And here's Hermione Granger doing a spot-on voice impersonation of Alexis Neiers in the trailer for Sofia Coppola's Pretty Wild: The Movie (aka The Bling Ring), which features a blink-and-you-miss-it semi-cameo from Dlisted's grey bars. I don't know if Emma Watson is a shit actress or if she's a genius actress for perfectly capturing the soulless, vapid, empty Adderall bottle personality of Alexis Neiers. And like I said before, I will throw my 4-inch little brown Bebe shoes at Sofia Coppola if Nancy Jo from Vanity Fair doesn't get a shout out. TWENTY NINE DOLLARS!!!!
Lifetime already made a masterpiece film about those fame-obsessed kid thieves who stole almost $3 million worth of stuff from the houses of famous hos like Wonky McValtrex, Lindsay Lohan, Ceiling Eyes, Orlando Bloom and Brian Austin Green. But I guess Sofia Coppola must've seen that movie and decided that it was really missing an indie music soundtrack and a five minute-long shot of a palm tree blowing in the wind, because she made her own version. Here's the first trailer for The Bling Ring starring Emma Watson as the Alexis Neiers-type, Violet from American Horror Story, Gavin Rossdale and Leslie Mann.
The trailer looks fine and everything, but Sofia Coppola should never ever be allowed to make another movie again if The Bling Ring doesn't have a recreation of this legendary and important moment in basic cable history. This shit is even better than Paula Abdul's Bratz meltdown.
Actually, there's no way Emma Watson can top the real Alexis Neiers. Shit, why didn't Sofia get Alexis Neiers to play Alexis Neiers? I'm sure she would've worn her 4-inch little brown Bebe shoes to the set and everything. Twenty nine dollars!
The chipmunk Susan Powter tweeted today that Billy Ray Cyrus and her cousins aren't driving toward Liam Hemsworth's house with a nail-embedded 2X4 in hand, because she didn't call off her wedding. Miley Cyrus twatted out the denial after Life & Style added more layers of escandalosoness (not really) to the rumor that Liam did her wrong by humping on Sienna Miller's home wrecker protégé January Jones the night before the Oscars. A witness type tells Life & Style that after January and Liam got close at the Chateau Marmont, they went to a house party together where she got on him like her bull dozer vagina was ready to wreck some homes! The witness said this:
“They went to a private house party, and right in the middle of the party, January was clinging to Liam, saying, ‘You’re so handsome.' He kept saying, ‘We can’t do this here.’ Then they left holding hands and went out in the hallway and were making out. She was wasted. It wasn’t good.”
A different source says that January is shameless when it comes to dudes and if your peen is taken, you move to the front of the line. So January could've gotten on Liam just to say that she can. MY SLUT HERO! But the other day, Lainey said in a blind item and in a post that Liam was flirting with Emma Watson at a pre-Oscar party and not January Jones.
Whatever the case may be, Miley isn't hearing any of that and she quit Twitter over all the useless noise filling her ears:
I am so sick of La. And sick of the lies that come with it. I didn't call off my wedding. Taking a break from social media. #draining
my new music is gonna shut everyone up.
not discussing anything but my music from now on.
Miley is right about her new music shutting everyone up, because it's kind of hard to talk shit when you're dry heaving while plugging your ear holes with your fingers.
I almost feel like this engagement was doomed from the beginning. Miley is only 20 and Liam is only 23 and they're both living the best years of their lives. What I mean by that is that they're at an age where they still have enough energy to be a huge whore.
And here's January Jonesingforyourman at the Miu Miu show in Paris today. This is what it would look like if Martian Girl from Mars Attack! was in a remake of Valley of the Dolls.
RPattz, whose scalp makes a cameo as the enchanted forest in Snow White & The Huntsman, was too busy doing more important things (like deep conditioning his taint hair or whatever) to show up to last night's MTV Movie Awards, so Kristen Stewart had to accept their award for Best Kiss by herself. KStew tried to make a joke out it by begging Charlize Theron, Thor, Taylor Lautner or ANYBODY to get up there and put their lips on hers. Charlize couldn't do it, because she was backstage putting her lips on a bong she made out of one of those popcorn trophies. Taylor Lautner couldn't do it, because he's not one to put his mouth on lady lips for free. So KStew asked herself, WWJAD (What would Jennifer Aniston do?) and the answer was: make out with herself!
You know, what KStew lacks in acting skills, she makes up for in awkwardness. She is beyond awkward. This one time when I was 8 or 9, I walked in on my one-legged stepmother changing her tampon over the toilet in my dad's guest bathroom. Afterward, she sat down next to me at the breakfast table (No, we weren't having tomato omelets, thank God!) and we ate in silence. If I could take the awkwardness I felt in that moment and mold it into a human person, that human person would be a lot like Kristen Stewart. Just awkwardness running through her veins...
Anyway, here's a few pictures from last night. In order: Jennifer Aniston, Jodie Foster (throwing either a "Where's a strap-on when you really need one?" or "This bitch better not ask me to make out with her!" side-eye), Johnny Depp, Ciara, Christina Ricci, Charlize, Wiz Khaliafaawhatever with Amber Rose, KStew, Emma Stone, Jessica Biel, Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Seacrest with Julianne Hough, Brooke Hogan, Ick & Nast, Jean-Claude Van Damme with guest, Emma Watson, two Fraggle Rock refugees, Marky Mark, Andrew Garfield and Russell Brand.
If you walked by the front of Avery Fisher Hall in NYC last night and wondered why hundreds of Harry Potter fangirls were licking the red carpet and scooting their Muggle 'ginas like proud graduates of Toby's School of New Tricks, it's because Tom Felton, Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint nearly melted their nipples off and drops of their DNA splattered all over the place.
NYC is currently trapped in one of Lucifer's wet butt bubbles and the Harry Potter boys were forced to cover most of their body pores in suits from Friar Tux black label collection, so they were pretty much trying to learn how to pant from all of their exposed orifices. But not Emma Watson! Even though Emma looked like a rabid raccoon trying to scurry out of a burlap sack stuck to some opera curtains, she could raise her hand and be sure! And not only was Emma one of the only ones whose body didn't feel like a dirty armpit pad at the end of the night, but she's also been drunk before! FYI:
Here's more from last night's premiere. In order: All those HP chirruns, Alan Rickman, Ugly Betty, SJP with a tiny gondolier, Seth Green with his wife, Mister Jay (wearing the carcass of a spirit animal), Joey Fat One with his family and Matthew Broderick.