Britney Spears

TMZ says that after one full season of saying the same 12 words (I'm being generous) while doing what she loves most, sitting down, Brit Brit is actually going to stand up from her judge's chair on The X-Factor and strut away. (Or Daddy Spears and Jason Trainwreck are going to put wheels on the bottom of her chair and wheel her away so she doesn't have to stand up. That's what they're going to do.)

There was a rumor last week that Simon Cowell and Fox didn't want to renew Brit Brit's contract, but TMZ heard (cut to Harvey Levin having a Piggly Wiggly soup can phone conversation with a great big box of human grits that may or may not have been Daddy Spears) that she's the one who is breaking up with them. TMZ's source said that Brit Brit "loves working with Simon" and "likes Demi" (read: barely knows she exists), but that she wants to focus on making music. Brit Brit is working on an album right now with Will.i.cant and Hit-Boy, and when it's done she wants to move her mouth and barely wave her arms in a world tour.

Fox gave Brit Brit 15 million bags of Andy Capp's Hot Fries (that's $15 million to you and me) to judge bitches who sing better than her on The X-Factor, because they thought it would pull ratings up. It didn't. Ratings actually dropped. Fox is probably the one who cut the strings, because there's no way Daddy Spears would turn down another dump truck full of easy money. All he had to do was sit on the side and gently yank on her leash whenever she started to get the sleepies while judging. $15 million buys a lot of boxes of Velveeta, so Daddy Spears would never say no to that.

And I think X-Factor should keep it in the Spears family and replace Brit Brit with London Spears. That bitch needs a comeback.

It's a shitty way to start the day when I have to wake up and say sowwwwyyy to Britney Spears and all of you that I misled yesterday before I've even had my first cup of Bailey's sprinkled with coffee. The Smoking Gun said the story of Britney hopping on BIL peen and wallet jacking is FULL OF LIES. Sad face. I was so hoping to get a head shaving and a bloody crotch shot or at least an impromptu skinny dip off Pacific Coast Highway on her latest run. In my defense, it was on Radar so I just knew it had to be some actual factual stuff. Okay, that defense sucked so I don't think I'll be signing up for law school anytime soon.

So apparently some sick fuck named Jonathan Lee Riches, who was has been on federal probation since April for conspiracy and wire fraud, not only filed the fake complaint against BritBrit but is also at the bottom of the "Justin Beiber stoled my credit card to get a penis" and various other phony lawsuits against celebrities. I might still laugh and tip my hat to his Punk'd game, but this piece of trash drove to CT and pretended to be the uncle of the Sandy Hook shooter at one of the funerals to get his face splashed all over the news and there is nothing funny about that shit. At least he's back in cuffs and you know some of his old inmates that he conned are sharpening their shanks at the news.

Although he is a lying liarface who tells lies, I'm pretty sure that the part in his Britney filing about his small penis is 100% FACT.

Just when you thought Britney Spears had gotten her shit together (said no one, ever), Kevin Federline's brother Christopher drops this little bombshell on her recent behavior. According to him, she not only stole his credit card, but she's a blackmailing SUCIA brother in law fucker to boot! Ah, the days of the pink wig and umbrella are not totally behind us. Nostalgia.

In this article from Radar Online, Christopher gives the juicy details to the Enquirer on why he had to file a restraining order against her ass on December 18th.

In the papers, Christopher says Britney recently “went to Kevin’s house to pick up Sean Preston and Jayden James, and [his] wallet was on Kevin’s coffee table when Britney opened it up and stole [his] Capital One credit card.”

Christopher claimed in court docs that when he followed up on the alleged theft -- which accounted to more than $4,500 in charges -- “Britney … laughed at me [and] told me my brother Kevin ruined her life. Britney made fun of me and told me I have a small penis.

So, let me get this straight. Gross, Britney has no taste in credit cards, hops on every available thing (pulse optional), and the best part: KFed's bro has a $4500 limit (you know she maxed that shit out) AND a small one. I don't know whether to feel sorry for him or point and laugh at his ass. Okay, I do know and so do you. HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!

Capital One...what's NOT in your wallet anymore?

EDIT: My dumb ass forgot to say that Christopher claims to be Sean Preston's father!! DUN DUN DUUUUUUN *Home Alone face* This shit just keeps getting better and better!

UPDATE: Aw man, this lawsuit is bogus. I guess we will all have to put our Crazy Britney shrines back into storage.

Here's the video for will.i.am and Brit Brit's song "Scream & Shout" and this commercial for a million products is better on your ears if you hit the mute button. Brit Brit is arm dancing like she's never arm danced before! I hope she had at least two 5 minute breaks during the 20 minutes it took to shoot this video, because all that arm dancing looks exhausting. Even though bitch ain't got no brows (Note: Seriously, they couldn't cut pieces of her weave off and use 'em for brows?), she hasn't looked this hot in a long time and that's mainly because she looks like a drag queen Linda Evans as Barbarella.

