Dallas

Almost 7 million people watched last night's grand return of Dallas on TNT (yeah, it took me a while to figure out what that is too), because what all of really need right now is to get lost into schemes, schemes, more schemes and Jesse Metcalfe's succulent man tits. Even though there was zero Victoria Principal and needed more campiness, more trashiness and more up-close shots of Jesse's spectacular tit turnovers bouncing up and down in slow motion, I actually liked it. But what that shit lacked in campiness, it made up for  in something even better. And that leads me to my top 5 favorite moments from last night's double episode. They're in no particular order and without commentary, because each moment coos for itself. Apologies for the low-budget ghettoness of the quality of each moment. My screen grabber broke and I had to take pictures with my iPhone, but I still had to share this shit with you. Click to perfection: