Brangelina

According to Star Magazine and InTouch Weekly, Angelina Jolie is shooting heroin into her giraffe leg arms while Brad Pitt is shooting the shit with Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer is stealing another bitch's man while Brad is stealing Angie's stash and replaces it with protein bars. Throw in a third world orphan, your newly activated Friendster account, me in size 29 jeans and it would be 2006 all over again.

No, no. I don't mean that. Tabloid covers of Brangelina and Aniston scandals are as classic as chin strap dildos and West Hollywood's Rrrrrrosas Lady.

via Cover Awards

The Huffington Post pointed towards an interview between The Telegraph and St. Angie Jolie where she talks about playing Cleopatra ("We are trying to get into a different truth about her as a pharaoh in history and not as a sex symbol, because she really wasn’t.") and how she loves being a woman and loves that Brad Pitt is a REAL man. The more I read that shit, the more I began to think that somebody must've switched the jar of virgin souls Angie nibbles from with a jar of weed smoke, because she sounds like a stoned tween who draws a sparkly heart over the i in "Pitt." Here's the two pieces of the interview where Angie sounds like she's quoting a Bye Bye Birdie song.

"I have an MV Augusta," she says. "But Brad is the real rider. He’s really good." She also flies a plane. But that said, "I love being a woman. I love that I can have children. I love feeling soft, I love being with Brad, I love all the sensitivity and natural emotion."

"I am very lucky with Brad," she goes on. "He is a real gentleman, but he is also a real man’s man. He’s got the wonderful balance of being an extraordinary, great, loving father, a very, very intelligent man and physically he’s a real man," she says, blushing slightly, "in all things that it means."

And then Angie clutched the edges of her pink angora cardigan, fell back on her canopy bed and rolled around before jumping up and jazz walking stage left. Reading that quote is the equivalent of dipping my opened eyes in a bowl of melted, cold cheese. What does she even mean by "in all things that it means"? Does she mean a dick, because most men have dicks. That's how it works, usually.

I was all ready to pull a Brangeloonie move by asking The Telegraph for the receipts, but then I read a comment at HuffPo that explained everything: “ANGELINA DID NOT SPEAK TO THAT TELEGRAPH SHITRAG 'WRITER', BTW. THAT LAZY, PLAGIARIST­, WILL LAWRENCE, MERELY SCRAPED SOME SHITRAG FICTION AND OTHER SOURCES TO SCROUNGE TOGETHER THAT LYING PIECE OF EXCUSE FOR AN ARTICLE. FANS HAVE BEEN ABLE TO IDENTIFY WHOLE SWATHS OF PASSAGES LIFTED BY THAT WORTHLESS HACK LAWRENCE.

Yeah, what Maddox, I mean, what that commenter said!

In an interview with USA Today for that Tree of Life movie, Brad Pitt talks about how he and Angie Jo are staring at marriage together and he also said what grosses out his army of children. Surprisingly, it's not the sight of Angie nom nom nom-ing on the penis root of one of her past victims. It's also not the sight of Brad Pitt cutting a piece of his beard off to put in his bong after realizing that it's enriched with weed smoke. It's also not when Brad and Angie make them walk more than 50 steps on the sidewalk without being carried.

It's worse than all of that. Maddox & Co. let out a hurricane of high-pitched ewwws when Brad and Angie announce that they are going to go spend some time together in their kissing room. That makes all of us go ewwww. The chosen ones are just like us!

Here's a few quotes from Brad's interview including that one about Maddox gagging himself at the thought of his parents kissing.

On the paps always being up his family's culo: “We're hunted. Our kids have to live behind a gate. Outside, there are people with cameras. But I'll take the trade-off. I never knew I was capable of experiencing so much love.”

On if he and Angie will ever get married: “The kids ask about marriage. It's meaning more and more to them. So it's something we've got to look at.”

On how they're pretty much a trained traveling army: “On the road, we're a military mobile unit. The kids have got their stuff down to one backpack, and they're each responsible for their own bag. Mom does the packing; she's quite gifted at that. Puts in just what we need — nothing extra.”

On how his house sounds like such a tranquil and pleasant place to be: “Angie and I do everything we can to carve out some semblance of normalcy for them, to re-create the kinds of moments that were special for us. It's not unusual for the kids to be covered in paint. We have mud fights. It's chaos from morning until the lights go out, and sometimes after that.”

