#getmoneybitch

Why anyone would want to party with Lindsay Lohan, let alone pay for it, is beyond me. Bitch will drink your entire supply of booze, snatch your wallet, clog up all the toilets and say goodbye by punching you in the face. Bitch kills a party faster than an angry drunk abuelita with diarrhea. But the third in line to the throne of Brunei did pay Lindsay Lohan to show up to his party in London. Prince Azim could've lured LiLo to his party by leaving a trail of jooree, bottles of Popov vodka and generic Adderall from NYC to London, but I guess he loves wasting money, because he paid her $100,000.

White Oprah tells Huffington Post that LiLo didn't go to London to enter the Celebrity Big Brother house with other A-listers like Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt and (insert the name of a bunch of British never-wases here).  LiLo went to London, because the Prince of Brunei dialed up Rent-A-Mess and summoned her there. Just like Mariah Carey and Raquel Welch before her, Lindsay Lohan was paid a shit load of money and had all her expenses taken care of by Prince Azim. Some source tells the NYDN that Prince Azim loves renting celebrities for his parties and since LiLo is hard up for a dollar, she took that check. For some reason the NYDN asked Michael Lohan about LiLo getting paid to party and he opened up his corroded pie hole to queef this out: “Now she’s getting paid for dates?” and Michael Lohan went on to say, "...and since I'm her co-pimp, bitch better have my cut." 

Some people are laughing at LiLo's newest act of desperation, but in all seriousness I think it's a smart move. Lindsay Lohan got paid to be Lindsay Lohan. Prince Azim sat on this throne and clapped all gleefully as LiLo slapped his guests, deep-throated several bottles of Grey Goose, ran over a baby, made the bartender empty out the cash register and then gave the prince a half-assed hand job while re-tweeting a Winston Churchill quote. Bitch does that for free every single night, so I can't hate on her for getting paid for it. That should be LiLo's new career. Clowns and mariachi bands are out! If you want to make your next party a memorable experience, hire a cracked out jester.

Here's LiLo showing off her new lips while waltzing into a restaurant in London the other night.

Oh football, you disappoint us all. There you were - perfectly poised to pop Jennifer Lopez right in her smug face, something most of us can only dream of, and you just let her stop you?? Just like that?? That's it football, we are FINISHED forever professionally. You disgust me. I hope someone kicked you hard for that.

So JLo and her son Casper Smart were at something called the Gasolina Celebrity Football Match in Puerto Rico and as much as it pains me to admit it, Jennifer is showing some skill instead of looking like a complete fool. Casper on the other hand can't help it.

The pictures in the gallery capture truly beautiful moments, such as apocalyptic fart, slow Kojak, and AW MOM. I can't believe these two are still together. Take notes Demi, the way to keep the way younger man is to make sure he's a broke ass bitch that can never, ever leave your AmEx black card you. I would suggest that unlike Jennifer though, you find one worth keeping first.

Gold diggers of the world, you now have a new icon to pay tribute to. Janice Dickinson is proving that you can never be too insane or plastic faced to catch a rich ass husband. Take note, Lindsay Lohan. The world's first supermodel (the world being the bubble of craziness she lives in) tells TooFab that sometime next spring, she will become somebody's wife for the fourth time and will become a doctor's wife for the first time. Janice's piece of a few months Dr. Robert Gerner, who has a cautious look on his face like he's always prepared to be slapped with a silicone titty bag by a crazed banshee, gave her a diamond Victorian promise ring and he will give her a real engagement ring sometime soon.

Janice and Dr. Robert's love started blooming a few months ago when they met on a blind date at Chateau Marmont. Janice said she knew right away that he's the one whose life she wants to ruin and went on to say that "he's the ying to my yang." Janice and Dr. Robert recently bought a Hollywood Hills home together and they're throwing a housewarming/engagement party this weekend. They've invited Kunty Karl (no joke), Donatella Versace (no joke), Sandra Bullock (no joke) and Slash (he'll probably show up).

You're probably assuming that Dr. Robert is a plastic surgeon, because he obviously appreciates a non biodegradable goddess who has been shellacked a thousand times over, but you're wrong. The punchline is that Dr. Robert is a psychiatrist. I know, it's almost as if Dr. Robert is an undercover agent for The Los Angeles County Department Of Mental Health and was hired to lure Janice Dickinson to their "new love nest in the Hollywood Hills" (aka Cedars Sinai Psychiatry Department). It's a set up! Run, Janice, ruuuuuuuun (but not before you grab Dr. Robert's empty prescription pad and all his samples of Xanax).

(Pic via Flickr)

Brad Pitt is no longer the only millionaire hobo hawking bottles of stank on the stroll, because E! News says that Dior is putting $12 million in Robert Pattinson's Styrofoam donation cup for his services as the new face of their men's fragrances. RPattz, seen here at an event sponsored by Gucci (TRAITOR!), will put his face on Dior Homme ads for the next three years. $12 million is too much money, but I'm sure Dior will make it all back. They're just assuming that all the crazed, horny Twihards will storm Macy's and buy every bottle of that crap. Then they'll attach their vaginas to an IV drip full of Dior Homme cologne, so their coochies are always gargling with the essence of RPattz.

