Liz & Dick has only been shooting for a few days, but I'm sure you've already overdosed on every tiny little detail and pictures from that shit. Try to take in one more post, because this quote is just too perfect, too hilarious and TOO much. Salvador Pérez, Liz & Dick's costume designer, talked to People about transforming an L.A. County Jail legend into a Hollywood legend. Make sure there's a soft mat on the floor below you, because you will fall out of your chair after reading Salvador's reaction to seeing LiLo as La Liz for the first time:
"There was an audible gasp. You’d swear it was Elizabeth. She just walked into the clothes and became Elizabeth Taylor."
I'm sure that audible gasp sounded a lot like the audible gasp you'd make while watching a runaway train careen toward you in slow motion. It was a "....the fuck did I get myself into?" kind of gasp. But I love Salvador for that. I laughed so hard that tears welled up in my eyes and temporarily blurred my version. And you know, in that blurry moment, that picture of LiLo sort of did look like Elizabeth Taylor!
Oh, and Salvador also said that LiLo's waist is 23 inches. Oh, that Salvador. Bitch just wants us to laugh until piss shoots out of our eye holes. And here's a few more pictures from yesterday's shoot. Either the whole thing takes place on a boat or Lifetime got their Hollywood legends mixed up and they're really making a Natalie Wood biopic instead.
Above is a video of hundreds of Norwegian girls sounding like a flock of seagulls fighting over a piece of rotten lutefisk (yes, that's a metaphor for all of this) while chasing after a van carrying The Lesbeaver. The blonde tornado of insanity started when it was announced that Justin Bieber would give a free four-song concert outside of the Oslo Opera House last night. Thousands of girls jumped out of their panties and ran through the streets trampling everything and anything in their way. It was the running of the Biebers and those crazies didn't care who they took out. Oslo's mayor Fabian Stang was quoted as saying that it was the most embarrassing Hunger Games his city has ever hosted. May the odds ever Bieb in your favor.
TMZ says that shit got so crazy that the police almost declared a state of emergency in Oslo. Mayor Fabian Stang even had to hide behind a tree so he wouldn't get trampled on. When all was screamed and done, 49 teen girls were injured including 14 who had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. The mayor said none of the girls were seriously injured, but he's still investigating that mess:
"I have already called on the Emergency Planning Agency to examine the entire event from the planning stage to its implementation. We have to find out what went wrong and why it happened."
Um. Mayor Stang doesn't need to put together a task force to find out what happened yesterday. The debilitating mental illness that is Bieber Fever caused this. There's no preventing it and there's no stopping it. Can you imagine having to go down to the hospital because your teen daughter twisted her ankle while jumping over a police barricade to get to The Lesbeaver? Talk about a family's shame. That's worse than getting knocked up by your 12th grade English teacher.
Now let's all laugh at these stupid girls as we stroke the scar we got from elbowing a trick in the mouth to get to the front of the line at Sam Goody to buy New Kids tickets. Remember when you had to buy concert tickets at the damn music store?
And here's Le Lesbeaver arriving in Paris after terrorizing Norway.
Since Frances Bean's iPhone has a Crazy Ass Bitch Blocker App and redirects all calls from Courtney Love to the nearest lunatic asylum, Courtney has to use Twitter to throw a sowwy at her own "biological" (copyright: Frances Bean Cobain) daughter. Courtney started this mess last week when she brain queefed up the gross rumor that Dave Grohl took his obsession with Kurt Cobain to SUCIO levels by screwing on Frances Bean. Frances Bean calmly responded by saying that somebody really needs to strap straitjacket gloves on Courtney's hands and keep her away from Twitter. Well, Frances' calm smack down must have temporarily knocked the crazy out of Courtney, because she went on her other Twitter account yesterday to apologize:
Bean, sorry I believed the gossip.. Mommy loves you
— Courtney Love Cobain (@Courtney) April 14, 2012
Mark yesterday as the first day in modern history that the bat litter box called Courtney's head actually had a moment of clarity. I'd like to think that this will teach Courtney to never believe one of the voices in her head after she snorts a crushed homemade Adderall pill she made using a Lohan family recipe, but it won't. Stay tuned for more fuckery from this crazy bitch.
One time I was on the G train (short for the Godthistrainisnevercominganditwouldvebeenfastertogetarideonaparaplegicdonkey train) in Brooklyn and some crazy subway prophet kept ranting at the mouth about how all of our sinful souls will one day rot under Lucifer's foreskin. You know, the typical feel-good morning sermon you usually hear from crazies on the subway. In between him calling us heathen pieces of peen cheese, he incoherently sang some song and doing this made him sound like he was speaking pig latin in tongues. So basically, he sounded like Nicki Minaj. This mess went on for way too long. Sometimes, a subway rider can't control their nerves anymore and will shout at the crazy to shut their verbal diarrhea hole. That's never a good move, because fighting crazy with crazy makes the crazy crazier. That didn't happen, but something bizarre did happen. A woman wearing a sensible business suit got up, walked over to the subway prophet, put her hand on his shoulder and told him he can stop now, because we've all heard his message. It didn't work and he kept spewing the shit, but I slow clapped her on the inside for handling that shit in a classy way. Well, Frances Bean is that woman in a sensible business suit, because last night she calmly told Courtney Love to shut the fuck up.
