Andre Leon Talley is the most influential person in the fashion world (as Tyra Banks tells us every single week on America's Next Top Model) and he really didn't disappoint at last night's MET Costume Gala last night when he floated onto the red carpet like the ethereal gay dream version of some University's mascot. You can tell that when his farts billow through that gown, they smell like blueberries dipped in melted grape chapstick. When ALT is done with that old gown, he can donate it to the entire graduating class (EVERY SCHOOL) of 2011! There's room in there for all of them.
The Vixen of Vogue wasn't the only trick who served scalding hot fuckery on a plate of fuckery last night. There were others who made it their night's goal to summon a wave of WTF faces from the photographers. They would not let ALT be the only one. No, they would not!
Wednesday Addams snatched this shit from the rack marked "Morticia's freakum dresses" in The Addams Family costume closet many years ago and she's been waiting for the day to wear it.
Kate Hudson's dress is pretty normal, but that crap on her head looks like a rhinestone sea urchin that crawled out of Andre Leon's Talley's glitter hole and found a new home on her hair.
Ashley Olsen brings us the news that Brenda Walsh's prom dress moved to Switzerland and got a morning job as a milk maid.
Christina Hendricks... Christina Hendricks... Christina Hendricks... I'm just going to focus on the beautiful pair of sunrise chichis and then move right along before I get rust poisoning.
A slew of ICANTS go to Fuggie Fug, Freida Pinto, Kristen Stewart, Marc Jacobs, Robert Duffy and Serena Williams (who thinks she's at a HoJo's Royal Wedding party).
Lastly, I can't say one mean thing about Basement Baby's look. Beyonce accidentally left a bag of Cost Plus impulse buys in front of the basement door and Solange made a DRESS out of them. Not a dress, but a DRESS! No comment on the make-up which makes her look like a constipated lady bug.
Dressed like the late-in-life French lesbian owner of an ostrich farm in New Mexico, Johnny Depp strolled onto the stage at Nickelodeon's Kids Choice Awards in L.A. yesterday and hosed everyone down with slime. I see what you did there, Nickelodeon, and Child Protective Services along with agents from The Chris Hansen Department of NOT RIGHT SHIT will be knocking on your door.
While most hos were on the receiving end of a Shrek green shower, Johnny doesn't play that mess. It took Johnny way too long to successfully snatch those clothes from Diane Keaton's closet, so he's not going to let Slimer's menstrual fluid mess 'em up. And I really feel sorry for the sick ho who Googles "slime me, Johnny Depp, slime me" and end up on this post. This is not what you signed up for when you clicked.
If you need to know the winners of this popped glow stick passed off as an awards show, you need to look elsewhere! We're all adults here (not really) and we don't look at the winners of some children's awards show! Adults don't do that! We only make inappropriate jokes about the pictures! And let's continue the theme.
Here's a few of those who showed up to that mess yesterday: Johnny Depp (and I know you're going to use the color picker Photoshop tool on that green slime), Josh Bieber, Fergie in a Lego dress, Heidi Klum with Nick Cannon, Russell Brand with Manny from Modern Family, Snoop Dogg, Selena Gomez, Wonky McValtrex (whose military trained gyno knows all about green slime), some tramps off the street, Taylor Momsen, Nick Simmons, Sophie Simmons, Willow Smith, Steven Tyler with Erin Brady and Sofia Vergara.
On Thursday, Josh Duhamel was kicked off of a plane and put in time out without his toys after he threw a tantrum and refused to turn off his stupid ass BlackBerry. Josh wasted everyone's time by holding up a flight to Kentucky for nearly 90 minutes. Yes, 90 minutes! You know what those passengers could've done with those 90 minutes instead of sitting on the tarmac waiting for flight attendants to pop an annoying bag of hemorrhoids and pry him off the plane? They could've tap danced in an airport bathroom for some pre-flight peen. They could've read every tabloid cover-to-cover in a Hudson News. They could've swallowed a few Airborne and vodka shots in the terminal bar. But no, they had to wait a douchefart's pouty party of one to be over.
Josh's rep later burped out a "He's sowwy" statement. And at the TREVOR Live Benefit in Los Angeles last night, Josh told Access Hollywood (via People) that he's learned his lesson and will turn off his BlackBerry from now on. Josh had this to say, "I've learned that it's best to always turn them off. It was not my favorite moment. I'm good. Lesson learned."
