DUH

And now you can finally pull out that Liberty and freedom joke you've been waiting to use.

Six months after Rupert Sanders got caught by the paparazzi having dry butt sex with Kristen Stewart while looking at the beautiful mountains (or something), his wife of ten years took the first step  in euthanizing their marriage. TMZ says that Liberty Ross filed divorce papers in L.A. yesterday and wants joint custody of their two kids, alimony and wants him to pay her lawyer. Rupert responded and said that he also wants joint custody and he isn't looking for alimony, but he doesn't want to pay Liberty's lawyer either. Cheap bitch.

Some source says that Liberty and Rupert went to see a therapist a few times to try to Super Glue back the pieces of their broken ass marriage, but it didn't work and they both realized that their marriage is about as dead as Kristen Stewart's acting skills. A different source tells UsWeekly that Liberty just couldn't kiss Rupert on the mouth without thinking about how that mouth once nibbled on KStew's box in the front seat of a Mini Cooper.

"This was a long time coming," one source tells Us Weekly, explaining that, in the aftermath of the shocking tryst, Sanders "did want to try to repair the relationship and didn't want a divorce."

Ross, who picked up her life and career in London to move with her husband to Hollywood a couple years ago, "was more than a little upset," adds a second insider. "They gave it a shot for the kids, [but] she was just so angry . . .she's the kind of person who wouldn't really ever get over it."

The good news is that this shit has lit up the throbbing, angry b-holes of the Twihards and for the next few days they'll be typing ROBSTEN IS 4EVA UNBROKEN over and over again on Twitter and Tumblr, so they'll be busy for a while. The bad news for me is that since Liberty and Rupert's home is wrecked forever and since KStew's coochie contributed to that a little, Sienna Miller will have to give her bull dozer vagina platinum status. So Kristen Stewart and my home wrecking hero Sienna Miller are now in the same home wrecking league. Ugh.

Rapper Lupe Fiasco has been on the Fuck Obama train for a while now and he's known for not holding back his thoughts on the President. Lupe Fiasco has called Obama a "terrorist" who "killed children" by ordering drone attacks. So who ever booked Lupe's ass for the StartUp RockOn Inauguration Celebration at Hamilton Live in DC last night either doesn't know how Google works or knew what they were doing and wanted some easy publicity. Because during his set, Lupe Fiasco pulled a Lupe Fiasco by repeating a verse from his anti-war song "Words I Never Said" over and over again for 30 minutes. These are the lyrics Lupe rapped out on repeat:

Limbaugh is a racist/ Glenn Beck is a racist/ Gaza Strip was getting bombed, Obama didn't say shit/ That's why I didn't vote for him, next one either

The organizers told Lupe to keep it moving, but he didn't and just kept repeating those lyrics. The organizers finally pulled everyone out of the 30 minute-long anti-Obama tornado by flipping off the lights and turning off Lupe's mic. Lupe was then escorted off the stage. The organizers later issued a statement to HyperVocal saying that they didn't put Lupe on the curb because of his anti-Obama views, they put him on the curb because he was a broken record and they needed to keep it moving.

"Lupe Fiasco performed at this private event, and as you may have read, he left the stage earlier than we had planned. But Lupe Fiasco was not “kicked off stage” for an “anti-Obama rant.” We are staunch supporters of free speech, and free political speech. This was not about his opinions. Instead, after a bizarrely repetitive, jarring performance that left the crowd vocally dissatisfied, organizers decided to move on to the next act."

The hell did these bitches expect? This is like me inviting Victoria Jackson to officiate my gay wedding and then acting all surprised when she says, "Do you Michael take Anderson Cooper to be your seat partner on the Sodomy Express to Hell where your souls will burn for the rest of eternity for making God mad?" (SPOILER ALERT: I'd still say "I do!")

And on that note, Happy MLK Day and Happy Inauguration Day, everyone!

via Buzzfeed

Earlier today, Radar had a quote from Michael Lohan which proved that he's a caring, wonderful father who wants nothing but the best for his daughter. Did I type "nothing but the best for his daughter"? I meant to type "nothing but a check." My mistake. Radar quoted Michael Lohan as saying that rich men pay Lindsay Lohan hundreds of thousands of dollars to "date" them and that White Oprah is her pimp. It was my first DUH! of the day.

A different source also told Radar that LiLo is an escort who gets paid to be "arm candy" to really rich dudes. Prince Haji Abdul Azim, who is known for paying celebrities to be his friend, paid LiLo $100,000 sit at his New Year's Eve party in London. The source also said that rich artist Domingo Zapata lets LiLo stay for free at his penthouse at the Bowery Hotel in NYC and has given her the keys to his place at Chateau Marmont in L.A. The rich dudes pay for all expenses and give her expensive gifts. The source says they don't know if White Oprah also takes a price gun to Lindsay Lohan's snatch, because they don't know if her freckled biscuit is for sale too.

Yes, "arm candy to really rich dudes." I typed that. Bitch probably thinks she's a diamond-studded dark chocolate truffle wrapped in gold foil made from actual gold, but she's really a dusty bag of Circus Peanuts lying on a shelf in the back of a Rite-Aid.

But don't go looking to see how Lindsay Lohan's escort services rated on Yelp, because Michael Lohan tells TMZ that he never called her a whore and says that she's not selling low-grade cooch at high-end prices:

"By absolutely NO MEANS did I ever make such a statement ... EVER! Sure, Lindsay and [other celebs] make personal appearances and get paid for it! Sure, she and they get paid to go to birthday parties and other occasions! But for sex? Are you kidding me? I would never say that because she would NEVER do that and it NEVER happened!"

I believe that Michael Lohan never said that to Radar. I mean, Michael probably gets a cut of LiLo's escort money, so why would he call her out? Michael doesn't want the IRS knocking on his door to get a cut of his cut. Michael might have molten coke rocks for brains, but he's not stupid enough to mess with his cash flow. A good pimp never tells.

Michael Lohan has already blamed all of Lindsay Lohan's problems on the fact that White Oprah is an enabling coke vacuum of delusion, and now it's her turn to blame him for their daughter's poor decision-making skills. Inside of a Long Island hotel room and surrounded by cops and medical reports, White Oprah told the New York Daily News about Michael Lohan's history of domestic abuse. White Oprah is only speaking out about it now, because Adderall pills don't grow on tree and her back alley pharmacists need to get paid Lindsay Lohan encouraged her to after seeing an old picture of her with a black eye.

The picture from 1986 shows White Oprah with a bruised-up eye and a baby LiLo in her arms. When LiLo saw that picture, she screamed, "Tell the world! Talk about it!" So that's what White Oprah is doing. White Oprah says that black eye is just one of the many that Michael Lohan gave her during their marriage and his abuse is the reason why LiLo is a mess. White Oprah got the black eye after a coked-up, drunken Michael Lohan Chris Brown'd her in the car. White Oprah produced medical records proving that on December 4, 1986, emergency room doctors treated her for "blunt trauma" to the face. When the NYDN asked Michael Lohan about it, he had a different version of the story:

“I came in at 2 o’clock in the morning after being out with some friends. I walked in and she hit me with an ice tray. With the back of my hand I slapped her in the face. Yes, it did happen in 1986. Were there any charges? No, not at all. I had a big black and blue on my neck from her."

White Oprah says she didn't press charges, because Michael was already headed to the chokey for committing securities fraud while working as a stock broker on Wall Street. When Michael got out of jail in 1990, she says he showed up to her parents' house in a limo and begged her to take him back. She says Michael was coked all the way up at the time and kept begging her to give him another chance. When she refused, Michael immediately turned into a monster and raped her as the kids slept upstairs.

After he left and her parents came home, she went to the emergency room at Nassau County Hospital. Doctors examined her and collected evidence in a rape kit. Once again, she didn't press any charges, because she says Michael Lohan was on his way to prison again for insider trading.

Most of what comes out of White Oprah's mouth is a certified lie, but I actually believe her this time. Since Michael Lohan is a dried piece of demon shit stuck under Lucifer's CROC, he told the NYDN that he never raped White Oprah and she's the one who wanted sex from him.

“How can you rape a person when they’re on top of you?” he asked.
They were separated at the time, Michael explained, and he was dating another woman.

He said Dina claimed rape in a jealous fit after she called him later that night and heard he was with the girlfriend.

“I went over to her parents’ house and made love to her,” he said Sunday. “When I left and she called me, she found out I was with (the girlfriend) and called police. Then she called me the next day, crying. I said, ‘Let’s work this out.’ And I got back with Dina. There were no charges.”

White Oprah says that the abuse continued over the years and she got several orders of protection against Michael Lohan. She stayed for the sake of the kids and wants the world to know that Michael Lohan is to blame for LiLo being a professional fuck-up:

“She saw a lot of crazy stuff. I want the world to know the root of her problems. Lindsay saw all the beatings and all the abuse. She said, ‘Stay, mommy, don’t leave.' She said, ‘I’m so sorry for making you stay.’ But I didn’t stay for Lindsay — I wanted all my kids to be happy.

