From Tan Mom to OctoMom. I'm really blinding you with the stars today.
Because desperate times call for fucking yourself on camera for a check, OctoMom rubbed her way into masturbation porn at a mansion in the San Fernando Valley on Thursday. TMZ was told that Octo's first time putting some finger love on her octocoochie went well and if she had the urge to start bawling so she could scrub herself clean with her own tears, she at least waited in the car to do it like a true professional does! Octo apparently had a case of the nerves when she first got there, but after talking with a few porn stars and watching some fuck time movies, she was all ready to get down. Someone who was on set said that she was "a natural and looked great."
I'm happy that Octo's getting paid, but damn that is going to be some awkward shit. This is the same crazy ho who went "ewwwww" at Howard Stern when he asked her if she's ever had a little peen on her tongue. Octo claims she's never had an orgasm and hasn't been tickled down there for at least a decade. So the camera is going to catch the sexy moment of her flicking the webs away with her fingers. Just every layer of NO. Bitch is not going to know what to do. It's going to be like watching me try to make a fish pie without a recipe. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to watch it, but only because my face muscles need some exercise and they'll get a lot since I'll be cringing the entire time.
The truth is, if I wanted to watch someone NOT have a good time during sex stuff, I would've made sex tapes with my past boyfriends. Seriously, one time I looked up at one of my boyfriends and caught him checking his cuticles. Instead of going "oooh aaaaah" on the inside, dude was like, "Should I get a manicure?"
While Linda Evangelista is trying to get $46k a month in child support to take care of a son she has full custody of, Gabriel Aubry is showing her up by trying to get $20k a month in child support to take care of a daughter who doesn't live with him all the time. Gabriel also wants Halle to write a $500,000 check to his lawyers. And the race for Miss Gold Digger Beauty of 2012 heats up!
Gabriel has been trying to get at least $20k a month in child support since March and he was in court yesterday to make it happen. TMZ says that the judge wouldn't rule on it yesterday, because the lawyers Gabriel owes $500,000 to didn't file the paperwork right. Apparently, Gabriel was making a beautiful sad face over this, because without Halle's money Nahla will have to sleep in an egg crate stuffed in a laundry basket when she comes to visit and he'll have to feed her creamed pickle soup he makes from tap water, Coffee-mate packs and relish packets he steels from Weinerschnitzel.
Gabriel told the court that he wants more child support from Halle so he can rent a nicer house and provide Nahla with the kind of life she's accustomed to (read: a fancy one).
Everything I need to say about this I already said in March (Yes, I'm still pissed about losing my butt cherry to a janky mattress), but I'm posting it now, because I hope the #getmoneybitch goddess hears my prayer and puts Linda and Gabriel together. Gabriel and Linda are too beautiful to work full time and they both need to sleep on panda pubes sheets in order to raise their children. They belong together. Let us pray:
For about a year now, my idol Linda Evangelista has been trying to get $46,000 a month in child support from Salma Hayek's billionaire husband Francois-Henri Pinault, because she believes her 5-year-old son Augie needs his own armed guards and a 24-hour nanny. Franny Hen (Can I call him that?), who just made hundreds of thousands of dollars in the time it took you to read that last sentence, doesn't think it takes over half a million dollars a year to raise a kid. Franny Hen's lawyers told the court that Linda is going to use most of that money on herself. Um. Today's DUH is brought to you by that statement. Of course Linda is going to dip into that money to pay for beauty treatments, but only because supervising a $16k-a-month security guard and a $7k-a-month nanny is hard on the face. We all know that Linda once said she won't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day. Well, she won't get out of bed to supervise a nanny for less than $1,500 a day. Franny Hen is kind of getting a deal.
Linda, Franny Hen and their lawyers were all back in a Manhattan courtroom yesterday to continue to scrap over Augie's child support. The Patron Saint of #getmoneybitch testified that after Franny found out she was knocked up with his kid, he tried to persuade her to have an abortion. Franny's lawyer later told USA Today that those words never came out of his client's mouth. Franny testified that Linda didn't include him in her decision to have Augie, but he told her that he would "recognize the child." Linda's lawyer told the court that she's supported Augie most of his life on her $1.8 million-a-year income, but she took a major financial hit last year when her contract with L'Oreal was not renewed. Linda's lawyers also let it be known that his daughter with Salma Hayek has a $12 million Los Angeles home in a trust just for her.
