26-year-old Brandon Ray Adams is sitting a jail cell today after he was arrested for ALLEGEDLY ALLEGEDLY ALLEGEDLY (shout that from a Vuvuzela) kidnapping Jeremy London in Palm Springs and forcing him to smoke crack and become the Robin Hood of the "gang areas" by handing out free booze. Brandon pleaded "not guilty" yesterday. Well, there's a chance that Jeremy might be joining Brandon in jail to relive the precious moments they shared together, because there's a warrant out for his arrest. The warrant has nothing to do with the Palm Springs incident, though.
Radar reports that Jeremy is currently on probation for a DUI from 2004. This past January, Jeremy was slapped with driving without a license. When Jeremy didn't show up to court to face the charge, a bench warrant was issued for his arrest. The warrant is still out.
Meanwhile, Brandon's friends and neighbors say that Jeremy London pulled that Six Feet Under shit out of his ass. While they believe that Brandon and Jeremy smoked crack together, they don't think their friend would ever force the dude from 7th Heaven to breathe in the bad shit smoke. One of Brandon's friends, Captain Obvious, added, "The guy (Jeremy) just said he was forced to smoke because he knew drugs were in his system."
If Jeremy needed to throw someone in front of the cops, he didn't need to grab Brandon. Has Jeremy ever heard of the infamous Crackhead Leprechaun of Mobile, Alabama? Everybody knows how that shifty little leprechaun crackie works. It sits in the trees just waiting for an innocent victim to pass by, so it can drag them back to his crackhouse under the rainbow and turn them. Ask Wino! Ask Doherty! Ask Whitney! And if Jeremy pointed his finger at the Crackhead Leprechaun, we'd all win because we'd get more of the Crackhead Leprechaun on the news! Well, everybody would win except for Jeremy's internal organs since he's probably a crackhead and all....
And will somebody please tell Mischa Barton to stop driving around Palm Springs with a flat tire. Luck is not going to strike twice! Especially for her!
Do you remember that episode of Six Feet Under where David Fisher was kidnapped by a psycho who forced him to smoke crack and then later doused him in gasoline? Well, Jeremy
Jackson London of Party of Five and 7th Heaven claims the same thing happened to him, but without the gasoline part. Jeremy is telling police that he was kidnapped in Palm Springs last Thursday and was forced to smoke crack and buy booze for gang members. On three: Let's all turn our heads to the right and slowly throw that picture of Jeremy a "Have you been watching HBO again?" side-eye. 1..2...3!
Radar reports that Jeremy told police officers that he was trying to change a flat tire outside of the Bahama Hotel. Two men pulled up, and Jeremy thought they were going to help him but they forced him into his own car with a gun instead. They drove Jeremy around and terrorized him with a small gun.
Sgt. Douglas told Radar, "He told officers (during the kidnapping) that he was forced to smoke dope and then purchase booze and hand it out in a gang area of Palm Springs."
Jeremy escaped at around 3 in the morning and ran to get help. The police later found his car. Two suspects were arrested and charged with kidnapping. A source added, "Jeremy said it was a terrorizing experience. He spent hours thinking he was going to die and he did what he had to do not to end up shot or dead."
Jeremy recently talked to People Magazine about his addiction to prescription pills. In 2004, he was arrested after cops pulled him over and found him carrying the bad shit.
This is seriously every shade of weird. How did they drive around in his car if he had a flat tire? What kind of self-respecting crackheads share their shit? And can Jeremy give me directions to the "gang area" of Palm Springs where I can get free booze handed to me?
And in Los Angeles somewhere, Lindsay Lohan just thought to herself, "Why didn't I think of that?!"
Scientists and doctors confirm that two full straight out with Courtney Love will leave your brain damaged beyond repair, and my two semi-working brain cells are already searching for the exit so I think I'll stay away from her Behind the Music which airs this Monday. But I did manage to get through this preview without my medulla oblongata filing for emancipation, but I'm sure it came close.
This mess is like Courtney's Facebook rants come to life. While watching it I felt like I was a 10-year-old runaway sitting in a darkened freight train headed towards Texas and listening to some crazed hobo rattle on about how he used to be a big time rock star back in the day before the dragon got a hold of his soul.
If it's way too early for you to see Courtney in moving picture form, I've written up some of her best quotes below. The crackie does know how to spit out a quote for the ages:
"I get this shit, because I'm the only fucking chick standing. And I'm a crazy bitch, and I'm a widow. And it makes me sick. It's fucking pathetic. Stop it, or I'll fucking kill you!"
"They begged me to get an abortion. I knew full well that my zygote was fine. Full fucking well, so I was like suck it."
"Don't call your band Nine Inch Nails if you've got a three inch one. My band is called Hole. It's not called Little Hole. It's not called Big Hole. It's not called Flapping Noni. It's not called Teeny Rose Bud. It's not called Barbie Pussy. It's called Hole."
"I was asking someone, Why does Rohypnol have such a bad rap? And they said, 'Well, memory loss.' Well, that's what happens when I meet someone and I don't know if I hate them, like them, or what. But I know it's something... Did I fuck 'em? I don't know."
Barbie Pussy. I mean, what else needs to be said?
You know how when an A-list superstar signs up to a movie and other A-list superstars also sign up because they like to stick together (just throw me a "yes" and keep walking with me)? Well, that's what is happening to Celebrity Rehab right now.
Yesterday, it was reported that The Empress of Lucite is floating into Celebrity Rehab, and today my favorite Pointer Sister, Bonnie Pointer, lifted her hand up from the dumpster and yelled, "ME TOO!"
TMZ says that Bonnie, who has a history of snorting anything that comes in a vial or Ziploc bag, is joining the cast! The ratings are about to soar higher than Bonnie's state of mind the day after her royalty check comes in!
I mean, Shauna and Bonnie under the same roof? Heaven is really apologizing to us for taking Rue McClanahan too soon. Shauna and Bonnie are totally going to bond over their intense love of lip liner, which will lead to them starting a disco duo! Every strip club that accepts food stamps as tips better clear their schedule, because a new headliner is about to come through!
And if you've never shook hands with Bonnie's brand of crack crack craziness, then watch this video of her at work from a few of months ago. It will turn you into a believer:
Blohan on that picture of her in Cannes with a few lines of the bad shit patiently waiting for her to spend a little time with them:
“What!?? That's a set up that's so untrue.”
We're all Miss Cleo today, because we all saw this excuse in our crystal ball this morning. What's so wrong with just saying, "Yes, it's coke, you fucking bitches. It's my prom!" Or at least come up with something different and say you were making apology cookies to give to your judge. Bitch needs a new song.
It's MORE than one line of the bad shit neatly laid out on a mirror! So...TMZ got a hold of these lovely pictures of totally the totally sober and pristine Lindsay Lohan working hard for that no-money in Cannes while "promoting" the Linda Lovelace movie with two orphans she rescued from the bottom of a dumpster.
I wonder what kind of excuse Blohan's going to pull out of her nostril to explain why she's got a DIY snorter in her hand and why Charlie Sheen's breakfast of choice is sitting on that table. You know she's going to queef about how this is a promo shot for the Linda Lovelace movie and it's actually lines of Equal not coke.
I might believe her, because is it really possible for Blohan to leave lines of cocaine on a table long enough to take a picture? Bitch's nostrils are always HONGRAY so you would think they would've sucked that shit up as soon as it came out of the vial. And if her nose didn't devour that mess, her Elvira Hancooch would've sucked it up along with that glass of naranja juice. Two doses of vitamin C!
After the jump is a NSFWish picture of Blohan getting into some chocolate crack. JUMP!
A judge has already threatened to throw Lindsay Lohan into a jail cell if she doesn't show up to court in Beverly Hills tomorrow morning for her DUI progress hearing. LiLo should work on her perfecting her perp walk, because there's no way she's going to make it to California by tomorrow morning.
TMZ says that LiLo is still in Cannes and is claiming that someone stole her passport. LiLo tried to get on a flight yesterday, but it was impossible seeing as though she didn't have a goddamn motherfucking passport! And they even refused to let her board the plane when she screamed at them, "You are fucking bitches! This is my prom!" The nerve.
LiLo's lawyer, Shawn Chapman Holley, tells TMZ: "I was on the phone with Lindsay's assistant the entire night and we're doing everything we can to resolve this issue and get her back to L.A. Lindsay is distraught because it was her intention to get back to L.A. today to do more alcohol education classes today and appear in court tomorrow."
LiLo is supposed to go to the U.S. Embassy tomorrow to get a new passport. We'll see how that goes.
Nobody stole that bitch's passport! What happened was that LiLo couldn't find a spoon or a dollar bill, so she rolled that shit up to get a snort in. She's resourceful like that. Well, LiLo's nostrils got more suction than a power bottom's b-hole, so it sucked her passport right up. Yes, her nostril ate her passport! Someone just needs to hit her in the back of the head and that shit will come shooting out along with Ali Lohan's youth and White Oprah's common sense.
When Courtney Love isn't spilling her shit all over Twitter, she's spilling her skid mark stained chonies all over the floor at Heathrow Airport. Apparently, Courtney brought her crazy act to Heathrow when she started throw her panties and bras all over the place while repacking her luggage. Even homeless dudes with shopping carts full of used kitty litter and broken Precious Moments figurines think this bitch is crazy. The New York Post's Cindy Adams says:
At Heathrow, heading for here, a total meltdown. Sprawled on the floor, packing and repacking her luggage -- bras and panties under people's feet.
And in the crowded hall shrieking . . . shrieking . . . at her assistant: "I told you already to get rid of that f - - - ing Burberry scarf. I'm keeping the Chloe."
Then, eight hours of performance art in first class, which is always enjoyable to make a flight go faster. Again, screaming into coach where her poor harried assistant sat: "Why are you just sitting there? What are you doing about my Kindle? I need a charger cable for my Kindle."
Are we sure Courtney even has an assistant? I would've be surprised if she was yelling at an imaginary assistant while swatting at the bugs in her hair. Those bugs are trying to dig into her brain so that they can eat her thoughts and run back to her enemies. So I totally understand why she would swat at them.
And if Courtney really does have an assistant I hope for his sake he's 90% deaf in both ears and knows someone with unlimited amounts of Morphine. Actually, I think I just described Courtney herself.
Earlier this morning, Courtney Love posted an open Tweet to her estranged daughter Frances Bean that was longer than her mental health file. Courtney will probably have to smoke cigarettes with her toes for the rest of the day, because bitch wore her fingers out on this rant. This is the kind of rambling you'd hear from a crazy hobo sipping on a 40 wrapped in a paper bag outside of a 7-Eleven on a Sunday afternoon.
Courtney's boy advice for Frances is below, but you don't want to handle this on an empty stomach. And by that I mean fill yourself with mind-altering substances before you go in. Put yourself on an even playing field, because if you don't this will give you migraines in your eyeballs:
last of my twitter relapse, bean i saw you at coachella with isaihia in a pic he looks sweet and like your dad actually.hope alls well i hope he takes care of you and you look beuatiful even thoiugh you have an angry furrow i think thats called your "lawyer lie" furrow! sorry to state this publically but i wont stand accused of such implications or tolerate making 3 on worst mothers list. thanks to this, no. i love you and i will fight for you i though if i bore up and was sxtrong for six mos youd get over it but obviously its just inflamed you, the last thing i lpok forewArd to in this life is any trial but im a good mother and i wont allow you to believe such nonsense so suit up. lets try and use judy so i dont have to fucking go on TWITTER. i dont even use this thing and im sure this will be in some bs news feed i love you soprry to take to the world wide ethernet but i love you and i dont know how to tell you without telling one of the pack , madly. i really hope that boy is as nice as his sweet face, cos iff not ill get him, your just like me in almost every way and i know you hate it, theres plenty of fish in the sea lining up for both of us who will treat us like princesses& not like 2nd class citizens, or damaged goods if he cant suit up and have a balanced perspective and if hes just blindly being a beta male , ick if hes an alpha and hes treating you bad i will give him one of my very special looks reserved for those whose