And OctoMom's manufactured O face is the exact open-mouthed, wonk-eyed face I made while looking at most of these pictures. My eyeballs really tried to escape by rolling to the back when I landed on this picture of Octo dressed like a forgotten Rock of Love Bus trick who buys all of her clothes at gas stations and rest stop gift shops. I mean, how did that vest happen?
OctoMom's fap born debut titled "Octomom: Home Alone" is coming out (apologies for the things that pun did to your stomach) next week and Wicked got the party started by giving these censored pictures to TMZ. Usually, I'm cursing at a black bar for being a fun hater by blocking the goods, but I'm okay with them this time. We're cool. They're doing good work by keeping your coffee down.
Unless a video of Charlie Sheen masturbating with a rubber octopus toy while looking at these pictures makes the rounds, this is the most disturbing thing I'll see all day. There's nothing more depressing than watching a broke, destitute ho tap at her chocha (while surrounded by fucking baby clothes) to feed all 14 of her kids. And you're not supposed to wash onesies on a board with your coochie out. I think I learned that rule on Pregnant in Heels or something.
Last January, I stared at a picture of Vanessa Bryant PNJ (post nose job) on my monitor and softly sang the lyrics to "Wind Beneath My Wings" after reading that she hit Kobe Bryant up big in the divorce settlement by getting 3 Newport Beach mansions and half of the $150 million he made during their 11 year marriage. I was expecting Vanessa to use her gold digging shovel to break ground on GDU (Gold Digging University) so she can teach amateur wallet fuckers the tricks of her trade. BUT WAIT, hold your applications to GDU, because the Yoda of gold diggers has pressed pause on her divorce. Vanessa and Kobe never signed the papers, and for the past few months they've been going back and forth. The marriage is now back on.
TMZ says Kobe and Vanessa are working on patching up their torn apart, bloody carcass of a dead marriage. A source says that Kobe hasn't moved back in with Vanessa yet, but they're trying hard to fix the problems that ripped the heart of their marriage out. Vanessa and Kobe have until this Monday to sign the papers, taking the last breath out of their marriage, or they'll have to file all over again.
Vanessa and Kobe are trying to fix the problems that ruined their marriage? HA! That's like a power bottom trying to let the tear in his b-hole heal, but he just can't stop sitting on peen after peen after peen. Vanessa and Kobe's marriage died, because he couldn't stop sticking his dick rod in the cooch hole of any Lakers groupie who winked at his ass. So how are they going to fix that problem when he's still trying to beat Wilt Chamberlain's record? The only thing Vanessa is working on is trying to fatten up her checking account more. Bitch really is brilliant. Vanessa doesn't have to smell the random twat fumes wafting off of Kobe's crotch when he gets into her bed at night, because he's not living with her. And Kobe is out there making more money to add to her pot. Why hug half of $150 million when you can hug half of $200 million or $250 million. Now I know the REAL reason why one of my Salvadoran relatives, who will go unnamed, said to me once, "I can't stand Mexicans." Bitch was just hating on Vanessa Laine Bryant's Hall of Fame-worthy gold digging game. The end.
Rubbing her octopoon on camera opened OctoMom up to a whole new world of ho shit opportunities and she's taking one of those opportunities by flying to Florida to shake her titty bags on stage at one of West Palm Beach's finest strip clubs. Since the zombie apocalypse has desensitized everyone's sense of sight, T's Lounge decided now is a good time to hire OctoMom as a featured entertainer.
TMZ says that Octo will do two shows a night from July 11th to the 15th. Those of you hoping to find out if Octo's got two sets of duck lips will have to wait until her fap porn comes out later this summer, because she's keeping her chonies on at T's Lounge. Octo will only go topless and won't be giving lap dances in the champagne room. T's Lounge will pay Octo thousands of dollars to rub her c-section scars against the stripper people.
So to recap, OctoMom is going to awkwardly tweak her half-naked baby making machine body to Creed's With Arms Wide Open at a Florida strip club. This sounds like my kind of event. Dlisted field trip!
And before OctoMom gets on the pole, they should slather that pole with spermicide and wrap it with layers and layers of condom rubber. I know Octo's last batch of babies came from IVF, but I still believe that bitch is so damn fertile that if her crotch came in contact with an unsanitized stripper pole, she'd find herself knocked up again.
Yes, much-anticipated! Dozens of unlicensed pharmacists in the Long Island area have been anticipating for White Oprah to finally get a job so they can get paid the way they did during the glory days of Living Lohan.
White Oprah's sedated face will not only make an appearance on one reality show, but it will make an appearance on two. White Oprah needs to star in an episode of Intervention and a few episodes of TLC's Cell Block 6: Female Lock Up, but in the meantime she's shooting episodes of Vh1's Hollywood Exes and a yet to be picked up show called DramaMamas.
