in the pictures, because her blond hair has never touched a bowl full of blackberry Kool-Aid hair dye. We all sort of quietly nodded while hiding all the pink wigs, green umbrellas and barber clippers.
Then last night, Amanda tried to clear her name again by tweeting (and deleting) the picture above along with this denial:
That lavender MS Paint splatter says it all.
If Amanda's sanity is slowly spiraling down the gutter drains on the streets of Times Square, then somebody needs to come and get this child. If this is all just some elaborate, never-ending performance art piece, then somebody needs to come and get this child. If Amanda is just really method and this is all research for her new role in the Lindsay Lohan biopic, then somebody needs to come and get this child. What I'm saying is that whatever the reason for this is, somebody needs to help a ho out, because loved ones don't let loved ones wear Adidas sandals in the year 2013 no matter what.
You know, when Amanda screamed "IMPOSTOR!" the first time, I looked at the pictures and I actually thought to myself, "Hmmm, maybe that isn't her." She got to me! She's making me believe. This is what she wants me to think!
And somebody really needs to slap a warning label on Kid Cudi's dick, because this is what happens when you take a spin on it.
Here's Not Amanda Bynes hiding Not Amanda Bynes' face in NYC yesterday.
Shia LaDouche was supposed to make his Broadway debut opposite Alec Baldwin and Tom Sturridge in the play Orphans, but he dropped out just a week into rehearsals and the old "creative differences" excuse was the reason given for why he quit that bitch. I figured that meant everybody was busy being creative while he was in the corner drunkenly punching a metal folding chair, because it told him his performance in Transformers was emotionally lacking. Others figured that Shia was fired because when he got into the same room as Alec, the asshole levels exploded and the 100-year-old bricks on the walls started to break and crumble. Those who figured that were right! I think.
A source told The New York Times that director Daniel Sullivan was worried about Shia's "performance choices" and had several talks with Shia and the producers about this before he decided that the role should be recast. Shita (typo and it stays) couldn't keep his mouth shut about this and he went a Twitter rampage last night, tweeting the e-mail he wrote to everyone involved in the production and then he posted everyone's responses. Shia's email was co-produced by his local weed dealer and Jack Daniels, because it is a rambling stream of melodramatic ridiculousness. If Game of Thrones was rebooted and set in 1940s Boston and written by a writer who claims he's the second coming of David Mamet, this is what one of the monologues would read like. This is some serious Valar Dohaeris shit and not in a good way:
“My dad was a drug dealer. He was a shit human. But he was a man. He taught me how to be a man. What I know of men, Alec is. A man is good at his job. Not his work, not his avocation, not his hobby. Not his career. His job. A man can look you up and down and figure some things out. Before you say a word, he makes you. From your suitcase, from your watch, from your posture. A man infers.
A man owns up. That’s why Mark McGwire is not a man. A man grasps his mistakes. He lays claim to who he is, and what he was, whether he likes them or not. Some mistakes, though, he lets pass if no one notices. Like dropping the steak in the dirt.
He does not rely on rationalizations or explanations. He doesn’t winnow, winnow, winnow until truths can be humbly categorized, or intellectualized, until behavior can be written off with an explanation. A man knows his tools and how to use them – just the ones he needs. Knows which saw is for what, how to find the stud. A man does not know everything. He doesn’t try. He likes what other men know. A man can tell you he was wrong. That he did wrong. That he planned to. He can tell you when he is lost. He can apologize, even if sometimes it’s just to put an end to the bickering. Alec, I’m sorry for my part of a dis-agreeable situation. - Shia.”
A man also knows how to wear out a fucking bong, apparently. What kind of pretentious foolery? Like dropping shit in my eyes. Even James Franco is like, "Hit the brakes, Shia!"
UPDATE: Shia LaDouche's "a man" monologue was pretty much a copy + paste job of this article from Esquire. Of course!
And here's Alec's response. It's best if you read this in Michael Caine's voice, because I'm pretty sure this is one of Alfred's speeches from Batman:
“I’ve been through this before. It’s been a while. And perhaps some of the particulars are different. But it comes down to the fact that what we all do now is critical. Perhaps especially fro you. When the change comes, how do we handle it, whether it be good or bad? What do we learn? I don’t have an unkind word to say about you. You have my word. – AB”
Shia responded with, "Same. Be well. Good luck on the play. You'll be great."
And Tom Sturridge responded with:
“Are you still here? I don’t really know what to write. I went in this afternoon and they were all there… producers, etc. I said my piece but they didn’t really listen. I don’t understand what has happened here. Maybe you have had a more enlightening conversation with someone by now. All I can say is that it truly was an honour to work with you even if it was only for a few days. I was stunned by the work you were doing, the performance you were giving. I think you lifted the play to a place high than maybe it even deserved to be. I hope this isn’t the last time we work together and I especially hope it isn’t the last time we see each other. Hope you’re ok brother – Tom”
I think what Tom really meant to write was, "Are you still here, because it sounds like the shit you're smoking is making your brain liquefy and leak out of the pores on your head and I'm going to need your dealer's number."
And finally, Daniel Sullivan responded with this:
“I’m too old for disagreeable situations. You’re on hell of a great actor. Alec is who he is. You are who you are. You two are incompatible. I should have known it. This one will haunt me. You tried to warn me. You said you were a different breed. I didn’t get it. – Dan“
Actor and theater people are so beyond weird. Why aren't all of us in the theater? You get to smoke a lot of drugs and write emails like you're a character in a superhero movie. "You tried to warn me! The change is coming! I should've listened! Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?"
And since we've gone this far, let's go all the way and let the foolery tip our chairs back until we fall on the floor. Here's Shia's audition video:
Professional fuckery maker and the embarrassment of the Keeblers elves came out of retirement the other night to tell jokes at a show in Los Angeles and he used his time on stage to say he knows of a black movie star whose b-hole tingles for the peen. As Will Smith shook with nervousness right out of his panties, Katt Williams said that Jamie Foxx is a gay. Some people acted all shocked, but mostly everybody else let a "meh," because the rumor that Jamie Foxx likes to squeeze peens with his luscious pecs has been around since the beginning of time. But Katt Williams went even farther by naming names.
HuffPo posted a video of Katt saying that Jamie is wrapping his Foxx hole around the dick belonging to singer Marcus Anthony who's on his label. After Katt said that Jamie Foxx loves peen, he went on a rant about how he turned down a role in Django Unchained, because that shit is racist.
“Who’s gay? Jamie Foxx. I can even tell you the name of the dude he fucked. His name is Marcus Anthony; he’s the only dude signed to Jamie Foxx’s label. Check it out and then Twitter the dude and ask him to see if he'll say yes. The dude told me backstage at a show and he told me I could bring him onstage and air it out. I said, 'No, nigga, let me wait until I get to L.A.'
Fuck Jamie Foxx and the 'Django Unchained' check he cashed. They offered me the script and I said, 'Any nigga that do this deserves to die. And the next thing I heard, Jamie Foxx was in makeup. I went to the set myself and I couldn't believe it. I got a copy of the script. They gave me a copy of the script written in Spielberg's hands. The words 'fuck you, nigger' appear one hundred and seventy six times in the script."
And here's the video if your eyes need that today:
The two most shocking parts of that video is that: a) Katt Williams actually showed up for a show and; b) Katt Williams had a mic in his hand and managed not to beat the brains out of his one of fans.
The zombie apocalypse is a real thing and it's suddenly entered a terrifying new phase, because zombies are so damn desperate that they're willing to put their mouths on the douche leather covering Danny Bonadouchie's face. The News Tribune says that Danny was in the middle of a fan meet-and-greet at a casino in Bow, Washington on Friday night when one of his fans decided that what would really make her time with him extra special is if they re-enacted the cheek butchering scene from Cape Fear.
Danny says that the fan asked him if she could kiss him on the cheek and after he gave a thumbs up to that, she sunk her teeth into his face like he was a ginger-glazed partridge straight out of the oven. Danny is usually so drunk and coked up that he can't feel his face, but he says that when that crazy bitch had her teeth in his skin, he felt things pop. So bitch must be sober for real.
