Are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie running their own mini version of Work of Art over there, or something? You know Maddox loves saying each day: "I'm sorry, (enter the name of a toddler deity), but your work of art just didn't cut it for us." This is the second time this week that St. Angie has swept her kids into Lee's Art Shop in NYC. Something is going down! Yeah, yeah, we could say that they're just kids buying paint brushes and shit, but speculating is my life juice so that wouldn't work!
They are obviously buying supplies to finish working on the map that clearly dictates their world takeover plans. That's it. Zahara definitely has that "Prepare for my reign!" look on her face and that shifty Shiloh is overly excited about something. She could be excited about running home to sell her toof for MILLIONS on eBay (Who needs the cheap ass Toof Fairy when you've got eBay?), but I think it's more than that. That's not a Nutcracker jacket she's wearing, that's a takin' over the damn world jacket. Game over.
And Maddox is only smirkin' because he's letting the young ones have their time in the shine.
Chelsea Handler probably woke up on Monday morning with a severed Cabbage Patch Doll head ("WHYYYYY GOD WHY?!" - Jennifer Aniston) in her bed, but she doesn't understand why she doesn't wake up with a severed Cabbage Patch Doll head in her bed every morning. Because Chelsea said on her show last night that she's been throwing stank on St. Angie Jo ever since the saint's tongue blessed James Haven's tonsils a million years ago (and his eyeballs haven't recovered since).
Chelsea didn't blurt it out, but I think that was her way of saying that calling Angie Jo a "homewrecking cunt bitch" (in so many words) during her show in NJ over the weekend had nothing to do with her best friend forever Jennifer Aniston. No, they weren't toasting to that "homewrecking cunt bitch" before doing a Thanksgiving shot off of the shaved belly of Jennifer's cat. Here's the video of Chelsea breaking it down for us:
In case you don't feel like playing play on that shit, Chelsea basically said: "I'm been making fun of Angelina Jolie since she made out with her brother.... If I've learned nothing from this, it's to write some new jokes."
All Chelsea has to do is switch out the names. From now on, she should just call Brad Pitt a homewrecking cunt bitch. It freshens up the joke a tiny bit, it keeps the beautiful word "cunt" in place and Chelsea will still get amazingly hilarious e-mails of CAPS-LOCKED hate from the most devoted Brangeloonies (who are locked up in mental facilities with WiFi). You don't ever want to lose that privilege.
St. Angie Jo was so focused on dropping a thank you note (written with slow loris venom and pressed paper made of SARS) to Chelsea Handler into the post office box that she completely failed to the notice the adoring fan trying to get a picture of her to see if vampires show up in photographs or not. But I noticed her ass. BOOM!
But seriously, I'm sure the fan just wanted to get a picture of the front of Angie's Snuggle Bear slit dress. A dress that will later be used to warm a dozen orphans on the verge of hypothermia.
Here's more Angie Jo, Almost Billy Goat Brad (thumbnail #7 is my new wallpaper for everything) and Johnny Depp at the NYC premiere of The Tourist tonight. Even though Johnny insists on dressing like Diane Keaton at a Bonnie & Clyde costume party, I forever would.
The picture above from Awful Plastic Surgery insinuates that maybe St. Angie Jo had her nose pinched, chopped, rotated and screwed once upon a time. I'm sure Michelangelo sculpted it himself! But Angie Jo says this isn't true and swears to HERSELF that she's completely organic and 100% natural. Angie was molded from a mound of melted unicorn horns and the wings of fallen angels, and not from a mound of silicone. That's her story anyway.
Angie recently talked to the Daily Mail about Joan Collins, Shiloh and plastic surgery. Here's a few pieces from the interview.
Angie on being a natural beauty: "I haven’t had anything done and I don’t think I will. But if it makes somebody happy then that’s up to them. I’m not in somebody else’s skin to know what makes them feel better about themselves. But I don’t plan to do it myself."
