The number one question asked at the Billboard Music Awards tonight was, "Why does it smell like a spoiled chunk of gouda marinating in a dirty diaper on top of a subway platform in the middle of August?" And that's because Ke$hit showed up with her ass hanging out.
The Garbage Pail Kids' favorite pin-up ho actually looks like she was just deflead at the groomers. Yes, that skin-colored lipstick gave her abortion face and her ass cheeks are hanging out (which is a health department violation, I'm sure), but she actually looks clean-ish her. Bitch looks like a male Russian gymnast on estrogen going to a funeral and that IS the look.
And here's some other tricks and tramps at the Billboard Music Awards tonight. In order after Ke$hit: Hell's favorite couple, Hell's second favorite couple, a broke down Harley Quinn, a block of Top Ramen at the ho shit prom, Psy, Justin Bieber's former au pair (wearing a dress accessorized with glow sticks and bendy rubber rollers), Shania Twain, Taylor Swift, an Amish robot and something called a Z LaLa.
To further prove that he's Canada's biggest asshole, the future Mr. Avril Lavigne told Men's Health (via Starpulse) about the time before a Nickelback show in Germany when he and his bandmates were so bored that they paid their drum technician to fuck a fan. Since there wasn't one Nickelback fan around who'd let anybody associated with Nickelback stick a dick in them (Note: Nickelback fans are crazy, but they're not that crazy), Chad told the drum technician to stick it in a moving metal fan (like this one). Listening to Nickelback songs every night ruined the part of the drum technician's brain that operated his sense of reason, so he did it.
CK: We've always been very close to our crew, so we've had a lot of fun getting them to do silly, stupid things that could possibly cause them to hurt or injure themselves in some way. We were in Germany years ago—this was one of my favorite stories—and we were just bored. There was a heat wave going on in Germany. In a back room in the venue where we were playing, there was an old fan with a metal blade. I don't remember the last time I saw a fan with a metal blade. And we paid the drum tech.... Oh god, I forget the exact amount. I think we got the pot up to about 600 deutschmarks. At this time Germany hadn't converted to the Euro yet.
MH: 600 deutschmarks to do what?
CK: Stick his johnson in the fan.
MH: Please tell me he said no.
CK: He took the money.
MH: Oh sweet Moses.
CK: I can still hear the "bleh-bleh-blehhhhhhh" of the blade slowly sputtering to a stop, and this blood-curdling scream. It was fantastic. Somebody has video footage of this somewhere that needs to be resurrected and shown at the guy's next birthday party.
The sound of a dude screaming out blood while making violent love to a metal fan is probably still sweeter to the ears than the sound of a Nickelback song. I'm sure Chad would've stuck his dick in the fan too, but the tip of it would've never touched the blade, so it would've been anti-climactic for everyone.
No, Kelly Clarkson didn't go blond. This is Avril Lavigne's bleached porcupine-looking ex-husband, Deryck Whibley as her and that's his girlfriend Ari Cooper as Chad Kroeger. There's no shade like Canadian shade. The last time I laughed at something Deryck did was when he actually married Avril Lavigne and now I'm laughing at Deryck showing Avril up by looking prettier than her.
This mess of a costume is tragic, desperate and sad, and I love all of it. It's perfect. It's even more perfect when you think about how later on in the night, "Avril" licked "Chad's" pussy in the last stall in the men's bathroom. Yeah, something tells me this isn't the first time Deryck and Ari have dressed up as Avril and Chad. They probably have a sex swing made of torn Abbey Dawn t-shirts hanging in the corner of their bedroom and they both can't bust out an orgasm unless a Nickelback is blaring in their ears. Sucio bitches.
To keep the Canadian shade going, Chad Kroeger lit a cigarette and burned Deryck back on Twitter:
This is like watching a catty fight between an overused butt plug and a factory-defected enema. You can't choose a side. If you asked Deryck who won, he would say he did and if you asked Chad who won, he would say he did. But they both lose, because they both can say that they've bumped nipples with Avril Lavigne.
Here's Canada's reigning royal couple, Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger, spreading their beautiful love in Paris while looking like Cool Dad picking up his angsty 8th grade daughter from junior high school to take her to buy the Wheatus CD at f.y.e. because the year is 2001.
You know how sometimes it burns when you piss and you don't look or reach for a hand mirror, because you don't want to know the awful truth so you just keep smiling through the burns? That's sort of how I felt when somebody sent me a link to these pictures and asked: "Doesn't Avril look knocked up here?" Nope, not going to look. Avril's Emily the Strange tampon is firmly up in there and you can't tell me otherwise, because I'm not ready for the world to end. Not today.
If you read about the final sign of the apocalypse last night, you might've woken up this morning thinking that it was all just a terrible, terrible nightmare caused by the maple syrup butt enema (it's a new thing, check GOOP) you gave yourself before bedtime. But nope, that nightmare exists on earth. Chad Kroeger from Nickelback proposed to Avril Lavigne after only 6 months together and she said yes. The proof is this picture of Avril flashing her 14 carat diamond engagement ring in HELLNO! Canada (via Twirlit). Yes, doesn't Satan's biggest kidney stone look beautiful when it's polished and put on Avril's finger? Since Chad and Avril are Canada's new royal couple, their wedding will be televised live. When it airs, pay attention to that ring, because as soon as they say "I do" it will open up and the portal to Hell will be revealed.
It's not all tragic news, though. At least Hell's tourism board has a new picture to put on their "Welcome to the Ninth Circle" sign off the highway. And at least you'll get in shape by taking up boxing. I mean, if Everlast knows good business, they'll put that picture on all their punching bags.
Here's Avril promoting her shitty clothing line at the MAGIC Convention in Las Vegas yesterday. It's nice to see that true love hasn't changed her impeccable style.