Since we're on the topic of things that will make you barf until you dry heave and dry heave until you pass out in a puddle of foam, it seemed natural to segue into this. It's a touching tale about true love's struggles to overcome incredible obstacles. Like child labor laws. Everybody say it with me, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw.
Per Radar Online, stupid California child labor laws drove a wedge between the most natural couple of all time, Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchinson, while they were filming Couples Therapy and forced them to sleep apart for the first time in their marriage. I for one am outraged and will be calling the board as soon as I finish these bong hits and the rest of this beer that ironically Courtney isn't old enough to drink either.
Since Courtney was still 17 while they were filming, she had to endure long, cold nights away from Doug's aging lesbian face while all the other couples got to sleep together. She had to leave her own home and make sad sexy lizard faces to her hotel room mirror all alone while her 51 year old husband stared longingly out the window with her best boa and her lucite heels on. Life is so cruel sometimes.
I sure hope that therapy worked for them, because in a world with no more Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman love, I just couldn't go on if they fall apart too.
When Courtney Stodden turned 18 in human years on Wednesday, porn companies threw offers at her, because DUH. Well, nasty pervs who were hoping to fap to an iguana in a blond wig humping on human man peen will have to get their bestiality kicks elsewhere, because Courtney turned all those porn offers down. Courtney said on Twitter that she's saving her newly legal nipples for Playboy. You'd think that since Hugh Hefner lives in an aquarium inside of the Playboy Mansion and only eats brown wilted lettuce fed to him by one of the whores from his blonde harem that he'd be into having a porn iguana like Courtney Stodden on the cover of his magazine, but he's not.
A source type tells TMZ that the chances of an actual human saying "Nope, Doug Hutchison is not creepy at all!" are greater than Courtney's naked body gracing the pages of Playboy. Playboy said that they have never put out an offer to Courtney and they will never ever put out an offer to her, because she looks "too enhanced."
Playboy thinks a skank looks TOO enhanced? I didn't think it was possible, but I just rolled my eyes and coughed up a laugh through my butt at the same time. It's true, though. Playboy only selects flowers who have sprouted from nature like Pamela Anderson, Holly Madison, Denise Richards, Tara Reid, Lindsay Lohan and Jenny McCarthy. But seriously, Playboy will regret this decision when they walk into a pet store and see dozens of amphibians jacking their tails off to Courtney's naked cover of Reptiles magazine.
Here's Courtney wearing a red dildo cozy while leaving her house on her 18th birthday.
The Internet collectively barfed earlier this week when the exquisite iguana goddess that is Courtney Stodden announced on Twitter that she's taking time out from her busy schedule of doing nothing to shoot her own reality show. I didn't pay that much attention to that highly important news, because I figured that her reality show would be shot on an iPhone by Doug Hutchison and would probably air after Robin Byrd on Public Access. If that. But now TMZ is saying that after months of Courtney and Doug hitting the ho stroll to beg for a reality show, their fame whore dreams are finally coming true thanks to Vh1. Courtney and Doug have checked into the new season of Vh1's Couples Therapy. It's times like this when I wish that Vh1 had a show called Celebrity Mental Hospital.
TMZ says that 17-year-old Courtney and 52-year-old Doug will work out their "marital problems" in front of the cameras for the next few weeks. Some source (aka Courtney's pimp of a mom) says that Courtney and Doug's marital problems have everything to do with their age difference and all the attention (that they've whored to get) their relationship has gotten.
"Marital problems" is a really funny way of saying, "We just moved Doug's butt plug a little to the right to reach in and pull out some fake problems we can say we have to get on reality TV." Well, the bad news is that the goddess iguana and her gay husband's 15 seconds of fame have been extended to 16. The good news is that at least we'll have a million more GIFs of Courtney looking like a dehydrated lizard having a seizure while trying to catch flies. Think of the positive!
And the next reality show Courtney stars on needs to be an episode of People's Court. Shauna Sand needs to sue that trick for copyright infringement for continuing to stuff her lizard claws in lucite heels. Courtney's toes are always hanging off of her heels, because they want to get as far away as possible from messing with the Empress of Lucite.
Only press play if you're okay with using X amount of seconds of your day and okay with straining several muscles in your face from mouthing the words "what in every God's name am I watching..." on a loop. The porn iguana Courtney Stodden should be sitting in a chair in school, but instead she's using her time to make performance art pieces like this one of her as a cat. Courtney isn't trying to put on a total sexy pussycat act on either. Bitch is acting like an actual cat! This is some high school drama club exercise shit! Courtney coughs up a weave ball, eats cat food out of a bag and kicks litter around with her lucite heels. It's a Sarah McLachlan song away from being the most terrifying SPCA PSA ever. Please spay, neuter (and don't drug up) your pets!
Looking like a come-to-life Ganguro Bratz doll, the heir to the lucite throne Courtney Stodden and her creepy queefbag of a husband Doug Hutchison showed the People of Walmart how to truly bring refinement and grace to a big-box store when they shopped at Target in West Hollywood yesterday. Several Target shoppers immediately left after seeing Courtney in the aisles, because they figured that there's no way they can afford to shop at the same store as an expensive-looking creature who obviously prefers the finer things in life. You're looking at Courtney's "dress" and seeing a toddler's size large tank top, but I'm looking at it and seeing what every French designer will send down the runway at their next couture show.
I'm actually surprised that Courtney can go out in public without get mobbed by thousands of fans (or the police, or agents from Child Protective Services). But all of that will change once the long-awaited (read: the opposite of that) follow-up to her first single "Don't Put It On Me" debuts at #1 on PedoBear's iTunes playlist. If you ever wanted to know what it sounds like to hear an iguana dry heave into a high-powered fan, click here (that shit won't embed, I should take that as a sign) to listen to Courtney's new song "Reality." Or as she sings it, "Rillality."