Vh1 has Basketball Wives, Baseball Wives, Mob Wives, Hip Hop Wives, Drug Dealer Wives, Veterinary Assistant Wives, Ping Pong Champions Wives, Mail Man Wives, Blah Blah Wives and now they have Hollywood Ex-Wives! TMZ says that Hollywood Exes stars the ex pieces of Prince, R. Kelly, Jose Canseco, Eddie Murphy and Will Smith. White Oprah isn't a regular on that mess, but the producers brought her in to spice shit up. You know, because every reality show needs a comic relief who will get caught licking up the leftover booze in a bar back's bin and whose catchphrase will be, "Are you going to drink that?"
DramaMamas is basically a Dance Moms knock-off and Zap2It says the show will follow the moms of the child stars of a Broadway-bound musical. White Oprah is apparently one of the producers of the musical, because nothing needs to make sense anymore, so why not? But seriously, nothing good can come out of White Oprah producing a show starring children. I'm sure that for the show's big finale, the adorable children will dance into the audience and sneakily steal the audience members' rings and watches before dropping that shit into a giant sack held by White Oprah.
I'm happy that White Oprah is finally making a little money, which means she won't sell little Cody Lohan's internal organs to the highest bidder just yet, but I have one question. Why in the hell hasn't Nana Lohan gotten her own show yet?!
Greg Allman of The Allman Brothers Band has been married 6 times, including one time to Cher, but now he can say with a full (and not at all vaginamatized) heart that he has found true, organic love with a girl who probably wasn't even born yet when a white hair first sprouted out of his crotch bush. 64-year-old Greg went on Piers Morgan's show on Tuesday night and introduced his child bride, 24-year-old Shannon Williams to the world. You might be thinking that this is a bad move for Greg's checking account, but I have to disagree with your ass (and not only because I'm always on Team #getmoneybitch). This is a smart move! In one year, Greg and Shannon can save money at restaurants by ordering from the seniors AND children's menu. Get that discount, bitches!
Greg also told Piers that he doesn't consider Shannon as his 7th wife, he considers her his first wife. Yes, it's like that.
"That's not what she's becoming. She's becoming wife number one. I don't have a wife. Haven't had one for years.
And, added The Allman Brothers Band founding member, "This time, I am really in love."
Can't you feel the love in the air? Or maybe that breeze is from Anna Nicole Smith slow clapping for Shannon up in heaven.
After 601 blog posts of Tammy Lynn Michaels doing nothing but moaning and groaning about how selfish lezmonster Melissa Etheridge left her with a flatlining checking account (aka $23,000 a month) and a mutilated heart stabbed by a shiny new rubber dick, their bitter bitch custody battle is finally over. Tammy Lynn managed to get through it without having to shut down her blog because she ate her fingers off due to almost dying of the starvation forced upon her by Melissa Etheridge. It's the end of a "farting out blog haikus about your ex's box of new dicks" era!
TMZ says that Melissa and Tammy Lynn both agreed to share custody of their 5-year-old twin boys. Tammy Lynn no longer has to eat nail clippings soup for dinner and she doesn't have to suffer through EXTENSIVE retraining to get back into the work force, because Melissa is going to send her more than $23,000 a month in spousal and child support. We don't know how much more, but at least you don't have to spend your work day worrying about Tammy Lynn having to get a job, because she doesn't have to do that anymore!
The selfish part of me will miss Tammy Lynn constantly Maya Angelou-ing about the trials and tribulations of a non-working single parent trying to support two chirruns on a six figure salary. But the unselfish part of me is glad that Tammy Lynn no longer has to buy her pussy balls at The Salvation Army. I swear, Tammy Lynn has played all of this flawlessly and it's like Heather Mills was mentoring her the whole time. Trying to get thousands upon thousands of dollars out of your millionaire ex so you don't have to work IS work. Bitch deserves to retire for that. "#GOTthatmoneybitch" - TLM
And you can curse at the "like" button for that.
One of my biggest regrets in life, besides drinking an all-green protein shake for breakfast today (BARF! NEVER AGAIN!), is not getting a job as a janitor, muralist or glory hole attendant at Facebook during its earlier days. Because if I did, about this time tomorrow I'd be writing Dlisted posts from my private island while clones of Prince Hot Ginge feed me a fresh batch of Zingers I had flown in on my invisible Wonder Woman plane flown by Lynda Carter herself. As you know by now, Facebook went public today and not only is this going to make Mark Zuckerberg a boy billionaire 20 times over, but it might make Bono richer than Paul McCartney.
HuffPo says that in 2009, Bono's company Elevation Partners invested $90 million in Facebook, which earned them 2.3 percent of the company. With Facebook's IPO expected to hit $100 billion, Elevation Partners' shares could be worth up to $1.5 billion. The not-at-all reliable Celebrity Net Worth says Bono's solid gold money vault is filled with around $900 million. Depending on how much of Elevation's earnings belongs personally to Bono, he could be richer than Paul McCartney by the end of the day. Paul McCartney is currently worth around $1.05 billion.
