Crackheads

That machete-wielding leather duffel bag of crazy who slurped on a bottle of Tiger's Blood (ingredients: grenadine syrup, blended NicoDerm patches and crack pipe residue) on the roof of the Live Nation building in Beverly Hills yesterday? Yeah, that was just Charlie Sheen celebrating getting fired from Two and a Half Men. Yes, Gnarly Sheen is about to begin the "Green Umbrella Attack" portion of his meltdown. Also known as: "winking at Code 5150." When Charlie got to the roof, a crowd formed on the sidewalk below and started to cheer as the dehydrated turtle crackhead chanted, "FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST!" Martin Luther King Jr. is too busy shaking his head, so will somebody go down to Atlanta and roll his bones for him?

Charlie once again vowed that he's going to sue Warner Bros. for gazillions, bazillions and katrillions of dollars for breach of contract. Warner Bros. is planning to file their own lawsuit against Charlie for all the money they lost for canceling the season (and possibly the whole damn) show early. Charlie has got a dull machete in his hands and he's ready to fight. Charlie told Access Hollywood yesterday that when this is all done, he'll wear their yellow roach shells as veneers.

"Here's another thing — these guys are such yellow cockroaches that they didn't even have the decency to call me. I put 5 bill in their cheap suit pockets and another half a bil' in what's-his-cheese's pockets and this is the… respect I get? It's just deplorable and they should be ashamed of themselves!

It is what it is. I'm more worried about my children right now than any of this nonsense, you know.

If this is what it had to come to, to get me out of those silly shirts, then so be it. So maybe I'll wear one, just on the final day when I go and remove all of their bazillions."

You know who should be ashamed of himself? CHARLIE for smiling when his grill looks like it was involved in a head-on collision with a semi-truck carrying meth. The only thing his mouth ever won was a plastic gold necklace from a Cracker Jack box and second place in a Smiles of Meth beauty contest. If Flavor Flav had anal dentata, it would look just like Charlie Sheen's mouth. And on an even sadder note...

Here's the latest episode of "Sheen's Korner" that was uploaded last night. Charlie doesn't talk about getting fired, but he continues to go on about trolls...

This sad mess makes an episode of Intervention look like a G-rated movie that the entire family can enjoy together. Jesus be Martin Sheen with a hot meal, a vitamin shot and a signed 5150.

You would think that Sheen's Korner would be a place of endless LOL sermons and crackhead theatrics, but it turns out it's about as entertaining as a dude in a chicken suit twirling an "OPEN HOUSE" sign for a new tract housing development (no offense to dudes in chicken suits twirling an "OPEN HOUSE" sign for a new tract housing development). Charlie Sheen ended his week-long media tour of fuckery last night on a sad boring note when he hosted "Sheen's Korner" on Ustream. Charlie recited some dumb poem, told his kids he missed them, flashed his "winning" tattoo and announced his new Tiger Blood drink, but it all looked like a cumless cum shot to me.

The word "winning" is about to file a restraining order against Charlie and tigers are lining up to to get dog blood transfusions. Winning has officially become losing. The only drinking game for this mess is that every time Charlie or one of his minions says the word "winning" your soul will take a shot of its own vomit. It also doesn't help that Charlie looks like the Crypt Keeper version of Matt Drudge. Charlie needs to turn off the red siren and stop.

And instead of wasting minutes of your time on Charlie's mess, you might want to watch Bill Hader's impersonation of Charlie Sheen from last night's SNL.

Here's Charlie Sheen in the picture he posted for his third Tweet on his brand new verified Twitter account. Yes, Charlie wants to spread his maniacal warlock sermons of crazy on all mediums, so of course he's burning the Twitter Bird's b-hole with his fire breathing fists. But one ho who is no longer going to feel the heat from Charlie's fists (...that...image...I...know) is his ex-wife Brooke Mueller.

It was just a hot second ago when Brooke was on a private plane to the Bahamas with Charlie, but today she took out a restraining order against him. Brooke has jumped over the wall of the octagon and has taken her stolen shrimp fork elsewhere. TMZ says that Brooke claims Charlie made several threats against her and she's afraid he's going to relive the magic and love of Christmas by pulling a knife on her throat. Charlie must now direct his mercury surfboard to stay at least 100 yards away from Brooke. When asked about the restraining order, Duh McWinning shrugged and said, "Great. I was already planning on staying 100 parsecs away from her."

