Michael Lohan was arrested last month after his then girlfriend Kate Major told police that he tossed her out of a chair, kick ball changed her in the face and threatened to murder her. It's what most of us call TheWayMichaelLohanDealsWithShitShuffle. At the time, Kate took out a restraining order against LiLo's ex-father, because she was afraid he would follow up on his threats.
Michael and Kate were face-to-face again in court this morning for his arraignment. Instead of begging the judge to send Michael Lohan to death row forever (not an unreasonable request), Kate asked the court to drop all the charges and cancel the restraining order she has against him. Radar reports that the judge honored Kate's request and killed both the charges and the restraining order. But the judge told Kate that the charges against Michael Lohan could be re-filed if he gets busted again within six months.
Kate sort of explained to Radar outside of the court house why she wanted all the charges to go away, "I have personal reasons as to why I dropped the charges. I'm fine with the outcome and just want to move on with my life. I don't want anymore negativity in my life, but I wish Michael all the best in the future."
We know that Michael didn't pay Kate off since his checking account is as empty as the room in White Oprah's head marked "Voice of Reason." Whatever Kate's personal reason is, it's still not good enough.
Michael looks like that puss-filled crusted over zit on your face that just won't go away. You pop it with a hot needle and it still fills back up to torture you some more. You beat it with the fattest dildo in your panty drawer and it still lives. You even spread some Velveeta over it so a hongray rat can chew it off, but he quickly gets tired and crawls back home.
So Kate possibly had the power to erase the world of that giant zit for a while and she didn't take it?! That's illegal in itself!
Jackie Collins is going to choke a bitch out when she finds out that her favorite writin' slippers are now on the perfectly manicured precious feet of Kourtney Kardashian's baby daddy Scott Di(the "s" is silen)sick. Here's Kourtney and Scott sashaying through NYC yesterday while forcing leopards everywhere to take a bottle of Miss Clairol to their fur.
If Scott is trying to look like a wheezy old queen (Thank you, Alec Baldwin) from Palm Beach who only takes off his leopard slippers so that his hairless South American pool boy can polish his toe nails with one hand while massaging coconut oil into his balls with the other, he's doing it all wrong! Wheezy old queens don't shirts like that! Get yourself a white linen embroidered tunic, Scott! Fuck!
Foxy Brown was arrested last week for violating an order of protection by cursing out her neighbor and then flashing her used and abused nalgas. Well, the police need to pay Foxy a second visit for terrorizing retinas at B.B. King's Blues Club in NYC last night! The only thing this hotrocious outfit is missing is a pair of handcuffs, because this mess has to be illegal. Somebody needs to citizen arrest this bitch!
First of all, I'm mad at Foxy for looking like a ground beef empanada that has been microwaved too long, because now I'm craving Mexican. Second of all, the dried up tamale wrapper she's trying to pass off as a dress is so tight that it knocked two of her molars out. I hope her dental plan covers that. Third of all, Foxy looks like a junkie hooker from The Flinstones who gives handjobs for poppy seeds in the back of the drive-thru (Actually, that sounds kind of hot). Fourth of all, Foxy almost painted a pair of exquisite eyebrows on her face, but then she fucked it up by adding that curl at the end. Now they look like two anorexic slugs trying to escape.
That being said, at least Foxy matched her chonies with her nail polish. When else all fails, make sure your polish and panties go together!
Here's the forever mess Mischa Barton arriving at an airport in Nice, France yesterday looking like SHIT. Well, it's all over her shirt so she's practically advertising it. Mischa is also looking a strung out lot lizard who just found a pair of fancy tap shoes in the dumpster outside of a children's dance school. Mischa brought along a new boyfriend she snatched directly out of the Hipster or Gay tumblr. Seriously, I don't know whether to ask him if he's on Grindr (SPOILER ALERT: The answer is DUH) or hand him a PBR.
Since Mischa needs a check like Mel Gibson needs a blow, she probably went down to the job placement agency and applied to be a professional Renee Zellweger. They dropped this piece in her lap and the rest is history. To be honest, I'm not entirely convinced that dude's no-no stops for peen. Any true gay friend would tell Mischa that she needs to work on her relationship with a hairbrush.
This looks like MC Hammer's old pants, Jessica Simpson's infamous mom jeans and Baby Huey's giant diaper all mutated into one and attached itself to Gwen Stefani's body. The fuck is this?! Unless you're suffering from a violent case of the wet shits and can blow at any moment, those jeans are not the look.
At least Kingston is showing us that someone in that family knows how to put a WTF ensemble together the right way.
A couple of weeks ago, UsWeekly told everyone that the forever pretentious Fishstick Paltrow and the equally pretentious Vadge ended their pretentious friendship and now hate each other with the passion of a million violent bowel movements. The image of Vadge dipping her pen (made from the bones of her victims) in a jar of virgin's blood and crossing Fishy's name off the invitation list for Baby Jesus' bris sponsored by Vita Coco water did lift me up a few times. But sadly, there might not be anymore images like that since it looks like Vadge and Fishy are friendly-ish again.
At a Diane Von Furstenberg event in London last night, Fishy and Vadge looked sort of happy as they posed together for a few pictures. Fishy didn't try to destroy Vadge by reciting a few lines from her latest edition of GOOP in Latin (you know she's fluent), so that means they don't totally want to murder each other.