Franny's family is worth around $13 billion and his lawyers argued that Linda is just trying to "piggyback the lifestyle of Mr. Pinault."
Until Mr. Pinault agrees to pay me $46k a month in support (Let me know if you need my PayPal info, Franny!), I will be Team #getmoneybitch now and forever. His defense is that he didn't get a choice in whether or not Linda should keep their child and he doesn't think she needs $50k a month to take care of Augie. Franny should've thought about that before he humped on Linda bareback-style. Franny is also a dumb bitch for asking Linda to have an abortion. That is a classic case of wasting your breath. If I was knocked up with a billionaire's baby, I'd totally be like, "Oh yes, I'm totally going to get rid of a baby that is going to get me $50,000 a month in child support so I can hire a nanny to take care of him all the time while I'm off getting gold nuggets body wraps!"
But seriously, just like Salma Hayek's daughter, Augie deserves his own security guard, a full-time nanny and a mommy whose skin is twinkling something magical from her weekly diamond dust facials. Mr. Pinault needs to kiss Linda's freshly scrubbed ass.
OctoMom has 15 mouths to feed, doesn't have a steady job, gets at least $4,000 a month in public assistance, is losing her house and owes her creditors $1 million. So in order to dig herself out of the mountain of bills that is bigger than the mountain of dirty diapers in her kitchen, she can either try to sell some of her kids to Brangelina ("This one looks really good wearing all black, Angie!") or she can declare bankruptcy and tap her octopussy on camera for a check. Octo is going with the second option. I'll wait here while you update your "Things I Don't Want To Put My Eyeballs On But Will Put My Eyeballs On Because I Like To Feel Dead Inside While Watching Porn" list.
Octo tells E! News that she's hoping to start over financially by taking a Magic Eraser to her outstanding invoices from Verizon Wireless, Orkin Pest Control (note: that joke is too easy), the DMV, a Christian school, Sparkletts, Indy Mac Mortgage and a few utility companies. Octo filed for Chapter 7 on Friday and in the documents she says that she has $50,000 in assets and $1 million worth of liabilities. Octo went on to tell E!:
"I have had to make some very difficult decisions this year and Filing Chapter 7 was one of them. But I have to do what is best for my children and I need a fresh start."
Because Octo's financial state is as broke as her sanity, she's signed up to do solo porn for an unnamed adult entertainment company. A source tells TMZ that Octo is getting more than the $10,000 she got from Closer for posing sort of topless, but who knows if she's getting close to the $1 million Vivid offered her ass a while ago. Octo has vowed a million times over that she will never go against her morals by doing porn, but she doesn't see this as porn since she's keeping her hands to herself.
My stomach just filed for Chapter 7 just thinking about Octo rubbing on her coochie tentacles. Didn't Octo say that she's celibate and hasn't hugged her clit with her fingers in years?! Not only is this video going to fuck with our faith in porn, but it's also going to be depressing, boring and uncomfortable as all hell. That mess should be marketed as an educational video on how NOT to do yourself. Watching Octo try to rub out an orgasm is probably like watching John Travolta try to figure out how cunnilingus works.
The crazy who said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten, was talking about this right here.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the death of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes and TLC has used this day to announce to TMZ that they are in the middle of planning a reunion tour that will take over the US sometime this year. T-Boz and Chilli have already booked 5 cities and are planning many, many more. Fire up your side-eye making muscle, because you'll feel the need to throw some eye shade after reading the next sentence. The same digital black magic that brought Tupac to life at Coochella will bring Left Eye back to life on tour and TLC plans to dance next to her hologram on stage. And the start of the hologram revolution begins. We're all doomed!
A bitch has to get paid, I know, but does everything have to be hologram this and hologram that? If I want to see a vision of something that really isn't there, I'll just do drugs. Shit. That's what normal people do. Oh well, it could be a lot worse. At least they're not bringing O'So Krispie on tour....
I hate myself for remembering R U The Girl.
Remember back in 2010 when Melissa Etheridge's ex-wife Tammy Lynn Michaels brought the melodramatic starving street urchin theatrics in a blog post where she said that she's barely surviving on the $2,000 child support she gets every month and that she's nourishing herself with tap water from a neighbor's garden hose and dirt pies? That poem was one of my favorite things from 2010, because every time I read it that Sarah McLachlan song started playing in my head as I pictured Tammy Lynn staring up at me with weak, hungry eyes. Well, that "SCREW THE STARVING CHILDREN OF THE WORLD, WHAT ABOUT ME?!" rant must've paid off, because sometime between now and then a judge upped her child support to $23,000 a month! But guess what? It's still not good enough for Tammy Lynn.