Radar is also reporting that Charlie is trying to get full custody of their twin boys, because he doesn't think Brooke is fit enough to care for their kids. At this point those kids would be better off being raised by actual trolls with alley cat blood whose fists breath cigarette ash and who only know how to say the word "LOSING!"

From Charlie peering over that mess of a craft project poster like a cracked out Wilson to the news that he wants full custody of his boys, I just can't process anymore. So I'm just going to slowly back away from this for the day and go and use a free porn site password someone gave me. Free porn site password that works = WINNING!

(And thanks to everybody who sent me the Charlie Sheen quote generator. It's not the same if it doesn't come out of the mouth of a shaky turtle warlock)

If you've got a recording device, Charlie Sheen's got the time. The long-lost crack child of Tony the Tiger and Julian Sands has been putting his crack-scratched vocal cords to work by giving interviews to Today (airing all week), Good Morning America (see previous) and 20/20 (airing Friday). Last night, Charlie sat down across from the British shell that covers Larry King's carcass. When Piers Morgan wasn't chupa-ing on Carlos' warlock anus, he was asking the usual questions (click here for the full interview). But thankfully, Charlie didn't give the usual answers.

How CBS hasn't re-titled Two and a Half Men to Two and a Half Crack Baggies and named Charlie Sheen as their head writer is beyond me. The magic beans that pour out of Charlie's mouth hole make you want to laugh, cry and punch yourself in the brain at the same time. Here's a few quotes from last night's talk with Piers. It's times like this that I miss Larry King (the original warlock), because Charlie would've spent the entire hour trying to seduce him over to the octagon with his Firestarter fists and shit.

And I'm presenting these quotes without context, because it's probably easier to understand that way:

"I have not. No, no. Women are not meant to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed."

"There was an incident years ago where everyone thought I hit her. I was trying to contain her. I had her arms and we both went down to the ground. Her initials are B.A., I'll give you that much. I don't want to make the whole thing about her. I felt terrible and delivered her to a plastic surgeon and everybody said I hit her and no.... I feel bad about that one. She was attacking me, though, with, like a, a small fork. Like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her, that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet.”

"It's been a tsunami of media and I've been riding it on a mercury surfboard."

"The reason it went bad is because I don't do pills. I don't take opiates, I don't do benzos or any of that psychotropic nonsense. I used to [take cocaine]. I've gotta be careful because that's like lawsuits and things that went on. Well, yeah. I'm not taking it. I had to pay for it. Well, um, I hadn't done any for a while, like 7 hours, but I had this hernia thing that was popping out."

"I won't take [pain pills], so I maybe hit the vodka a little too hard to reduce the pain."

"That was an old brain, I have a new brain. I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That's how I describe myself."

"And then it was like, 'You must let me impose my will on your face.' And it was like, woah dude."

"I was joking about being underpaid but to come back for a 10th season... Eh, that's all negotiable. You can't talk about this stuff on television. I don't know. I was on crack. Where's Dr. Drew when you need him?"

How fucking damn irresponsible of Gnarly Sheen! How dare he?! The surgeon general has already warned us that Charlie's boogers are considered an illegal substance and a stimulant not unlike meth. Great. Lock down the grade schools before Parasite Hilton starts snorting on the nostrils of second graders. If 50% of 7-year-olds contract HVP warts in their nasal cavities, it's all Charlie's fault!

And here's a clip of Charlie and his goddesses:

I knew Bree Olson was THAT KIND! You know, that kind of shifty ho who always keeps her bomber jacket on indoors. They're always ready to steal your shrimp forks and run out of there. You can't trust a bitch who refuses to take off her bomber jacket. Although, if I was one of Charlie's goddesses, I'd keep my bomber jacket on too....even during hugging and caressing sessions.

By the way, I think we finally found a face that is too meth-ey for the Faces of Meth poster.

(Image source: AV Club via TDW)

Stan Rosenfield would like to keep the hair he has left safe from Charlie Sheen's fire-breathing fists, so he has joined the mound of maggot trolls by leaving the octagon for good. As his former client would say, Stan is definitely WINNING. Well, he'll start WINNING as soon as he comes down from his Charlie Sheen addiction by spending the day with Jon Cryer (nothing will take you to a new level of soberness like watching Jon iron his socks and organize the flavored oatmeal in his pantry).

