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If I could, I would give a heart-shaped box of chocolate* to Kanye Kardashian, or who ever is dressing this ho stroll heffa, because they somehow find a way to make her look fuglier and more ridiculous than the last time they dressed her. They are giving us a priceless gift. Kim Kardashian went to the opening of the first Topshop store in L.A. last night and showed all of us what she looks like when she goes a week without getting a Brazilian wax.

There are many ways to cover a growing fetus dome, but the worst way is to cover it with what looks like a wet dog. This tarred and feathered mess is a disaster. If you glued two horns to her body and put Hush Puppy in front of her, she'd look like one of the Beasts of the Southern Wild. Somebody please call the EPA, because bitch looks like an oil spill and several kinds of creatures are trapped in there.

But again, thank you to the bitch who is responsible for making Kim look a mess. They are doing God's work.

* If you're Kim's stylist and want to collect your heart-shaped box of chocolate, can you wait until tomorrow? All heart-shaped boxes of chocolate will be 75% off at CVS then. 

The good news is that Adele didn't wear another black dress that made her look like an Italian widow from the 1960s. The bad news is that somebody's grandma is doing the slow wall slide while clutching her favorite rosary, because she can't take knowing that her favorite sofa in her "fancy" living room was murdered and butchered and its hide was thrown onto Adele's body. Adele showed up to the Grammys tonight wearing somebody's grandma's couch on her body. I feel like she should be covered in plastic and I bet she smells like Jean Naté and Ovaltine.

If you went to Calico Corners and sifted through the bin with all their clearance fabrics in it, I'd bet you'd find Adele's dressed in there. But I can't fully hate this look, because Adele saved it with that lip liner. When all else fails, save it with the lip liner.

Instead of paying Kanye West in taint licks to make her look like lukewarm shit, Kim Kardashian is paying a stylist in cash to make her look like lukewarm shit. Nicola Formichetti, the creative director of Mugler, told Page Six that he's dressing Kim's Thanksgiving gourd body and he loves it:

“Already she has a different body type than models. I think it’s sexy when the girls have the big ass and the voluminous body. It’s much sexier than skinny girls who are in tight clothes.”

And here's the Kim showing off Nicola's work while leaving her house the other day. It's nice to see that Kim is still the epitome of grace, demureness and sophistication even with her next Life & Style cover growing in her womb.

Never mind the fact that Kim's pants are eating her hooves or the fact that her sheer top is seven types of NO, what is going on with that heffa's face? I guess swelling from pregnancy and massive amounts of Botox don't mix well together. I just want to sit on a park bench and throw pieces of bread at her face, because bitch looks like a duck more than usual. Bitch looks like Magica De Spell and I should slap myself for typing that, because that's offensive to cartoon duck villainesses.

If you threw a bleach-stained B.U.M. Equipment zip-up hoodie, grocery store flip flops, a scrunchie bracelet and a key chain with about 10,000 keys on it (Side note: Why do people in CA carry so many keys? Are all of them wardens at a pirate prison?) on Jennifer Lawrence, you'd have my cousin going to the gas station to buy an Arizona Iced Tea and scratchers. My cousin has even wore lipstick that almost matched her skin color before, because she wanted to look like she wasn't wearing any lipstick. Well, bitch, I hate to break it to you, but the fact that you're wearing lipstick gives away the fact that you're wearing lipstick.

Jennifer Lawrence showed up to the Oscar Nominees Luncheon in L.A. last night and I'm guessing it was a business casual type of event. She ignored the first word in business casual. Jennifer looks like she just got back from the beach where she spent the past 8 hours getting drunk on sun, saltwater and beer. This is a look that says "give me aloe vera and another Coronita." On a positive note, Jennifer Lawrence looks like a twin bed. Her chichis are the pillow, her torso is the lying down part and the bottom of her dress is the skirt. You'd probably have the best power nap on her.

And below are also pictures of Jennifer at The Hollywood Reporter Nominees Night party in Beverly Hills last night. That dress looks like a bedazzled skin infection complete with picked-at scabs and she's got guinea pig hair.

The answer to the question "For why does she look like this?" totally explains why she looks like this. The answer is: her stylist is Rachel "Chupa" Zoe. Case closed!

Here's Australian actress type Isabel Lucas at the opening of a Dior in Sydney tonight. Isabel has been in Home and Away, the second Transformers movie, Immortals, and now you know her as the one who's been in a truly messed up dress/apron thing. I don't even know what that foolery on her body is.

One Christmas, my family opened all of our presents and made a mountain out of all the tore up wrapping paper. Cats always have to make it all about THEM, so the cat jumped into the wrapping paper mountain and got all tangled up in it. Sitting in the middle of that wrapping paper mountain, that cat looked more pulled together than Isabel Lucas did at the opening of that Dior store.