On that kissing thing: “There are no secrets at our house. We tell the kids, ‘Mom and Dad are going off to kiss.' They go, ‘Eww, gross!' But we demand it.”

Brad Pitt needs to stop with that "no secret" shit. When they say they are going off to kiss, they really mean that Brad is going to retreat into his hot boxin' room to make architecture models out of Popsicle sticks while Angie knife fights with her lesbian sex slaves in the chapel. That counts as a secret!

When Angelina Jolie is slowly slithering up to your baby friend, you should gently whisper in their ear that this isn't what it looks like and she's only there to feed her bulging forehead vein by stealing a sliver of their soul. She's not there to adopt them so don't freak out!

At the Los Angeles premiere of Tree of Life last night, Angie Jo created an impromptu manger scene when she leaned over a friend's baby and then baptized him into the Church of Brangelina. Well, I call it "baptizing" but that's not really what she's doing. You know how scientists tag whales in the wild to track their every move? That's basically what the SAINT OF BABIES is doing. That's why when your kid is looking at a black t-shirt at The Gap, Maddox magically sweeps in and steals it from them.

Since Angie is wearing a color other than #000000 and Brad Pitt shaved the grandpa goat from his face, I will give him a pass on that greasy Young Mr. Burns hair.

Well, if you cut yourself on St. Angie Jo's shank-like knee cap, you can stick Brad-Aid Pitt over your boo boo to stop the blood from gushing everywhere.

You know, if you were able to bet your entire dildo collection on what color Angie would wear to her premiere, we'd all have more dildos, because we'd all bet that she'd show up wearing the color of our hearts. It's pretty much a given that St. Morticia will always hit the red carpet in bone-to-bone black. She didn't disappoint at the Kung Fu Panda premiere in L.A. earlier this morning when she wore an outfit that's usually seen on a Benihana hostess in mourning. But Brad Pitt stole the shine from her by dressing like a human skid mark. The only way Brad's ensemble could be more perfect if it was in velour and he was wearing it on a Segway while whistling at the honeys in a park in Boca. An outfit like that should come with a cigar and a bag of chewy candies.

And believe it or not, Brangie weren't the only ones at the Kung Fu Panda premiere. I KNOW! There were others! Others like Jack Black, Marcia Gay Harden (who showed Angie up in a major way), Lucy Liu, Dustin Hoffman and James Hong.

In Tree of Life, Brad Pitt plays a Texan who prays with an angry heart. As a child, Brad Pitt was raised in a religious family who believed that God was everything. And Brad Pitt today has totally different ideas about religion even though his twins were brought to this world in a nest made of God's hair by the archangels. Brad told Extra this when they asked him about God (or as LiLo calls him "G-D":

"I got brought up being told things were God's way, and when things didn't work out it was called God's plan. I've got my issues with it. Don't get me started. I found it very stifling."

Fast forward to this week's cover of InTouch Weekly: BRANGELINA SHOCKER! Brad Pitt Says His Divorce From Jennifer Aniston Was Not Part Of God's Plan! Reunion Soon?

And Brad's words might explain why he's a receding hairline away from looking like Jack Nicholson as Satan in The Witches of Eastwick.

via UsWeekly

As Angie Jolie, Jude Law, Gavin Rossdale and Gwen Stefani watched, Jessica Chastain nearly suffered third-degree heat burns in her palms when she held hands with live burning men, Sean Penn and Brad Pitt, at the Tree of Life premiere at Cannes today. On a positive note, if Jessica's curls go limp, she could wrap her locks of hair around Sean Penn's finger and wait until that shit starts to smoke.

I mean, we all know that Sean Penn uses lighter fluid as moisturizer and has the complexion of teriyaki beef jerky, but Brad Pitt needs to run away from the bronzer bath. Fighting the hot with orange grease is an illegal act! I just want to throw him into a stainless steel bin marked "orange chicken" at Panda Express. Dude just needs a turtleneck and he'll be the front-runner for the lead role in a Robert Evans biopic.