Angie on Johnny Depp: "It turns out we are both a bit reclusive. That’s why our paths had never crossed – neither of us attends many parties or goes out very much. Neither of us seems to take ourselves too seriously. And maybe there’s something about being in a place in your life where your family is so central to you that you have a good perspective on it all."
Angie on Shiloh being a tom boy: "I don’t think it’s for the world to interpret anything. She likes to dress like a boy and wants her hair cut like a boy and she wanted to be called 'John' for a while. Some kids wear capes and want to be Superman and she wants to be like her brothers. It’s who she is. It’s been a surprise to us and it’s really interesting, but she’s so much more than that – she’s funny and sweet and pretty. But she does love a tie…"
Angie on Joan Collins calling her one of the only beautiful actresses in Hollywood: "Really? That is so sweet and so flattering. It means that much more coming from her, because she is just so gorgeous and cool and has been for ever."
Angie on if she's ever been asked to run for public office: "Not directly, no. And with my life, well, I’m not sure that I would be taken seriously and get stuff done."
But back to the plastic surgery shit. Angie's nose does sort of look like it's been stretched and prodded, but maybe that has to do with her losing weight throughout the years. You know what they say, "When you lose chunk, the first thing to go is pieces of cartilage in your nose."
And here's a few pictures of Angie having a Chico's Kind of Day for the Daily Mail.
Chelsea Handler's life span has just been reduced by 95% and her inbox is getting violated by millions of ALL-CAP RANTS filled with the word "LOOSER" (Translation: "Loser" in Brangeloonese), because she went hard on Angie Jo at her show in Newark, NJ on Friday night. Jennifer Aniston's favorite drinking partner said that Angie is a homewrecking whore (Maddox is sharpening is shank) who doesn't have any female friends because she's a cunt (Maddox just dropped his shank to sharpen a bigger shank). Chelsea saying the word cunt is like a messy French kiss to my ears.
Every hardcore Brangeloonie just submitted a request for a day pass from the mental hospital, because they are gonna GIT that Chelsea!
But seriously, I would tell Chelsea that it takes one to know one, but that goes without saying. Chelsea knows that she sits with all of us at the big cunt's table. And according to Chelsea, that's where Angie Jo sits too. Awkward!
If you were in Manhattan last night and felt like the cold December air was making the sign of the cross on your face, you now know why. St. Angie and almost Billy Goat Brad cleansed the city by bringing out the toddler deities Knox and Vivienne. No need to go to confession today since all sins have been rebuked from your being! Your soul palate is refreshed and ready for more sinning!
St. Angie and Brad took the chosen ones to Lee's Art Shop last night so that Vivi could store supplies in her cheeks for the winter. You better order your tickets to get into the Louvre now, because in six months time Knox and Vivienne will unveil their artistic masterpiece which will turn the Mona Lisa's smirk into a straight-up FROWN! Sorry, Monie, Knox and Vivi's work of art will be the new star attraction!
The Academy has already awarded St. Angie Jo with Best Director and Best Screenplay Oscars even though her movie hasn't even finished filming, because they know that everything she touches turns into holy water-covered golden drops from heaven. But not everyone feels that way. There's been some whispering that St. Angie's movie is about a Bosnian rape victim who falls in love with her attacker. Awkward.
Some Bosnian rape victims think St. Angie has an “ignorant attitude towards victims” and knows almost nothing about the ethnic conflict. They have thrown hate at St. Angie's halo in the form of a letter to the UN asking for her to be stripped of her goodwill ambassador title. While promoting that Tourist movie in Paris last night, Angie put on her all-knowing GOD VOICE (aka spoke into a voice changer set to "Morgan Freeman") and defended her movie:
"There's one person who has a gripe. The absolute majority of the people, population, the cast, prime minister, president have been extremely supportive."
Angie asked everyone to stop throwing heads of lettuce at her until they have seen the movie. FYI: Angie uses those heads of lettuce to make a salad to give to starving orphans who are a breath away from checking into her wing up in heaven. Yup, Angie turns hate into loooove.