I need to make the world aware that Lindsay is messed up because her father is messed up.”

Michael called White Oprah the "devil" and said that she's just bringing this up, because she wants people to forget that she's partying and getting high with LiLo.

White Oprah is half-right, LiLo is messed up because her father is messed up, but she's also messed up because her mother is messed up too. Usually when one piece of trash fuck-up (see: Michael Lohan) makes a baby with another fuck-up (see: White Oprah), the baby grows up to either be a fuck-up or realizes they don't want to be a fuck-up and escapes their family by entering a monastery far, far away. Yes, that's Cody Lohan's cue to shave his head and start heading for the giant holy building up in the mountains.

And LiLo was supposed to be in court today for slapping that psychic in a club, but the hearing was pushed back, because prosecutors realized she has more important things to do like party in London (see: pictures below).

Patrick Bateman's bloody corpse is lying on Lindsay Lohan's driveway today, because he turned the chainsaw on himself after losing his psychotic mind from listening to hear dribble out fake excuse after fake excuse for why she didn't show up to work. Hollywood's forever employee of the month was supposed to show up to a studio to do work on that straight-to-public access, soft-core porn movie The Canyons, and when she didn't punch her time card in, Bret Easton Ellis left her the above note on Twitter. I know, can you believe that Lindsay Lohan is an ungrateful, unreliable piece of back alley trash mess? I don't believe it! Next, you're going to tell me that those pictures of Robert Pattinson licking Rupert Sanders' dried saliva off of Kristen Stewart's lips aren't one hundred percent natural and staged. What to believe!

The last time Lindsay Lohan didn't show up to a job, she blamed it on "walking pneumonia." I wonder what she'll blame it on this time? I'm going to put half of my chips on "Ah I had 24-hour cancer!" and the other half of my chips on "Ah I fell into a secret portal in my wardrobe, traveled to a different world and had to battle the White Witch!" (aka took too much Special K)

I didn't know what ADR stood for, so I looked it up and apparently it's just dialogue dubbing. Why did they need the real Lindsay Lohan to do voice dubbing for Lindsay Lohan? They should've just ran outside and pulled some 50-something homeless hobo off the street. Then they should've made him chain smoke crushed nails rolled in sandpaper and inject lidocaine into his tongue until he got Lindsay Lohan's signature slur down. The hobo would've done a better job and the sound guys wouldn't have to worry about their watches getting stolen.

Here's the consummate professional casing a jewelry store in Beverly Hills the other day.

The sound of a bloated gay walrus cackling is coming from the Scientology salon this afternoon, because as one of the stylists grooms and prunes the dead beaver on John Travolta's head, he's giggling with the goyls about Vanity Fair's cover story on the search to find Tommy Girl's third beard wife.

Most of us already know the romantic tale of how Scientology auditioned several actresses for the role of Tommy's wife and when ScarJo and Jessica Alba ran far away from that foolery, they settled on Katie Holmes' simple ass. Vanity Fair's Maureen Orth went deeper into that mess and writes that Iranian-born, British-raised actress Nazanin Boniadi almost became Mrs. Tommy Girl, but she screwed it up by "disrespecting" Scientology's other reigning tiny queen David Miscavige.

After Nicole Kidman's marriage contract with Tommy was up, Scientology wanted to find the perfect beard wife who'd obey all the laws of L. Ron Hubbard and who'd keep a straight face when Tommy sashayed in smelling like man anus and dick milk. David Miscavige's wife Shelly was named team leader of Mission Impossible: Make Tommy Look Like He's Into Pussy. Shelly started looking for Tommy's third wife within Scientology and narrowed in on Nazanin.

The head crazies at Scientology brought Nazanin in and told her she'd been selected for a very important mission. For one full month, they audited her every day and made her over by making her lose her braces, highlights and boyfriend. Nazanin had to sign a confidentiality agreement and Scientology threatened to brand her with the "suppressive person" title if she screwed with them. When Scientology thought she was ready to meet Tommy Girl, they flew her to NYC for a date, which was chaperoned by several members of the cult.

On the first night of their date, Nazanin, who realized quickly this was an arranged marriage type of situation, stayed in Tommy's hotel suite, but they didn't bone, because his special alien powers failed him when he couldn't make a 9" dick grow out of her vagina. Tommy and Scientology kept grooming Nazanin for the next two months and she supposedly fell in love with his little ass. Scientology took away Nazanin's access to her own checking account and the only form of money she had was a credit card in the name of Tommy's production company. Every day, Nazanin was audited and had to verbally barf out any negative thoughts she had about Tommy. Even though Nazanin tried to stroke Tommy's ego as much as she could, it was never enough for him and he would tell her shit like, "I get more love from an extra than I do from you." Tommy had a point, because that extra was totally a dude and that extra's peen probably kissed his Scientolohole several times. That's real love.

