Crazy

Earlier, I linked to this story from InTouch about how West Coast mess turned East Coast mess Amanda Bynes was walking around the main area of Beach Bum Tanning in NYC with nothing but her crazy showing. Bitch was all the way naked. Everyone who was there now knows if the hair on her ass lips is blond, dirt blond or doody blond. Everyone who was there now knows if she's got silver dolla nipples or quarter nipples. They know Amanda like that. I didn't think anything of it, because for a crazy who spent 2 hours in a dressing room and locked herself in a cupcake shop bathroom for 30 minutes, pulling some Lady Godiva Gone Crazy shit in the middle of a tanning salon didn't seem that bizarre to me. But Amanda tells UsWeekly that InTouch must be downing the same crazy pills she is, because she was never naked in a tanning salon. Multi-millionaire retirees don't do that!

"I'm suing In Touch for printing a fake story. I'm not 'troubled.' I don't get naked in public. I'm 26, a multi-millionaire, retired. Please respect my privacy."

That is the line of the day and we should all use it every chance we get. No, I'm not 26, I'm not a multi-millionaire and I'm not retired (although I do sit around in my underwear all day and constantly yell at everybody, so that can be argued), but I'm still going to use that line. The next time my credit card company calls and asks why I haven't paid my bill in 3 months, I'll just say, "I'm 26, a multi-millionaire, retired. Please respect my privacy." That'll stop them.

And I believe Amanda. Amanda wasn't naked. Amanda was wearing an invisible cloak that she created with her MIND. Multi-millionaire retirees have those kind of powers.

Actor, foolery maker and comedian Richard Belzer was on Fox 5's Good Day New York today, which is sort of surprising since I can't believe they have time to interview guests in between giving us the weather every 3 seconds. But anyway, they had Richard Belzer on to talk about Law & Order: SVU and stuff, and who ever is in charge of hitting the bleep button nearly had an aneurysm in their censorin' finger when he started making jokes about ass rape. Richard also topped his ass rape joke by giving out a special "Heil, gurl, Heil" to Fox News.

The ridiculousness started when one viewer said that Good Day New York's co-host Dave Price looks like a clone of Richard Belzer. (Side note: I definitely have different eyeballs than that viewer, because I don't see it at all. Richard Belzer looks more like a mix of white Obama and a scholarly Galapagos turtle to me.) Co-host Rosanna Scotto said that Dave should play Richard's brother on SVU and Richard responded with: "If he gets molested and banged in the ass."

The side-eyes and nervous laughs from the hosts was Richard Belzer's cue to say goodbye, so he did it by making the Nazi salute for Dave and Rosanna's colleagues at the other Fox division. Richard's rep told TMZ that it was all just a joke: "[It was] satirical gesture toward Fox News ... whose ideology he is opposed to. The other portion was a joke pertaining to the material of Richard's TV show, which he tweaked at the last minute to make about furniture. A joke is a joke." 

What an irresponsible, stupid and dangerous thing to do! If Mad Mel Gibson was watching with the sound off and didn't know Richard Belzer was Jewish, he'd want to bang Richard in the ass before Jacuzzi. In this day and age, the Nazi salute is also sign language for "Please bang me in the ass before Jacuzzi, Mel Gibson." Richard should know better. For shame.

"She's pretty much Elizabeth Taylor reincarnated" is the line that came out of Grant Bowler's mouth in this behind-the-scenes shit for Lifetime's Liz & Dick and I can't believe those words came out of his talk hole without his family and loved ones showing up in the frame to calmly take his hand and walk him to rehab since he's obviously beyond high on the wrong stuff. After Grant spit up that butt corn of delusion, I totally expected to see a giant net fall over his body and for him to scream as two men in white coats dragged him to a waiting van, because he's talking CRAZY!

Does his ass even know what "reincarnated" means? Maybe he thinks it means that Lindsay Lohan has taken Elizabeth Taylor's image, butchered it until it's barely recognizable and then sold it in pieces at a carniceria in the valley, because if that's what he mean then he's making sense.

How can Grant say that mess of words when he's sitting there staring at Lindsay Lohan looking more like Elizabloat Taylor than Elizabeth Taylor. Whatever it is LiLo gave you to snort, Grant, stop it before more loads of crazy spew out of your mouth and before your nose looks like this:

It wasn't NOT funny!

(pic of Mr. Busted Coke Nose via DM)

There are two things Lil' Wayne hates the most. Lil' Wayne hates his arch nemesis Gizmo and he hates stupid ass questions lawyers put in his ears. The Gremlin of Louisiana is suing Quincy Jones' son Quincy Delightt Jones III (that name just made my ass lips pucker out pineapple juice) over a documentary about him. Lil' Wayne was all about the documentary for a while, but took several steps away from it after he felt it focused too much on the escandalosoness in his life. Lil' Wayne now hates the documentary and wants all of his music removed from it. So he threw a lawsuit at Young Quincy and during the deposition, he acted like he would rather be brushing his teeth than answering questions and that's saying a lot.