And Brit Brit's messed up BRITish accent tells me that even she would've made a better Elizabeth Taylor than Lindsay Lohan.

After reading about the tragic death of Hostess, I just knew this was going to happen next. How can Brit Brit have a third wedding if Hostess isn't around to make her a four-tier gourmet wedding cake? The words "I do" won't mean a thing if Brit Brit's breath doesn't smell like Twinkie jizz and Fruit Pie filling while saying it.

Radar says that the court-appointed romance between Brit Brit and Jason Trainwreck is almost as dead as her delivery on The X-Factor. Juicy Couture has stopped making a custom-made velour gown and UGGs have stopped bedazzling a pair of fleece bridal flip-flops, because Brit Brit and Jason's December wedding isn't going to happen. Some source says that Brit Brit is tired of Jason acting like he's her master even though there's a legal document on file that says he is. The source said this:

"Britney and Jason had planned to get married at the end of December, but they have been fighting non-stop so the wedding has now been called off. They are telling their friends it's being postponed, but they will probably never make it down the aisle. Britney doesn't think Jason is any fun and resents him because he acts more like a second father than a romantic partner, or equal. Britney and Jason have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for a very long time. She has been staying in a hotel during the week because of the live X Factor shows, and although Jason stays at the same hotel, he is in a room adjacent to hers. Jason feels like he is Britney's babysitter and it's pretty much just a business arrangement at this point. Jason does love Britney and the boys, but he just can't see himself spending the rest of his life with her.

Britney's parents are absolutely devastated that the wedding has been called off. Lynne is very close to Jason and views him as one of her children. Meanwhile, Jamie feels that Jason shouldn't have proposed to Britney if his heart wasn't in it, and feels a little betrayed. It doesn't help matters that both Jamie and Jason are co-conservators of Britney. The whole situation is just sad for everyone."

So let's see, Brit Brit and Sam MerLESS don't sleep in the same bed, have frowns on their faces when they're together and she can't change her tampon over the toilet without him peeking his head in to make sure she's not offing herself or anything. They're already acting like an average married couple, so they shouldn't even bother with that ceremony shit. And Piggly Wiggly shouldn't feel sad about losing a catering job, because Miley Cyrus is still getting married soon.

And here's the Louisiana trailer park flower going shopping without parental supervision in Beverly Hills yesterday. I'm not dry heaving over those UGGette boots on her feet, because I'm too busy staring at those giant bleached footprints on her jeans.

For those of you who are still grabbing onto 2000, here's the closest you will ever get to seeing Justin Timberlake and Brit Brit's faces under the word WEDDING on the cover of People Magazine. People is trolling and this is their gift to you.

So, this is what $300,000 bought People Magazine. They got a cover picture of Just Timberlake doing the LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT LOOOK AT MEEEEEE while his bride Jessica Biel sits there like, "Oh hey, don't mind me, I'm just taking a quick piss on a potty training toilet." Justin not only sucked up all the attention on the cover of People, but he also sucked up all the attention at their wedding. Justin tells People that as Jessica strolled down the aisle, he played the guitar and sang an original song he wrote for her. So their guests had the choice to either look at Justin Timberlake sing an original song or watch the epitome of boring walk down the aisle. What do you think they went with?

I bet when Justin was a kid, he was that attention whoring ring bearer who had to upstage the bride by acting the fool in the aisle. And now that Justin's all grown up, he's that attention whoring groom who is still upstaging the bride.

As for Jessica's dress, she says her mound of pink fluff was a custom Giambattista Valli Haute Couture gown. That gown probably cost thousands upon thousand of dollars and took a dozen people several months to make, but I swear you can buy the exact same thing at a low-budget quinceanera dress store in the ghetto part of any mall.

With all that being said, this cover is a wreck on every level and I'm thankful to People for going with it.

"Why did I just burp up a Frapp bubble? Why am I pulling pink wig hairs out of my mouth? Why do I suddenly have layers of gas station grease on the bottom of my bare feet?" are questions you probably just asked yourself and the answer is: Because we're going back to 2007, y'all!

Former Cheeto puppet master, Sam Lutfi, is suing current Cheeto puppet masters, Brit Brit Spears' parents, for defamation (Side note: I make typos on a minutely basis and I didn't make a typo by typing "defecation" instead of "defamation." I disappoint myself.) and they're battling it out in court right now.  During opening statements yesterday, TMZ says that Sam's lawyer, Joseph Schleimer, alleged that Brit Brit shaved her weave off during her 2007 meltdown, because she was high on that Walter White stuff and was afraid she'd lose custody of her Cheetolings if she was drug tested. Sam claims that KFed always threatened to throw a drug test at Brit Brit, so she tried to thwart his plans by shaving the meth off of her head. (You know, because that's the ONLY way they can find the meth in your system.)