Eventually, Nazanin was shaved off of Tommy's face, because they didn't think she was famous enough and because she disrespected Miss David Miscavige by doing this:

According to the knowledgeable source, Boniadi also offended Scientology chief David Miscavige, who speaks rapidly, because she kept saying, “Excuse me?” when she was entertaining him and his wife during a visit to Telluride. In Scientology, the ability to have your communication “land” is crucial. Boniadi was excoriated by Cruise for disrespecting Miscavige. (A representative for Miscavige told Vanity Fair, “Mr. Miscavige doesn’t remember any girlfriend of anyone, in his entire life, insulting him.”)

Tommy never dumped Nazanin himself, but she learned he was done with her when she was moved out of his house and into the Scientology Center in Florida. When she was there, Nazanin told a friend about how she dated Tommy and the friend ratted a bitch out by reporting her to the head crazies at Scientology. Nazanin wasn't ever supposed to talk about being Tommy's beard, so they punished her by making her watch Battlefield Earth while completely sober. No, they punished her by making her feed Whoppers to Kirstie Alley. If you've ever seen a Scientologist with missing fingers and wondered how that happened, you now know how that happened.

NO, they really punished Nazanin by making her scrub toilets with toothbrushes, sell Dianetics on street corners and dig ditches in the middle of the night.

Of course, Scientology denies every single piece of Vanity Fair's story.

None of this is exactly shocking or new, but every now and again we need to be reminded that nothing good comes from Scientology. Okay, that's not totally true. Something good can come from Scientology if they make a reality show about the search for Tommy's next beard. They can call it The Batshitcrazylor. And instead of giving them a rose, Tommy will give the losers a shovel to dig ditches (aka their own grave) in the dirt field behind the Scientology Center.

That dude is totally thinking to himself, "I know this bitch is going to blame me for something."

Another Lindsay Lohan mug shot won't grace the wall of achievement in White Oprah's den, because the D.A. in Los Angeles has pushed that jewel heist case off of their desks and they won't charge her and she won't get arrested. Prosecutors tell E! News that there's just not any evidence to charge anybody with thieving and they can't charge LiLo with shit, because California just isn't equipped with enough medical professional to deal with all the shocked hos who will have a heart attack that if LiLo actually goes to jail for longer than 5 seconds. One of the prosecutors said this to E!:

"We do not have sufficient evidence to prove this case beyond a reasonable doubt. One of the suspects makes a vague admission that he and the others were there, and that 'someone' took something but is not more specific than that. The fact that our suspects are found in a car that is similar to the one seen at the time of the burglary adds little to the case. In addition to these evidentiary insufficiencies, the [victims] do not wish to pursue the prosecution of this matter."

Sam Magid, the "victim," first said that some thieving thief snatched $100,000 worth of watches and then he changed his mind and said that nothing was taken. I wonder why (cut to me doing the "licking the tip while giving a handy" move).  TMZ says that LiLo's got Sam wrapped around her snortin' finger and he texted her with: "I officially told Detective Rodriguez you can't take anything from me cause what's mine is yours." Sam is apparently in love with that mess and he promised to fight for her.

Wait, so a multi-millionaire has crack smoke hearts in his eyes for LiLo and she's trying to steal some stupid watches from his ass? This bitch is really trying to redefine the meaning of dumb. LiLo has a rich ass bitch who is obviously out of his mind in her freckled paws and she's not trying to trick him into eloping with her without a prenup? When you see a baby with candy in its hand, you're not supposed just take its candy. You're supposed to trick the baby into eloping with you without a prenup so you can get your hands on ALL of its candy. Everybody knows that! I swear, LiLo needs to have several seats and reevaluate all the shitty choices she's made as a con artist.

Like nobody saw this mess coming, but TMZ says that the LAPD think that known crackburglar Lindsay Lohan and her assistant Gavin Doyle are the ones who snatched $100,000 in watches and sunglasses during an all-night crack party at a mansion in the Hollywood Hills last week. Because duh, when shit goes missing, that bitch snatched it. The next time one of my She-Ra socks goes missing from the dryer, I'm just going to put the blame on LiLo. It will be a fact.