TMZ says that right after their backyard interview with Charlie, Stan wrote his own pink slip and said that he cares about him very much but, "I’m unable to work effectively as his publicist and have respectfully resigned."

During Charlie's interview with TMZ he confessed that Stan lied for him during the whole "locked up hooker" scandal by saying that he was suffering from allergies when we all knew that he had a major case of coke fever.

Here's the first part of TMZ's ongoing Conversations with a Crackie series starring Charlie Sheen, his goddesses and Afro Sheen. Basically, it's a bunch of Friday characters who ended up on the cutting room floor.

And here's part two!

This is the first time I've actually been happy to see a Winnie the Pooh cookie jar. Too bad Charlie uses it as an ash tray and a condom can. Actually, Winnie might be into that sucio shit. WINNIE-ING!

Charlie Sheen took his rambling radio tour of crazy crackery to TV this morning with interviews on both Good Morning America and Today, and looooooooooord. Either this is Casey Affleck's sequel to "I'm Still Here" or Charlie has jumped off the rails and snorted 'em up. I'm putting all my tokens on the latter, because Charlie barely even blinks. It's like the crack smoke is holding his eyelids up. Even his plugs are trying to quit his ass. Their idea of a well-balanced meal is not fingernail dirt, bong sludge and coke-infused venom. That malnourished dumpster cat on Charlie's head is in dire need of an IV bag full of vitamins.

Charlie has pretty much aged 20 years in the past couple of months and now has the face of a (don't click) turtle's parched asshole. And yup, a turtle's parched asshole is definitely the face of winning.

While playing with a red wire from an F-18 bomb, Charlie rattled about how he's going to sue CBS and Chuck Lorre for breach of contact. Charlie suggests that they should settle and allow Two and a Half Men to go on. But even though Charlie looks like he'd work for the remnants of an 8-ball found in the gutter and a couple of expired Camel dollars, he says he wants $3 million per episode plus a $20 million signing bonus. We're really going to need a bigger CODE 5150 for Charlie.

Here's a few quotes from Charlie's crazy GMA interview. It looks like 2011's Dead Pool just got a new favorite:

On the bad shit he's on: "I am on a drug. It's called CHARLIE SHEEN! Um, it's not available, because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. Um. Too much."

On if he's going to sue CBS and Chuck Lorre: "Wouldn't you? I don't have a job. I've got a whole family to support and love. People a lot more important than me are relying on that money to fuel the magic."

On people saying he's an anti-Semite and why he calls Chuck Lorre "Chaim Levine": "People that know me... There's nothing about that in my history, anywhere. I would say, um, you know I'm sorry if I offended you. I didn't know you were so sensitive. I just thought that after you wailing on me for 8 years that I could take a few shots back. I didn't know you were going to take your little ball and go home and punish everybody in the process."

On if he's willing to take a drug test: "Sure, you've got a cup? I've got nothing to hide."

On how he cured himself of crack addiction: "I've closed my eyes and made it so...with the power of my mind. I had to unload 22 years of fiction and just decided that I don't need that anymore. I know my own truth. The fiction of AA. It's a silly book written by a broken down fool who was a plagiarist. They think it's one size fits all and it didn't fit me. I got tired of it."

On if he filled with insides with booze and crack because of boredom: "No, I did that because they work. They change the way you see things. Change the way you feel. And yeah, when you're a little bit bored with redundancy of certain aspects of your life.. Yeah, I think that's why people do them."

On if he thinks his children will be embarrassed by his behavior when they grow up: "God no. Talk about an education. I mean, this and then that's the guy and he's our dad and we can get all the answers and the truth. WOW. Wiiiiiining! That's how you perceive it. "

And during his interview with Today (click here to see that mess), Carlos had a few questions for Chuck Lorre:

1. Chuck, why is it that when I was ready to return to work, you told me there were no scripts ready to shoot. What would we have shot if you did not order the suits into my home to shut down the party?