But seriously, I love how she said "one person" has a gripe. ANGIE, the glow from your halo is fucking with your eyesight! It's a group of Bosnian woman! A group usually means more than one. But I see what that shifty saint did there. Angie is trying to insinuate that the letter was written on Cathy stationary and covered with cat hair and dried up lonely tears. Angie probably thinks that the letter started with: "Dear UN, What that skank trollop Angie is doing to Bosnia is really uncool...." Nice try, Angie!
It doesn't matter that I have no idea who this exquisite Leslie (no last name) creature is. Leslie could be a one-hit French pop star who now earns her mortgage singing jingles for Carrefour and once got caught giving a married politician a hand job in the back of a porn theater. Leslie could also be Jaye Davidson's half-sister who stars in Rent the Musical as both Mimi (Tues. - Fri.) AND Angel (weekends only). Or she could be Sheree in a vintage Taylor Dayne wig. It will never matter to me.
Everything I need to know about this goddess she left on the carpet at the Megamind premiere in Paris tonight. LE FACE! LE POSE! LE EARRINGS! LE CATSUIT! LE EVERYTHING!
If Leslie is not giving you life, slap yourself and try again. If that still doesn't do it for you, then here's a few pictures of Brad Pitt (who is letting the goat peek out a bit) and St. Angie. Brad is really working hard to embarrass himself. I mean, wearing baggy leather pants around international legend and style icon LESLIE?!
And no, I really don't know who Leslie is and don't tell me! The mystery keeps the tingles tingling.
Hmm. On second thought, let me rethink that title. For my 7th birthday party, my abuelita slapped my hands for kicking one of my cousins down the slide (Well, bitch wouldn't move her ass!), one of my gifts was She-Ra's Castle and I spent most of the day wondering why I didn't get all Donald Duck-ey in the voice after sucking the air out of my balloons (CHILD GENIUS ALERT: the balloons weren't blown up with helium). So that was my 7th birthday party.
Pax spent his on a boat in Paris watching St. Angie slurp on a goblet filled with warm sacrificial blood while listening to his dad yammer for hours about buildings, or some shit. Maddox and Zahara already chewed up all the Dramamine, so Pax had to go it sober. Yeah, maybe the point goes to me after all.
BUT WAIT, are those NILLA WAFERS around Pax's cake?! Okay, let me pass the point back to Pax. Damn. Damn. Damn.
The front of the temple at Ta Prohm in Cambodia looks like it's covered in the same veins that wrap around the claws St. Angie Jo uses to hold down the virgins she's about to feed from, so it's only fitting that they refer to is as the Angelina Jolie Temple from now on. The Guardian had this to say about this made-up ridiculousness:
Angelina Jolie may not have charmed all the locals at her most recent filming location but the people of Cambodia, where she shot Lara Croft: Tomb Raider in 2000, are said to have renamed a temple after her.
Rajan Zed, the president of the Universal Society of Hinduism, told the WENN news agency that the star is so beloved in Cambodia a world-famous Hindu religious site in Angkor has been renamed the "Angelina Jolie Temple".
"It's a 12th-century site called Ta Prohm; it is otherwise known as Old Brahma and was initially named Rajavihara or the royal monastery," he said. "Now it's popularly called the Angelina Jolie Temple."
Just like that, a thousand hardcore Brangeloonies just jumped from the Brangeloonie shrine set up next to their dryer in the basement and ran to call Spirit Air (the official airline of Brangeloonies) to book the next flight to Cambodia! Sorry, children of Brangeloonies, Christmas is canceled this year. In fact, there's a good chance that your Brangeloonie of a mother is going to try to sell you on eBay to raise money for her trip to the HOLY LAND! Maybe Jennifer Aniston will pull a BUY IT NOW for your ass. Now that'll be some shit.
But in all seriousness, Cambodia's tourism board is crazy for this one! They are crazy because if anybody deserves a place of worship over there it's MADDOX! They better get their facts straight and try again.
(Thanks to all who sent this in)