Well, here's one way to get your picture in The Daily Mail. Marc Jacobs left Louis Vuitton - Marc Jacobs: The Exhibition in Paris last night with leather daddy Peter Marino and bitch looked like if Sweet Valley High crashed into a drag queen's Thanksgiving party. This is what it would look like if there was a J.Crew, a Liberace boutique and a Plymouth (Crack) Rock shop on the Mayflower and I don't like it. Sometimes you just have to look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Do I look like a second grade girl circa 1981 who totally half-assed it for the Thanksgiving pageant?" If the answer is yes, have a seat on one of the orange plastic chairs until your legal guardian shows up to take your busted ass home.
That being said, if Suri Cruise wore this mess, I'd probably declare it the greatest outfit of our time.
Since Kanye West is an honorary Kardashian and regularly gets the Louis Vuitton logo henna tattooed on his ass lips next to the other K girls, his sister Kim Kardashian wore his $6,000 beaded shit shoes to his fashion show in Paree last night. I didn't think it was possible for those shoes to reach a new level of disgusting, but I stand corrected. The only way to make those Kanye shoes more fugilicious is to put a soulless, dead wild animal in them. I'm talking about Kim, not the poor piece of roadkill she's wearing.
CROCs and Uggs have some company on the shelf in the DSW franchise located on the ninth circle in HELL! Kanye West keeps trying to be the greatest gift to fashion since the dildo dress and so he designed these dried jizz ball shoes with Giuseppe Zanotti last year. You'd think that fugly shoes like this would immediately be confiscated by the government, sent to torture camps and used by security guards to punish the inmates by making them wear these things while looking in a foot mirror. But no, anybody can buy them now.
Colette in Paris started selling these Kanye shoes and for just $5,887 you too can look like a bushel of anal beads just blew up all over your feet. Yes, SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS! I wake up every morning hoping that someone busts a pearl necklace on my feet, but I don't want to pay $6,000 to get it. If you do, then why don't you just pay me $3,000 to down a cup of bubble tea before barfing all over your feet. It'll look the same and probably be less painful for you.
That top part looks like someone's beaded bowel movement. Dr. Oz would say that someone is extremely healthy since their shits are banana-shaped, but there's nothing healthy about putting that shit on your feet.
At last night's premiere of Wanderlust at the Village Theater in Westwood, dozens of people finally had the answer to the question, "I wonder what it look like if a fugly pink prom gown from the 80s barfed all over one of Tootsie's good dresses?" when Malin Akerman showed up wearing this mess. (In my best Tim Gunn voice) This is just TOO much dress.
If Malin cut those sleeves off (they kind of look like satin intestines) with Jennifer Aniston's chin, she would've looked fine. Hell, if she cut off the dress and only wore the sleeves with those shoes, she would've looked fine too. That fugness looks even worse when Malin's standing next to Jennifer Aniston. They look like they both got really good deals at the Big Business costume sale and they're too happy about it. Here's a fashion tip: If Bette Midler and/or Lily Tomlin would've worn it in Big Business, strip it off your body and try again. Trying to top Bette and Lily is an impossible act.
When Jennifer's posing on her own, though, her dress doesn't look that awful. It not the usual little black shit she wears and it's drawing our eyes to her womb. If you stare at Jen's magic eye dress long enough, you can almost see a fetus with a widow's peak wearing an "Eff Off Maddox" onesie. So, well played, Aniston.
Here's some other hos at last night's premiere including Paul Rudd and Justin Theroux. Justin and Jennifer stayed away from each other on the red carpet, but at least she didn't make his ass wait in the car this time.
Blue Ivy Carter's face twin, Ashanti, has to take what she can get, so when she sees a discarded, extra-long mattress on a darkened street, she has to get on top of it and pose, pose, pose! I get it. But what I do not get is the race car track over her chocha, the 5 o'clock shadow on her pits (I say whack it or let it grow wild), the eyelashes that look like a mini version of Mickey's fan weave in B*A*P*S, the braid band and everything else. Bitch looks like if Cherry from Punky Brewster traveled into the apocalyptic future to work at a Nascar-themed strip club. I should not look at you and have the sudden urge to run a Micro Machine over your crotch. Ashatni needs to ASTOPni!
