Never mind that creepy ass Doug Hutchison looks like a Cuban lesbian busser at a mariachi bar, the goddess of the lizard kingdom made all the innocent children drown their eyeballs in vats of holy water when she flashed her all-natural shit on the streets of L.A. while going to a shoot for Funny or Die. Chris Hansen just passed out, PedoBear just mumbled "too easy" to himself and EVERYBODY just sent Courtney a box of Cuchinis. Doug should be arrested for a million reasons (i.e. killing a bear and wearing one of its ass cheeks on his head), but one of those reasons isn't for letting his slut toddler wife walk around half-nekkid in December, because we all know amphibians are cold-blood.
And I really hope the pap didn't ring the alarm by telling Courtney her silicone tit cutlet is heading south, because it really needs to get away from that situation. Let's hope its cleansing itself of this "Heidi and Spencer meets Jerry Lee Lewis and his cousin" fuckery in a Buddhist monastery somewhere.
Because Courtney Stodden's whore master of a mother sold her to a has-been Hollywood actor at the age of 16, she never got to go to prom like other teenage amphibians. So the delicate lizard slut made up for lost times by buying a truly exquisite gown she found bundled into a ball at the bottom of a clearance box in the back of the Frederick's of Hollywood Outlet at the Ontario Mills. Some might've dropped the dress after reading the line "Sold As Is (mysterious bodily fluid stains, etc...)" on the tag hanging off of it, but Courtney wasn't going to let that stop her from bestowing a Classy Old Hollywood moment upon The Grove in L.A. Why do I have a sinking feeling in my colon that this is what Rosie O'Donnell's wedding pictures are going to look like? Complete with awkward "kneeing in the pussy" pose and everything.
There's a serious civil war going down on top of Courtney's head. Courtney's ashy real hair is trying to fight with her fake hair. One of Courtney's tooth is also trying to emancipate itself from her mouth. And her toes are desperately trying to break free from the clutches of her elegant silver whore heels. There's just a whole lot of uprising on Courtney. Courtney is truly the most gorgeous battlefield I've ever seen.
Secret Santa: Id love to lure you in by caressing my red lips up against your rosiness as my lustrous legs lie on top of your levitating lap
Had such an erotic afternoon after being elegantly bound with whips & chains for a brand new foxy photo shoot... XOs
Tenderly trembling my tantalizing tongue up - down - & all around the sugarcoated candy-cane of Christmas! XOs
I'm calling it now. The last one is my Christmas card. Stay away, bitches.
Haven't you always thought that the likes of Ava Gardner, Veronica Lake, Marilyn Monroe, Dorothy Lamour and Jean Harlow would be a lot more "classier" and "Old Hollywood-ier" if they teased their hair into an AquaNet nest, painted their titty balls a beautiful shade of Tang sludge, wore every Wet 'N Wild product available on their face, wore an arm band that can double as a curtain holdback and carried a Fraggle Rock dog? You have, right? Well, so has the porn iguana that is Courtney Stodden.
Courtney tells The Fab Life that she's bringing back classy old Hollywood and stuff like that. Thank EVERYTHING for this. The Seven Year Itch, The Sun Also Rises and The Blue Dahlia are such tacky pieces of trash and they can finally be remade with the kind of understated elegance that only Courtney Stodden can provide. I mean, classic seduction IS contorting your face like a dilophosaurus on the attack. OLD HOLLYWOOD: Courtney Stodden is finally doing it right.
Just like every good Christian girl, 17-year-old Courtney Stodden gave herself tromp l'oeil cleavage with the bronzer of Christ and shoved her iguana feet into too-small prayin' heels to thank Jesus for clear bra straps at her church yesterday. You know, I don't go to church because the wine they serve is way too fucking weak, but if this ethereal Komodo Slut Dragon slithered in, I'd find a way to turn my pew around to worship at her suffocating feet and the 90s relic wrapped around her arm. God would understand, because when he created humans, he hoped that we would evolve into mortal goddesses whose prized possession is a Victoria's Secret charge card. Just like Courtney.
I bet when the collection plate came around, everybody threw dollar bills at Courtney instead. Can I get an AMEN (and a police officer, because I'm pretty sure Courtney stole the purse my mom bought at Fedco in the 80s)?
Dr. Drew's insightful interview with Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison about their unjustified deportation from the pumpkin patch for smearing the innocent retinas of children with their full-blown skankness was a ratings goldmine (not really) and is said to be the frontrunner for a Peabody Award (no, it's not), and so he has brought them back for another future award-winning piece of high-brow journalism. Christiane Amanpour, get yourself some Visine, girl, because I see the envy trickling out of your eyes.
