Fergie

Forget the question. Jacko is a wax figure! Homegirl is at least 80% wax and 20% artificial materials.

Those lips! Wack-O-Wax lips should be renamed Jack-O-Wax lips in his honor. I need to stop hating. Jacko is still the sharpest dressed lady in the business. Liza ain't got nothing on this bitch.

Jacko made a surprise appearance at Christian Audigier's tacky Birthday extravaganza last night. They really should have turned off all the lights before Jacko's ass came onstage. He could have melted!

Other guests at this classy affair included Pamela Anderson, Fuggie Fug and Mena Suvari. What the hell is on Mena's head?! I think I liked her better when she looked like a younger Hillary Clinton. Now she looks like an Ellen Degeneres/Portia de Rossi morph. She needs to dump the weave.

Fuggie Fug performed on "Today" this morning and I'm disgusted that she actually thinks she has the right to butcher Heart's "Barracuda." She's more like a stanky trout than a barracuda. Fuggie first performed the cover on Idols Give Back and it looks like she's making it a regular thing.

It's a good thing she wore those pants. The piss will wash off easier. She also continued to do one-handed cartwheels during her performance. She probably does one every time she feels the piss coming out. The cartwheel pushes the piss back in.

If she performs Barracuda one more time, I'm going to track her down using her natural piss scent and slap the meth right off of her mug.

Performance below:

Fuggie Fug was making her way out of Waverly Inn in NYC last night when she went doooown. It's a good thing she didn't land flat on her meth face. That's my favorite feature on her. Clumsy ho is right!

Seriously, that picture of her ankle doing the Exorcist is going to give me nightmares.

TMZ has video of Fuggie going down, if you care.

If you haven't heard Fuggie Fug's song for the "Sex & the City" movie, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. If caca had a theme song, this would be it. I think listening to this song turned my allergies into leprosy. I don't know what's fucking worse? The lyrics, the music or her voice.

The SATC bitches should have saved their pennies and released this Fergie classic instead:

Don't ask me about the clown. I think he was a child toucher. Kids Inc. dealt with the real issues.

My legs couldn't take it. We need to leave the tye-dyed jeans back in the late 90s where they belong. I would rather wear pastel surfer pants than this. Shit, I'd rather wear neon shoe lace gladiator sandals than this crap. Only Donatella Versace is allowed to wear tacky shit like this. Miami mafia wife is not a good look.

Maybe those jeans didn't start out that way. Fuggie's toxic meth piss probably bleached them.

Here's Fuggie with some agent type dude on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills yesterday.

Everyone loves Heart. EVERYONE! If you say you don't, you're lying. Last night on Idols Give Back, Heart performed Barracuda and instead of leaving it at that, Fergie had to come out and ruin it. At least she wore rubber pants. Piss-proof. Seriously, Fergie came out, did a cartwheel and tried to take the shine off of Heart. I soooo wanted Ann just to flick Fergie with her big toe. Ann is a big beautiful woman, so Fergie and her uncontrollable bladder would have went flying into Gaycrest's lap. He would have screamed like a little girl and beat her with his butt plug.

Fuggie Fug and Quentin Tarantino threw a joint Birthday party for themselves at The Mirage in Las Vegas last night. Now this is a couple I can back up! Fuggie needs to dump pretty boy Josh and hook up with the concentrated fugness known as Quentin Tarantino. Their fugness was meant to be joined as one.

Guests included Kid Rock, Vivie, Daryl Hannah, Josh Duhamel and some other dumb skanks.

Kid Rock bought Fuggie some sort of hot dog machine for her Birfday. She told UsWeekly, “You put the bun on one side, and you put the hot dog in the little hot dog holes, and it pops out of the toaster in about a minute, and your hot dogs are ready to go." But can it fix her face?

Wait....Vivie Fox, Daryl Hannah AND Vivica Fox in one room together. I hope they kept the number of candles to a minimum. Too much heat and that joint would've been hit with a melted, plastic tsunami.

Fuggie Fug is celebrating the big 33 today. She started the celebrations early last night by dining with her man at Katsuya. Fuggie kept showing off her engagement ring like it was the cure for cancer. We get it Fuggie! You're the luckiest methface alive. Put the ring away and go put some night cream on your mug, it looks haggard. She probably did put some night cream on her face and by "night cream" I mean Duhamel spooge. How depressing. Methfaces always get the hot dudes.

And we're off! It's time for those Fuggie Fug pregnancy rumors again. Fuggie looked a little wide in the face and belly as she left a sushi joint with Josh Duhamel last night. Just because she was at a sushi joint doesn't mean she was having sushi. I know pregnant chicks aren't supposed to eat raw fish. I order chicken teriyaki at sushi restaurants all the time. The waiter usually looks at me like he wants slap me. He probably puts his eye boogers in my meal. It still tastes delicious, so I do not care.

Everybody's getting pregnant nowadays, so why not Fuggie? It's the thing to do. I'll light a candle tonight and pray baby doesn't get her methface.

From meth bumps to baby bumps. Our little Fuggie is growing up.

There may be a real Meth Baby Alert!!! Fergie might be knocked up. Page Six reports that Fergie has moved up her wedding date to Josh Duhamel, because there's an 8-ball in oven.

A source said, "She picked up a wedding dress while she was in New York for Fashion Week and wants to move the wedding up so she is married before the bump becomes too obvious." The rumor is that she will be married in the next two months.

Can you imagine this ho being knocked up? She has a weak ass bladder as it is! She will be a piss fountain! Splish splash everywhere. I hope Spanx makes diapers, because that's what this chick is going to need. She will be worse than those "squirter" chicks who have super soakers in their coochies. Oh shit. Let's not talk about "squirters." It's way too early to be discussing extreme female ejaculation.

UPDATE: Fergie's mommy called into Ryan Seacrest's show on KIIS-FM and denied Fergie was pregnant or getting married early.

Image: Wireimage