You have to be a special kind of infuckingsane to make the crazier fanboys at Comic-Con look like they're on the right side of sane, but Welsh actor and former piece of Sienna Miller Rhys Ifans managed to do just that before a screening for The Amazing Spider-Man. Rhys, who plays The Lizard in that shit, acted like a fourteen karat cunt when a member of his entourage (the word "entourage" has hit hard times when even Rhys has one) didn't have the right credentials and wasn't allowed into the screening. Rhys brought the bitch, shoved a woman to get in and declared that the United States of America sucks. Rhys was not only under the influence of stupidity, but he was also under the influence of the sweet nectar.
The Wrap says that Rhys was allowed to take part in the panel, but afterward a security guard did my favorite thing ever. The guard busted a CITIZEN'S ARREST on Rhys' ass. Sometimes when I'm bonging with friends, the good shit smoke floats into my brain, unlocks my bucket list and makes me want to issue a CITIZEN'S ARREST on one of them for smoking an illegal substance. You know, just so I can say I CITIZEN'S ARRESTED bitch. Better yet, can you CITIZEN'S ARREST yourself? That's a question for another pass 'n puff party....
Lt. Andra Brown explained the details of Rhys' act of drunk dumbassery like this: "He was aggressive and belligerent. He was... berating everyone from the security staff to the United States of America. He was cited and released, which is a non-custodial misdemeanor arrest. But, according to him, the U.S. sucks and he doesn't want to come back."
Sony apologized for this mess and the San Diego District Attorney will later decide if they want to press charges.
When you're in the US, promoting an American movie made an American production company that lined your checking account with American dollars, maybe it's not a good idea to say that the US can suck your hairy twat nuts (which I'm sure look exactly like his hairy face).
I swear, I'm parking my ass at Comic-Con next year. Last year, nerds stabbed each other with BICs and this year Sienna Miller's old fuck buddy got CITIZEN'S ARRESTED by a security guard. Comic-Con is where the real tragic cunt theatrics are.
Let's all bow our heads in mourning and pour one out for She-Ra's horse Crystal Swift Wind who was brutally butchered by the first lady of crazy Ty Ty Banks. If She-Ra wasn't just a plastic action figure who lives on a shelf in my closet, she'd avenge the murder of her best friend. Look at that crazy ass murdering bitch smiling a crazy smile while wearing Crystal Swift Wind's wing as a trophy. It's truly a sad day. R.I.P. Crystal Swift Wind.
Ty Ty tried to explain that mess of a bedazzled wing on her eye during an interview with Good Morning America to promote her teen fiction novel called Modelland. Ty Ty put the sparkle on the crazy when she explained it like this:
"So at Modelland, this fantasy world I've created for my novel, if you find one of these, which I call a Smize. It increase your chances of getting into the most exclusive school in the entire world. The school that creates that the most amazing supermodels called Intoxibellas. It increases your chances by 91%."
No bitch, it only increases your chances of looking like a damn fool by 91%. Why didn't that wing do its job and make her face fly away?
If the sparkles from a crazy diamond could speak words, they'd say every single thing Paz de la Huerta said in her interview with The New York Times. The glorious goddess of grease who always looks like she's got the whiskey wakes had a few words for her haters (including her own sister) and talked about the time that the spirit of Elvis' finger banged her at Graceland. Spaz has got the crazy of Courtney Love and the ice cold conceitedness of January Jones. Everything that comes out of her insane mouth hole just makes me scream YES!
On the second season of Boardwalk Empire and how chicks throw daggers at her bare nipples with their tongues: "I can’t share much about the show, but hopefully some of these women who resent me for being naked or in little to nothing will be pleased that I’m knocked up, and they’ll pay attention to the performance. Women have said the most malicious, disgusting things about me. But I know that when somebody comments about you, good or bad, it is 99 percent of the time their projection of how they feel about themselves. Even my own sister treats me worse than somebody would treat a rat. She actually likes rats, so worse than that."
On how her older sister tried to murder her when she was a fetus: "Even when I was in my womb she used to punch my mother’s stomach. She did not want me born. I’m working on my relationship with my mother and father, but my upbringing has been very destructive. They’re all Scorpios — my mother, my father and my sister."
On how she got ghost fucked by Elvis: "I was with my ex-boyfriend [Scott Weiland] and had to beg him to go to Graceland. I felt like he was jealous of Elvis because I’ve always been infatuated by him, which is hysterical because he’s passed away. So I went to his recording studio because sometimes the sensitive people feel him in this room, and I stood in this corner and I felt him. What can I say? I felt him touch me. I mean, come on, he’s a ghost. I felt his spirit go through me and give me pleasure. I experienced that when my cat died. She waited until I got home from Sundance, and she passed away the second she was in my arms, and I felt her spirit go through my body. But this was different. It was like Elvis was tickling me with a feather."
See what I mean? Accusing her sister of trying to commit abortion via bump punching? Making us imagine the spirit of Elvis in the body of Whoop Goldberg, tickling at her coochie while Scott Weiland slurs out "Unchained Melody." Crazy ass Spaz is always talking like she's a hungover shithouse rat (the one rat her sister hates) who really needs a fucking cigarette. I hope Spaz's vocal cords work forever so she can keep spitting out magical crap like this.