TMZ got a hold of the deposition tapes of Quincy's lawyer Pete Ross started asking a bunch of basic questions that could've been answered just by checking Lil' Wayne's Wiki page. Wayne answered almost every question with the smart side of his ass. Here's a piece of the not-give-a-fuck hilariousness Wayne threw at Pete Ross while sitting in front of a judge:

Pete Ross: (After playing a clip of Wayne's interview with Katie Couric) "Is that an interview that you actually gave with Katie Couric?"

Wayne: "Is that an interview I actually gave with Katie Couric? What's your name again?"

Pete Ross: (laughs) "That's not the question."

Wayne: (to his lawyer): "What's his name?"

Wayne's lawyer: "Pete Ross."

Wayne: "Pete Ross, that's a stupid ass question. You just saw me on there giving an interview with her."

It gets better and you should really watch the whole thing, because this mess is entertainment. Wayne keeps rolling his eyes, puts his head on the table and continues to not give three shits about the questions coming his way. At the end of the clip, Wayne kind of threatens Pete Ross by tipping his head toward the judge while saying, "He can't save you out there." When Pete Ross asks what does he mean by that, Wayne just says, "I was talking to myself."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS BITCH is trolling.

If I ever have a 13-year-old brat ass kid and that 13-year-old brat ass kid actually sits down to dinner and I asked him how his day was, the conversation would look a lot like this. Wayne is a stupid bag of douches and I would say I l-o-v-youknowtherest him for it, but if I said that, I'd probably find myself knocked up with his baby. You know how fertile his gremlin ass is.

Because the Fall of Robsten conspiracies are the new 9/11 conspiracies, Jenni Maier at Mashable burped up this hilariously ridiculous video as proof that Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Rupert Sanders and Liberty Ross all manufactured the escandalosoness to bump up their careers. Nobody knew who Liberty Ross was before her husband munched on KStew's box in a Mini Cooper, but now she's suddenly walking the Alexander Wang show at NYFW. Nobody really knew who Rupert Sanders was and now everybody including my mom (who barely knows my first name and sometimes calls me by her cat's name on accident) knows his name. Both RPattz and KStew had non-Twilight movies to promote, so it all makes sense! Well, it makes sense after you smoke a couple of bowls and freebase the Twihard juice. You don't want to know what Twihard juice is. It's not so much juice as it is cream. I'll stop.

Jenni at Mashable asked the second thing I asked after watching this video. The first thing I asked myself was, "Why am I watching this video? Wouldn't straightening then crimping my pubes be a better use of my time?" The second thing I asked myself was, "If they were all in it together, why would they need to doctor the pictures? Couldn't KStew just pose in them herself?" Jenni straightened her tin foil visor and answered that question poking at my brain:

According to this video, Rupert Sanders helped stage these photos with the help of an anonymous women. Clever editing shows that the notorious photos featured in Us Weekly don’t match up to photos of the real location. There are all kinds of scale issues with Rupert Sanders and Kristen Stewart’s height — and it’s easy to get caught up in what this video’s trying to imply.

But what doesn’t make sense to me is why would they fake the photos? That seems like an incredibly immense undertaking that would bring this conspiracy to a whole new level. Not only does it mean Rupert Sanders (and his anonymous henchmen) framed Kristen Stewart, but also that they had a reason to do so.

Not to mention that Kristen Stewart apologized for these photos within 24 hours of the news breaking – and hours before the issue of Us Weekly even hit newstands. So why would she apologize for something so devastating that she hadn’t done so quickly. Wouldn’t this be the kind of issue that would cause marketing teams to come up with an elaborate PR strategy to deflect negative attention from Kristen? A strategy that would probably take an entire day (at the very least) to create.

Commenters allude to the fact that blackmail could be involved and that could be the reason she apologized so quickly.

BLACKMAIL?! Any conspiracy theory that involves BLACKMAIL is my kind of conspiracy theory. That's some Alexis Carrington shit right there. But in order to believe any of these conspiracy theories, we also have to believe that Kristen Stewart isn't six layers of boring who is only capable of drooling on herself, biting at her lip, blinking and making mouth love to a fully loaded bong. Once I see a detailed video disproving that theory, I'll consider believing the other theories.

For now, the only thing this video proves is that when you mix together a Twihard, the music of Jet, Google Street View and an all-night meth binge, fucked up things happen.

via HuffPo 

I was going to say that Nutty Madam gives me life, but then I realized that YAAASSSS-ing at this video means I officially have no life and am not capable of ever getting one. And this right here needs to play on a loop in the waiting room of every mental hospital's Twihard Ward.

(Thanks, Lynn)

On CNN last night, viewers watched what happens when an angry midget monkey and a smug, soft dick in a suit start talking about MURDER! Robert Blake was on Piers Morgan to whore out his memoirs where he writes about Our Gang, Baretta and other things, and it seems like Piers just wanted to talk about those other things including his wife's murder. Robert was found not guilty of Bonnie Lee Bakley's murder, but was found liable in a civil suit. I don't know if Robert murdered his wife, but if he did and got away with it, he should probably keep his tiny turtle lips shut and just fake cry uncontrollably anytime somebody brings it up. But on last night's show, Robert didn't keep his lips shut up about it and when after a bitch.

