#getmoneybitch

American can't resist getting deep into Mama June's "Michelin Man meets Stay Puft" chins and so Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has become one of The Learning Channel's biggest hits. More people watched gnats nom nom at Mama June's Forklift Foot than watched Paul Ryan talk at the Republican National Convention. This obviously means that Mitt Romney chose the wrong running mate and he should've picked Mama June's Forklift Foot instead.

Mama June, Honey Boo Boo Chile, Sugar Bear, Chickadee, Snickerdoodles, Piggypine and Liver Lips McGrowl (or whatever the hell those girls' names are) would probably be happy if TLC paid them with a tub of cheese balls, a season pass to Hometown Buffet and a six-pack of stale cupcakes bought at a food auction, but TLC pays them with money. The Hollywood Reporter says that the entire family makes around $4,000 an episode and that means they make $40,000 for a full season of 10 episodes. But wait, Mama June tells TMZ that The Hollywood Reporter is wrong, because TLC has stuffed a lot more than $40,000 into her chin cleavage. Mama June wouldn't say how much the family gets paid to fart and scratch at their neck fungus, but she says it's a whole lot more than $4,000 per episode.

$40,000 does buy a lot of baby formula (aka Mountain Dew), but when this mess gets renewed, and it will get renewed, I'm sure they'll make a million more coins. Mama June's Forklift Foot deserves to get paid more than scale! So next season, expect to see them riding around on Cadillac four wheelers, eating Cheetos instead of Sam's Choice cheese balls and expect to see a coat of Chanel nail polish on Mama June's gnarly Quasimodotoe.

(Picture via Tumblr)

No, seriously, is it?? Probably not, but ever since Ryan Lochte admitted to playing the wrong kind of watersports in the pool and Michael Phelps nodded his agreement, I'm obsessed with knowing just where Olympic swimmers draw the bodily function line. Is snot okay?? Of course spit is, but what if there's a little more than spit going on there? What about jizz? Okay, I'll stop there and yes I've given this way too much thought and I didn't want to take that terrifying journey alone so I forced you all along. You're welcome.

The actual point to this post - yes, there really is a point - is to show you sluts Louis Vuitton's latest ad, featuring THE MEDAL WINNINGEST OLYMPIAN OF ALL TIMEZ (USA!!!). The ad (from E!) shows Phelps soaking in his Speedos like we all do in the tub and not giving a fuck (a fart quite possibly, but not a fuck) if his super rich retiring AT 27 ass splashes bath water all over his LV duffle bag.

And when MK sent me this link, he said "They should have put the bag over his head instead." *sigh* MK always says it better!

It's sort of infuriating and depressing at the same time that an insane fuckup like Lindsay Lohan is going to make 2 million dollars this year. If any of us were out maniacally rear-ending every vehicle we could and trying to commute to work in an ambulance, we would probably be sans employment. Let alone freedom. But no, Lohan lives with her head firmly lodged in her own ass (sorry, it's DListed - "culo") and tells the law to eat her snatch on a continual basis and still gets paid.

This is the reason that kid abandoned society and traveled through the country and finally starved beside a bus in the wilderness. That was still a better alternative than trying to make it in a world where pinheads like Lohan are successful.

TMZ added up all the money she's going to make from various projects this year, and yep - she's a millionaire. Witness:

-- Playboy (December issue but she was paid in 2012) $1 Million

-- "Scary Movie" (Lindsay is about to sign on) -- $200,000

That isn't counting all of her alleged endorsement deals. Wear our jeans and you too can be a pathologically lie-telling cokehead who can't drive.

Take heart in the fact that she probably owes her dealer a huge sum for all the yay he gave her on IOU, and her insurance deductibles must be through the damn roof with the way she operates motor vehicles. Headless people drive better.

Dina Lohan should really open up some sort of school wherein she teaches asshole children that they can be assholes and still get paid. #getmoneydespitebeingadickheadbitch

Check out more pics of Lohan on the set of The Canyons in the gallery below.

OctoMom got off welfare the old-fashioned way (aka shriveling retinas by sucking off a huge baby bottle during her strip show debut) and now she's trying to get money the other old-fashioned way: by begging for it.

TMZ says that Octo will be kicked out of her house of baby screeches and overstuffed Pampers any day now and she needs money for a down payment on another house to raise her child army in. So Octo's holding up her empty change cup by posting a donation page on GoFundMe.com (more like GoBlowMe.com) and asking her "fans" for $150,000.

As of this morning, Octo is so close to meeting her goal and by that I mean she's 1% there after two days! I know, don't everybody throw your dollars at Octo's donation page at the same time or the Internet might break from the sheer weight of money in her PayPal account. Karen the Bus Monitor, who? In all seriousness, why aren't whores dumping all of their lube fund money into Octo's online begging purse for making Tumblr a sexier place thanks to GIF after GIF of her twisting her eyes while twisting her octoclit. (Warning: Do not search for those GIFs unless you want to make your keyboard a barfier place).

TMZ also says that Octo is still going to do her side jobs in case she doesn't get that $150k for free and that brings up another question. Octo has at least 150 kids and each one of those 150 kids probably has good credit and their own social security number, so why hasn't she taken a loan in all of their names?

What is the point of having ten million children if you don't commit identity theft against them by taking  out loans in their names?!

Ryan Seacrest is having himself a midget boy pout party right now, because FOX had to cut his high heels and highlights budget now that they're slipping over $12 million into Mimi's pink diamond-encrusted Lisa Frank fanny pack to replace JLo on American Idol next season. The good news for fans of foolery was announced at the TV Critics Association Summer Press tour in Beverly Hills as a herd of lambs let out thousands of heart-shaped queefs of happiness. Mimi wasn't at the Summer Press tour today, but while lounging in a Hello Kitty bathtub, she called in and said in so many words that she can't wait to deposit that check into her account. via TVLine:

“I am so excited to be joining Idol. I wanted to be there today and I wish I could have been there myself to tell you. I can’t wait to get started in a couple months.”

Nothing can replace Paula Abdul barfing up jumbled critiques while trying to keep herself from coughing up pieces of Vicodin pills, but Mimi will come close to topping that crazy. I can't believe I'm typing this in the year 2012, but I'm actually looking forward to watching American Idol next season. There's something wrong there. Now FOX just needs to get Aretha Franklin, so we can all bow down to the three queens (Mimi, Aretha and Gaycrest) of primetime shit shows.

Sucio bitches who saved up wads of dollars bills to rub against OctoMom's c-section scar during her stripper debut at T's Club in Florida made a sad in their pants after she canceled that shit due to the club's employees throwing shade at her during an interview with a local news station. But because the rent is always due, you can't buy collagen injections with an EBT card and 14 screaming kids are always hungry, OctoMom re-booked at a different club in Florida. Octo made her stripper debut at Playhouse Gentlemen's Club in Hallandale, FL this past Friday night and I can't believe people didn't make it rain unused Pampers on her ass instead of making it rain dollar bills.

TMZ says that the fap porn superstar dropped her ass, did the #imbirthingmoney move (see picture above) and even gave a half-assed lap dance to a lady on stage. Octo made sperm counts instantly drop when she licked a lollipop as a sexy school girl and spanked herself while stripping to RiRi's S&M. Octo spanking herself is seriously some Fifty Shades of NO shit.

TMZ has more pictures if you that's what you need today and every single picture serves as a very important warning. If you get a back alley doctor to stuff your baby making area with two handfuls of embryos, you might give birth to your own personal child army. Then in to support that child army, you'll have to awkwardly work the pole at a Florida strip club while wearing the ugliest shoes I've ever seen. I'm all for Octo getting money, bitch, but I'm not for Octo doing it while wearing some "Minnie Mouse working the discount section of the ho stroll" shoes.

No one ever said that Friday the 13th brings good news. Well, at least you know that an adorable kitteh's "Can you warn me the next time you blow out an upwind queef?" face is the same as your "These bitches made how much?" face.

This is the point in your week when you curse at your 10-year-old self for not putting a melody to the entries you wrote in your Poochie Funtime Diary about cute boys, icky boys, beautiful princesses, fairytale kingdoms, Kanye West and heroin (that's what "White Horse" is really about, right?). The professional list makers at Forbes put together another one of their lists and this one lists the celebwhores under the age of 30 who filled their checking account with the most gold bars from May 2011 to May 2012. The list is 70% female (including The Lesbeaver), 30% Twatlight and depending on who you ask, it's 60% to 90% HUH? Here's the full list:

1. Taylor Squint, 22 - $57 million
2. The Lesbeaver, 18 - $55 million
3. RiRi, 24 - $53 million
4. Lady CaCa, 26 - $52 million
5. Katy Perry, 27 - $45 million
6. Adele, 24 - $35 million
7. Kristen Stewart, 22 - $34.5 million
8. Lil Wayne, 29 - $27 million
9. Taylor Lautner, 20 - $26.5 million
9. RPattz, 26 - $26.5 million

Never mind the other overpaid whores on the list, I can't fully hate on the Strawberry Shortcake character that is Taylor Swift for making more money than 1,400+ school teachers combined, because she made some of that money by shitting on John Mayer's depressed David Duke dick. Taylor gets points for that one.

Here's 3 of the 10 highest youngins being herpy and derpy at Comic-Con yesterday. With all that money, RPattz should be wearing something nicer than a shirt from Miller's Outpost circa 1989.

