Crackheads

Next to video of a train derailing before crashing into the side of a building, this picture is the best visual definition of the current state of Lindsay Lohan's life. The people of São Paulo have been told to triple lock their bottles of booze and hide their valuables under bars of soap (she'll never look there), which means that Lindsay Lohan is in town. LiLo is currently in Brazil to collect a six figure check for promoting a clothing line called John John. TMZ posted this picture from Twitterer @orgastic-desire of LiLo mingling with the cigarette butts and other pieces of trash while hiding under the DJ table at a club. Mess.

TMZ says that LiLo was at the club for hours and when a bunch of people started asking her to take pictures with them, she refused and hid from them under the table.

Everybody should leave Lindsay Lohan alone. After a long, hard day of snatching bracelets and snorting mini bottles of vodka on a plane ride to Brazil, you too would want to take a quick, early morning disco nap on a comfortable concrete floor under a table at a club. Sometimes a mess just needs a quiet moment to herself to get her thoughts together (aka snort a line of the bad shit) in peace while sitting on a dried puddle of whiskey. A dried puddle of whiskey that probably has Syphilis now.

But really, who hasn't been there? If you replace that club with a suburban backyard, replace that black table with a plastic white lawn table from KMart, replace those stolen Louboutins with dollar store flip-flops and replace that glass of vodka masquerading as water with a cup of white wine and Mountain Dew, that'll be me this weekend!

This is what happens when Lindsay Lohan's day in court is scheduled for the day after International Drunk Day (aka St. Patrick's Day). LiLo's latest date with the California Justice System is this morning and she was supposed to fly out from NYC to LA on Saturday, giving her a full day to get court-ready glamorous. But since LiLo is a professional fuck up and can't stop fucking up, she skipped her flight on Saturday to see a band instead. TMZ says that LiLo made it to the airport on Sunday night for a 6pm flight and her ass actually got on the plane, but right before takeoff, she jumped off the plane. Apparently, LiLo thought the plane was leaking gas. Dealers should really put a "Warning: May Cause Extreme Paranoid" label all on their 8-balls, because coke paranoia is a real thing.

TMZ says that the plane was delayed over an hour due to an issue with the gas tank or something, so LiLo got scared, thought it was going to crash and got off of it. Bitch probably thought she saw a colonial woman on the wing, churning butter. She was churning butter! Or LiLo probably thought she saw a gremlin pulling parts out of the airplane wing. Bitch, that wasn't a sabotaging gremlin. It was just your reflection in the mirror.

LiLo claims that she wasn't the only one who got a final destination vibe from the flight. She says that 35 other people also got off, because they felt the flight was not safe. The plane did up end stopping in Las Vegas to refuel before landing in L.A. after 11pm.

LiLo spent most of her night in the airport lounge trying to get one of her johns to lend him a private plane. At around 2 or 3 in the morning New York time, she finally got a ride on a private jet from the dude who owns Mr. Pink Energy Drink.

Mr. Pink's private plane was supposed to land around 7am PST time and she's supposed to be in court by 8:30 this morning. That gives LiLo less than 90 minutes to make it to court. We all know what's going to happen. LiLo's going to show up late and cry about how her car got a flat tire, got carjacked by gang members and after hitchhiking for an hour, she finally got a trucker to pick her up. But those gremlins who sabotaged her plane must've also sabotaged the traffic lights in L.A., because they hit every red light! The judge will shrug, tell her to do better next time, validate her parking and then send her on her way. Nothing is going to happen to this mess.

UPDATE: Aaaaaand she's going to be late. TMZ says that Mr. Pink's jet isn't scheduled to land until 8:11am, which gives LiLo less than 20 minutes to get to court on time. It's not going to happen, so ho better start pulling those excuses out of her asshole right about now.

