Usually, I'm all for a dress that makes eyes frantically search the chichis zone for a possible nipple slip situation, but I just can't with the mess Jessica Chastain had on her body at the Doogie Howser SINGS! Show last night. To me, in interviews Jessica Chastain always comes off as a sweet, overexcited kitten whose eyes flare with potent glee at the sight of anything shiny, so I sort of understand why she decided to wear this shit. "SHINY! AH WANTS IT ON ME!" was probably Jessica's first reaction to that fug mess. But it's her friends, family and stylist's job to gently sit on her something soft, hand her a cup of herbal tea and calmly tell her that the dress she chose makes her tits look like they fell into a coma after contracting a rare bedazzled bacteria infection. Even Jessica's chichis are frowning at this look.
That dress has achieved the impossible by looking both slutty and frumpy. It's like a whory memaw's freakum dress. That dress is such a slut that it even comes with its own STD. Or maybe that shit on her dress is a sparkly green fungus only found in the enchanted forest or rotten eggs laid by a gay trout. I don't know what it is, but I do know the free clinic should quarantine it and treat it with a topical ointment.
And Jessica made that mess look even worse by standing next to the epitome of glamorous perfection Bernadette Peters. Who let her do that and why do they hate Jessica so much?
Anyway, here's a bunch of pictures from last night's TONYs. In order: Jessica Cheststains with Bernadette Peters, Ellen Barkin (whose hairline should be studied by the Unexplained Mysteries people), Judith Light, Ricky Martin, NPH with his partner, Sheryl Crow, Amanda Seyfried, BP, Clair Huxtable, a pug in Endora drag, Stockard Channing, Audra McDonald, Linda Lavin and Hugh Jackmeoff with his feathered beard.
I was shoved by an NYPD cop on New Year's, too! He shoved my face out of the seat of his cop pants. I like cops.
Veteran actress Ellen Barkin claims she was "shoved" by a police officer on New Year's Eve. In the video below, you see Ellen cursing out officers about what she felt was an unnecessary arrest of Occupy Wall Street protesters. Wait, isn't Ellen Barkin the 1%? Look at her, defying her status in life and coming to the aid of the other percentage! In her defense, she DID play one of the best trailer park mommas going. She's done the research, and knows the life. Holy shit, I want a loop of that movie playing on my gravestone.
Anyway, Ellen unleashed hell on her Twitter feed about the incident. Here's some heated Twats:
"Just threatened on my street by NYPD, cop shoved me, both hands, onto sidewalk..Is it a crime 2 stand in the street in NY? WTF is going on here?"
"I was trying 2 make my way 2 young girl they had thrown in2 the van.She was not a protester. Was not drunk. She was walking home"
“F--k all of u, Bloomberg & every1 goosestepping behind u”
When you made 40 mil from your divorce, you can tell the mayor of NYC to fuck off.
Ellen's director boyfriend Sam Levinson shot the video. So, uh, most straight guys I know would be up their with their lady trying to either A) pull her stupid ass off the street so the cops don't arrest her or B) backing her ass up because it's their girl. This guy ran behind a car and started taping. It's like the 21st century equivalent of putting your coat over a mud puddle so a lady can walk across!
The Post reports that, in the video, the cop says "Sidewalk, Miss" and Ellen retorts "Get your motherfucking hands off me". Cougar was wrought! If you Zapruder this shit, it doesn't look like a shove, exactly. It looks like mildly irritated cop wanted mouthy actress out of the street and was kinda guiding(?) her. He did turn her around. Fucked if I know, this was the mildest shit I saw that night. NYE in NYC is CRAZED. At one point, me and the mister were in the thick of the shit, unable to move, and a small Latina woman accused me of "rubbing up against her". Honey, unless you grew a dick, you're not my type. She actually screamed "I don't know why you touchin' me!" BECAUSE WE'RE A MILLION PEOPLE IN A VERY ENCLOSED SPACE! SOMEONE'S ARM IS UP MY ASS AND YOU DON'T SEE ME COMPLAINING! I like fisting, too.
Oh, and I'm off to Manhunt Daily once again. This was a fucking BLAST. I was honored as hell to cover for my blogging deity Michael K., and to work alongside talented bitches like the hilarious blogging angel Sweetas and Lahoma. I'm not sure what gender Lahoma is but I sort of hope it's like a cunty AI that Michael programs to cover "Hot Slut". Like Siri's bitch sister! You guys in the comments are rad. Yeah, some of you hated my ass and compared me to AIDS (I think I actually read that) but I did see some of you write some nice shit about me. You pierced my numb shell and ignited a spark of gratitude in my heart, kids. Thank you.