If you chopped Isabel's hair off, put a couple of broken glow sticks in her hands and covered her in body glitter, she'd look like a drunk twink at a pride parade who just woke up after being passed out on a rainbow flag lying on the sidewalk. Actually.....since I put it that way, maybe this is the look after all.

And seriously, I hope this kind of look takes off. Think about all the money we'll save. Just go down to Home Depot, buy some random house flag, strap it to your body with black duct tape and call it good!

The universe already has one David Bowie, and when we needed another David Bowie we were given Tilda Swinton, but we don't need anymore David Bowies. January Jones needs to know this, because almost every time she goes to an award show, she looks like she fell off the side of Bowie's home planet and plummeted through the universe before landing on Earth. January Jones went to the SAG Awards last night and showed up with a hairstyle that was NO in the front, NO in the back and NO on the sides. Just NO all the way around.

To go with her fug hair, January Jones wore an equally as fug dress. I realize that IN THIS ECONOMY you sometimes have to make a SAG Awards gown out of an old French maid costume you wore two Halloweens ago, but the end product was shit. But I will give January Jones points for wearing what looks like a sheer Dickey, because Dickeys need to make a comeback.

And January wasn't the only one with jacked up hair last night. Nicole Kidman looked like a Cocker Spaniel after a blowout, Lea Michele put the final nail in ombre hair's coffin and Alec Baldwin confirmed that the cabinet under his bathroom sink is filled with nothing but boxes of Just For Men hair dye (shade: Autumn Sunrise).

Ever since Miley Cyrus took a Flowbee, electric clippers and a few gallons of peroxide to her hair, semi-famous hos think they can do it too. Case in point: noted Romney supporter Jenna Jameson.

Looking almost more broke down than Brigitte Nielsen making mouth love to a bottle of Popov vodka on a patch of grass in a Studio City park, Jenna Jameson hosted an AVN after-party at Tabu in Las Vegas last night. Jenna came out with a head full of NO. Bitch looks like a plastic snake trying to swallow the head of a cockatoo.

Jenna Jameson used to look like the charbroiled corpse of a wonk-eyed iguana, so the good news is that she doesn't completely look like that anymore. The bad news is that hair. According to my research (aka a three second Google search), Jenna Jameson was one of the first women to ever make a million dollars for sucking and fucking dick on camera. Jenna Jameson is a peen-slurping vanguard! Jenna Jameson is part of history. But yet here she is copying Miley Cyrus? This is the worst mistake Jenna Jameson has made ever this decade this year this month this week in the past 48 hours.

JLo and JLo's team agreed to give People an exclusive interview, because People's the only one who asked and because they thought her cover would take a little shine away from Mimi's debut on American Idol.  But Team JLo's sneaky smiles quickly turned to clenched frowns when they saw the cover. They think the picture makes JLo look like a wretched old hag with hay for hair ("In other words, dahling, her true self?" - Mimi).

JLo's team compared her to Betsey Johnson, which I guess is supposed to be a bad thing? The source tells Page Six that they all think the cover makes her look "old and haggard" and that they called up People to complain about the picture. But Benny Medina tells Page Six that Lance Armstrong must be their source, because it's all a lie. Benny said, "Look at the pictures and read the story! We worked closely with the editors of People and we are very pleased with cover photo and the results all around.”

JLo's team might think this is the worst picture of her ever taken, but I think this is the best picture of her ever taken. JLo's facial expressions usually say "SEXY! SEXY! SEXY!" or ultra bitch, so this is a softer side of her. She almost looks sweet.

She looks like a hyperactive dog who is really happy to see you. When I first saw this cover, I dropped my briefcase and patted my knees while saying, "Come here, JLo! Come here! Come give daddy a kiss! Who's the most beautiful girl in the world? You are, JLo! You are! Now come here, girl!"

I even think JLo missed the Wee-Wee Pad a little, but I don't care. How can I be mad at such an adorable girl?

This is your up-to-the-second update (that you didn't want or ask for) of Kim Kardashian's ever-growing knocked up body. Although, some konspiracy theorists think Kim is Beyonce-ing it and will cover her body with the best baby pillows that Kanye West's money can buy while a surrogate (SPOILER ALERT: Bruce Jenner, the surrogate is Bruce Jenner) carries the Illuminati's golden child. Whatever the case may be, the smog above France has been infested with the stank scent of fishy dick queefs and bronzer and it's all because Kim and Kanye are in Paris right now for some reason.

Don't ask me why they're there, but Kanye is of course using their daily walks down the ho stroll to display some fugged up shit on Kim's body. I don't even know how to explain that thing. Is it a cape barfing up a jacket? Is it a re-worked Snuggie? Is it a Land's End fleece jacket? Is it a fupa-hiding poncho? The only thing I do know is that it's a wreck and Kanye would've looked better in it. Kanye would've worked that cape thing and put the gay in gay Paree by giving everyone a twirlie show.