Twilight fanfic writer turned New York Times best-selling author E.L. James is orgasming with her entire body weekly and it's not from reading her own book, that's for fucking sure. It's from reading her bank statement. As each week goes by, E.L. becomes a million dollars richer and she owes it all such beautiful poetry like this:

“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?” Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly. “No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.” My mouth drops open. Fuck hard! Holy shit, that sounds so… hot. But why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified. “You want to play on your Xbox?” I ask. He laughs, loudly. “No, Anastasia, no Xbox, no Playstation. Come."

And:

“Christian, you had me at the meadow.”

Celebrity Net Worth (via EW) says that thanks to those exquisite words and millions of horny housewives not knowing about something called free online porn have helped E.L. sell over 20 million copies worldwide. E.L. takes 7% of every $14 paperback sold and another 25% of every $10 ebook downloaded. So they crunched those numbers together and figured out that this September she'll get a $20 million check from her publisher.

As I said before, I tried reading that mess and quickly realized that a better use for my fingers is to press play on hardcore online porn instead of turning the pages of that wreck. That shit is about as erotic as a dominatrix Rosie O'Donnell. But you know, E.L. got my money (because I'm a dumb sheeeeeeple) and so I guess she wins. Seriously, I should get beat for spending my money on that shit. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to open up my dusty Microsoft Word and write a trilogy about a society of spark vamps who have to beat the safe word out of each other in their capitol's annual Bondage Games.

GOOD NEWS! Our prayers have been answered and we no longer have to worry about Gabriel Aubry ruining her beautiful Adonis-like face by getting a wrinkle from doing actual work. Ever since March, Gabriel has been trying to convince a judge to order Halle Berry to pay him at least $15,000 a month in child support even though he doesn't have full custody of their daughter Nahla. Yesterday in court, Gabriel flashed his nipple-burning smile and asked the judge if a beautiful face like his deserves to lie on a cheap Serta mattress in a $2,000 a month condo in Burbank? CASE CLOSED! Judgement for the gorgeous, humanized David with luscious Disney prince hair.

TMZ says that the judge is making Halle drop $20,000 into Gabriel's perfectly manicured paws every single month. Gabriel's lawyers argued that when Nahla comes to visit him, she should be swathed in the same kind of luxury she's swathed in when she's at Halle's house. Don't worry, Halle and Gabriel haven't finished barking in each other's pretty faces, because she's still trying to move Nahla to France. So there's that.

Now Gabriel can rent a fancy house, get fancy furniture, buy fancy sheets and stock his fancy refrigerator with fancy food so Nahla feels at home. And I'm sure Gabriel will really make Nahla feel at home by playing a recording on his Bose surround sound system of Halle screaming "YOUR FATHER IS A FUCKWAD ASSHOLE! I HATE HIM!" over and over again. A Bose surround sound system bought with that $20,000, thankyouverymuch.

The face you just made after reading that headline had more raw emotions and layers of expression in it than the same sedated face Kristen Stewart makes in every frame of every movie she's in and bitch is still making more money than all of us combined. Forbes put out their annual rich white women in Hollywood list and KStew leads that shit with $34.5 million. That's like $1 for every blink she makes in that Twatlight mess. Yeah, fuck all of our lives.

To come up with their list, Forbes added up what each actress made in upfront pay, profit participation, residuals, endorsements and advertising work. Since Twihards throw $100 bills at KStew every time their coochies twitch while watching her kiss on RPattz, it's no surprise that bitch is cutting her weed with white gold flakes. But beyond KStew, most of Forbes' list is a long skid mark of unflavored vom. It's a mess. Cameron Diaz? Sarah Jessica Parker? Those two should be on Forbes' Middlest-Paid list (or a list of Hollywood actresses who can eat your innocent dreams with their faces), not Forbes' Highest-Paid list. The entire list is below and if it helps, just block out the word "million" and pretend Cammy made $34 total last year.

10. Jennifer Aniston - $12 million
9. Kristen Wiig - $12 million
8. Meryl Streep - $12 million
7. SJP - $15 million
6. Julia Roberts - $16 million
5. Charlize Theron - $18 million
4. Angie Jolie - $20 million
3. Sandra Bullock - $25 million
2. Cameron Diaz - $34 million
1. KStew - $34.5 million

It's depressing that KStew makes almost three times as much as Meryl Streep. If you ripped off one of Meryl's toe corns, put a brown wig on it and pushed it in front of a camera, it would exude more real emotions than KStew does. But I can't fully hate on that mouth breather. Bitch gets paid millions upon millions of dollars to hot box in her trailer for hours and drool out a few written lines in front of a camera before going back to her trailer to hot box some more. Lip bite all the way to the bank, bitch.