blood needs to turn to ice, even i have a breaking point and i walk. and i give the look before i walk they never see it coming, they think im so vulnerable because i am and then after treating me like shitBAM i know you have that in you, if hes not treating you like the Goddess you are baby , get the hell out, do not settle. do NOT settle. give them a little time and if they dont man up then woman out, thats my advice to you and dont date a slave, or an assnt, thats no fun you asked me if i was being "treated well" i cant say on twitter, im sad i said anything but trusting 18 year olds to translate is nightmare so cryptically between us ill tell you on the fb page since you care, im not an enabler & im not enabled, so thats all, its never my frame. when its not your frame it sucks, i have as you can imagine vast vast abandonement issues wich make me weaker than normal. i wish i was stronger and i am getting my strength together to cut anything beneath me. if its not worthy of me i will cut. ok?Nuff said. but because of this nonsense and then my archetype and job and "batshitness" im always the bad one, as usual, always the street girl. like a backstreet girl, and sometimes like a bitch, and its not allowed anymore, i have summed up the courage to just go if that goes on. with any man ever, again, youve seen it done to me before seen someones try to acquitre me like apiece of art or tame me like a puppy. i know what kind of boy youve always liked, and im afraid of you falling into the trap of simply being worshipped and not having an equal. how shallow is he? how much is about you making him cool? NOTHING? awesome! dont buy yourself jewelry EVER. ive told you that. dont get him presents and dont vye for him, dont overtext( im very guilty of that one i think its a letter and its NOT they hate it) allofem you shouldnt have to vye for him, dont dont dont stay with him if hes a beta, you need to be challenged, kept in line just a little. and again im extremely sorry to use TWITTER but i saw you holding hands in Coachella wich was coach HELLA for me, and my stomach turned. i know you are mad at me for not marrying e. but he never made me laugh.maqke sure you laugh alot, and try to have a spiritual connection ! your relationships should not be abput getting "saved" they should be as strong and secure as your relationship to yourself. love yourself 1 autonomy . carrie once said when you were just 4 youd be like me looking for the big hug, BE THE MAN YOU WANT TO MARRY! BE IT! i pray everyday you will chant again, & find your way back to the law of cause & affect and be wise enough to see our karma &transform it so at the very least please clear my name i dont think you . i know you dont want other people to think things that arent true. again my deepest apologies for using twitter for fucks sake, i dont even use it anymore but i cannot trust 18 year olds to be accurate w you dont take any shit from that boy, and dont have an assnt as a bf, have a peer, if hes not a prince and a MAN he doesnt deserve you, period. and if as a MAN he doesnt treat you like the GOddess you ARE. cut it, lastly i miss you more than anyone has ever missed anyone.so much. im going to chant now ill pribably delete half of these but the boy stuff you need to hear only from me, wendy is too boycrazy.
Are you still alive?
Seriously, why can't crazy ass Courtney scream this shit outside of Frances Bean's bedroom window in the middle of the night like a normal person?! Even the Twitter Whale threw up his fins and gave up after Courtney's 50th Tweet in a row.
Even though Lindsay Lohan was out till 2am doing Boilermakers with White Oprah, she still managed to roll off the bathroom floor this morning, pick her dentures out of the toilet, slip on a pair of silk boxer shorts and show up to her deposition today. And she was only 22 minutes late! It's a miracle.
LiLo was a no-show to two previously scheduled depositions, so she had to show up today or she would automatically lose the case. LiLo is being sued by a trio of dudes who claim she held them hostage in an SUV during a car chase.
Yes, everyone in the room had to tape a Glade Plug-In to their nose because White Oprah and LiLo reeked like the inside of a Port-A-Potty on the last day of a Juggalo festival in August, but at least they showed up! Yes, LiLo's lawyer had to dump a Dixie cup full of water in White Oprah's head because she dozed off halfway through and started snoring, but at least they showed up! Yes, LiLo stormed out of the room when everyone laughed after she stated the year of her birth, but at least they showed up! Progress (not really)!