Someone who doesn't know my ass very well asked me who I thought was the best dressed last night and and my answer was and will always be: WHO CARES! Picking out a pretty dress is easy! It's so easy a MiserAlba can do it. The men and women who really deserves some attention (and heavy amounts of extra chunky shade) are the ones who rolled into a truly busted outfit and bravely smiled through the fugness in front of all the cameras. Because it takes a lot of work to look that fucked up and we should give them the recognition they deserve. So here's my favorite messes from last night in no particular order.
Piper Perabo - The car cover for my mom's old Buick got a second chance at life when Piper used it to make a ball gown that Cinderella would've worn if her Fairy Godmother was a pervert who just wanted to see her nipples. If you were walking through the woods and heard the voice of crazy calling at you from above, and you looked up to find a nekkid ass Sharon Stone caught in a parachute stuck in the trees, she would look just like Piper Perabo. Piper's dress told me that yes, she does acid. And Piper's curious poses told me that yes, she does acid AND Ecstasy.
Melanie Griffith - Okay, Melanie's dress was totally normal, but the scene she gave on the red carpet was a totally different story. The way Antonio Banderas held her up and dragged her across the carpet... The way she kept those sunglasses on.... I really thought it was a Weekend at Bernie's situation until I realized that Melanie probably got a quick glance at Piper's posing and was knocked back by the DRAMA!
Zooey Deschanel - I shouldn't look at the top of a dress and think that my dog's idea of heaven would be scooting across it. AstroTurf for your titties is not the look.
Sarah Michelle Gellar - The worst ad for MiO Water EVER! I'm not sure I wanted to know what it would look like if I was swimming at the bottom of a pond in Smurf Village and looked up just as all the Smurfs started to piss into the water. That being said, I want that dress as my next screensaver.
Lea Michele - We're living in a world where Lea Michele is Beyonce in her own head and we're also living in a world where nobody told her that she looked like a mermaid linebacker from Chernobyl.
Amanda Peet - The good news is that her 1-year-old daughter now has a cribskirt for almost every day of the week.
Jessica Chastain - I KNOW! I can already hear it. Everybody thought Jessica Chastain was the epitome of perfection and is what would grace your eyes if you looked at an angel's pearl necklace under a microscope. But I just looked at Jessica Chastain and saw a really bad Swoosie Kurtz circa 1989 impersonation.
I will say, though, that Jessica is someone you want in her life. When Giuliana Rancic was interviewing Jessica on E!, she loved everything. Jessica said she LOVED Giuliana, was such a fan and has also been dreaming of coming to the Golden Globes ever since she was a little girl. Yes, Jessica is one of those people who loves everything. So she's definitely the person you want to tell when you've just found out you have Gonorrhea. You'd be like, "Jessica, I just got back from the doctor and he told me that being a bareback slut finally caught up with me and I have Gonorrhea now." Jessica would keep a smile on her face and be like, "Gonorrhea?! That's my favorite STD! I love gonorrhea! I'm a huge fan. I'm so happy for you!"
If the Oscars are the main party, the Golden Globes are the pre-party and that means the People's Choice Awards are the keg party in the parking lot before the pre-party. The drinks are served in red Solo cups, the dessert is store bought peach cobbler served in the red Solo cup your drink was in and hos who can't get into the main party are settling in the back of a pick-up for the night. It's a mess, basically. So hos who are going to the Oscars and GGs usually save their best dresses for those shows and wear something from the reject pile to the People's Choice Awards. Case in point: Jennifer Lawrence who led the parade of retina-burning fuggotry last night.
Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to be the hottest shit on the scene right now, so I'm assuming she's got a glam team (or "barf team" to those of us who don't have glam teams) and not one of them stood back while thinking to themselves, "We made this poor bitch look like a fish trapped in a net during a storm." Don't get me wrong, fishnet IS the fabric of our lives, but I shouldn't be looking at this picture and waiting for the late Captain Phil Harris to snatch her up and throw her onto a stainless steel table for sorting. This Sea of Fug look might've worked if they dropped a Gorton's Fisherman hat on her head or gave her a boat necklace or something. But they didn't and so Jennifer Lawrence was a category 5 mess last night.
And here's a few more from last night's The People Should Not Choose Since They Named Lea Michele Best TV Comedy Actress Awards: JL with Liam Hemsworth, Matt Boner, Mop Head, Whitney Cummings (who was creative enough to act out her last name with her face), Miley Cyrus with Liam Hemsworth, Tracey Gold, Ginnifer Goodwin, Ashley Greene, Kathy Griffin, Alyson Hannigan, Hillary Clinton, Vanessa Hudgens, Miss Mexico 1981, Lea Michele, Kelly Osbourne, Ian Somerhalder and Jennifer Morrison (wearing the hanging crochet planter from your grandma's sun room).
Take a moment to bow your heads and mourn the old copies of Sassy Magazine you kept in a Chinese Laundry boot box underneath your bed in your childhood room at your parent's house. Because for some reason, they have crawled all the way to Miami and committed suicide by exploding onto the body of Vanessa Hudgens as she strolled with her piece Austin Butler yesterday afternoon. That crocheted monokini plus those dreadful ass overalls equals a whole lot of NO. Bitch looks like a permanently hungover Spring breaker in Panama City Beach, FL who ran out of booze money and was forced to get a quick job as a house painter. Overalls are only okay if you're still in diapers, building an outdoor deck or making moonshine on a shopping cart grill. Otherwise, just say NOPE.
Vanessa needs to stop thinking she's Vanessa Huxtable. Bitch puts the NO in Lisa Bonet. Oh, don't you miss the old days when pretty pretty princess Zac Efron would pick out Vanessa's outfits, so she wouldn't step out of the house looking like the tragic carcass of fug collapsed on top of her?
In the cafeteria of an Irish retirement home somewhere, a table is missing its cloth...
LeAnn Rimes and high fashion go together like Eddie Cibrian and monogamy, but that didn't stop her from trying to look avant-garde at last night's benefit for The Trevor Project in L.A. last night. LeAnn's jockey needs to lead her back to her stable to feed on a clue, because this look will never be the look on her. LeAnn looks like a parched watercolor pony wearing an oversized cape and those shoes should only be worn by the gothic carriage horses of the evil queen in a Tim Burton movie.
LeAnn wore this green vomit mess for one of three reasons:
1. Thirsty bitch needs more attention and is trying to give birth to pregnancy rumors.
2. LeAnn accidentally swallowed the lime seed she sucks on for dinner and it made her feel like a bloated fat fuck, so she covered up.
3. LeAnn wanted Eddie's pinched eyes to sparkle something extra so she wore his favorite color: the color of cash.
I'm going with #3.
If the fringe curtain that hangs over my cousin's bedroom doorway and the grease-stained old chinoise wallpaper in my grandma's kitchen were used to make a costume for a chorus skater in an Ice Capades version of The World of Suzie Wong, it would look like the mess Blake Lively wore to Gossip Girl's 100 episode party in NYC last night. That shit is made of so much fug that there's no way you could find one ho who would gladly use it to floss her twat. But there's Blake trying to sell that fug dress like a Tijuana child selling a box of chicles.
My favorite part is how Blake's actually doing the "hand on hip, sway back" pose. THIS BITCH would do a basic pose you learn your first day at that piece of amateur shit modeling school John Robert Powers (I can say this as an alumni of JRP's rival school Barbizon). Fall back all the way, Blake, because you ain't doing the pose, the pose is doing you.
And here's a few other messes from last night's party including: Leighton Meester, the most beautiful woman there Chace Crawford, Ed Westwick (who is prune-ing till he makes it), Penn Badgley, Hooker Megan from Melrose Place with Matthew Settle and Michelle Trachtenberg.