2. Why is it that you issued a decree informing me that the remaining 8 shows of season 8 had been reduced down to 4? I don't recall getting a vote on this by the way. Stating as well that season 8, our highest rated season to date (most shows are in decline by then and heading towards Will & Grace-ville), was suddenly to halt production two weeks earlier than scheduled? You're the only man that can answer this.

3. When you were told that the crew would suffer gravely as a result of your dictatorial laziness, would you please explain what you meant by your statement: "They are not my problem." I'm sure there's like 120 some odd people who would love to hear the answer to that.

Yup, Charlie is still fucking his perma-soft dick with a fleshlight made of delusions. The Surgeon General should put that on the warning label for the Charlie Sheen drug.

The fuck did I just expose my brain to? Speaking of brains, if you scanned Charlie Sheen's brain, the MRI screen would show a group of porn stars in Apocalypse Now drag shooting at turds while crawling through a trench of cocaine. Oh, and they'd have Thomas Jefferson's face on their crotches.

Charlie Sheen called in to Alex Jones' Infowars show today and pretty much spewed a nonsensical river of crazed delusions. Charlie called Thomas Jefferson "a pussy," said AA is a "bootleg cult," claimed that he has cured his "addiction" with his brain, compared himself to Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now and said that Chuck Lorre (the creator of Two and a Half Men) is a turd clown. And that's just the tip of the INSANEBERG.

Charlie makes Tommy Girl look like the epitome of humble, and is pretty much on the same playing field of crazy as Mel Gibson. If you're one of those patient people who calmly nods whenever a crazed crackhead shouts their conspiracy theories into your face on the subway, then you might want to go to TMZ to listen to this mess. But if the ramblings of a mad man cause you to chew your fingers off, then you should just stick to reading what Colonel Kuntz had to say about everything:

Charlie on how he's the perfect human and is no longer denying it: "I'm so tired of pretending like my life isn't just perfect and just winning every second, and I'm not just perfect and bitching and just delivering the goods at every frickin' turn. Look what I'm dealing with, man. I'm dealing with fools and trolls. I'm dealing with soft targets, and it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee."

Charlie on how his haters are just jealous because our lives are full of ugliness: "They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, 'I can't process it.' Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show."

Charlie on how his veins are completely crack free now: "News-flash. I am special and I will never be one of you. The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning. My success rate is 100%!"

Charlie on AA: "I was shackled and oppressed by the cult of AA for 22 years. I finally extracted myself from their troll hole and started living my life the way I want to live it. It’s vintage, outdated and stupid and it’s followed by STUPID people. I hate them violently. They will come at me. Debate me on AA right now. I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it right now with my mind. I cured it, I'm done! ”

Charlie on his new girlfriend and porn star family: "Let me say this about the Goddesses, I don't think the term is good enough, but when you're bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best term available. So if you think about it dude, I'm 0-for-3 in marriage, but like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate, or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I'll leave to the amateurs and bible grippers."

Charlie on how his ex-wife Brooke Mueller doesn't want to hang with him anymore: "And I just gotta add this, there was a whole firestorm about Brooke being a part of our crew. Where there were four, there are now three. Goodbye, Brooke, and good luck in your travels; you're going to need it. Badly … She's not there now and we are and I don't know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry man, didn't make the rules. Oops."

Charlie on Chuck Lorre: "I violently hate Chaim Levine. He's a stupid, stupid little man and a pussy punk that I'd never want to be like. That's me being polite. That piece of shit [Lorre] took money out of my pocket, my family's pocket, and, most importantly, my second family -- my crew's pocket. You can tell him one thing. I own him."

Never have the words "WHAT. THE. FUCK." been more appropriate. I think bitch has a hernia on his fucking brain.

And on a studio lot in Burbank right now, workers are slathering paint over the "Two" in "Two and a Half Men" and painting "One" in its place.

UPDATE: CBS and Warner Bros. just announced that Charlie will have more time to spend with his porn star family. They are putting Two and a Half Men on pause indefinitely. In a statement to TMZ, CBS and WB said, "Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen's statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of 'Two and a Half Men' for the remainder of the season."