Bono is obviously going to use a lot of that money to fund his various charitable causes, or at least he's going to use a lot of that money to throw a charity benefit where U2 will play for a $5 million fee and A-listers will drink $20-a-sip champagne. But Bono should also use that money to build a portable moat around him, because that booming hopping sound you hear is Heather Mills coming to snatch his ass!
Before JLo got the American Idol job, she was headed straight for Dancing with the Has-Beens, a county fair tour with Martika (JLo wishes!) and she'd eventually end up performing as a Selena impersonator at office holiday parties. American Idol put that bitch and her heffalump ass back on top and now that she's there she doesn't have to pretend to care about a bunch of brats whose farts sound better than her natural singing voice.
A source tells UsWeekly that JLo doesn't even have time in her busy schedule for American Idol anymore. JLo is going to tour the country with Enrique Iglesias, is working on a new album, has a couple of movies in the works and has to train Casper Smart to not shit in the tub while they're having romantic bubble bath times. The source explained, "There is too much going on for her right now. She regrets she can't stay on the show. It's been an incredible experience and she is forever grateful that she did it."
Can I get a "bitch, please" because it's so obvious what JLo is trying to pull here. If there's one thing JLo loves more than Casper Smart slathering her ass with Baby Oil while telling her that she's got the most magnificent ass in the game, it's money, bitch. American Idol paid JLo $20 million last season to be completely useless and she's obviously trying to get a raise. I can't fault JLo for being a greedy, money-eating whore who puts diamond water in her enema tube. I'd do the same thing. But don't try JLo's move with your boss. If you tried to get a raise by telling your boss that you just don't have time for your job anymore, the only thing you'd get is an empty cardboard box to put all your cubicle decorations in.
Because of the Met Ball avalanche that hit me yesterday (I'm still plucking Beyonce's feathers out of my mouth and putting ice over my eyeball from getting poked by Anja Rubik's hip shank), I didn't have time to get to the Linda Evangelista child support case. But to quote Francois-Henri Pinault every time one of his girlfriends tells him that she's gotten her period after a pregnancy scare: better late than never, bitch!
For days, Linda and fashion mogul Franny were fighting it out over the $46,000 she wanted a month to take care of her 5-year-old son Augie. Even though the custom-made panda fur toilet paper Franny wipes his ass with costs more than $46,000 a roll, he didn't want to pay that and told the court that Linda was going to use most of the money on herself.
Finally, after spending the weekend fighting it out, Linda and Franny came to an agreement on Monday. Linda, who gave us serious businesswoman with MONAY glamour, sashayed into a Manhattan court yesterday to sign the agreement after the judge approved it. The agreement has been stuffed into a condom and sealed forever, so the details aren't known. But a source tells the NYDN that the settlement is “nowhere near $46,000 a month.”
But is it over the $19,000 a month (the current New York State record) Diddy pays, because us appreciators of gold diggers need to know whether or not we should raise our shovels in victory? Franny is a dead-hearted piece of trash if he's giving Linda less than $19,000 a month in child support. How is she going to live on pennies?! I guess we'll know if we see Augie shuffling around the street and instead of an armed bodyguard at his side, he's got a whistle around his neck and some pepper spray in his hand. And instead of a 24-hour nanny holding his hand, he's holding a walkie talkie his mom gave him. That better not happen, because just like Joan Collins, it's not right for Linda Evangelista to play poor in real life, fake life or ANY life.
Having waited 90 damn minutes in line to see that Hunger Games shit, I was not about to do it again for The Avengers so I was not one of the fifty billion people to pay $14 to see it this weekend. They didn't miss my money, because it made a little over $200 million. To put things into perspective, that's around $199, 999, 970 more than Katherine Heigl's masterpiece Zyzzyx made in its entire run. The Avengers slapped down Harry Potter's ass and now holds the title for having the biggest opening weekend ever. Showgirls SHOULD hold the title for having the biggest opening (you can stop right there and this sentence will still make sense) weekend ever, which is why I'll never understand American cinema and shit.
Deadline Hollywood says that The Avengers has made almost $600 million internationally. It had the best biggest grossing opening weekend in IMAX's history and also broke records in over a dozen countries. Allow me to translate those figures into slut talk we can all understand. Basically, The Avengers is the permanently hard 9-inch dick of superhero movies. Makes sense now, right? Here's what the rest of the weekend's box office looked like:
1. The Avengers - $200.3 million
2. Think Like A Man - $8 million
3. The Hunger Games - $5.7 million
4. The Lucky One - $5.1 million
5. The Pirates! Band of Misfits - $5.4 million
6. The Five-Year Engagement - $5.1 million
7. The Raven - $2.5 million
8. Safe - $2.4 million
9. Chimpanzee - $2.3 million
10. The Three Stooges - $1.8 million
I bet every single person who paid to see The Three Stooges only did so because their dumb asses didn't buy tickets to The Avengers online. Every movie theater cashier who sold a ticket to The Three Stooges probably heard the line: "The Avengers is sold out all night? Damn. Give me a ticket to The Three Stooges then, I guess. Damn!"