Britney Spears

Brit Brit might be crying into her hamburger bed this morning, because E! says that she is no longer jerking Jason Trawick's beef. Apparently, this is the second time they have decided to put their relationship on pause. They have been together for a year.

Some source said, "They were fighting a lot and have not been getting along. They both just needed to take a break from each other. It wasn't working out."

A rep at William Morris confirmed that Trainwreck is still Brit Brit's agent, but wouldn't confirm the break-up.

Brit Brit and Trainwreck were last photographed together on Valentine's Day when they celebrated their love at McDonald's. My guess is that Brit Brit fired him as her boyfriend when he ate her last Chicken McNugget. That's a deal breaker for Brit.

If Trainwreck really wants Brit Brit back all he has to do is:

And he better include a coupon for a free Frosty in his e-mail.

A little over a week ago, Brit Brit went to the salon to get her weave chopped off and her scalp fumigated. I'm sure you poured one out for all the thousands of mites, fleas and lice that were displaced and forced to find a temporary home. Well, it looks like the refugees have returned to the ecosystem we call Brit Brit's weave! Yes, all is well again so Al Gore can cancel the documentary he was planning to make on this important issue.

Here's more of the Louisiana trailer park blossom holding a bottle of bacon water and an ice blended caramel drizzle cake from Haagen-Dazs while shopping with her mom and brother at Glendale Galleria yesterday.

Brit Brit's weave mites were getting into the bags of grits, so Daddy Spears sent her off to the salon to get that shit fumigated.

Last night, Brit Brit showed up to the Nine Zero One salon for the works! The staff puts on their hazard suits, flea dipped Brit, tamed her weave with a garden hoe and a peroxide prayer, rolled her in Cheeto dust and brought Maaco in to do her face. VOILA!

Brit Brit went in looking like a beautiful and rare Louisiana trailer park dandelion that tastes like 4-day-old Frapp crust and causes you to hallucinate about Christmas when you chew on it. And Brit came out looking like something Hulk Hogan would love to massage while wearing a yellow speedo. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that Brit looked better before.

But I shouldn't worry, she'll be back to looking like her old stunning self when she rolls off the futon tomorrow morning. Yay!

In real life, Brit Brit's natural beauty could launch a thousand shits ships, so I don't know why Candie's dipped these pictures in the Fountain of Photoshop. Dozens of graphic designers probably broke their hands while spending hundreds of hours Photoshopping this to death and back. That didn't need to happen, because Brit Brit's beauty speaks for itself (SPOILER ALERT: it sounds like an auto-tuned fart).

And why is Brit Brit giving us FMLface in almost every single shot? Did she just eat a vegetable or something?

Brit Brit Spears and her equally raggedy ass boyfriend Jason Trainwreck rolled through a McDonald's drive-thru yesterday afternoon for a romantic Valentine's Day hangover lunch since there's no Waffle Houses in California.

Just let me believe that they went home, moved the plastic KMart patio table from the backyard to the family room, threw a white sheet over it, decorated it with plastic flowers (from a centerpiece stolen from one of her cousin's weddings) and tealights, and then had themselves a VD meal fit for a Cheetoling! They serenaded themselves with Big Mac farts and Coke burps. This is exactly how I expect Brit Brit to spend her Valentine's Day.

And here we have the Louisiana trailer park blossom known as Brit Brit Spears going to Target in Calabasas, CA with her /boyfriend Jason Trainwreck yesterday afternoon. Before you start farting about how you hope she's buying a handful of chichi tamers (aka bras to you), this is how Brit Brit likes her titties to look. Homegirl will not leave her house until her boobies look like two wet $1 cheeseburgers from McDonald's. Speaking of, I'm sure Ronald McDonald has took off his gloves and fapped to these pictures since Brit Brit looks like a soggy french fry dipped in ketchup and mustard.

Hopefully while at Target, they picked up some Calgon for Jason, because dude looks like he's been living in a ditch in someone's backyard for years and is barely stumbling back into civilization. Jason looks like he has a hard time using utensils and regularly gets spooked out by TV antennas.

And since the theme of this post is modern day Helen of Troys, I also threw in some pictures of The Empress of Lucite graciously greeting her public on the ho stroll in L.A. the other day.

You know that time (just pretend you do) Brit Brit was halfway home from Costco when she realized she forgot something important in the parking lot? No, not her box of beef and cheese Slim Jims. Brit Brit would never forget that. I'm talking about one of her precious Cheetolings!

Well, this is kind of like that time except I don't think Brit Brit realizes yet that she forgot to put on the rest of her outfit. She's like, "Ahs gots this!"

And you know Walmart is going to do a knock-off version of this mess for their lingerie department.

Here's a few more of Brit Brit and her boyfriend Jason Trainwreck at the Grammys tonight.

Here's another set of pictures of the jerky queen of Louisiana for you to add to your fashion inspiration look book. Don't forget to note that the red Solo cup (filled with equal parts Chek Lemon-Lime and Sam's Choice Grapefruit soda) is an integral part of this look.

Unfortunately, I don't have that fancy "get this look" feature that other sites have, but if you go to Bealls.com and enter in code "BRIT BRIT" this entire outfit will pop up (along with the red Solo cup).

If you staggered into your cubicle this morning with chunks of crust hanging off your eyelashes, the musty scent of regret (smells like pubic sweat, well drinks, and canned refried beans) on your bref and wearing whatever the dirty laundry basket happened to cough up, then let these pictures of a beautiful magnolia blossom make you feel like you just stepped out of a frosted episode of Dynasty.

To play fair, it's not like Brit Brit is running off to meet the Quween on the Scene or anything. Brit Brit is leaving the gym. Although, you know she would wear this to meet the QUEEN OF ENGLAND, which is why she'll always be one of my fashion icons. People of Walmart, take note.

And do you think Brit Brit even knows who the "dick" on her shirt is? She probably thinks he's a character on Family Guy.

Daddy Spears will continue to hold the leash wrapped around Brit Brit's ankle until further notice (probably a year). Yesterday in court, The Commish extended the conservatorship with Daddy Spears and the aptly named Andrew Wallet continuing their duties as co-conservators. Radar reports that this conservatorship is forcing Cheeto Holly to dip into her jerky and Mountain Dew fund.

The Commish ordered Brit to go to her mattress and pull out enough cash to pay her daddy, Mr. Wallet and all the attorneys. I hope it's a big mattress, because the check has arrived and this is what it looks like:

Daddy Spears: $16k a month
Andrew Wallet: $174,569.10 for services rendered from Jul. '09 - Nov. '09
Daddy Spears' lawyers: $183,918
Joel Boxer, another lawyer: $62,965.06
And even more lawyers: $50k

$16k a month does sound a lot for a Cheeto sitter, but Daddy Spears makes her Velveeta grits and that is priceless!

I know Brit Brit would probably like to spend her days sitting on the back porch and sipping on a jar of moonshine in between shooting cans of Hormel off the yard fence with a BB gun, but unfortunately she's gotta get back out there and lip-synch some more. Bills have got to get paid. Or maybe she can make a pretty penny by selling her weave to science.