Thomas Jefferson is laughing like a motherfucker right now!

via TMZ, Radar, HuffPo, UsWeekly

Charlie Sheen is an impressively crazy asshole and I wouldn't let him babysit my toilet let alone a thing that breathes in oxygen, but the thing is, he's pretty damn honest. Unlike a certain coke-laced Dorito with the initials LINDSAY LOHAN, Charlie doesn't make excuses for his screwed up behavior and won't disagree with you when you tell him that his daughters will probably become the poster girls for "daddy issues" thanks to his antics. Take his interview today with the Dan Patrick show for instance. Charlie says that he smokes crack, eats bottles of booze whole and watches porn until his dick falls off because he's bored. And because when he's sober, he doesn't feel like he's being true to his true drunk crackhead self.

Dear crack dealers of L.A., pat yourself on your "I did good" place, because you're Charlie's life coaches. You're helping him find his real self by selling him briefcases full of the bad shit. Oprah should give you all a show.

Here's bits of the foolery that poured out of Charlie's mouth hole this morning. I can almost picture him talking on his cell phone in the ATM vestibule of a Chase while his eyes dart everywhere like a trapped bird and his hand shakes like Xtina's vocal cords. You know, because all crackheads have their best conversations in an ATM vestibule.

Charlie on how he showed up to the set of Two and a Half Men, but they told him to take his crack-infused hernia home: "They said, 'You get ready and we'll get ready.' And I got ready and went back and nobody's there. I don't know what to tell you ... I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it, you know?"

Charlie on how the network kept pointing at the "moral clause" in his contract: "Nit pick, nit pick, but I don't think [the clause] covers, 'Let us totally dominate and interfere with your personal life.' I have a contract. They said, 'Get your act together,' and I did."

Charlie on how some people are shouting a giant "AS IF" at his sudden recovery: "I heal really quickly, but I also unravel pretty quickly. So get me right now, guys. Get me right now!"

Charlie on why he smokes crack: "Boredom. Wanting to make things better – whether it's real or imagined. I was sober for five years a long time ago and was just bored out of my tree."

Charlie on how his pee is clean now, but he still doesn't feel at home being sober: "It's inauthentic --it's not who I am."

Charlie on his advice to those who want to smoke crack: " Avoid crack, unless you can manage it socially."

That last line should really be taught in schools. What I think Charlie means by that is, smoke crack if you can do it without annoying the shit out of those around you. And all the crackies I've come in contact with have proven that this is an impossible task.

via UsWeekly

And every stork just nose dived into the damn ground. Kacey Jordan, the 22-year-old fuck film star who got a $30,000 check from Charlie Sheen during his massive crack & cooch party, has found her womb full of something other than tears from her other organs, crack smoke and 31 flavors of rogue jizz. Kacey is pregnant with a fetus who rapidly developed a face just so that it could make a "FUCK MY LIFE" expression.

TMZ bought the text from Kacey's not right ass with a gift certificate to the free clinic magically got a hold of a text message that Kacey sent to Charlie Sheen telling him that she's knocked up and doesn't "think" the baby is his. TMZ's sources say that Charlie wrapped his crack dick up in a condom before humping on Kacey, but they were both so fucked up that she's not sure if they did it right. Charlie shouldn't worry about Kacy's name being added to his payroll under "baby mamas," because if any of his sperm fish managed to stumble down her crotch alley, I doubt they made it to the right place. Those jizz fishes were so cracked out that they wandered around and begged anything they came in contact with for a quarter or 25 cents. And it's not like they'd have the strength to break through an egg. If anything, they probably just passed out on top.

Charlie has yet to say anything about this, and Kacey is going to get an abortion in the next few days. In case you wanted to know. It's sort of a sad shame, because what baby wouldn't want to crawl into the kitchen and find his mother with lube in her hair, a coke haze in her eyes and a mouth that is throwing out the words, "You want some Wonder Breads, baby?"

Charlie Sheen put his at-home rehab treatment on pause for a quick second to visit with the UCLA baseball team yesterday and he gave them a motivational speech that will surely keep their fingers from walking towards the crack pipe. Right before they all laughed at his crack damaged ass, Charlie told the players: "Stay off the crack. Drink a chocolate milk." Here fucking here! Well, unless you're lactose intolerant, suffering from child obesity or got a hernia that don't quit. In that case, stick with the crack.

And this is probably what Nancy Reagan was really trying to say with that "Just Say No" shit.

via TMZ