E! didn't really have that many details, but some source tells them that RPattz "likes the brand." More like RPattz likes the MONAAAAAAAAAAY.

We should all be grateful that we're living in a time when two people (read: KStew and RPattz) who probably smell like butt gravy and tonsil stones are getting millions of dollars to sell perfume. But seriously, everyone is always making jokes about how RPattz probably hasn't stood under a shower head in years, but I bet he has. I bet he showers daily and I bet afterward he covers his skin with pit cheese imported from France and makes his team of hired homeless men fart all over his body, so he always smells like he just woke up from a 10-hour nap in a Port-A-Potty. It takes a lot of time and money to look that dirty.

When some hos made fun of Lady GaGa for gaining a couple of layers of chunk on her body, she started a movement for Not-So-Little Monsters to embrace themselves, or something like that, and now she's really stretching this shit out for maximum attention by selling her own bottle of water. Some source tells the NYDN that while CaCa is dropping the chunk from her body, she wants to add some chunk to her bank account. The Haus of GaGa is currently working on a design for a bottle of "healthy drinking water" that will launch any day now. The source said this:

“Gaga has been at the center of a lot of attention over her weight increase. Losing her weight in such a short time and launching a healthy water drink may be part of a plan. Everyone at Gaga HQ is keeping very tight-lipped. There are plans being prepared for marketing strategies. We know that the water drink is due out in the near future. No one has seen prototypes of the bottle. Gaga water is something that has been in the pipeline for a few months, and now things are really gearing up to an announcement and high-profile launch.”

FINALLY, I'll get to buy a bottle of healthy drinking water (as opposed to unhealthy drinkable water), because I'm so sick of putting my mouth under the faucet to drink healthy drinking water for free. I really want to pay for something I can get for free. Thank God for CaCa.

CaCa's water will be extra special, though. It will have a slight taste of hydrangeas and the bottle will come pre-lubed so you can stick it in your mouth OR you can use it as a butt enema. It's totally going to be reductive and I can't wait to gargle my butt out with CaCa's water.

Get your overstuffed ass out to pasture OLD kash kow Kim, there's a new boo in Kris Jenner's life. At least, Kris would love for there to be... a new Honey Boo Boo to be more specific. Just a couple of weeks ago Kris was turning her overly manicured nose up and shame, shame, shame on you-ing at Mama June for her child whoring ways and for being "classless". I'll wait a minute for the laughter to subside.

Now Kris wants to manage Honey Boo Boo. Mmmmhmmm.

So Hollywood Life has the scoop on Kris's amazing turnaround, based solely on her love for children and not at all by the realization that she's thisclose to being ousted by some 7 year old hillbilly beauty pageant princess. And if you can't get richer by pimping your own kids any more, why not get richer by pimping your replacement?? You have to slow clap for Kris's dedication to whoring and her complete lack of dignity and self respect. Bitch is on her game.

At this point, Kris is just extending the hand(cuff) and Mama June hasn't talked to her about it. Please Universe, if this meeting ever does occur, let Mama June have one of her famous gas attacks, and let her burp and fart and laugh in Kris's begging face with a mouthful of half chewed sketti as Honey Boo Boo snaps TWO Z's!!!! And let the cameras capture every delicious second of it. AMEN.

Who do I need to talk to about making this picture the new Great Seal of the United States, because the image of a scooter-driving Mama June and a high heel-wearing Honey Boo Boo Chile leaving a Walmart in Alabama IS America at its most sophisticated.

America's answer to Rousseau, Honey Boo Boo Chile, once eloquently said, "A dolla makes me holla, honey boo boo!", so she probably hasn't stopped hollerin' ever since TLC made it rain all over Mama June's Pillsbury value pack of chins. TMZ says that since Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has become the greatest thing to happen to American television since Footballers Wives started airing on BBC America, the network has tripled the family's salary. Mama June and her merry band of fart bags were making $5,000 to $7,000 an episode, but now they're getting anywhere from $15,000 to $20,000 an episode. The stale food auction better watch out, because Mama June's got a stack of hundreds shoved into her chin cleavage and she's ready to buy ALL the day old cupcakes.

A source tells TMZ that money isn't changing Mama June, because she turned down TLC when they offered to get her a bigger, better and more secure house. Mama June doesn't want to move, because why would you leave a house that is right next door to a gas station that sells jars of cheese balls and Hot Fries all the time? That's like a dirty slut living next to a glory hole. It's like living at the end of a rainbow. Mama June also wants to stay, because she loves her neighborhood and loves bringing the holidays to their lives by splattering Christmas decorations all over her front yard.

The source also says that Mama June has tongue farted at offer after offer from agents who say they can make her even more money in appearances, because she doesn't want to be away from her family.

Thanks to Pimp Mama Kris pushing her child whores on the ho stroll every chance she gets, we sometimes forget that there's some mothers on reality TV who don't completely whore their kids out for a fast check. Thank Jaysus for this, because my soul would fart itself into a puddle of sadness if Mama June got too fancy. I don't ever want to see Mama June eating extra fancy Prego sauce instead of sketti sauce and I really don't want to see her foot gnats feeding on caviar instead of her toe gunk. That would be worse than the time Roseanne won the lottery. Never change, Mama June, never change.

