Dr. Oz

Speaking of meaningless titles that magazines give, because why not?

TIME celebrated their 100 Most Influential People at a gala in NYC last night and one of those most influential showed up looking like a terracotta Siamese Cat figurine covered in oil-based lacquer. You might be wondering how exactly is Xtina one of the most influential people of the year? Well, Xtina has influenced many to not wear leggings out in public and if you're going to wear leggings out in public, make sure to not bend over in front of a camera unless you want your ass to look like two baby warthogs butting heads under a Hefty bag. Xtina is also extremely influential, because she has influenced people to bleach the life out of their hair and throw all the make-up on their faces if they want to look like a demure oyster. And she's also influenced me to immediately buy a red lips mic stand, because it looks like a giant string of anal beads inspired by Mick Jagger's mouth.

See, Xtina is influenza (Freudian typo) in so many ways!

And here's the other most influential influentials being all influential at Time's most influential gala. Influentialness in order: Influentialtina, Lena Dunham (looking like one of Sleeping Beauty's fairies gone wrong), Robin Thicke's stand-in with Jessica Biel, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, Frank Ocean, Mia Farrow (wearing an outfit from the fashion label DontGiveAFuck) with her son, Mark Burnett with Roma "Touched By A Plastic Surgeon" Downey, Jimmy Fallon with his wife, Olivia Munn, Tracy Anderson, my mom's boo Dr. Oz and Barbara Walters.

Goopy Paltrow is obsessed with caca and Dr. Oz is obsessed with caca, so I don't even want to know what's in that martini glass....

Goopy Paltrow is still peddling her newest cookbook full of ingredients that you'll have to sell your internal organs to buy (Goop tip of the day: If you want to instantly lose 40 pounds, sell all your internal organs to buy all these fancy ingredients) and tomorrow she'll be on Dr. Oz. Since my mother is obsessed with Dr. Oz and thinks he's the greatest thing since apple cider vinegar (why are moms so into apple cider vinegar?), I'm sure she'll give me a play-by-play of this episode after she watches it tomorrow, but in the meantime E! has a preview.

Dr. Oz asked Goopy Paltrow what she thinks about hos calling her a "bad mom," because she puts her kids on an elimination diet and it leaves Moses starving like the original Moses after fasting for 40 days. But Goopy tells Dr. Oz that she doesn't put her kids on an elimination diet. Moses is allergic to gluten, so she doesn't give him that or anything that comes out of a cow's nipple.

"Well, it's actually not true. They're not on an elimination diet at all. What it is, is that my son has very bad eczema and he's allergic to gluten and he's allergic to cow dairy. I try at home to make everything gluten-free for him because the difference in his comfort is unbelievable when he's sticking to what he's meant to be eating. I don't know where they get some of this stuff! They say I don't give my kids carbs, and I'm feeding them seaweed…I have no idea. But they eat Oreos, too, and they're normal kids."

"I don't where they get some of this stuff!" Didn't "this stuff" come out of her talk hole?! Oh, Goopy, you probably remember the name of the weekend fromager at the invitation only cheese shop hidden in the basement of the Eiffel Tower, but you don't remember what you said about your own kids?

Nobody really thinks Goop is a bad mom. I mean, sure the last time she saw Moses bite on a Klondike, she made him spit it on the ground before she rinsed his mouth out with distilled kumquat water. But the last time Mama June saw Honey Boo Boo bite on a vegetable, she made her spit it on the ground before she rinsed her mouth out with melted butter. What I'm really saying is that Mama June and Goopy should go on Wife Swap. It's the reason television was invented.

Here's Goopy signing copies of her book at Williams-Sonoma (or as she calls it, "that place the bougies shop at") in NYC yesterday.

My mom is one of the most caring and sensitive people I know. Scratch that. Let me do that sentence again. My mom is the ONLY caring and sensitive person I know since everybody else I know is a straight-up bitch. There that's better. Even though my mom is a kind soul, she's never really fazed by the dumb-coated pieces of mangled trash that my mouth shits up on a regular basis. But one of the only times I saw her get sad on the inside over some crap I spewed up was when we were watching her personal God, Dr. Oz, on TV and I said that he looked like a functioning corpse. The look on her face jumped between "you just strangled my kitten with my favorite cardigan while pissing with the seat down in my guest bathroom" to "you better learn how to drop your neck into your body real quick because I'm about to choke you out."

She is serious about her Dr. Oz and I'm sure one of her dreams in life is to be his assistant of the day so she can gaze up at his apple chip face as he tells her to crawl through a Colossal Colon or some weird shit like that. That is why I cannot and refuse to analyze the possible appearance of Dr. Oz's crotch wizard in the pages of Good Housekeeping. Damn TMZ, damn Good Housekeeping and damn me for posting this:

If you show this to my mom, do not tell me about it. Because the next time I'm watching Dr. Oz with her, I do not want to know why her smile is extra smiley. No. All parties involved are wrong for this. I hate cameras, I hate paper, I hate magazines, I hate scanners, I hate upload buttons and I hate the Internet.