To quote my abuelita while watching one of her novellas: PERRA LOCA!
Casey Anthony is locked up in jail until this Sunday, but the voices inside Shireen Nalley's head didn't let her in on that little fact. News9.com reports that rage and revenge took over Shireen's crazy gene when she walked into a convenience store in Chouteau, Oklahoma on Friday night and spotted Sammay Blackwell working behind the counter. Police say that Shireen thought she was looking into the murderous eyes of an acquitted baby murderer. Shireen paid for her gas and calmly walked out. Sammay got a weird vibe from Shireen but didn't think anything of it. Insert Suspense Cat here.
After Sammay's shift ended, she got into her car and was about to make her way home to her daughter named (insert Suspense Cat: The Sequel here) CAYLEE! (Do not whisper that piece of information to any of Shireen's personalities.) When Sammay turned her head to back out, she saw the crazy burning white fire into Shireen's eyes. Sammay backed out and drove away, but Shireen wasn't going to let "Casey Anthony" off that easy. Shireen rammed her car into Sammay's truck causing it to flip over two and a half times. Sammay played dead in her truck until the police showed up.
The police think Shireen was high on the bad shit and one officer claims that she said she hit Sammay's truck to "save the children" and stop "the killing of babies." Sammay believes that Shireen thought she was Casey Anthony.
Shireen was charged with assault and battery with a deadly weapon, leaving the scene of a vehicle collision, resisting arrest, reckless driving and for believing that all white people look the same.
First of all, Sammay is a really hot name and that's what I'd name my next dog if I wasn't afraid that Shireen would run over it with her car. Second of all, my nutsack looks more like Casey Anthony than Sammay does. Third of all, Giada DeWhatever better change her face STAT because it looks more and more likely that Casey Anthony will go under the knife to look like her.
Fourth of all, I didn't think I'd ever say this to a black woman ever, but I'm mistaking Shireen for Nancy Grace right about now. Yes, Shireen sort of looks like Kyle Massey, but her Nancy Grace gene is the dominant one.
Michael Todd, the bassist for the band Coheed and Cambria (Google them, you dumb fuck!), earned himself the perfect "I knew I hit rock bottom when..." story to tell in rehab yesterday when he robbed a Walgreens pharmacy for some OxyContin just hours before his band opened for Soundgarden at the Comcast Center in Mansfield, Massachusetts.
The New York Post reports that at about 1pm on Sunday, Michael Todd did the withdrawal strut into a Walgreens in Attleboro and showed a pharmacy employee a note on his cell phone that said he will detonate a bomb if they don't hand over a bunch of OxyContin pills. After the employee handed Michael six bottles of Oxy, he jumped into a taxi and headed back to the venue. With a little help from the taxi dispatcher, the police tracked Michael down at the Comcast Center and busted him for armed robbery and possession of a controlled substance. The band went on without him and later said this on their Tumblr:
Michael Todd was arrested today on what we consider very serious charges and therefore he will not be finishing up the current tour. Wes Styles, long time member of the Coheed family will take on bass duties starting tomorrow for the remaining dates. No shows will be canceled.
We are surprised to say the least and will address the situation with Michael after the tour. For now, we just want to have a great time out here and finish with some killer shows in Boston, Poughkeepsie, Quebec City and Halifax.
Why in hillbilly hell did this happen? Couldn't Michael Todd have politely asked for some Oxy on his tour rider? Couldn't Michael Todd sniff up Chris Cornell's ass in hopes that maybe just maybe he'd snort up some bad shit that never made it out? Couldn't Michael Todd just snort up a line of OxyClean and cotton bits and just told his brain to believe (detonate the GONG for that one, I deserve it). Couldn't Michael Todd have done ANYTHING besides rob a damn Walgreens and use a taxi as a getaway car?! Those who say that the worst side effect for drug addiction is dumbfuckery might be right.
And Michael Todd's sad mug shot just says it all. That's the same look Harper Seven is going to make when she realizes that Posh & Becks named her Harper Seven.
In case you needed a reason for not having 8 chirruns at once, here's Ann Curry wishing she had a Ritalin hose while trying to control the OctoKids on Today this morning. Shit was just a hilarious mess. It's what it would look like if a blind man tried to herd two dozen cats out of a catnip field. One OctoKid stumbled out onto the NYC street to live the real life Baby's Day Out, another one went for the Darwin Award by trying to smash into the window, another one tried to make a meal out of Ann's knee and the others sat there trying to wish themselves out of the crazy.
Meanwhile, OctoMom's stupid ass is blinded by insanity and is rambling on and on and on while her toddlers are in the process of either murdering themselves or others. BITCH, SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE YOUR KIDS ARE BRINGING THE STUDIO DOWN! I know that Octo is just a natural born lunatic, but having all those toddlers around is like injecting steroids into her crazy gene. Octo just needs to put all of them into a cardboard box and hand them out in front of a Babies 'R Us, because this is not going to end well.