Security eventually pulled the zombie off of Danny's face and he said that his first thought was that the ho must be high on bath salts. She was arrested, but Danny says that he's not pressing charges against her and he's not mad. Danny has a few bite marks on his cheek and they gave him some antibiotics, but he doesn't know yet if he's been turned out by a zombie. Scientists say that when a trick gets successfully zombie-fied, they slobber at the mouth uncontrollably, stumble into walls and lose all communication skills, and since Danny Bonaduce already acts like that all the time, we will never know the truth.
And the crazy zombie who bit Danny didn't need to be treated with antibiotics, but she did need to spend a few hours in the tank drying out since she instantly got drunk just from biting into his skin.
Erin Moran, seen above with Mrs. C during happier days (slap me for that pun, I deserve it) in 2009, is down and out in Indiana after getting kicked out of the trailer park she was living in. Erin, who played Joanie Cunningham in Happy Days, and her husband Steve Fleischmann are motel hopping, because they don't have any place to live and their money is draining away faster than whatever is left of Scott Baio's sanity.
Erin's road to woe started years ago when she was evicted from her California home. To save money, Erin and Steve moved into his mom's trailer in New Salisbury, Indiana earlier this summer, but that situation didn't last long. Steve and Erin both became trailer park rejects after his mom couldn't take their hard partying and kicked them out. The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that Erin got thousands of dollars in a cash settlement from CBS after the Happy Days cast sued the network over merchandising revenue, but she's drinking that money up so fast that it's only a matter of time before her checking account is completely dry. Erin and Steve were living at a Holiday Inn Express for a little while, but they were kicked out for being drunken messes. Some source put it like this:
“On several occasions the hotel management warned Erin to curb her unruly behavior. But they finally had enough of her temper and demanded that she immediately leave the property."
You know what? We've all been there. We've all drunkenly passed out on the scratchy shag rug of a Holiday Inn Express in Indiana and then got woken up by the management throwing our stuff into the parking lot, because we broke the vending machine in the hallway while getting into a fight with it the night before. We've all been there and we'll all be there again. Besides, it could be worse, she could be married to Scott Baio in real life.
If Amanda Bynes had any fucks to give about her situation, she already ground it up in her weed grinder and smoked it in her one hitter. TMZ has a gallery of over 20 pictures of Amanda Bynes living the dream by smoking the good shit out of a cigarette lighter pipe in her BMW before eating Baja Fresh tacos and toking up again in a Home Depot parking lot. I know, what a beyond dumb bitch. I mean, who inhales the breath of the Gods while parked in a Home Depot parking lot? Does she really want her buzz ruined by a day worker (who is probably my cousin) knocking on her car window to ask if she needs her roof fixed or something?
Amanda shouldn't even be driving, because: a) She's Amanda Bynes and she's more of a menace to drivers than a Ke$hit song popping up on the radio (Nothing will make you want to crash into the center divider like the sound of Ke$hit's auto-tuned mouth farts.) and; b) Bitch got her license suspended on August 25th, because she refused to blow into the breathalyzer during her DUI arrest.
The paps first caught Amanda at a Baja Fresh in the Valley and clicked their cameras as she took herself higher in the car in between eating on some delicious tacos. Toking and eatin' is real stressful, so Amanda got her stoned muscles massaged at a spa for 3 hours. Amanda got back in her car and drove the way you'd expect Amanda to drive. Bumper Car Mandy cut people off and broke a bunch of traffic laws. Amanda drove around aimlessly for several hours before driving into a Home Depot parking lot to suck on her pipe some more. While Amanda was away from her car, the paps took pictures of the inside and just like her life, it's a sad mess. It's like peeking into the inside of her brain. There's shit scattered everywhere and the one empty can of A&W tells me that maybe just maybe she's capable of making one good decision.
What more is there to say about this mess. I wouldn't be surprised if Amanda turned to a life of joo-ree thieving to support her weed and tacos habit (ala Lindsay Lohan) or inherited Brit Brit's pink wig and started terrorizing gas stations. And the paps are either really shitty business people or Amanda bribed them with a taco to not call the cops on her and snap away as her stoned ass got taken away in handcuffs. My guess is the latter, because if the paps are anything like me, they'll do anything if you wave a Baja Fresh taco at them.