Charlene Wittstock

Prince Albert of Monaco and his imprisoned, contract wife Princess Charlene sat down for an interview with CBS This Morning and it's exactly the kind of interview you'd expect from a couple who never fuck, can't stand each other and are only together for image purposes. "Awwww, memories" said Katie Holmes.

When Holly Williams asks Princess Charlene how she's enjoying married life, she nervously and awkwardly laughs before letting out some canned answer. If you put a microscope up to that laugh, you'd see the words "HELP ME! OR AT LEAST GIVE ME A STRONG ROPE SO I CAN HANG MYSELF FROM THAT BOOM MIC!" encoded into it. At one point, Prince Pierced Peen calls a time out on the interview while Princess Charlene wishes she can call a time out on her life. Princess Charlene is then asked what qualities drew her to Prince Albert and again, she laughs to keep from saying that it wasn't a quality that pushed her into the arms of her husband, it was a pistol pointed at her back by an armed guard. An interview between John Travolta's hungry hole and a vagina would be less awkward than this. It's a mess.

As Lainey points out, Princess Charlene only looks happy when she's laying her eyes on the hot swimmers. When she's with Prince Pierced Peen, who really does look like a pierced penis head (swollen and confused), she looks like she's trying to find a door or window that isn't locked. If this icy interview came in cube form, you could use it to make the vodka on the rocks you'll need to down to get through this bizarre as all hell conversation.

Or maybe that's a "Shit, I left the 8-ball in my other clutch!" side-eye.

While the likes of Shirley Bassey and Victoria Silvstedt rolled their eye balls, Prince Albert and his prisoner bride Princess Charlene held court at Monaco's Red Cross Ball on Friday night, which also looked like a competition between the ladies on who could show up in the shittiest gown that was purged from the asshole of a Windsor Fashions (SPOILER ALERT: Charlene wins!).

Never mind that Charlene's gown looks like it has weights at the bottom so she can't run when her warden husband isn't looking, she's getting a lot better at faking it in the face. Sure, most of the time Charlene has the same look on her face as a lesbian would have if she had to put her mouth on a soft dick, but at least she's trying. In some of the pictures, she doesn't totally look like a string of vomit is rubbing against her tonsils as her eyes silently sing "fuuuuuck myyyyyyyy liiiiiife" on a loop. Spending her days studying Stepford Katie's manufactured smile has paid off, because Princess Charlene's acting is getting better.

But if I was Princess Charlene, I wouldn't be wasting my time with studying Katie's smile or attending stupid ass balls. I'd be trying to fill my uterus with an heir. I'd command all of Prince Albert's paid whores (both male and female) to lie down in a line. Then one by one, I'd squat over their mouths and tell them to cough hard, hoping that some of Prince Albert's cum mist gets in there and knocks me up. The faster Charlene gets knocked up, the faster her shackles get cut off and she can collect that check (I think).

With all the rumors going around that Prince Albert's marriage to Charlene Wittstock is the stuff fake is made of, he decided to invite three French media outlets into his palace to clear the smoke made by his prisoner bride's heels when she tried to run from the altar.

Prince Albert didn't address specific rumors like how he barebacked a love child into another ho or how Charlene tried to smuggle herself out of the country in Princess Stephanie's coke nose. Prince Albert only said that he's so mad about these rumors that he could spit on the vagina of one of his whores and make another hush hush baby as Charlene hums the melody of a Johnny Cash song from her ivory cell.

People reports that while Charlene held his hand, Prince Albert told the French press that they really need to stop with the constant lies or ELSE he'll put a baby in their wombs too. Prince Albert cried, "What is regrettable is that the media seized on these rumors without verifying their information. I find it unworthy of your colleagues. I have always respected the freedom of expression. But the dissemination of false information is lamentable and subject to criminal penalties."

Prince Albert refused to answer any questions, but he did talk about the rumor that he and Charlene stayed in different hotels during their honeymoon. Prince Albert explained, "Sometimes these rumors made us smile, such as when the media explained that the princess and I had not slept in the same hotel in South Africa. It was for practical reasons of course."

Of course, the reasons were practical. I'd check into a different hotel too if I couldn't raw fuck a South African hooker in peace, because my selfish wife kept weeping all-loud like in her room and the sound traveled through the vents. Shut up, you boo hoo baby! Some of us are trying to cheat on you here!

At the end of the press conference, Princess Charlene was asked if she had anything to add and she only said, "No. I think that says it all."

That's funny. Those are the EXACT words Stepford Katie said during her wedding when Father Xenu asked her to recite her vows after Tommy Girl gave his in the form of an interpretive dance set to the Top Gun theme song.

As us Americans celebrate our independence from the aliens (or whoever, I was dozed off during that part of National Holiday class) today, Princess Charlene of Monaco is mourning the loss of hers. We've already heard about how days before Charlene Wittstock married Prince Albert, she got her passport taken away when she tried to flee to her native South Africa. But now the media is saying that Charlene tried to quit that bitch not once, not once, but three times.

A source tells the French newspaper Le Journal du Dimanche (via Metro) that Charlene even crawled off to the South African embassy in Monaco to beg them to hide her in a laundry basket and wheel her far far away from Prince Albert, but they shook their heads no. When Charlene was caught trying to escape for the third time, Prince Albert made her some kind of offer, which she agreed to.

'Several sources have even confirmed that an arrangement was reached between the future bride and groom.'

The couple are due to fly to South Africa on honeymoon on this week, presenting Charlene with her best chance yet of escaping Monaco.

Prince Albert faces a DNA test over claims he fathered a third illegitimate child, the palace confirmed.

A royal official said that both the illegitimate children were kept away from Albert's marriage so as to avoid 'media exposure.'

Even though Prince Albert's shooting secret love children out of his peen like he's a proud graduate of Lil' Wayne's anti-condom university, none of them can claim the throne because they were birthed out of wedlock. So some hos are saying that Prince Albert wants Princess Charlene to give birth to the next king or queen of Monaco before he unlocks her handcuffs.

The royals in Monaco don't do shit, right? They just put on a prince and princess costume and wave at their subjects from a balcony? They have about as much ruling power as the prince charming dildo I've had my eye (and other parts) on. So imprisoning a South African woman because they believe she will give them the perfect-looking heir apparent is taking this monarchy shit way too seriously. Monaco should just do what Disneyland does when they need a fake prince to wave at their guests from a balcony: hold a casting call and hire the prettiest gay with the shiniest hair and whitest teefs! And they only have to pay him with minimum wage and a couple of free guest passes.