And I've already used way too many key strokes to barf about Vadge's cheeks, so I will just say that she looked as handsome as a midget piano player in her custom made suit from The Butch Clothing Company. Fishy on the other hand.....BEAT!!! Bitch looks like she just got done with a 250-day fast which involved only licking ice cubes made of purified rain water from the Amazon and never addressing her friends by their nicknames (Nicknames are toxic to Fishy! TOXIC, I tell you!!!!). Although, I think she needs to fast some more because the oily residue from the bullshit in her system is starting to seep out of her pores which is making her look all greasy. Biore that bitch!
Here's more pictures from last night's party including Posh's ridiculous ass and Valentino. Just a warning, you might want to rub SPF: 1,567,998 over your eyeballs before clicking on Valentino's picture, because staring at him will give you melanoma in the retinas.
Following in the off-key notes of Jo De La Rosa (of The Real Housewives of OC), Kim Zolciak (of RHOA), and Countess LuMann (of RHONYC), Danielle Stubbyvag of The Real Housewives of New Jersey is trying to take the iTunes charts by storm. On Bravo's Watch What Happens Live last night, Danielle and openly gayelle singer Lori Michaels sang a duet together.
Based on her nauseating speaking voice, you would think that Danielle's singing voice would make Grandma Wrinkles' queefs sound like the second coming of Celine Dion, but honestly she wasn't that bad compared to LuMann and Kim. However, watching that monster of fugness sing is the real horror show. Bitch looks like Greta Gremlin! If you stare at Danielle long enough, your eyeballs will become as deformed her tits.
The best part of this mess is the fake smile plastered on Andy Cohen's face. The Bravo overlords need to upload a different facial expression onto his hard-drive so the poor thing can show us the pain he's feeling inside from sitting that close to Danielle's face.
After her performance, Danielle tried to make it seem like she's scissoring with Lori. Yes, serve me more plates of bullshit on Kim G's wide ass forehead, Danielle. Please, Danielle isn't a lez. She's a fameasexual. Bitch will lick on anything if it gets her a blurb in Star Magazine.
Every time somebody whispers that JLo and Skeletor are now members of Tommy Girl's Church of Anti-Glibness, she gets her assistants to use both of their hands to pull her ass cheeks apart so that she can fart on that rumor. But I'm not sure if I'm buying JLo's denials anymore, because what are those thought-stealing nodes she wore on her body to the Hope Gala in NYC last night? SCIENTOLOGY PROBES (those two words together makes Tommy Girl drip from all his orifices every time) that's what those are!
But seriously, you might be wondering why (probably not) JLo isn't screaming in pain from those rings digging into her flesh. Eh. JLo stopped feeling pain along time ago. It's obvious since she's the only one who isn't trying to dig out her ear drums with her bare fingers whenever her songs come on. JLo feels no pain.
Here's more of JLo with Skeletor at last night's charity thing along with Selita Ebanks, Matthew McConaughey with Ms. Hair Iz Important, Jill Zarin with Grandma Wrinkles' oil applier, Kathy Griffin and Giant Snooki.
Both Megan Fox and Mickey Rourke have already creamed at the mouth about how much they loved working with each other on the movie Passion Play. Well, Megan was so touched by Mickey that she honored him by getting a tattoo across her ribs.
Megan explains to MTV, "Mickey is such a beautiful, wonderful human being. He's so genuine and so sweet and so talented. I just love him to death. I kept telling him that he needs to have kids, because I think he's going to be an amazing dad. I hope he does that soon. actually got a tattoo that is sort of in honor of him. It's on my ribs. I don't know if it's been photographed yet, but it'll come out eventually, I'm sure. I just love him very much and think he's very special."
No, the tattoo is not of a popped hemorrhoid with eyes. It's the Nietzsche quote: "Those who danced were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." We hear the music and we still think you're insane, bitch. For the record.
But seriously, in a coffin somewhere Nietzsche's skeleton is smiling, because he was always told as a young man that one day one of his quotes would be important enough to be etched into the body of a ho who would probably be working the morning shift at a Hooters in Tennessee if Michael Bay wasn't a horny douchebag. And that day has finally come! Nietzsche, you've finally made it!
And I give Megan's tattoo 4 out of 5 Sad Lokis:
This hair is only okay if you're a middle-aged Southern divorcee circa 1988 who has the largest collection of Lilly Pulitzer dresses in her circle, drives a Mary Kay pink Cadillac and takes interior design classes at the local community college. Or if you're a character on Designing Women. It is not okay if you're Katherine Heigl and the year is 2010.
I mean, did my mom's hairdresser from Mastercuts travel all the way to present-day London from the 80s to do Hagel's hair for The Killers premiere tonight? That hair is giving Anthony Bouvier the vapors in a bad way. It's the worst Julia Sugarbaker impersonation of all-time!
Obviously, that hairspray fuggery is the result of pissing off the wrong gay hairdresser. This was not made with glitter-laced love. The person responsible for this was mess was gritting his teeth the entire time while trying his hardest to not stab her in the arm. Those harsh curls were born from him almost biting his tongue off while working the iron. How dreadful.
Julia Sugarbaker is judging Hagel hard for this:
Yes, that is Julia Sugarbaker's "I'm judging you" face. She's an elegant Southern belle, so she hides it well.