Crackheads

Hernia survivor and avid porn star collector Charlie Sheen supposedly texted a sort of statement to Radar's executive editor right before he crippled every drug dealer's source of income by checking into rehab last night. It sounds like Charlie's counselors are going to have a really good time with him. Especially when he attacks a chandelier after finding out the rehab clinic doesn't have a 24-hour porn theater or a community crack pipe. Hopefully, the employee water cooler at the rehab clinic is spiked with Xanax.

This is what Charlie supposedly had to say:

"I'm fine. People don't seem to get it.... Guy can't have a great time and do his job also? Bunch of turds.”

Most of bitch's internal organs probably wish they were turds so they could slide out of his asshole towards freedom. Charlie is right, though. If he wants to watch fuck films for 10 hours straight while increasing his daughter's future therapy bills with every puff from a crack pipe, then that's his shit! If he wants to write some porn star a $30,000 check JUST BECAUSE, then let him. And yeah, Charlie did just that. File that under: things you only do when you're under the influence of CRACK. Screw the bailout and fart on college. Being one of Charlie's porn star pieces is where the real money is at. Stuff your titties into a pink latex bra and get in line. I'll be the one in the blonde kitchen ass wig.

Russell Simmons and Courtney Love are supposedly friends. You know, he OMs OMs OMs into the sky on a yoga mat while kissing the sun with his spirit animal (or whatever) and Courtney sits in the corner having a serious conversation with a hallowed Buddha statue about how she believes aliens abducted her real daughter and replaced her with an impostor (yes, Court thinks Invasion of the Body Snatchers is a documentary).

Even though Russell and Courtney have no problem touching nipples when they kiss on both cheeks in public, he still thinks the inside of her head looks like the community vom bin in a crack house. When Page Six asked Russell what he thought about Court Tweeting her crime scene nekkidness, he said:

"I think she is a sweet girl . . . It's probably exciting to be a crackhead, I wouldn't say I was a crackhead but I did smoke a lot of crack. I had fun smoking a lot of angel dust . . . Right now I'm a monk. I'm boring, I'm on a green juice fast at this moment so I'm a little high now. I had a double shot of ginger, which makes you a little flighty."

Now we have an explanation for Russell's marriage to Kimora.

And when Page Six told Courtney about what Russell said, she responded with:

"I'm fairly insulted that he associates me with that drug. What does that mean?"

It means you always act like a fucking crackhead. Damn. It's like we have to spell it out for her in crack smoke signals.

I love it on Cops when the officer tells the crackhead that they are acting kind of high and the crackhead says something like, "What do you mean I'm acting high? What do you mean I have the shakes? What do you mean my breath smells like death farted on my tonsils? What do you mean? What do you mean?" One of the first signs that you're dealing with a crackhead is a severe case of defensiveness.

But in all seriousness, Court has every right to feel insulted about being associated with that drug. Crack is whack. Now if Russell called her a cokehead or a Lokohead, that would be different.

In case you are in the middle of writing a letter to President Obama asking him to address the greatest example of human suffering since Carvelocaust 2010, you can scratch out the part about how your precious child has been denied of the medications she needs to SURVIVE! Because TMZ reports that Lindsay Lohan will get her daily dose of Ambien and Adderall while spending 14 days in jail. YAY! Jail sounds fun. I can barely get my doctor to prescribe me a Mento, let alone order a refill for my Ambien prescription. I should switch free clinics.

Even though the mouth on the giant keloid on Michael Lohan's neck said that prescriptions meds are keeping LiLo down, doctors still think she needs them. Ambien and Adderall aren't the only delicious things LiLo will get to eat in the clink. With her prison dollars, LiLo will be able to buy a Commissary snack pack which includes:

Spicy Velveeta Refried Beans
Spam
Kit Kat Bar
Vanilla Creme Cookies
Cheese Curls (11 oz)
Country Time Rasp./Lemon. (6 oz)
Lime Chili Ramen
Flour Tortillas
Cupcake SS

When LiLo gets up in the afternoon, she'll snort a line of Adderall and then spend the next 8 hours spreading chewed up Cheese Curls on her skin to keep her Oompa Loompa glow alive. Then she'll swallow an Ambien before polishing off an entire can of Spicy Velveeta Refried Beans with pieces of Spam in it. When she wakes up from her Ambien coma, she won't remember anything and she'll do it all over again. And the bitch in the room (aka The Valtrex Suite) next to LiLo is Alexis Neiers, the reality ho who tried to rob her house. So there's even a trick in there for LiLo to curse out when she's feeling bored! That's like living in a dream that lasts 14 days. The crackhead version of Inception!

Lindsay Lohan, seen here Photoshopped to Fuck U and back on Complex Magazine, is living in a fantasy dream world where she thinks that she's going to skip into court tomorrow morning and Judge Marsha will tell her that Fudgie the Whale has agreed to serve her 90-day jail sentence for her. Fudgie will tell LiLo that he owes this to her for wronging her family. Then Judge Marsha is going to snap her fingers and LiLo's Scram anklet will explode into a cloud of whiskey-coated Adderall pills! Yes, this is what's going to happen.

A source tells TMZ that even though LiLo's lawyer Robert Shapiro has told everyone that she will start serving her jail sentence tomorrow, she still doesn't think that she's going to spend a second behind bars. LiLo's thought bubble of delusion is carrying the idea that Robert Shapiro will convince Judge Marsha to magically erase her sentence.

Meanwhile, instead of doing internet research on how to make fake tanner out of prison cheese and roach guts, LiLo is Twittering about her ex-father:

I don't want my ex-father anywhere near me no matter where I am. He is crazy and scares me.
about 16 hours ago via UberTwitter

I don't want Michael Lohan Sr. anywhere near me, no matter where I am. I am in a great place and he only brings negativity in my world.
about 16 hours ago via UberTwitter

IN A GREAT PLACE?! Did she Tweet that from the bottom of a Jack Daniels bottle? I mean, this trick is going to jail and she thinks everything is just pink dildos and pretty lalalalas. Although in her defense, being locked up without White Oprah around to sniff your asshole for a quarter does sound kind of great.

Here's a few more pictures of LiLo getting molested by Mickey Mouse (symbolism) in Complex.

Vh1 has announced the cast for Dr. Drew's Hour of Crackheaded Foolery and it looks like season four will be filled with zero celebrities and zero rehab, but a whole lot of potent fuckery to the tenth degree! And you can trust me when I say that most of the fuckery will be flowing out of the lemur goblin known as Frankie Lons.

Everything you need to know about Frankie can be found here. Dr. Drew better tighten his tie, because Frankie will be swinging around that shit like it was a stripper pole by episode two! I also can't wait for the episode when Dr. Drew finds out what happens when you feed Frankie after dark.

Even though Celebrity Rehab can shoot an entire season with just Frankie, she will have some company. Sadly, the Empress of Lucite is not in the cast, but this is for the best. Shauna really doesn't want to break the hearts of a bunch of crackheads when they fall in love with her at first sight, which they will. Shauna cares too much to put someone through that.

Frankie's supporting cast will include: Janice Dickinson, Jason "They Forced Me To Smoke Crack" London, Gummi Bear, Jason Wahler from Laguna Beach, Leif Garrett and Tiger Woods' #1 mistress whore Rachel Uchitel.

Yes, Janice and Frankie in the same house together. This is probably not going to end well. A few weeks into shooting, the police will receive a 911 call from the clinic. The cops will arrive at the clinic and find it completely empty except for a camcorder on the floor. When they push play on the camcorder, they'll see Dr. Drew facing a corner with his back to them. Then they will hear Janice and Frankie cackling together before the tape goes to black. Blair Witch doesn't have shit on Frankie or Janice.

(Frankie's beautiful portrait via FreddYo)

Since Dreamboat Doherty decided to throw the media a twist by giving them a headline to write besides the usual of "Troubled Pete Doherty is in handcuffs", he has shuffled off to a hospital in France to be spend a little time there. The crust of my scab was supposed to perform at the Theatre de Verdure in Nice last night, but that shit was canceled at the last minute. Dreamy's fans were simply told le crackhead had been le hospitalized. No other details were given as to why Dreamy's veins are suckling up morphine in the hospital.

The Toronto Sun says that Dreamy's were madder than fish grease, "Three young Italian girls were really mad. They drove four hours from Italy to see Pete Doherty and couldn't believe the gig was cancelled. One of them was really furious and shouted, 'I can't believe he did that! It cost us time and money to come all the way from Italy.'"

Couldn't believe it?! Are these Italian girls freebasing the same shit as Dreamy? Going to a Dreamboat show is like sucking the dick of cokehead. When you're about to lick on the eye of a cokey cock, there's a good chance that the bitch isn't even going to lift its head and give you one note. That is why you should always book a second peen for the night just in case that cokey cock refuses to perform. Bitches should know this!

Here's Dreamy in Paris right before going off to the hospital. As usual, Dreamy looks like he smells of dryer sheets, kitten necks and the petal of a rose after a cloud tear has kissed it. Swoon. And Swoon.

You know what Jeremy London's "kidnapped and forced to smoke crack" saga has been missing? Well, except for the truth. It's been missing a big ass fucking tree, and now we've finally got one! Right after Jeremy supposedly escaped from his kidnappers (HA!), he showed up to a Ramada Inn at 2 in the morning. The clerk on duty at the time told Radar that Jeremy was tweaked out of his skull and acting all sorts of wrong. Why wasn't this shit recorded in front of a live studio audience?!

The clerk said (this really needs a laugh track), "I was at the front desk and suddenly I looked outside and there's this grown man clawing his way up one of the trees. He kept trying to shimmy his way up but he couldn't do it."

Jeremy finally gave up and he went into the lobby and told the clerk, "Do you know who I am? I'm Jeremy London. I need a room."

There's a question on the SATs that asks, "Do You Know Who I Am?" with a picture of Jeremy London next to it. The correct answer is "NO." So obviously, Jeremy didn't do too well on his SATs.

And I know I've mentioned the Crackhead Leprechaun in a Jeremy London post before, but now with this tree climbing shit it's confirmed that they are one in the same. Seriously, has Jeremy ever been to Mobile, Alabama?

That sketch and Jeremy do have the same eyes.....

We've already heard and laughed at Jeremy London and his wife's versions of the night they claim they were kidnapped at gunpoint, smoked to force crack and hand out booze in the "gang areas" of Palm Springs. Oh, and how the crackhead making kidnappers politely drove his wife home after she got scared and started crying. Well, Jeremy's alleged kidnapper Brandon Adams has burped out his side of the shit, and guess what....it's totally fucking the opposite of everything Jeremy is saying! Those crackheads should really cut their shit with Gingko so they remember every single detail of their alleged kidnapping.

In a jailhouse interview with Radar, Brandon says that nobody was kidnapped and nobody smoked crack. Brandon says that it all started in front of a 7-11 (doesn't it always?) on a Thursday afternoon. Brandon and his uncle were begging for beers when Jeremy London and his wife Melissa rolled up in their car. Brandon says that Jeremy and Melissa were looking cracked up, down, sideways and every other which way. As Jeremy and Melissa were acting all kinds of tweaky in the parking lot, a cop car drove up and the two immediately ran inside the 7-11.

A few minutes later, Brandon and his uncle realized that nobody was going to gift them with free beer so they started walking to the bus stop. When they got to the bus stop they spotted Jeremy and Melissa trying to change the flat tire on their car in an alley way. Brandon and his uncle offered to help them. Once they helped them change the tire, they asked for a ride and they all got in. That's also when the party started. Brandon went on to say, "As soon as we got in the car, Jeremy asked us if we could get him five xanax and five oxycontin. Melissa was asking for xanax too. I told him I could hook him up but that I wanted a couple of beers. He agreed."

After they dropped Melissa off at home, they went in search for oxy, but they got booze first. Brandon said they got drunk as hell and started driving around his neighborhood in Palm Springs handing out beer to the locals. Jeremy eventually lost his buzz and he started getting hongray for that narcotic. Brandon says, "I hadn't been able to get any xanax or oxycontins up to that point, but I was finally able to get him three ecstasy and three xanax pills. He took all six pills at once. He was out of his mind high."

Eventually, Jeremy drove Brandon back to his apartment and met his wife and SIX KIDS. Brandon then drove Jeremy to a hotel and he figured that was that. But now Brandon is in a jail cell trying to fend off Pookie with a bed sheet, and he's also facing like in the chokey.

I didn't even grow to love Brandon as Julia's husband on Party of Five and I still believe his story more than Jeremy's.

But why would Jeremy tell the cops that the alleged kidnappers forced him to smoke crack when they actually forced his mouth open and shoved delicious xanax and delicious ecstasy in it instead? HOLD THE FUCK, Watson. Maybe there's another set of kidnappers who snatched Jeremy and his wife first and THEY are the ones who forced them to smoke crack. And then they left Jeremy and Melissa at the 7-11 where Brandon and his uncle snatched them up. That must be it. Tell Detective La Toya I'll be waiting for my badge at graduation.

And hearing about all this free crack and xanax going around makes me feel really stupid for actually paying for my crack and xanax.

If an emotion called jealousy filled you up after reading about how Jeremy London's kidnappers forced him to smoke crack, then find yourself a car with a flat tire and hit the streets of Palm Springs, because apparently that kind of shit happens all the time! That's what Jeremy's wife Melissa seems to think anyway. In an interview with Radar, Melissa says that the nay-saying bitches out there should stop fucking them with the doubt stick, because it could happen to you. "PLEASE LET IT HAPPEN TO ME!!!" - Lindsay Lohan

Melissa, who was also kidnapped but later driven home after she started crying, says that she is scared for her life still, because the cops have yet to find two of the kidnapping crackhead makers. Brandon Adams was already arrested and charged with stealing an idea from an episode of Six Feet Under.

Melissa went on to pull all of our dicks, “This is real. Jeremy’s still in shock. He was very scared. People don’t understand that police only have one of the guys in custody. There are still two suspects out there. We’re very scared. I just hope this never happens to them. Police told us this is the new thing to do down here (Ed note: The police didn't tell them that)... rob people at gunpoint and make them do drugs so they won’t be reliable witnesses. It’s happening more and more.

We’re working with police to get the other two guys behind bars. Brandon Adams has already given a partial confession. As a woman and as a mother, I just want these people behind bars.”

Oh, and about that "mother" part. Melissa and Jeremy lost custody of their son Lyrik, because they named him Lyrik. No, they lost custody because of their addiction to the bad shit. Surprise, surprise.

This whole shit just keeps getting crazier and crazier. But what's even crazier is that this is my 4th post about Jeremy London! It's as if someone kidnapped me in the parking lot of a Jack in the Box and forced me to write about him over and over again. I wish they would force me to smoke crack instead. Oh, well. Maybe next time since this is the new thing.

And the detectives on this case should really investigate as to whether Melissa is in fact a plastic ventriloquist's dummy made by the makers of the Real Doll (SPOILER ALERT: She is).

Jeremy London's remake of that Six Feet Under episode where David Fisher gets kidnapped and is forced to smoke crack just got a rewrite! The only way this saga could get more unbelievable is if it turns out Jeremy London is telling the truth! In case a gun-toting crackhead kidnapped you and forced you smoke to the bad shit so you could forget all about this story, let me drop it in your brain again.

Jeremy London of Party of Five told Palm Springs police that two men he thought were going to help him change a flat tire ended up pulling a gun on his ass and forced him into his own car. Jeremy says that they drove him around and forced him to smoke crack. They apparently also made him buy and hand out booze in "gang areas" of Palm Springs. Jeremy later escaped. One of Jeremy's alleged kidnappers, Brandon Adams, was later arrested and charged with hood rad stuff in the first degree. Brandon pleaded not guilty. Well, today's twist involves Jeremy's wife....

Apparently, Jeremy's wife Melissa Cunningham was also kidnapped! Radar Online says that Melissa was with Jeremy when he got a flat tire. A source says that Melissa begged the kidnappers to let her go and she started crying. Since the kidnappers are obviously the second coming of Mother Theresa they drove her the fuck home and let her go but they kept Jeremy! Yes, just like that.

Let me guess, the kidnappers also opened the door for her and walked her inside. Then they made her a cup of chamomile tea, brushed her hair and massaged her wrists with lavender oil until she calmed down. Then they politely wrote their full names on a piece of rose-scented stationary and handed it to Melissa along with a telephone so she could call the police after they left. I mean, Jeremy is really waving a pinky finger in our faces and telling us it's a 9-inch dick.

And just like Jeremy, Melissa also has a bad history with drugs. Both Melissa and Jeremy have to go through random drug tests because of the custody issue involving their 3-year-old son Lyrik. Lyrik is currently staying with Melissa's mother.

So not only are Jeremy's kidnappers nice enough to share their crack, but they also took pity on one of their captors and drove her home. Fuck prison time. Give them a Noble Peace Prize.

Part of me thinks this is all part of Jeremy's master plan. Jeremy is telling these tall tales of fuckery so that truTV can turn his ordeal into a movie, which means he can play himself, which means he'll actually get a check. Survey says that Jeremy is doing a good job in making that happen.