Over the weekend, Charlie Sheen continued to use LiLo's name to get some free publicity by openly declaring that he wants to take LiLo under his cracked out wing and show her the way. Charlie proclaimed his love for LiLo and said that they are practically the same, because he's the kind of john who will pay a hooker $1,000 to snort a bump of coke out of his butt with her cooch and she's the kind of hooker who will snort a bump of coke out of a john's butt with her cooch for $1,000. They're soulmates. But TMZ says that LiLo is telling her friends that Charlie is not going to be her life coach and he needs to shut his damn mouth:

Sources close to LiLo tell TMZ ... while she appreciates everything Sheen has done for her -- and he's done a lot -- she would NEVER take him as a mentor. She's saying she knows her life is "out of control," but doesn't think the precept, "It takes one to know one," is the way to go.

She says she's grateful Charlie gave her $100k for her back taxes and supported her in "Scary Movie 5." Lindsay says she talks to Charlie from time to time ... but gripes he has no business talking about her to the media.

According to our sources, Lindsay has been regularly meeting with a therapist and feels the consistency has helped.

LiLo hasn't stabbed a psychic in the neck with a broken bottle in over a week and she knows being around Charlie isn't the best thing for her, so maybe this therapist (aka her week night dealer) is helping her after all. I mean, Charlie's backyard pool is filled with the bad shit, vodka pours out of every faucet in his house, his bidet shoots out liquid meth and next to every tub is a bag full of bath salts (the drug, not the skin soother) and LiLo turned all of that down. LiLo could've lived in the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory of crack houses, but she said no.

Or maybe she had her one moment of clarity and realized that sucking on Charlie's soggy tampon dick for unlimited supplies of coke is not worth it. She'll get her own coke herself. Either way, our little crackie is growing up!

"Lindsay Lohan is psychotic" replaced "water is wet" as the #1 DUH statement of our time and Samantha Ronson's British socialite of a mother Ann Dexter-Jones wanted to remind us all of this.

The sloppy mash-up of Sarah Jessica Parker and Janice the Muppet tells The Daily Mail all about the night that she finally realized that LiLo and SamRo were about as good for each other as masturbating with a circumcised tree branch is for your coochie. Ann says that the year was 2008 and they were all at the opening of The Atlantis in Dubai when she shook her head as LiLo banged her fists on a thick carpet and no that isn't a euphemism for pussy bumpin'. Ann watched LiLo throw a toddler-style tantrum on the floor and the next day she let her daughter and that crazy crackie bitch know that she wasn't going to bless their lezzie version of Sid & Nancy anymore and her house was now a Lohan-free zone.

"Suddenly, without any warning, Lindsay flung herself on to the thick carpet and started to roll around screaming like a child. It seemed she was upset that people, including Samantha, were not paying her enough attention. To my mind, it was classic psychotic behavior. I took Lindsay aside and told her not to make a spectacle of herself. She was clearly out of control and spoiling for a fight.

I know stuff, but I don’t want to go into it. I just knew that it was not a good place for my child to be, but sometimes a parent’s objection only makes it more exciting. When I saw for myself just how volatile Lohan was, I realised that the relationship was not healthy. The morning after her tantrum – and believe me, that was not the worst of it – I told them both that I could no longer support them as a couple, that I no longer approved of them being together and that Lindsay was no longer welcome in my home."

This finally explains that picture. Ann Dexter-Jones isn't screaming, because she's so excited that someone is actually taking her picture. Ann Dexter-Jones is screaming, because just standing next to LiLo is painful and she wants to butt fuck her with that pack of Reds. Ann banishing a Lohan from her life was a good move for her family, just like bringing up her daughter's old relationship to sell her stupid jewelry collection is a good move for her family.

This is the perfect time to remember the good old days when LiLo was giving us the low-budget version of Sharon Stone in Casino:

Seen below looking like a cracked out troll making sweet love to the air, Charlie Sheen was on Letterman last night to promote the next 90 episodes of Anger Management (not joking) and while he was there he let the world know that he's going to be grandpapa soon. Apparently, Charlie has a 28-year-old daughter named Cassandra Estevez and she's knocked up with his first grandchild. I don't know whether to feel pity or jealousy toward the newborn baby who will get second hand high from inhaling Charlie's crack smoke breath.

