Gitte Nielsen

Brigitte Nielsen wrote in her memoirs last year that she hopped on Arnold Schwarzenegger's schnitzel a few times while shooting Red Sonja in 1984, but he kept his tramp lips shut about it until now. Arnold's got his own book coming out next week and since books don't just jump to the top of the New York Times Bestsellers list by themselves, he's finally spilling it about the time he bumped bare pecs with Gitte.

According to Time, the former Governor of Mildred Baena's Chocha admits that while he was living with Maria Shriver,  he had a fuck party with Gitte. Arnold writes that getting with Gitte helped him realize that he wanted to marry Maria. Time put it like this:

Schwarzenegger and Nielsen co-starred in the 1985 film “Red Sonja.” Nielsen wrote in a memoir published last year that she and Schwarzenegger had an “outrageous affair” while making the movie and that she didn’t know until later that he was involved with Shriver.

Schwarzenegger writes that he knew the fling with Nielsen wouldn’t last and in fact it only made him realize that he wanted to marry Shriver.

Maria Shriver probably didn't even waste energy on rolling her eyes at this, because Arnold has dicked everything and anything. Arnold has the Flat Stanley of dicks. It's been everywhere. And Gitte should take it as a compliment that when Arnold was humping on her, he looked deep up into her flaring nostrils and only saw the image of him ruining Maria's life by marrying her. Bitch dodged a bullet, because if she married Arnold, it'd end with her rolling around in the grass of a Studio City park while drunk on Popov vodka (that's Russian for "given up on life"). Oh, wait...

And here's some pictures from a couple of weeks ago of Arnold hanging out with a hot friend while looking like a blind ostrich who's pumped up on the wrong kind of hormones.

Remember those pictures from like a day ago of Brigitte Nielsen doing a spot-on impersonation of all of us by throwing herself a daytime drunk party for one in the middle of a park in Studio City, CA? Well, Gitte told Radar that she's perfectly fine and things aren't bad as they looked in those pictures. So what if Gitte was guzzling down a bottom shelf vodka that I wouldn't even use to disinfect my asshole with (I'm lying). So what if Gitte looked like she was buying wine in the park parking lot. So what if Gitte looked like a broke off, boozed up Big Foot stumbling into the brush to look for a discarded bottle of beer to suckle on. She just fell face first off the wagon and took a little nap before getting back on. Gitte explained it like this:

"I would like to thank all my fans as well as my friends from the Hollywood community for the heart warming calls and emails about those unfortunate and dramatic pictures. Looking at the pictures I can understand the level of worrying, but I can assure everyone that there is no cause for alarm. I have been on the road working non-stop for such a long time, fulfilling my professional commitments, shooting shows around the world with all the pressure that comes with it.

That combined with major health issues in my family drove me to the unfortunate circumstances that you can see on the pictures. At that moment in time, I felt like I needed a moment to myself, in a park. The vodka came about as a desperate move to try to release some pressure and is under no circumstances an indication of how I lead my life on a day to day basis."

[My mother] is extremely ill. I just haven't been coping well with my mother's illness. I'm not making any excuses for my actions. I have spoken to my sponsor from Alcoholics Anonymous, and I continue to go to meetings. I'm committed to my sobriety, and I'm not going to let this momentary relapse define me. I'm not perfect, and I'm battling a disease, and yes, there will be setbacks, but I know what I need to do in order to be healthy."

Well, it's good that Foofy Foofy's former soulmate has taken her marked seat on the wagon again and she wasn't lying about being desperate. I mean, desperation's official drink of choice is Popov vodka. Nothing says "I am all fresh out fucks to give" like guzzling down a vodka that is made of the potato chip crumbs left at the bottom of a bowl at the end of a party.

Who hasn't passed out on a patch of grass in the park after downing a bottle of vodka? We all have and the trust fund hipsters in my neighborhood have practically made a career out of doing just that. Seriously, they probably write "park drunk" next to occupation on their tax forms. But these pictures of Brigitte Nielsen at a park in Studio City, CA are a whole new level of SANTO DIOS.

Gitte has been in and out of rehab, including Celebrity Rehab, since 2007 and she was sober as of 2010. Unless Gitte misplaced her thermos and is using those vodka bottles to hold water, she's off the wagon again. Several paps followed Gitte to a park this past weekend and watched as she drank some Popov vodka, smoked a few cigs and drank some more Popov vodka. Never mind that drinking Popov vodka (aka the vodka of choice for the person who doesn't give a damn) is a silent cry for help, why didn't the paps call Dr. Drew to come and get Gitte? I know Dr. Drew wouldn't have come if the paps only told him that Gitte was drunk in the park, but his fame whore ass definitely would've come if the paps told him cameras were there.

Oh, Gitte. She just hasn't been the same ever since she humped on Foofy Foofy. There's definitely a connection there.