Courtney Love went too far, even for Courtney Love, in one of her late-night Twitter rantings when she accused Dave Grohl of trying to sex on Kurt Cobain through Frances Bean's coochie. Dave Grohl already denied that mess, and last night Frances Bean released a statement where she said that Twitter needs to close and lock their doors to crazy ass Courtney:
"While I'm generally silent on the affairs of my biological mother, her recent tirade has taken a gross turn. I have never been approached by Dave Grohl in more than a platonic way. I'm in a monogamous relationship and very happy.
Twitter should ban my mother."
"Biological mother." HA. If Courtney Love had any feeling left in her sedated face, she would've felt that swift and quick slap. But like the sensible business woman on the train, Frances Bean's reasonable statement is going to shut Courtney up. When the Twitter train pulls into the next stop, Courtney will get on and start rambling about how Dave Grohl's dick is a pendulum that is hypnotizing Frances Bean into hating her. #staybatshitcrazycourt
When you mix Twitter, no shame and Xanax powder cut with roach poison, you get the mess of words that Courtney Love spewed onto the Internet last night. Courtney and Dave Grohl have been scrappin' ever since Kurt Cobain died and she's long accused him of stealing her money, and last night she accused him of trying to hump on 19-year-old Frances Bean. Just when you think Courtney can't possibly out-crazy herself, the crazy bitch does it and then some. Do they make straitjacket covers for laptops, because if they do, Courtney's laptop needs one.
Tweeting under the name @Cbabymichelle, Courtney told her followers that she heard from a driver who drove Frances Bean and Dave Grohl to his house that he was all over her in the back of the car. Courtney then goes on and on and on, and reading her Tweets is like watching a hamster on meth repeatedly vomit while running on the wheel. Courtney protected her account, but Gawker got screen shots of the crazy and put it all in order so your brain doesn't completely melt while trying to make sense of this foolery:
Reliable source? Bitch, I'd hardly call the visions you see after smoking an Adderall pill out of your old crack pipe a "reliable source." Court is not only saying that Dave Grohl committed a WRONG by hitting on Kurt's daughter, but she's also saying that Dave is sexually obsessed with Kurt? Like since Dave Grohl can't rub his wet nipples all over Kurt, he's going to rub them all over Kurt's daughter? I throw myself onto Court's crazy train every time it pulls into my station, but bitch is going too far now. Especially when she said that Dave Grohl rode Kurt's coattails, when this insane ho burned her heels off from riding Kurt's coattails waterski-style.
The best part is that the @davegrohl Courtney kept Tweeting is some Germany student. The second best part is that Courtney didn't even know she set herself up when she Tweeted: "him i am about to shoot, dead." That'll bring her Nirvana victim count to a grand total of two.
I've heard some people say that every marriage should have to be approved by a mental health professional before it's made legal. I don't agree with that mess, because if I should ever catch Anderson Cooper in a drunken, confused state and I get him to marry me, the last thing I need is some government therapist bitch knocking some reason into his head. But this story is making me change my mind.....
Abigail of the UK might be the ultimate Twihard and mental hospitals should consider naming their Twihard wings after her. Abigail is so dedicated to the sparkle that she wanted her wedding to look like Twilight jizzed all over it. Abigail wore a copy of Bella's wedding dress to her reception, made her husband Andy wear a tuxedo like Edward's, used the Twilight soundtrack for her ceremony music and used the Twilight movies as inspiration for her flowers, cake and decorations. Yes, if Abigail was my cousin, I'd get her a wedding gift of his and hers straitjackets, but her wedding reception isn't the craziest shit she did.
Examiner says that Abigail somehow convinced her new husband to legally change his last name to Cullen. Andy agreed and so now they're known as Mr. & Mrs. Cullen. Abigail Cullen says that her husband has been a good sport about her addiction to Twilight.
The truth is, the Twilight-themed wedding isn't that insane, now that I remember that I've seen pictures from an Avatar-themed wedding, but the name change shit is some serious commitment to crazy. She must have a pussy made out of glitter that makes him break the headboard or she must have something on him. This is the deal breaker of all deal breakers. Somebody get these two a romantic honeymoon to Bellevue! Better yet, get them a romantic boat ride for two, so he can fake his death Sleeping with the Enemy-style. Well, if you're ever hating life you can take comfort in knowing that somewhere in the UK, Andy Cullen is hating life more.