When the police tried to interview LiLo at the house the morning after the theft, she pretty much flashed an F U nail at them and denied that she had anything to do with it. The owner of the house Sam Magid originally told the cops that he thought two of LiLo's friends did it, but later on he changed his story and said nothing was stolen. Even though Sam says that no crime was committed, the police are still investigating the theft and LiLo and Gavin are the two main suspects, because two independent witnesses saw some incriminating shit. The LAPD contacted LiLo's lawyer to schedule an interview, but she told them to eff off again.

LiLo is still on probation for that other jewel theft case, so if she's charged with anything, she could go directly to jail. To which, Lady Justice responded with: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

My guess is that Sam and LiLo were in on some insurance scam together, but when the police started sniffing too much, Sam called the whole thing off. Or LiLo did snatch those watches and when the police started sniffing too much, she gave the jewelry back and threatened to give Sam a hand job if he went to the cops. I've won a few games of Clue: The VCR Mystery Game, so I know what I'm talking about.

But really, another jewel heist? LiLo already stole some jewelry. You'd think she would've moved on to bigger shit like a bank robbery, a Ponzi scheme or an e-mail scam or something. But she's staying a small time trick. Dumb bitch isn't even growing as a criminal!

The National Enquirer (Side Note: Am I the only one who says "Enquiring minds want to know. I want to know!" every time he reads "The National Enquirer"?) says that when Justin Theroux asked Jennifer Aniston to be his wife, she didn't scream out YES! YES! before pulling out an ironclad engagement contract and making him sign it in Baby Alive pee (Baby Alive pee IS thicker than blood) so that he can't change his mind when the wine buzz wears off. But apparently, Jennifer did make Justin promise to sign a prenup before she took that 8.5 carat diamond engagement ring out of his hand. Uh huh.

Playing Rachel Green in almost every single movie she's in has made Jennifer Aniston over $120 million, so she's trying to protect her fortune and doesn't want to trade doing shots of $2,000-a-bottle tequila in a rented multi-million dollar Mexican beach house for doing shots of Sauza at the El Torito in Northridge. Even though Justin looks like a street hobo who lives in a gas station bathroom and steals all of his clothes from Salvation Army donation bins, he's actually worth $10 million himself, so he's happy to sign a prenup. Some source said this:

“She’s working feverishly with her lawyers to hash out the pre-nup so she and Justin can marry by the end of the year. Then they plan to start adoption proceedings so they can bring home a baby in 2013. Jen has found her romantic happy ending at last. But she’s been around the block enough times to know that she has to be realistic. God forbid this marriage fails, but if it does, Jen at least wants the security of knowing she won’t be wiped out financially.”

Justin signing that prenup is good news for all of us and by "all of us" I mean me. Because I hope I live long enough to see the headline: "Jennifer Aniston Leaves Entire $120 Million Fortune To Her Cabbage Patch Dolls!" I deserve that!

While most of the Internet focused all their attention on Katie Holmes' real-life remake of Prison Break yesterday, NBC quietly released a statement confirming the DUH of all DUHs. No, they didn't confirm that when you squeeze Matt Lauer too hard, a fountain of Summer's Eve will shoot out of his mouth. They confirmed that Savannah Guthrie's got Ann Curry's old job now, so get used to it. They made it clear on yesterday's show that Savannah is the new co-host, but they didn't officially announce it on air. It's kind of like when my mom and dad split, and my dad made me hang out with him and his new girlfriend without telling me exactly who she was. It was obvious, though. So yesterday, I looked at Savannah through the screen the same way I looked at my dad's new piece. With eyes that said, "I know why you're here and I don't like it, bitch."

Here's the BLAH BLAH BLAHs the president of NBC News released to The Washington Post and everybody else yesterday:

“As soon as Savannah joined NBC News she was a standout, reporting for every franchise in the news division and rising through the ranks. She has a one-of-a-kind combination of sharp wit and approachability, and our viewers value her journalistic skills and legal background just as much as her humor and charm. She can effortlessly go from interviewing the Secretary of State to jumping Olympic-sized hurdles on the Plaza. I’m thrilled to welcome Savannah as our newest co-anchor, and along with Matt, Al and Natalie, we’ve got the best morning team in the business.”

They probably went with Savannah over Natalie Morales, Hoda Kotb and Tamron Hall, because she's almost like a Katie Couric Lite. Savannah seems nice, is smart, is pretty harmless and non-conterverisal. In other words:

No, that is not me 20 years ago. I'm too basic to pull off lime green tights.

(the basic bitch siren call via Slog)