And Octo's future psychiatrists don't need to waste ink when writing about her current mental state in her file. They just need to throw this picture in there. It explains everything.
How do they not have a reality show?! TLC is slipping!
The 10-minute long clip above is not an SNL sketch starring Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch, Fred Armisen and Will Ferrell. It's the ring leader of the Casey Anthony Circus, Nancy Grace, and her company of crazed freaks verbally smearing shit on their padded walls over a Florida jury's decision to acquit the object of their lunacy: Tot Mom. Nancy disappointed me earlier when she creepily calm about the Casey Anthony shit, but the deranged bitch made up for it on her show later on when she declared that the devil is dancing tonight! Yup, the devil definitely dropped it low to the sound of a bow of insanity scratching against Nancy's vocal cords. YES!
Watching the ends of Nancy's Labyrinth wig catch on fire over this mess is my new favorite sport, but that's not the best part. The best part is when that Sue Moss nut job opens her mouth and out comes a sandpaper sack full of screeching squirrels. It's what it would sound like if Donald Trump scream coughed into a Gilbert Gottfried fart. If hos really want to punish Casey Anthony, they should just play Sue's voice on loud speakers in front of her house every morning. That is a voice that'll make you dig into the wooden floor boards with your fingernails to find the gateway to Hell.
And now that Casey Anthony is probably going to go free, can we end this sexual tension by putting her in a cage with Nancy Grace! Nancy has been rage flirting with Casey for YEARS and that's the only reasonable way it should all end.
Or, more specifically, the White Devil. REPORTED for racism. TMZ just broke the story that some lame ass group called SwagSec who thinks they can "take back the internet" by posting rambling incoherent shit on a crackhead's website hacked into Amy Winehouse's official site today and spooged a bunch of hateful words all over the place (screengrab below), because they wanted to "take back the internet from the white devil."
I take great issue with this!! First of all, Amy may not BE CHRISSSSCHUUUN but I think It's safe to say that she's less the Lord of Darkness and more like the Baglady or Homeless Drunk of Darkness. Pretty much harmless, really. ALSO I would like to point out that she's more nicotine yellow than she is white. And finally, you can take something, but you can't take it back if it wasn't yours in the first place. The only man qualified to take back the internet is Al Gore, dumbasses.
According to Showbiz Spy, the lovely, petite, not-bloated-and-saggy-at-all flower known as Courtney Love has been unceremoniously plucked from the garden of Henry Allsopp (godson of Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall) while she was trying to get her roots on. The source says she moved in with him last November after they'd been slobbering on each other for about a month, but his family freaked the hell out so he Weed-Be-Gone'd that bitch.
I can't imagine why the royal family would not welcome the eternally elegant Courtney with open arms, but alas the title of Lady Love eludes her. She said that “These days I’m only interested in plutocrats,” which makes sense because you know there are SO many billionaires who would love to put a fresh daisy like Court in their lapel. You fluff up those petals and go, girl!
A Cage was shuffled off to the mental hospital yesterday and minds were blown with release when we all learned it wasn't Nicolas.
Nicolas Cage's 20-year-old son Weston did not have a good day yesterday. TMZ reports that it all started when Weston got into a screaming fight with his new wife Nikki ending with her performing Ginger's "I'M GOING! I'M GOING" scene from Casino and leaving their house. So Weston was already sitting right next to rage when he had lunch with his personal trainer at The Farmer's Market in Hollywood later in the afternoon.
Weston wanted to order something off the menu and his trainer wouldn't let him. Note to all: When Weston Cage wants to order the grilled decapitated pigeon heads and sacrificial goat hearts with a white wine vinaigrette, LET HIM. It will save you from trying to block a roundhouse kick from a goth prince. That's exactly what Weston did. A source says that Weston lost his mind and tried to kick his trainer like a scorned Chinese lady on a public bus. Even after Weston's trainer took him down and tried to whisper some calm into him, he continued with his freakout.
The cops arrived and threatened to turn Weston's dick bush into his dad's hair by tasering him. Weston had a "Don't tase me, bro" epiphany and finally cooled his shit. Instead of taking him to jail, the cops took him to a local hospital for a mental health evaluation. Weston's dad flew into town yesterday to be with his son and has put all of his plans on hold to stay with him indefinitely.
It's not known if Weston was on the wrong stuff, but the waitstaff at the restaurant thinks he was under the influence of something.
Weston shouldn't feel bad. This is what Kristie Alley used to do when her trainer didn't let her eat carbs. Her eyes would turn black, the clouds would cover the sun, animals within a 2-mile radius would run for cover and Maryann Forrester from True Blood could be heard cackling in the distance. It happens.
Weston is in good hands now and hopefully he's getting the crazy tamed. You know what my abuelita used to do to soothe the nerves? She would go into the backyard, murder bees with her chankla, hike up her house dress and then she'd sting herself in the leg with its stinger. And she not once screamed, "No las abejas!!!!" It was more like the bees screamed, "No a la abuela!!!"