So, Josh has barely learned that sometimes it's best to listen to adults with authority who have name tags on their uniforms (name tags are important)? Gold star for him! I wonder what new and exciting lessons Josh will learn next! Maybe he'll finally learn that wiping his own ass prevents skid marks on his Underoos. Seriously, Fergie is totally over scrubbing the nasty butt rainbows out of Josh's chonies after scrubbing the piss stains out of hers. Learn this, Josh!
Phoebe Price is an international supermodel who has toplined the most prestigious food court fashion shows in Perris and has graced the cover of a dozen fashion magazines published by a Knott's Berry Farm photo booth, so I really shouldn't question her style choices, but what in the name of the coat of many colors does she have on her truly exquisite body?!
Did a two-headed crow attack her in the head which caused her to fall and get tangled up in the backyard clothesline of a lady who holds the Guinness World Record for the largest collection of fugly ass bedspreads? PP is a goddess molded from a mound of ground chipolte chicken, and that dress is not worthy of her beauty.
With all that being said, Chicken Cutlets was still the best dressed at last night's American Mess Awards. I mean, look at her competition:
Ke$ha - Bitch's dress looks the inside of my broke Boom Box after it chewed on and warped one of my Alice Cooper tapes. No points for those stud brows.
Nicki Minaj - Is she wearing the skeleton of one RPattz's golden unicorns? This is not a total fail since her hair is looking like a yellow & green Jello parfait.
The Smiths sans Will - Have the Smith family recently checked the batteries on their carbon monoxide detectors, because that's the only reasonable explanation for this kind of foolery.
RiRi - An extra clotty tampon comes to mind....
Taylor Swift or Kat Stacks?
Johnny Weir - His beauty is almost on par with Phoebe's so there's no shade to throw.
Will.I.Cant - Really, I can't anymore.
The dude from Train - When he performed last night, his pants sparkled like Edward Cullen's peen under a spotlight.
Actually, since I put it that way the dude from Train gets best dressed. PP is a close second!
The Black Eyed Peas, who really need to stop huffing burnt plastic while watching Tron, may be on the lookout for a new female member soon (Martika, brush the dust off your headshot), because Radar says that Fergie Fugs is about to piss on out of there. A source says that Will.I.Am is more like Will.I.Am.An.Asshole and this makes Fergie want to chew on a meth pipe. The source also said that she kind of wants to start making babies, so she feels now is the time to stop being a Pea.
BEP will tour the summer and dates have already been scheduled for early next year, but apparently Fergie will not be joining them on the second leg. The source added, “Things have gotten really bad with Will.i.Am. And it’s not just Fergie who is clashing with him. So is the rest of the band. His ego is out of control. Fergie just wants to get away from the whole thing. And she really wants a baby with Josh. Between that and the bad blood with Will, it looks like the 2011 tour is in big trouble and she’s saying she’s going to split for good.”
Fergie already had a successful solo album and Will.I.A. does seem....Oh, you know what? Who gives a fucking meth mark on an ass cheek about this shit! Watch this video of a pepaw passed the hell out on a recliner on the back of a pick-up instead.
You know, this old dude should totally replace Fergie. And the driver should be their opening act.
Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon, star of the rare 90s diamond Models Inc., recently found out that her husband of almost 9 years, CAA agent Mike Nilon, has been creeping out on her with a chick in Chicago. Garcelle didn't pull an Elin by attacking her husband with a club. Instead, Garcelle let everyone in Mike's office know that his dick has been wandering. Yes, bitch exercised her right to CC EVERYONE! It must have been a sea of side-eyes at Mike's office that day.
Page Six says that Garcelle titled the e-mail: "Tiger Woods/Jesse James/Mike Nilon". Garcelle went on to say, "What do they have in common . . . I found out today that MY husband of almost 9 yrs has been having an affair for 5 yrs with some slut in Chicago. I am devastated!!!! And I have been duped!! Our boys don't deserve this!"
This is basically like the classier version of going down to your man's job and screaming to the receptionist to call his cheating ass out so you can beat him with your shoe.
You know, why didn't I ever get mass e-mails like that when I worked in an office? The only mass mails I got were about leaving food in the sink and piss on the toilet seat. Not about sluts in Chicago. Boo.
Garcelle didn't confirm or deny the e-mail, but she had this to say to E!: "My focus at this time is on my kids and healing the pain. There will be no further comment."
So everyone at Mike's office can stop hitting the "get mail" button on their inbox, because Garcelle isn't going to write a sequel anytime soon.