Charlie told David Letterman (via UsWeekly) that he knows the world is going to be an even weirder place when he becomes a grandaddy:

"Me as a grandfather, Dave...I don't know. It's like the world's going to crack in half. It's fabulous. It's just not a title I'm ready to adopt."

All jokes aside, Charlie Sheen is going to be the greatest pepaw ever. On your 16th birthday, your grandpa probably gave you a recycled birthday card with two one dollar bills in it. On Charlie's grandkid's 16th birthday, he's going to give them a cashiers check for $100,000 and a gift card to the Bunny Ranch if he's a boy and a gift card for silicone titty sacks if she's a girl. When you spent the day with your grandparents, you probably spent it watching old Matlock episodes on Beta tape while eating a cold Hungry Man meal (or if you were me, you spent it watching telenovelas while trying to eat a leftover enchilada that fused with its Styrofoam container, because my abuelita left it in the microwave too long). When Charlie's grandkid spends the day with him, they will spend it playing chicken with porn stars in a pool full of vodka.

And I bet Charlie won't even be mad with his grandkid when they want to play with his dentures. Best grandpa ever!

Ugh Charlie. Just when I start to think you are a nice guy who bails fellow crackheads out of their IRS trouble and donates the rest of your Scary Movie 5 salary to charity, you go and pull this stupid stunt. BOOOOOO. At the opening of the club he co-owns at the El Ganza hotel in Cabo, brilliantly named Sheenz with a Z (insert eye roll here), Charlie Sheen drops an F bomb on the crowd. No, not the glorious FUCK word, which nobody would have given an eff about. YEAH, that one.

NY Daily News has the story, and you can watch the video here on TMZ where Chuck (or as I lovingly refer to him "Upchuck" now amended to "ShutTheFuckUpchuck") yells this to the crowd, which is notably NOT on board with what the fuck he just said judging from the lackluster response.

"How we doing? Lying bunch of f---got asssholes, how we doing?"

Adorable. He immediately apologized for the slur and said he was not trying to offend and that he meant to say "maggots" but he has a lisp. What a lame as fuck excuse. You have a lisp of the brains Charlie, just go do another fat rail off a couple of rented piece's assholes and stop making appearances that aren't pre-taped and edited. Slash showed up and played a set for the club opening, which Charlie by all reports hosted beautifully right up to the point he put his foot in his mouth up to his hipbone (BONUS, I can suck my own dick now! Shit, still cokey and flaccid, and tastes like Lindsay Lohan. ~ Charlie).

via Jezebel

Professional fuckery maker and the embarrassment of the Keeblers elves came out of retirement the other night to tell jokes at a show in Los Angeles and he used his time on stage to say he knows of a black movie star whose b-hole tingles for the peen. As Will Smith shook with nervousness right out of his panties, Katt Williams said that Jamie Foxx is a gay. Some people acted all shocked, but mostly everybody else let a "meh," because the rumor that Jamie Foxx likes to squeeze peens with his luscious pecs has been around since the beginning of time. But Katt Williams went even farther by naming names.

HuffPo posted a video of Katt saying that Jamie is wrapping his Foxx hole around the dick belonging to singer Marcus Anthony who's on his label. After Katt said that Jamie Foxx loves peen, he went on a rant about how he turned down a role in Django Unchained, because that shit is racist.

“Who’s gay? Jamie Foxx. I can even tell you the name of the dude he fucked. His name is Marcus Anthony; he’s the only dude signed to Jamie Foxx’s label. Check it out and then Twitter the dude and ask him to see if he'll say yes. The dude told me backstage at a show and he told me I could bring him onstage and air it out. I said, 'No, nigga, let me wait until I get to L.A.'

Fuck Jamie Foxx and the 'Django Unchained' check he cashed. They offered me the script and I said, 'Any nigga that do this deserves to die. And the next thing I heard, Jamie Foxx was in makeup. I went to the set myself and I couldn't believe it. I got a copy of the script. They gave me a copy of the script written in Spielberg's hands. The words 'fuck you, nigger' appear one hundred and seventy six times in the script."

