Dreams Do Come True

It's probably impossible to top Lindsay Lohan's complicated, multi-layer and emotionally raw performance as Elizabeth Taylor, but Helena Bonham Carter is going to try. (Note: A popped pimple on Helena Bonham Carter's ass could top Lindsay Lohan's performance.) BBC4 is doing their own Liz & Dick movie and they got  HBC to play Elizabeth Taylor and Jimmy McNulty from The Wire (born name: Dominic Gerard Fe West) to play Richard Burton.

BBC4's Burton & Taylor will only focus on the short time in 1983 when La Liz and Richard Burton starred in Private Lives together on Broadway. Liz and Dick weren't bumping nipples at the time, but they were still fighting and getting crazy backstage. HBC told the Daily Mail that she knows her face looks nothing like La Liz's face, but it's not about that and blah blah blah:

"I look nothing like her for a start but it’s about capturing the essence of them at a particular time. She was and continues to be a fascinating woman and she was a huge star. There’s no one comparable around now."

The world doesn't need another movie about Elizabeth Taylor the same way Grey Goose doesn't need another call from White Oprah begging them to let her be a taste tester, but at least Helena Bonham Carter can step away from playing a psychotic, crazy-eyed, twig-covered forest witch in ANOTHER Tim Burton movie. But really, I'd rather Helena Bonham Carter put on her witch makeup from Big Fish to play Lindsay Lohan in a BBC4 biopic about the making of Lifetime's Liz & Dick.

And more importantly, when are we going to get a biopic about the life of von Ryan from the White Diamonds commercials?!

Look who's putting the "ho" in ho ho ho and the "mess" in Christmas! Yes, you can all thank me later for burning this exquisite and breathtaking image into your memory banks, and I know you won't hate me more when I point out that from the looks of Courtney Stodden's ass, Santa jizzes Dollar Store spray snow. I know we were all wondering, and you're welcome.

As a special holiday gift for us all, Courtneys mom wraps up some words of wisdom in a garish hot pink box with an oversized silver bow (she can't afford gold), and she doesn't sound at all like a delusional mess who's been downing Adderall and eggnog cocktails with her daughter (yes, she does). In an article on Huffington post, Courtney's mom, who does NOT have it going on, explains to us that her daughter is a timeless beauty, a victim of gorgeousness, and that she's HERE TO STAY. That sound you hear is not a hurricane, it's the collective exhale from every living creature on the planet in the knowledge that we can look forward to Slutty Santa, Easy Easter Bunny, Pussy Popping Patriot and Temptress Turkey for years to come. Yaaaaay.

“Courtney is the new Anna Nicole Smith, without the drugs. Everyone wants to be like Marilyn Monroe, but with Courtney the beauty comes from within -- like Pam Anderson and Farrah Fawcett.”

Me: Marilyn Monroe? Farrah Fawcett?? Jenna Jameson, MAYBE.

“It won't be 15 minutes of fame because it's an evergreen story. Courtney is so intriguing; she’s almost an addiction for people. Her light shines. When she walks into an event, it's incredible, as her mom and manager, to watch the reaction from people. There are so many horrible things we read, but when people meet her in person is so rewarding."

Me: It's kind of hard to ignore a barely legal bitch with her bits hanging out and her toes hanging over the end of her 12-inch lucite heels.

“She’s a victim of her own beauty. We need to understand all kinds of discrimination. It’s very sad.”

There is so much wrong with that last part, and I can't even see right now to comment because my eyes are rolling like a slot machine.

Behind me, there's a shelf full of bottles of jalapeño lube waiting to be used, because we were all promised a gold treasure chest full of more pictures of Prince Hot Ginge proudly representing the royal family in Las Vegas and so far we've gotten absolutely nothing. So take this next story with a grain of salt and then take another grain of salt and sprinkle it on your throbbing fuck parts so they can calm the hell down until further notice. I'm sitting on an entire salt lick, which is why my neighbors keep complaining to the super about the rank stench of dehydrated snails coming from under my apartment door.

Radar is hearing that some trick is thinking of selling a video they have of PHG hitting billiard balls with his crotch cue stick in his VIP suite at the Wynn that night. The seller is quietly whispering into the ears of media hos who might be interested in buying it, because they want to see how much it's worth. Radar's source said this about the supposed video:

“There is video of Harry partying naked with women in the Las Vegas hotel room. There have been some very quiet inquiries to see how much the video is worth. If the video goes public this could be the biggest Royal scandal ever. The video has not been shopped around yet, its existence is being kept as discreet as possible. With all the attention the photos got, the people with the video know it could be worth a fortune.”

Any trick with a video of PHG knighting the air by doing the dick slappy dance should either solve world peace by releasing it immediately (the world would put down their guns and pick up their peens) or keep it to themselves and shut up. If The Queen knows that a video (possible titles: The Prince and the HoGirls, Dirty Harry, Cockwork Orange, Gingermoon in Vegas, Harry is Here To Help You Fap, etc...) exists, she'll send MI6 to the US to handle a bitch and then the aliens will never know that true ecstasy existed on earth, because they'll never find the video after the apocalypse.

And in the meantime, at least we have the Naked Salute 4 Prince Harry Facebook page. Leave it to PHG's ginger goods to unite entire nations in nekkidness.