TMZ says that Tammy Lynn filed papers in court claiming that it's not fair that she's getting ONLY twenty three Gs a month while Melissa is making over $177,000 every 30 days. Tammy's savings is all dried up, she'll need "extensive retraining" if she joins the workforce again and she says she's used to the luxurious lifestyle she lived while with Melissa. Tammy also accused Melissa of brainwashing their children to hate her and now the kids won't even give her a hug (Tammy says that like it's a bad thing).
Melissa is fighting back by filing her own papers claiming that Tammy accidentally burned one of their kids with a cigarette and refuses to give her 50/50 custody because she didn't give birth to them. Melissa also attached this email that Tammy allegedly sent her ass:
You have to support so many households because YOU BROKE SO MANY HOUSEHOLDS, silly. If you had decided to have one ounce of integrity/honesty as a person or partner, you would NOT be in this predicament. Think about it.
I know Tammy Lynn is a crazy, delusional, money-hungry drama queen, but I love the game she's playing. You have to respect a hustler who went from eating dirt pies to eating dirt pies stuffed with filet mignon and it's still not good enough. I love how Tammy says she needs "extensive retraining" to get a job. I could lick that line dry. Wasn't Tammy an actress? What kind of retraining does her ass need? If cardboard person Blake Lively can do it, so can she.
But Tammy really does need more money a month. I bet the cigarette she accidentally burned her kid with was a Marlboro. Marlboro are for the poors only! Tammy is the kind of woman who should only be sucking on platinum-tipped skinny cigarettes imported from Monaco. Melissa is seriously A MONSTER for doing that to Tammy.
Because all of us want to look as sexy and svelte as possible even as we piss ourselves, Depend has come out with a line of ultra slim piss pads that won't give you diaper lines, and they've hired 48-year-old Lisa Rinna of all hos to push that shit in a new commercial. I know Lisa's career is in the shit can and her lips could win first place in a throbbing hemorrhoid look-alike contest, but besides that what does she have to do with bowel movements? I guess Depend is saving Fergie for their new collection of diaper g-strings, Hugh Jackman for their line of diaper speedos and Gérard Depardieu for their line of control-top french cut piss catchers. Whatever. Lisa's collagen worm lips aren't going to plump themselves, so I say, piss yourself to a check, Lisa Renal!
Selling Quarter Pounders is the gateway drug to selling poundings for a quarter (or a little more) is what one former ho is claiming. Shelley Lynn has filed a lawsuit against McDonald's in federal court claiming that Ronald McDonald and his company of pussy merchants led her to selling her Filet O'Fish at the Chicken Ranch in Nevada. Shelley claims that if she never worked at McDonald's in 1982, she never would've met her future pimp/husband and she never would've taken up to 12 peens a night in a brothel. 12 peens in a night may sound like a dream to some of you sluts out there (it also sounds like the beginning of the recipe for pink slime), but it wasn't one for Shelley.
The NYDN says that Shelley's road to peddling poon started when Keith Handley hired her to work behind the counter at a McDonald's in Arroyo Grande, CA in 1982. Shelley claims in her lawsuit that a little while after she mixed business with pleasure by dating Keith, he convinced one of his managers to fire her for some shit she didn't do. That left Shelley vulnerable and hard up for money to pay her bills. Shelley says that Keith continued to wrap her around his finger by buying her a house in Las Vegas in 1986.
Keith then pressured Shelley to get a job as a legal hooker at the Chicken Ranch so she'd earn enough money to pay him back for the house. Shelley gave in to Keith and thanks to her 12 dicks a night average she qickly became one of the tops hos at the Chicken Ranch. Shelley eventually married Keith in 1988 but they later split.
Shelley, who also names her ex-husband's company in the lawsuit, is suing McDonald's for failing "to conduct a due diligence into the moral character of Handley when it sold franchises to him.” Shelley wants cash for lost wages, special damages, negligence punitive damages and for sex trafficking damages.
This bitch is BOLD as all hell and I'm lovin' it! Who ever connected the 5 Billion Served sign on her coochie to McDonald's is a genius. Sure, there's a few holes in her case, but I'm with her one hundred percent. Just look at Ronald McDonald. Ronald McDonald has a red fro, shoes from 6th Street, a creepy grin and a yellow-gloved pimp hand. Of course, he's in the coochie game. Poor Bridie is probably giving beak jobs in the back for a bag of McSeed.
