Brett Ratner bowed out as producer of the Oscars last night to devote more time to making love to a bowl of shrimp scampi and now his homegirl Eddie Murphy is doing the same thing. But Eddie wants only transsexual hooker shrimps in his bowl, thankyouverymuch.
The Academy president let out a statement today saying that Eddie believes in "bros before ho...scars" shit and feels like it's wrong for him to stay on as host without his partner in douchery. As his assistants packed up the dozens of lady fat suits he planned on changing into throughout the ceremony, Eddie said these words:
“First and foremost I want to say that I completely understand and support each party’s decision with regard to a change of producers for this year’s Academy Awards ceremony. I was truly looking forward to being a part of the show that our production team and writers were just starting to develop, but I’m sure that the new production team and host will do an equally great job.”
Where do I sign the "Courtney Stodden 4 Oscar host" petition? Every presenter will have to say "...and the glisteningly glimmery Oscar that my long lingering fingers are sumptuously caressing the succulent heat off of gorgeously goes to..." and the show will be cut short halfway through after Courtney is kicked out of the theater for tarnishing the innocent no-eyes of the statues by being too sexy. Courtney Stodden 4 Oscar host! Get the "Betty White 4 SNL host" people on it.
It's another day, which means there's another list from the professional list makers at Forbes and this time they're pulling some OCCUPY HOLLYWOOD shit on millionaire movie stars.
Forbes took their highest paid actor list and compared it with the grosses for all the movies they starred in within the past 5 years. They had to star in at least 3 movies (animated movies were not counted) that opened in 500 theaters or more. They took what each of their movies made (including first year DVD sales) and added it together. Then Forbes took what the actor made for each movie and added that shit together. Then they divided those two totals. You know, I don't even know what I just typed. That mess is like a foreign language to me. I know, you come to Dlisted for dick cheese jokes and I'm giving you math! Let's just assume that Forbes got higher than a C in 6th grade math, unlike me, and came up with the correct numbers.
You'd think that Katherine Heigl would be #1 through #10, but that bitch isn't even on the list. Drew Barrymore took the top loser spot and Tommy Girl took the second from the bottom (wink wink). Here's the entire list:
1. Drew Barrymore - $0.40 on every $1
2. Eddie Murphy - $2.70 on every $1
3. Will Ferrell - $3.50 on every $1
4. Reese Witherspoon - $3.55 on every $1
5. Denzel Washington - $4.25 on every $1
6. Nicolas Cage - $4.40 on every $1
7. Adam Sandler - $5.20 on every $1
7. Vince Vaughn - $5.20 on every $1
9. Tommy Girl - $6.35 on every $1
10. Nicolas Kidman - $6.70 on every $1
If you asked my advertisers what they get for every $1 they put into Dlisted, they'd probably say hate mail and 2am e-mails from me begging them to send me their products for quality control purposes (that last part only applies to vibrator companies), so Drew Barrymore has one up on me.
Thanks to the Sir Isaac Obviouses at Forbes for letting us know that some millionaire movie stars ain't worth shit on a shit road. But I'd much rather see a list of Hollywood's most underpaid stars, which I'm assuming would include Betty White, everybody in Showgirls, the "I've Got No Legs" dude from Kids and Donna Wilkes from the Angel movies.