In an episode airing on Monday, Dr. Drew is finally going to answer the question we've all been asking. No, the question I'm talking about is not why hasn't Dr. Drew dropped a 5150 on Courtney for driving the world into insanity with her mind-boggling beauty. Dr. Drew is going to take an ultrasound probe to chichis of the 17-year-old velociraptor who Doug found stuck in the Rock of Love Bus' septic tank. Courtney has always said that her chesticle sacks are 100% organic like the rest of her and now Dr. Drew is finally going to find out the true answer to one of life's greatest mysteries.
Oh, that fame whoring Dr. Drew is always finding new ways to terrify us. Why do I have a feeling that as soon as the tech started the titty ultrasound, she looked at the screen and blacked the shit out American Horror Story-style.
Dr. Drew isn't going to reveal the results of his investigative report until Monday, but I'm pretty sure the only things they find in Courtney's titties are a couple push-up bras her nipples sucked in, a few alien fetuses, her original birth certificate and a key to Mesopotamia.
Krista Keller, the woman who birthed the gorgeous skank-glazed lizard tongue with plastic lips that is Courtney Stodden, talked to The Daily Beast about the daughter she sold to Horace from Lost and everything she says is completely logical and not at all wrapped around a tiny piece of a bull's shit. When the PedoBear Awards roll around again this year, I really hope the mistress of ceremonies, Selena Gomez, rips the Mother of the Year trophy out of White Oprah's cold, sedated hands and gives it to Krista Keller. Krista has earned it for saying these three things:
1. Krista kept her teen daughter from the dangers of dying in an underage drunken car crash by giving her to a 51-year-old creep who looks like a bottom of the barrel Billy Bob Thornton impersonator with factory defective hair plugs. Krista feels calm knowing that her daughter is licking lude residue off of the bathroom tiles instead of drinking wine coolers behind the bleachers.
"These people that say, ‘You could have waited,' I really don't understand this way of thinking. Why do parents think that kids need to have those teen years spent going out with different boys, going out in different cars, going out on the beach together alone? There's a lot of bad stuff that happens in those teen years. They end up being killed in car crashes due to driving with people that have been drinking. Oh, but they're gonna have their teen years. My daughter is safe. I know where my daughter is."
2. Krista always knew that her daughter was just too much woman and condensed sex for just any man. That is why a 51-year-old man who is obviously gayer than a pink flaming sliding down a rainbow is perfect for her. That was served with absolutely zero sarcasm. I'm sure Doug is the one who knew that accentuating Courtney's natural beauty with clear bra strips and frosted pink lipstick was the way to go. Doug knows what's best!
"I could really tell my daughter had the kind of love when you want to marry a man or be with a man. Even though she was just 16, I knew it was going to take a pretty big man to handle her because of her sexuality and because of the attention she gets."
3. Krista thinks her daughter is a lesbian assistant and an overdose away from becoming gay icon Anna Nicole Smith.
"The gay community has been so loving to her. I know that Anna Nicole Smith had a great rapport with the gay community, and I think they've been waiting to have someone they can connect with, and I think Courtney is that person. She is different and stands out. Frankly, we thought she'd fit in better in Hollywood."
Courtney is like John Waters' answer to Shauna Sand, so Krista gets no objections about the gay icon thing from me.
And if you need more evidence, go to Radar to see pictures of a SANS FARDS Courtney looking like she just woke up from being passed out on the train tracks all night. Her chest wearing every bra in her dresser.... Her morning fresh face that looks like she just had dental work while getting beat with a bag of meth.... The poop rainbows over her chichis.... BEAUTY finally has a name.
Two animal kingdoms became one on Mah Boo 369me last night when Anderson Cooper's obsession with Courtney Stodden reached a fever pitch, and yes, it's making me dip a thermometer in Vaseline. Coopertney (just pretend that worked) attempted to replicate Courtney's signature "sedated Komodo Dragon having a face seizure while choking on a heave ball" facial expression and well....Mah Boo tried.
Trying to recreate Courtney's sexy/snarl/idontevenfuckingknow face is like trying to recreate a Picasso using only a soaked piece of cardboard and a palette of wet fart splashes. It cannot be done and it is impossible. The original is a masterpiece. Actually, if you recreated a Picasso with wet fart splashes on a soaked piece of cardboard it would look a lot more like Courtney's sexyface than whatever came out of Mah Boo's face does.
Courtney's facial expression makes it look like her brain is trying to escape through her face and it can't find any open hole, and it takes a special (see: drugged up) kind of person to pull that off. But if there's ever a contest to find the best impersonation of Mr. Burns licking on an invisible pussy, Mah Boo would be crowned the queen of that shit!
And yes, Google Bots, start stretching, because I will be searching for "how to embed an animated GIF into the back of a pair of chonies" as soon as I publish this bitch.