I hope Shelley sues the white off of Ronald's face. And when she's done with that, can she please pass me her lawyer's business card. Because I worked for Disneyland one summer and there must be a way to blame them for me being a non-paid whore.
On an episode of The Mah Boo Fun Time Hour of Giggles airing today, The Silver Fox puts his giggle on hold to talk to Michelle Duggar's partner in populating, OctoMom, about those awkward half-nekkid pictures of her pulled and pricked baby machine making body in Closer Magazine. TMZ said that Octo pulled her chichis out for ten thousand dollars, but she tells Anderson that she got $1,000 for each octuplet. For those of you who have the adding skills of a Simpson, that's $8,000! I couldn't even get an offer of 8 expired game tickets from Bullwinkle's to put my nipples on display, so good on you, Octo.
Octo also tells Anderson that she shit on most of the offers thrown at her (including a $1 million offer from Vivid to give birth to a peen, backwards), because they went against her morals. But when the eviction notices started piling up on her doorstep and she was a checking account withdrawal away from the homeless shelter, she loosened her morals and pulled her top off. But it was a hard decision for Octo. Octo spent more time thinking about taking her clothes off than she spent thinking about whether or not she should let a back alley certified doctor shove 8 fucking embryos up into her body. But before Octo said yes to undress, she gathered her 14 children around and talked it over with them. Octo's oldest kid is around 10 years old and her youngest are all 3 years old, so that conversation must have been fun for everyone around:
Octo: "Okay, kids, we're thisclose to selling mud pies on the freeway off ramp, so mama has to pull her feeding bags out for rent money. All in favor, raise your hands. Oh damn, I can't see anything. I don't know if it's because the lights are off in my head or if it's because ConEd turned the lights off in the house again."
Octo is doing what she has to do to put half of Food 4 Less on the dinner table each night, but how many more $8k offers is she going to get? Octo is going about it the wrong way. What she needs to do is put all of her 14 kids in brown curly wigs down to their ankles and find a way to get them to the Duggar compound. Michelle Duggar won't even notice, and if she does, put those 14 kids in flowers costumes. Because the three things Michelle Duggar can't say no to are: her own children, flowers and Jim Bob's sperm. (Plan C: Put those 14 kids in Jim Bob sperm fish costumes.)
Yes, I was one of the 10 trillion assholes who waited 90 minutes to see The Hunger Games (not to be confused with New York Fashion Week). Yes, I was also that asshole who threw a not-so-secret side-eye and an under the breath "stupid cunt" at the people in front of me whose group of friends magically showed up to join them in front of the line ten seconds before they let us in. (Note: That "stupid cunt" was really meant for me, because I'm mad that I didn't have friends who waited 90 minutes in line for me.) You were probably one of those assholes in line with me, because EVERYBODY went to see that Hongray shit this weekend.
Deadline says that THG beat the sparkle out of the Twatlight Saga by earning $214.25 million internationally ($155 million domestically), making it the third biggest opening of all time behind Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2 and The Dark Knight. The last Twatlight movie opened with $138 million. That calmness you just felt was the universe sighing over the fact that every Twihard has stopped creaming...for now. Here's this weekend's top 10:
1. The Hunger Games - $155 million
2. 21 Jump Street - $21.3 million
3. Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax 3D - $13.1 million
4. John Carter 3D - $5 million
5. Act Of Valor - $2 million
6. Project X - $1.9 million
7. A Thousand Words - $1.9 million
8. October Baby - $1.7 million
9. Safe House - $1.3 million
9. Journey 2 - $1.3 million
HA @ John Carter.
For the most part, I liked The Hongray Games, but mostly because the dude across the aisle from me provided me with priceless moments like shouting "DAMN BITCH" when Katmess schooled her mother. The movie I imagined in my head while reading the book was a lot better, but that's because I pictured RuPaul as Ru, Gayle King as Gale (the movie Gale sucked) and The Silver Fox as Foxface. But you know, the people who saw John Carter probably had a better time than I did. Because the only reason to buy a ticket to John Carter is if you and your fuck piece need a private, empty and dark place to get down. Any theater showing John Carter can provide that, because nobody went to see that shit.
And here's a few ultra exciting pictures of Jennifer Lawrence buying coffee or tea or whatever at Whole Foods in Santa Monica.