And here's the video if your eyes need that today:

The two most shocking parts of that video is that: a) Katt Williams actually showed up for a show and; b) Katt Williams had a mic in his hand and managed not to beat the brains out of his one of fans.

Charlie Sheen recently started his Save A Fellow Crack Whore Foundation and his first act of charity was sending Lindsay Lohan's manager a check for $100,000 to go toward her IRS debt. Two of the four horsemen, Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, bonded on the set of Scary Movie 5 by taking turns slurping vodka shots out of a call girl's b-hole and they got so close that she told him she owes the IRS $234,000. Charlie was going to give LiLo a donation right then and there, but she refused to take his money. But Lindsay Lohan did take his money later when he sent her that $100,000.

While talking to Entertainment Tonight's Chris Jacobs, Charlie said that he did give Lindsay Lohan $100,000 and she took his money, but she never even dropped him one simple thank you. Charlie said that he was happy to "pay it forward" and he owed her money from a "project" she did for him. via ET:

"I'm still waiting for a text to say 'thank you,'" laughed Sheen. "Anything, you know?"

Nevertheless he wished "the best" for Lohan, explaining that she's "a very good and decent young lady that is just going through a lot."

He added, "She just needs a little bit of time…People need to give her time to get her shit together."

A project? The Untitled Lindsay Lohan Helped Charlie Sheen Dispose Of A Call Girl's Body After She Overdosed In His Trailer Project? That project? Or maybe he's talking about the Untitled Lindsay Lohan Promised Him A Foursome With Three Generations Of Lohans Project (insert Nana Lohan double side-eye here)? It's one of those projects, I'm sure.

Lindsay Lohan is smart for not saying thank you. Because saying thank you is confirming to him that she got the money and gave it to a pharmacy in Ensenada, Mexico in exchange for two truck fulls of Adderall.

And speaking of $100,000, I'm pretty sure I owe each of you $100,000. Because as soon your eyeballs landed on that picture of Charlie Sheen looking like Mr. Burns' droopy asshole, they exploded and now you need an eyeball transplant. I'll just say what Lindsay Lohan says when the IRS comes knocking on her door looking for money, "The check is in the mail....and by chance, are you holding right now?"

TMZ reported yesterday that colossal mess Brooke Mueller snorted, injected or smoked way too much of the bad shit and had to be shuffled off to the hospital. The L.A. County Fire Department said that they were called to Brooke's home in Tarzana, CA and took her to the nearest hospital. Everyone figured that the next headline we'd see would be "Brooke Mueller Trying Out Rehab For The 16th Time," but her rep (yes, she has one of those) says that's not going to happen, because she didn't overdose. Yeah, and I just didn't guzzle down an entire bottle of Chicken 'N Waffles flavoring syrup for breakfast.

Her rep Steve Honing tells Celebuzz that it was all a misunderstanding and Charlie Sheen's original goddess was just really, really tired. Brooke's assistant (yes, she has one of those) thought she passed out in a coma or some shit, but she was really just taking a nap. Here's Steve's explanation:

“An assistant thought Brooke was non-responsive while she was napping and hastily called an ambulance. As a precaution, Brooke was brought to a local hospital and discharged after an hour. She was diagnosed with exhaustion and dehydration and is now fine and resting at home. That’s it."

That makes sense. Smoking crack, snorting Valium and injecting meth into your eyeballs all day really is strenuous work and gives you a serious case of the tireds. And I know that whenever I take a hard nap, my assistant (aka my dog) has to bark for help after he tries to wake me up by slapping me in the face, etc...

Brooke and Charlie's 3-year-old twins were at home with her when she taken to the hospital, but she tells TMZ that her full-time, live-in nanny was taking care of them. Even if Brooke said that a chainsaw and a bear trap were taking care of her kids, we'd all still shrug and say, "Well, better than Brooke!"