I'll admit that I have Taco Bell meat for brains, but isn't Dr. Drew supposed to be a damn doctor with framed degrees on his wall and shit? Dr. Drew is calmly sitting there as a talking skin graft and a beautiful cracked out hairspray bubble go on and on about getting kicked out of a stupid pumpkin patch, because "the children" were getting scarred by their slutty fuckery. Dr. Drew never quietly leaned over to hit a button that opens a trap door under Courtney and Doug and drops them into an underground mental hospital. Dr. Drew never snapped for two men to bring the straitjackets. Dr. Drew did shit!
I'm going to give Dr. Drew the benefit of the doubt and say that he didn't only have Courtney and Doug on his show for ratings. I'm going to say that after this taping, Dr. Drew left a trail of Playboy pink lipstick from Courtney's dressing room to the back of a padded van.
Despite what the priest at confessional says to you when you cry to him that a slutty lizard keeps crawling through the hole from your dreams to your nightmares to wrap her tongue around your soul, Courtney Stodden did not start out in life as an animatronic Pamela Anderson Real Doll that was solely created by her creepy maker/husband to spit out soft-core porn adjectives on Twitter and constipated sexyfaces during staged photo shoots. There was a time when Courtney was a fresh-faced wholesome girl who probably thought Adderall was add-on sleeves for overalls or something. Crazy Days and Nights (via Jezebel) posted this alleged picture of Courtney before her mother sold her to the liver eater from The X-Files.
This thickens the plot since Courtney's pimp of a mother swears on the sales receipt the devil gave her that her daughter can be sold in the organic section of any grocery store and she has never been touched by a plastic surgeon's scalpel. A lot of hos are saying that since Courtney is 17 in CZJ years, she's probably telling lies about her plastic surgery situation too. But I'm not sure. Courtney sticks out her chest and sucks in so hard while posing that her internal organs probably got sick of suffocating so they traveled up to her tits. She doesn't have plastic tits, she's got stomach tits!
I bet if you turned a wet sandblast machine on Courtney and switched off the switch that operates her terrifying snarlface, she'll look a little closer to 17 instead of looking like she should be passing an apple to Snow White. It's all the make-up and shit.
The glamorous power of Wet 'N Wild, Walmart hair bleach and clear bra straps cannot be denied. Mah Boo would totally co-sign that.
Speaking of shit that should be banned from the world, that burning sensation taking over your eyeballs that feels like the tips of your lashes are growing genital warts and your retinas are wrinkling into the fetal position could only mean one thing: it's a Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison post!
If this precious picture of the 17-year-old reptile bride and her creepy serial killer-looking husband posing with the Lohan family (who are looking less orange and bloated than usual) makes you want to cover the eyes of innocent chirruns everywhere, then you're not alone. Before this picture was taken, The Tales of the Crypt's answer to Heidi and Spencer were kicked out of a pumpkin patch in the Santa Clarita Valley for acting like two nasty, inappropriate, pumpkin-fucking whores of destruction. Yup, that's them!
Radar says that mothers who wanted to spend their afternoon picking out a pumpkin with their families instead had to soothe the faces of their crying children and close the mouths of their husbands after Courtney sashayed by in a pair of coochie-killing coochie cutters and white dick-picking-up boots (and it's after Labor Day)! After the pumpkin patch received complaint after complaint, Courtney and Dog (typo and it stays) were shown the exit. Courtney, being the good Christian girl she is, responded to this injustice by quoting the bible on Twitter:
Have a beautifully blessed Sunday! :) "Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24
21 hours ago via web
If there was Internet access in heaven and Jesus could rewrite John 7:24 he'd change it to: "Do not judge by appearances, but do judge a nightmare creature for spreading several layers of snatch slime on a bunch of pumpkins in the Santa Clarity Valley."
But in all seriousness, Courtney getting kicked out of the pumpkin patch was an act of pure jealousy. How can anyone be prejudiced toward a naturally beautiful sunflower whose eyes were kissed by heaven's clouds (aka Bonne Bell frosted eyeshadow), whose lips are covered in sparkling unicorn semen (aka Vaseline mixed with Bonne Bell frosted eyeshadow) and whose clothes were made for her by the finest French couture house (aka one of those stripper stores on Hollywood Blvd.). Those hating families wish having a sense of dignity didn't stop them from being this classy and demure.
For more pictures of the walking Blumpkin that is Courtney and Doug, go to The Superficial and view at your own risk. Below are pictures of Courtney's obvious idol, The Empress of Lucite, turning pumpkins into lucite chariots at a pumpkin patch over the weekend. Note to Courtney: If you don't want to be kicked out of the pumpkin patch, trade your hooker boots, denim panties and creepy husband for exquisite heels, the finest dress that a handjob can buy and an ambiguously gay boy toy imported from Eastern Europe.