TMZ says that OctoMom is a quick second away from being put out on the curb, because she hasn't paid the mortgage on her house in La Habra, CA and it's headed for the auction block on Thursday. So what's a fame whoring mother of a baby brigade supposed to do to put her seventy million chirruns into a new house? Get them titties out for a British tabloid, of course! Closer Magazine (via DM) handed Octo a $10,000 check to pay the rent on her new house and she gave them this image that is probably making your throat give birth to an octoheave.
Octo didn't only bare her temple of a million fetuses body for Closer, she also talked to them about how she's a wonderful mother and how even though her uterus is KO'ed out for good, her body magically bounced back after she hatched out 8 kids.
On how everybody sees her as a crazy bitch who shouldn't even be in charge of raising 8 Tamagotchis, but she's really the epitome of a perfect mother: "The kids have structure and discipline and only eat healthily, they don’t know what candy is! I’ve done a really great job with them. I don’t get any credit."
On how she dims her natural sexy so that men won't hit on her: "I get too much male attention, but I won’t date until the octuplets are 18 - I live for them. I know a lot of women like male attention, but I’ll go out with no make-up on and wear tracksuits, a wig and even a fake pregnancy stomach to put them off."
On how she eats like a horse (pause for your laugh) and how her body is like a rubber band: "I just pinged back into shape like a rubber band after the kids, I don’t know how I did it. I eat like a horse, don’t count calories and have never owned a set of scales. I gained an entire human when I was pregnant with the octuplets, going from 10st (140lbs) to over 19st (266lbs), but two months later, I was a size 8 again. Now, I never weigh myself."
Yup, bitch is still crazy. Men aren't slobbering over her with their eyes, they're running from her insane ass, because they're afraid that if they stand too close they'll knock her ass up. Bitch's body didn't magically ping back into shape, unless by "ping back into shape" she means that a plastic surgeon pulled her stomach skin all the way up to her neck. Sadly, even after the entire Extreme Makeover: Home Edition crew renovated her body, she still has two gorilla landing strips for brows. How dreadful. Octo should take some of that $10k and use it to pay for a date with an eyebrow artiste. So she won't look like a topless Groucho Marx the next time she poses half-naked for rent money.
TMZ posted another video of Invisible Children co-founder and KONY 2012 director Jason Russell in the middle of a naked mental breakdown on the streets of San Diego and to answer the question floating in the gutters in your brain: there's zero signs of fapping and no VP (visible peen). It's pretty crystal meth clear that Jason's mind is in another dimension in this clip, but damn, he's giving BODY, snapping for the children, twerking it out and reading the devil with a whole lot of sass. Turn to the left, now turn to the right.
None of us should judge a ho, because who hasn't looked sort of like this while tweaking out under a disco ball at the White Party? This might be wrong of me to say ("That hasn't stopped you before and it won't stop you now, you lukewarm cunt!" - you to me), but this video might have convinced me to put down the Sourdough Jack (or "Sourdough Yack" as my mom calls it) and do a crunch or fifty. Because it's more than likely that I will one day have a nipples-out "OH GURL!" meltdown in public and when it gets uploaded to YouTube, I want my body to look as tight as this.
A couple of weeks ago your Facebook feed was probably covered with that KONY 2012 video and now I'm sure it's covered with this craziness right here. TMZ is on this shit and got a hold of a short clip of KONY 2012's director and Invisible Children co-founder Jason Russell having a balls-out meltdown near SeaWorld. Unless dude's peen is a few feet long and he faps by pounding it against the sidewalk, I don't see any masturbation shit. Jason is currently in the hospital on a Code Cheetos (aka 5150 psychiatric hold) for obvious reasons.
If you didn't tell me this dude was having a naked King Kong breakdown, I'd probably just think it was a hippie doing naked yoga on a Thursday afternoon.
Stop me if you've heard this before, crazy bitch of all crazy bitches Courtney Love is freaking out over absolutely nothing again. The Muppets do a cover of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" in their newest movie and they paid for that shit as well as getting permission from Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic. But the flaming hobo trash can in Courtney's head has sparked out the idea that The Muppets have "raped" the memory of Kurt Cobain by bastardizing one of his songs without getting her permission. Looks like Courtney is doing big things with that certificate she got from Kim Novak's Night School of Overreacting.
TMZ says that smoking wallpaper glue out of an incense holder must have burned the memory box in Courtney's brain, because she gave a music company called Primary Wave the exclusive rights to distribute all of Nirvana's catalog. The producers of The Muppets paid Primary Wave who dropped a percentage into Courtney and Frances Bean's hands.
Beaker is a meth head who desperately needs some Frizze Ease in his life, but a rapist he is not. Courtney better watch it. The Muppets are highly trained detectives and I doubt she wants them sniffing into the mysterious death of Kurt Cobain. If Courtney truly cares about crimes against Nirvanity, she'd watch last night's The Voice. Two "hyena in heat" impersonators dragged "Heart-Shaped Box" out into the alley and slowly strangled the life out of it with the ropes of shit that came out of their mouths. Call the WAHMBULANCE on that, Court!