Courtney tells Fox411 that her new musical masterpiece "is about clubbing and dancing with your sexy partner. To me, it’s a story about lust. It’s about falling in love with someone. Is it in your head, or is it lust?”
To me, Courtney's song is an auto-tuned cry from humanity for the sun to please crash into the planet, because none of us want to live in a world where a trick has achieved the impossible by making a Heidi Montag song sound like fucking Mozart.
Because iguanas only eat vegetables and the fear humans give off when they lick on the dried apricot-face of their creepy fake husband in public for attention, Courtney Stodden is a strict famewhoretarian and so naturally she's teamed up with PETA for a PSA. PETA lost a waxed sloth bear, but they gained a lizard goddess!
As she brings new meaning to the definition of "youthful sophistication" with her rhinestone choker and animal-tested frosted pink lipstick from Big Lots, Courtney pushes vegetarianism and says that she'll never eat a hamburger. (Bitch, stop, you know you'd bite into a cow's tit if Carl's Jr. paid you to do so.) PETA will literally take any trick off the stroll and throw her into one of their ads, so I get why they went with Courtney. But it wasn't smart of them to show Courtney talking about animal cruelty while a tortured Bizarre is sitting there, wishing that a ticket to PETA's headquarters would magically fall at his paws.
The ho stroll has been eerily quiet of the sound of clear plastic bra strips rubbing up against greasy lizard skin and that's because 17-year-old porn iguana beauty Courtney Stodden has been working hard. Freecreditscore.com cast the underage amphibian goddess as a merskank in a big-budget (read: no budget) Super Bowl-worthy commercial (read: it will play during the Robin Byrd Show on public access). Looking like the beauty on a can of Lizard of the Sea, Courtney plays an exquisite merskank who was created when a komodo dragon on high-grade ludes had a threesome with Flotsam AND Jetsam in a toxic waste puddle off the shores of Chernobyl.
Your ass might be thinking that Freecreditscore.com should be arrested for giving Courtney a stage to awkwardly squirm around like she's trying to hack a hairball up while solving a basic algebra problem at the same time, but this was a smart move on their part. If it fails as a commercial (it has), they can always sell it to Discovery as a new episode of the Deadliest Catch. Nobody will know the difference.
If you can't see the video above, consider yourself SAVED! Or just click here to see Courtney as Ariel's sister Achlamydia.
So you're Jason Alexander and in the 90s you bathed in freshly printed hundred dollar bills that NBC gave you for starring in one of the biggest TV hits since It's A Living! (Yes, it was a gigantic hit. Ann Jillian was in it so all arguments are invalid.) Cut to present day, you're still Jason Alexander and you find yourself with a dead thirsty sloth on your head and an iPhone in your hand that you're using to grope the lizard balls on a 17-year-old medicated iguana goddess in a way too long skit for Funny or Die. My question is, do you tell yourself that Michael Richards doesn't have it so bad before or after you cut open your skull, remove your brain and dip it into liquid acid to erase the Courtmares smeared all over it?
Or maybe I'm totally wrong and George is actually into this in a "Why is something jumping up and down on your crotch underneath your trench coat, creepy dude on the subway?" kind of way. Now I'm the one who's going to need to de-courtmare my brain.
Nomi & Cristal, Tanya & Amber, Brandy & Monica, Nell Carter & Dinah Manoff, Alexis & Krystle, Shakespeare's Sister, Lady Macbeth & a puddle of blood and Bartles & Jaymes are just some of the most iconic pairings of glamour in history, and you can now put Courtney Stodden & Chicken Cutlets on the top of that list.
Time stopped, the sun held its breath and the entire city of L.A. went numb last Friday when the iguana goddess and the Hot Babe of the Century joined glamorous forces to melt the rubber off of every pap's camera with the hot shards of magic that jumped off of their bodies with every pose. You will lose all feeling in your eyeballs from staring at PP's "Fraggle Rock refugee" ensemble, but you'll get that feeling back after Courtney Stodden knocks you out with with her Barbizon: Stripper Division poses.
And now it's time for a math problem!
When a slutty train leaves glamour for elegance at noon while a ginger train leaves elegance for glamour, what does it look like when they crash into each other?
Answer: THIS MASTERPIECE OF A VIDEO!
BONUS VIDEO: Here's Chicken Cutlets talking about how she's been named Woman of the Year by
Foster Farms the Leukemia Something Society:
Warning: You might feel the sudden urge to strangle your Christmas tree, shit in your fireplace stockings and cancel Christmas this year after getting into these highly illegal pictures at Egotastic of the underage lizard goddess Courtney Stodden slithering all over her 51-year-old nightmare of a husband who dressed up as Santa Claus. I know, that picture was supposed to be your Christmas card pose and this bitch stole it from you.
Nothing says "Tis the season!" like a gross Santa with cotton dick brows sniffing on the illegal down low goods of a 17-year-old who looks like an iguana in Alexis Arquette drag. This kind of good Christian girl holiday behavior from Courtney is seriously making Jesus consider converting to Buddhism. It's okay, Jesus, just try to focus on the silver slivers of elegance on Courtney's rear claws and everything will be okay (no, it won't).
I swear, somebody really has to start a "Courtney & Doug staged photo shoot or porn stills?" Tumblr, because I can't even tell the difference anymore. And if your skin hasn't completely crawled off of your body to throw itself into the nearest fire, then strap it down, because it will after you click play on this video:
Why isn't a SWAT Team and a group of priests with vats of holy water swarming all over them?! They are disgusting, ridiculous, fucked up, perverted, shameless, dark-sided...and I can't get enough of them.