When whatever is left of your purse line is sitting under a layer of dust in a cardboard box on the top shelf in the stock room of a Filene's Basement in Rockland, Maryland, it's time to pay for your Brazilian blowout bills by opening your mouth about the time you opened your mouth on the Commander-in-peen.

Monica Lewisnky's immunity deal stopped her from barfing out all the details of her time with Bill Clinton's peen, but that agreement expired over 10 years ago and so she's been quietly trying to find out how much money she can get for a tell-all. The National Enquirer (via Radar) says that when Monica asked,"How big of a check can I get for writing my memoirs, which I'm going to title either 'A Million Little Cum Stains On My Blue Dress' or 'Tuesdays with Whorrie'", one publisher apparently told her she can get up to $12 million. So suddenly the world calling you Humidor Crotch doesn't seem that bad. Some source put it like this:

"Monica has tried to move forward, but the nightmare of her affair with Bill still haunts her. She’s facing 40 without a man in her life, and seething about the way her reputation was destroyed as the whole world watched.

Monica wrote the letters on her computer. In them, she opened her heart about her love for Bill and how much happier she could make him than Hillary. Some of what she wrote was so raw that she never sent them.

With Bill’s history of heart problems, her book could be more than just revenge, it could kill him! For years, Monica tried to protect Bill out of a misplaced sense of loyalty, but she no longer feels that way, and her memoir is his worst nightmare.

After testing the waters through publishing contacts, Monica learned she could get $12 million if she recount­ed every juicy detail of the scandal."

I've always wondered why Monica Lewinsky hasn't written a tell-all for millions of dollars. My guess was that she wanted to respect Bill and wanted to distance herself from the whole mess. But fuck that slut Bill with a cigar and fuck distance. How many of us can say that 15 years after we sucked some peen, someone offered us 12 million dollars to talk about sucking said peen? The only thing I've gotten for sucking some peen is a waiting list appointment at the free clinic and an indistinguishable sore. Monica's got the Midas tongue and she's my new American hero.

And to promote her tell-all, Monica should do a cover of this classic masterpiece.

This is coming from Michael Lohan, so take it with a grain of salt. And yes, that grain of salt is actually coke, so snort it up. At least you're getting something out of this.

So the charbroiled turtle known as Michael Lohan tells Radar that Dr. Phil's show put a total of zero dollars in his hands to talk about what a mess Lindsay Lohan's mom is, and he claims that she was paid $50,000. This does make some sense, because White Oprah was sitting there like a strung out patient rocking back and forth, spewing nonsense and just waiting for the doctor to write her a prescription so she can grab it and run to the pharmacy like it's pay day. Everything about her in that interview said: "I love drugs and I need this check to buy more!" Michael put it like this:

"I got absolutely NOTHING. It’s the first question Dr. Phil asked me but they cut that out. Dina DID get $50,000 and that’s why they were pissed that she didn’t give them the interview they wanted.

[She'll spend it by] having another party. And telling the kids (mostly Lindsay) that she’s broke.”

Bitch, please, like Dr. Phil was pissed. As soon as the interview ended, White Oprah stumbled out of there, crawled down the hallway, found his dressing room and searched his make-up drawers for an empty prescription pad before passing out in a pile of his stache brushes. While she was doing that, Dr. Phil jumped on his chair and wheeeeeeeee-ed his chonies off, because if anybody loves a train falling off the rails and crashing, it's him! Dr. Phil knew that White Oprah falling to the bottom would make his show rise to the top.

If Dr. Phil didn't pay her, he should, because she gave him some Jessica Lange in Blue Sky meets Neely O'Hara. Bitches win Oscars for that shit!

Bitch is so rich that her nipples are made of diamonds!

Mushu the Dragon's twin sister separated at the plastic surgeon's table will take her tossed salad and scrambled eggs with a side of Beluga caviar and liquid gold foam from now on, thankyouverymuch. Because TMZ says that all three of the mansions Kelsey and Camille Grammer bought while they were married together are on the market and when they're all sold, she'll get half of that money. Camille's half will total around $30 million. TMZ's source says that Camille is pretty much the Steve Jobs of gold diggers, because when she met Kelsey, he had snorted most of his Cheers and Frasier money up his nose. Camille became the CFO of Kelsey's life and took whatever money he had left and turned it into a mountain of millions.

I kind of find it hard to believe that Kelsey couldn't even cough out a dime when he met Camille, but I'm still going to choose to believe it and I'm also going to say that she deserves $30 million and then some. Camille has IBS, so not only did she have to deal with her own shit (literally), but she had to deal with Kelsey's shit too. If it wasn't for Camille, Kelsey wouldn't be doing the backstroke in a pool of hundred dollar bills and if Kelsey wasn't doing the backstroke in a pool of hundred dollar bills, his newest gold digging wife wouldn't be licking on his taint. So when Kelsey's gold digging wife finishes licking on his taint for spending money, she can lick on Camille's next!