In the clip above, Robert's ass lips start to boil when he thinks Piers is accusing him of being a teller of lies and said, "I've never allowed anyone to ask me the questions you're asking." Robert tells Piers that he chose him for the interview, because he trusted him and Robert assumed Piers would trust him. Robert then said the line I'm going to use every time I want to change the subject with a bitch: "Then we better start talking about The Little Rascals."

In the clip below, Piers keeps pressing into the murder of Bonnie Lee Bakley and Robert sits there with his arms crossed like a cunty toddler sitting in a full diaper As Piers tries to dig deeper into his wife's murder, Robert puts his hand on Piers' shovel and says that the case is boring and irrelevant. Robert says that his wife's death isn't the most significant part of his life. It's like watching an elderly chihuahua growl at an empty douche bottle.

I couldn't find a clip of it, but later on in the interview, Robert calls Piers "Charlie Potatoes" (definition: a bitch who thinks he's hot shit) and keeps calling him Charlie for the rest of the night. Robert later said that Bonnie was a con artist and she was most likely murdered by someone she fucked over in the past.

The whole interview can be summed up in 2 words: U MAD?

I love that asshole Piers kept poking a trick. I love that asshole Robert poked back. And I really love that Robert looked like Elmer Fudd going to a gay cowboy bar. I really hope that when Piers sat his desk this morning, he found a gift basket from Robert full of a Little Rascals DVD, a butt dildo shaped like a middle finger and documents for Piers to legally change his name to Charlie Potatoes.

"As with all my new pets, I gently bit each kitten on the face. This is how I let my animals know that I am now their mother." - Martha Stewart on biting her kitten's face

via The Martha Blog (Thanks, Amanda)

Liz & Dick has only been shooting for a few days, but I'm sure you've already overdosed on every tiny little detail and pictures from that shit. Try to take in one more post, because this quote is just too perfect, too hilarious and TOO much. Salvador Pérez, Liz & Dick's costume designer, talked to People about transforming an L.A. County Jail legend into a Hollywood legend. Make sure there's a soft mat on the floor below you, because you will fall out of your chair after reading Salvador's reaction to seeing LiLo as La Liz for the first time:

"There was an audible gasp. You’d swear it was Elizabeth. She just walked into the clothes and became Elizabeth Taylor."

I'm sure that audible gasp sounded a lot like the audible gasp you'd make while watching a runaway train careen toward you in slow motion. It was a "....the fuck did I get myself into?" kind of gasp. But I love Salvador for that. I laughed so hard that tears welled up in my eyes and temporarily blurred my version. And you know, in that blurry moment, that picture of LiLo sort of did look like Elizabeth Taylor!

Oh, and Salvador also said that LiLo's waist is 23 inches. Oh, that Salvador. Bitch just wants us to laugh until piss shoots out of our eye holes. And here's a few more pictures from yesterday's shoot. Either the whole thing takes place on a boat or Lifetime got their Hollywood legends mixed up and they're really making a Natalie Wood biopic instead.

Above is a video of hundreds of Norwegian girls sounding like a flock of seagulls fighting over a piece of rotten lutefisk (yes, that's a metaphor for all of this) while chasing after a van carrying The Lesbeaver. The blonde tornado of insanity started when it was announced that Justin Bieber would give a free four-song concert outside of the Oslo Opera House last night. Thousands of girls jumped out of their panties and ran through the streets trampling everything and anything in their way. It was the running of the Biebers and those crazies didn't care who they took out. Oslo's mayor Fabian Stang was quoted as saying that it was the most embarrassing Hunger Games his city has ever hosted. May the odds ever Bieb in your favor.

TMZ says that shit got so crazy that the police almost declared a state of emergency in Oslo. Mayor Fabian Stang even had to hide behind a tree so he wouldn't get trampled on. When all was screamed and done, 49 teen girls were injured including 14 who had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. The mayor said none of the girls were seriously injured, but he's still investigating that mess:

"I have already called on the Emergency Planning Agency to examine the entire event from the planning stage to its implementation. We have to find out what went wrong and why it happened."

Um. Mayor Stang doesn't need to put together a task force to find out what happened yesterday. The debilitating mental illness that is Bieber Fever caused this. There's no preventing it and there's no stopping it. Can you imagine having to go down to the hospital because your teen daughter twisted her ankle while jumping over a police barricade to get to The Lesbeaver? Talk about a family's shame. That's worse than getting knocked up by your 12th grade English teacher.

Now let's all laugh at these stupid girls as we stroke the scar we got from elbowing a trick in the mouth to get to the front of the line at Sam Goody to buy New Kids tickets. Remember when you had to buy concert tickets at the damn music store?

And here's Le Lesbeaver arriving in Paris after terrorizing Norway.