Terrence Malick's Tree of Life starring Brad Pitt, Jessica Chastain and Sean Penn is getting mixed to positive reviews at Cannes, but some audience members gave it a concrete negative review by pushing out their lips and letting out the sound Maddox makes whenever he sees a bottle of Smart Water: BOOOOOO!!!! Entertainment Weekly says that most people clapped at this morning's screening but it's the verbal Rotten Tomato that's getting all the attention. Eric Kohn from IndieWire said, “The booing at the end of today’s Tree of Life screening was an ugly, animalistic thing that may explain why Malick doesn’t do press."

Booing is a way of farting on something without leaving a scent, so that makes it a priceless tool. But who in the hell boos at the end of a screening at Cannes? Did Terrence Malick use a Ke$ha song for the end credits? There are so many things you use your power of the boo on! You boo at your peen after you sit down to pee (aka the drunk lazy man's way of pissing) and it shoots a stream through the space between the toilet seat and the pot, leaving your pants all wet. You boo at your dog when he insists on taking a shit on a pile of old, abandoned dog poo, forcing you to pick up both. You know what else you boo at? You boo at Brad Pitt's Crisco hair, gold chains, goat pubes and saint pimp suit.

Brad Pitt wore this mess to pose with Jessica Chastain at Tree of Life photocall today, but he looks like he should be threatening to gut the shit out of a tardy limo driver on his wedding day instead.

And here's also some pictures of Brad looking like an early 80s porn producer while leaving a restaurant with Angie last night.

During an interview with Extra for Kung Fu Panda Express: Search for the Eternal Tangerine Chicken (or whatever the hell that shit is called), St. Angie Jo was asked about the greatest mystery since Flo Rida's hairline. Early last month, Brangeloonies everywhere stuck their eyeballs to their monitors when Angie was photographed with a 7th coordinates tattoo on her arm. Angie has the coordinates of the birthplaces of all of her chirruns tattooed on her skin twig, so some figured that a new member of the child army was about to get enlisted. But since most Brangeloonies of the highest order already have Brad's birthplace coordinates tattooed on their outer labia, they solved the mystery right away.

When dude asked Angie about it, a contorted look of HUH? took over her face. It's like he asked her to name a color other than black or beige. Or asked her what her shit smells like. Or asked her to explain what food is. You know, things she knows nothing about! But then she got it and answered the question with a subtle eye slap.

"Well, if they know that it's latitude and longitude they would have figured out quickly that it was Brad's birthplace. It doesn't take much investigation to figure that one out. It's Shawnee, Oklahoma."

Angie performed that quote for you at the 5:30 mark below. Skip to that mark if you don't want to listen to Jack Black and Angie Jo talk about cartoon animals like they're real-life people!

And here's Angie, Jack Black and Dustin Hoffman at the Panda Express photo call in Cannes today. It's a good thing that panda is fake, because if it wasn't it would definitely mistake Angie for a long piece of dried bamboo.

The documentary following Chastity Bono's transition into Chaz Bono airs on OWN tonight and so he's been making the media rounds to talk about that and his new memoir. One of those stops included E! News where Chaz talked with Marc Malkin about all sorts of things from why he borrowed the $10,000 for breast removal surgery from somebody other than his mom ("I didn't want to go to my mom with it because it was something she was struggling with.") to Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. Chaz volunteers at a support group for children with gender identity issues so he was asked what he thinks about Shiloh.

He volunteers for a support group for children with gender identity issues and their families. "I relate to these kids," he says. "The difference between them and myself is that I didn't articulate it and fight for it and say, 'No, no, no! I'm a boy!' I have so much respect for these kids that do."

Bono doesn't know Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt and wouldn't assume anything about their daughter Shiloh's choice to dress more boyishly, but the media's attention to the story did shed some light on gender identity. "I would love to talk to them at some point," Bono says, "to at least let them know we have this resource for them if they ever need it."

Even so, Bono says, "People get too freaked out about kids and what to do with kids. If you just let kids do what they need to do they usually have the right idea."

Just because Shiloh is a tomboy today doesn't mean that in 15 years she'll tell all of us that she's a man trapped in a girl messiah's body. I mean, when I was Shiloh's age I wore my mom's pantyhose on my head and pretended it was a blonde wig. Do I do that today? Yes, I do, but that doesn't mean I want to be a woman. However, I still think that Chaz needs to spend some time with Brangelina, but only so Shiloh and Maddox can take him shopping to stores other than Men's Warehouse. Chaz was saying some very smart things on Oprah yesterday and the only thought that passed through my head was: "TORCH THAT SUIT!"

via HuffPo