Or maybe that headline should be: Well, Now We Know What Kristen Bell And Dax Shepard's Favorite Division Of Ford Motors Is.
Nine months ago, Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard made a baby together while watching sloth porn (I'm guessing) and now that baby is here. Both Kristen and Dax tweeted the news today and slipped out the name they wrote on their first daughter's birth certificate. Unfortunately, they didn't write the name Slotherina Kickstarter.
Lincoln Bell Shepard. My brain has been sitting on that name for a good 40 minutes and I still don't know what to think about it. When I say the name "Lincoln Bell Shepard" out loud, it feels like I'm taking attendance. Those are three last names! They should've named her Liberty Bell or Ringa Mai Bell. Missed opportunity.
Dax and Kristen are kind of crazy, so I'm guessing that they decided a long time ago to name their kid after the character the Oscar winner for Best Actor played. Lincoln should feel lucky, because if Hugh Jackman won, her name would've been Jean Valjean Bell Shepard.
I always forget that Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell are bumping genitals and I guess they're still bumping genitals and all the genital bumping they're doing led to a fetus in Veronica Mars' womb. Dax and Kristen started doing it full-time in 2007 and they got engaged in 2009, but they have always said that they're pulling some Brangelina shit, because they're not getting married until everyone can get married. While they're waiting for that to happen, they made a baby. Dax and Kristen's rep confirms the news to People and said this:
“They’re so excited — they’re both ecstatic. They can’t wait to become parents. Kristen had a little bit of morning sickness early on but she just started shooting the second season of House of Lies and is feeling great now.”
I really, really hope that Veronica Mars lets Dax Shepard name their first kid. Dax's parents named him DAX and so he obviously has the give-a-baby-a-fucked-up-name gene and so Kristen should let him handle that. Besides, if a baby coming out of her poon is as exciting to Kristen as sloths, then she'll be too stunned with excitement to form words.
And because no story is complete without man nipples, here's a topless Dax shooting scenes for that When in Rome crap back in 2008. Dax always confuses me, because he's like equal parts Ashton Kutcher and Owen Wilson. I don't know if I would. Okay, I would. The leather belt dick is what did it for me.