Nicole Forrester is the Atlanta stripper who claimed she was carrying on an affair with Fuggie Fug's husband Josh Duhamel. Josh denied away, but Nicole still stuck by her story. Since Tiger Woods' bus full of harems ran over Nicole's spotlight and everyone forgot about her ass, she had to do something to keep the dollars raining on her snatch. So Nicole is now telling friends that she's pregnant, and she's 95% sure Josh is the father. And I"m 100% sure that she's full of shit.
According to The National Enquirer, Nicole, who already has two kids, told her friends that she's three-and-a-half months pregnant. One of Nicole's friends added, "She said, 'I'm carrying a million dollar baby!'" But if it's not Josh's, she's carrying a welfare baby.
But Nicole is the Wile E. Coyote of whores, because she fucked herself in the ass by previously saying she only had safe sex with Josh. Fail Whore. Nicole gives all gold digging sluts a bad name. First of all, Nicole effed up by not secretly recording Josh in the act. Missed opportunity. Second of all, don't ever give too many details, because you never know when you're going to have to pull out the baby card in the near future. Rielle Hunter, come and collect this amateur to show her how it's really done.
Josh Duhamel surprised his wife of one year Fuggie Fug with a vow renewal ceremony in Santa Barbra, CA last week. UsWeekly claims that Josh set up a ceremony on a cliff overlooking the ocean. That was very conscientious of Josh. That way either of them could've jumped off the cliff if they decided not to pinky swear to faithfulness. Unfortunately, neither of them jumped to freedom.
As you might remember (but you probably don't, because the good shit kills memory cells), Josh was accused of passing his peen to an Atlanta stripper last year. The stripper claimed she got down on the down low with Josh. Josh denied away.
This could be the reason why Josh decided they should renew their vows. Maybe he thinks if he wipes the stripper's panty pudding off his vows, it'll stick this time. But I don't know why bitches bother with that vows shit. You are just setting yourself up! Be real about it. Just say some shit like, "I offer you my solemn vow to be your faithful partner.......unless I get really fucking drunk and some hot piece gives me the eye."
No, Fergie Ferg did not queef about the rumors that her husband did illegal fuck times with a pussy shaker down in Atlanta, but she did talk about how she was schooled by her therapist on the topic of cheating. In an interview with The Advocate, Fergie admitted that she didn't know nibbling on the clitty counted as cheating. Fergie learned the expensive way (aka through her therapist).
Fergie said, "I’ve been very honest with him from the get-go. I think women are beautiful, I’ve had a lot of fun with women, and I’m not ashamed of it. The problem is that I also love a well-endowed man. But just because I enjoy women doesn’t mean I’m allowed to have affairs in my relationship. I learned through talking with my therapist that it is still cheating even if it’s with girls, so there is a rule there."
Is that so? That's not what I heard. I was under the impression that it doesn't count as cheating if you don't swallow or if you don't know their last name. If the jizz don't hit the tongue and you can't point their name out in a phone book, you are free and clear! TRUTH!
Josh Duhamel might have kind of, sort of stuck his penis into a vagina that doesn't belong to his wife Fergie. That's what the National Enquirer (via Radar) is reporting and they heard it straight from the stripper whore's mouth.
Nicole Forrester, who could also be living a double life as Alison from Big Brother, claims that she sexed up Josh Duhamel earlier this month in Atlanta.
Josh was shooting a movie in Georgia, when he strolled into Tattletales Lounge with his homeboy. That's where he met Nicole who strips under the name "Delilah." According to Nicole, Josh told her his name was JD and that he was in town filming a porno. After a few drinks, Nicole got nekkid and danced for Josh and his friend. Before Josh left he asked for Nicole's phone number. A few days later, Josh rang Nicole up, invited her to his hotel room and the two got fuckalicious that night.
The Enquirer says they paid Nicole for her story, but also claim she passed a lie-detector test. Josh's rep denies the whole affair.
If this is true, then Josh needs more people! How is he going to screw on a stripper without getting her to sign a confidentiality agreement or something? Dude should have used protection in more ways than one.
Hell, Josh should have at least made Nicole swear on a pair of exquisite lucite heels that she would never utter a word. Lucite heels are sacred to titty shakers (and yours truly). If Nicole went against her word, every stripper pole would collapse as soon as she touched it.
And someone should lock Fuggie in the basement, because this rumor could cause her to reach for the pipe.
(Image via Radar)