Joseph Schleimer then went on to tell the jury that on the day Brit Brit was 5150'd, she went on a serious amphetamine binge. Brit Brit started her day by downing 8 Adderalls and she kept taking them until she eventually spiraled out of control and ended up on a stretcher. Sam tried to get Brit Brit psychiatric help just two days before her mind jumped out of her head, but she refused.

I don't know who to side with here. On one side, you've got Sam Lutfi who controlled a mentally-ill human ATM machine by shoving meds into her mouth. On the other side, you've got Team Daddy Spears, who are controlling a mentally-ill human ATM machine by shoving meds into her mouth. But Daddy Spears does make a mean pot of Velveeta grits, so I'll go with him.

Sam could be right about the meth thing since Brit Brit did have a case of serious meth weave, but then again, you too would look methed-out of your mind if your daily diet consisted only of Mountain Dew, gas station nachos, caffeinated whipped cream and pink slime (see: Honey Boo Boo Chile).

Remember Sam Lutfi from the pink wig days? Sam Lutfi's that butt leech with a pussy strip on his chin (No, not THAT butt leech with a pussy strip on his chin. THIS butt leach with a pussy strip on his chin.) who switched out Brit Brit's meds for mounds of Adderall and led her on a gas station tour of destruction? Well, Sam's still trying to sue Daddy Spears for breach of contract and apparently he's still trying to lure Brit Brit back in by calling her. So that is why Daddy Spears and Brit Brit's court-appointed fiance Jason Trawick keep all eyes on her Internet and phone use. Whenever Brit Brit wants to use the phone, they give her an empty soup can with a string attached and whenever she wants to go on the Internet, they give her one of those plastic laptops from the Ikea showroom.

A source tells Radar that Brit Brit and Jason share a cell phone, so he knows every number that calls and blocks a bitch whenever Sam Lutfi tries to get through. Jason and Daddy Spears also block certain websites, because they don't want her to read any shit that crusty bitches write about her. (WHO, ME?!) The source said this:

"Britney's cell phone and Internet use is restricted and heavily monitored, and this is done for her protection. Britney and Jason essentially share a cell phone, and it's routinely checked to see who has been calling. Furthermore, the cell phones have been programmed to block calls from phone numbers associated with [Britney's ex-manager, in place at the time of her well-publicized 2008 breakdown, Sam Lutfi]. Brit's computer usage is also restricted in the sense that certain websites are blocked. Her family doesn't want Britney reading negative stories that would upset her. Again, this is all done with love and for her well-being."

The cell phone thing wouldn't bother me that much, because telemarketers have somehow found a way to infect my cell phone, so it'd be nice to have a ho who weed that out. But the Internet shit?! No. One of the best parts of being an adult is being able to look at porn without having to empty any cookies or wipe down your laptop after. I know Brit Brit can barely change her tampon brand without her conservators having a meeting about it, but she made them $58 million last year. The least they can do is give her some alone time with Internet porn and a tub of Cheetos body butter.

You know that plug-in that blocks all Justin Bieber shit from your browser? Daddy Spears should install a plug-in like that on Brit Brit's laptop. Every time she goes to a site that has a story about her, a leavebritneyalone.gif will pop up. Crockerize her Internet!

My ass is sorry for being slower than usual with the posts today. I just temporarily blacked out into a long coma after watching this clip from last night's X-Factor of Our Lady of Cheetos using her vocal cords to actually produce singing sounds. I didn't think this was possible! Either the end is nearer than we thought or she's lip-synching to a track sung by an injured bird with laryngitis lying on the back of a bumpy pick-up truck.

One of the original Teen Moms, Jamie Lynn Spears, is trying to become a country star and has been trying to pay her dues by singing at bars in Nashville. During a showcase at Nashville's 3rd and Lindsley Bar & Grill last night, Jay-meeeeeeeeeeee Liiiiiiiiiiiin (Note: Every time you say her name you should shout it out of the window while holding a dinner bell) warbled out a song she wrote for the older sister who paved the road that led to that Nickelodeon show. The song is called "I Look Up To You" and I wish Jamie Lynn would take a quick second from looking up to Brit Brit to look down at Brit Brit, so she can tell that ho to burn those fugilicious UGGs.

It makes sense why Jamie Lynn wants to be a country star. Jamie Lynn looks Carrie Underwood-ish in the face and sounds like a deaf Taylor Swift (that's saying a lot). I know it's the thought that counts (which is a sugary way of saying "keep your thoughts to yourself"), but this shit is NO "He's My Brother."

via People