Brangelina

Today is a day we all pissed in a toilet (unless you're Ke$hit or the OctoKids), which means it's another day when we all get to hear Jennifer Aniston's feelings about her ex-piece marrying the Alexis to her Krystle. Hollywood Life fired up the fuckery train first when they said Jennifer is happy for Brangie and will go to the wedding if she's invited. That story earned 5 out of 5 Zahara Up-Eyes on the foolery scale. Then E! News said that Jennifer's feelings about the Brangie wedding are as indifferent as Brad's feelings about shampooing (2 out of 5 Zahara Up-Eyes). Then The National Enquirer broke the foolery scale and caused Zahara to up-eye so hard that her eyeballs are stuck in that position forever when they said that the Brangie wedding news made Jennifer do the slow-motion wall slide while punching at her Angie Jolie voodoo doll. Well, now it's UsWeekly's turn and their source says Jennifer isn't sliding against any walls since unlike the tabloids (and my stupid ass) she has moved on centuries ago.

The source says that Jennifer has taken Brad, put him in the middle of a giant sheet of Reynolds Wrap and sculpted a foil swan around him before handing her lukewarm leftovers to Angie. The source went on to say this about Jennifer's feelings on her foil swan's upcoming wedding, "She hates it being brought up because she doesn't really care. She feels Angelina can have him. She just wants to move on. Jen's totally happy with Justin. That's all in the past."

This back and forth is never going to end. Jen's PR team (who looks like this) plants one story and Brangie's PR team (who looks like this) responds by planting another. Since Jennifer Aniston only talks about Brad and Angie when she has a movie to whore out, can't she shoot one of her rom-coms in one afternoon (that's how long it takes, right?) and release it the day after tomorrow. Then she can spend tomorrow promoting that shit and she can finally break her legendary silence on this highly important matter. Then the tabloids can finally move on to more newsworthy stories like how Zahara and Maddox are scrappin' over who gets to be maid of honor.

Hollywood Life, your source for all Barfgelina/Analstain fan fiction, said last week that Jennifer Aniston had nothing but smiles for the news that her ex-husband is now engaged to whore pit viper (© Joan Rivers) Angie Jolie and she would even RSVP a yes if she got an invite for the wedding. Well, now E! News is hearing from a source close to Jennifer that the Brangie engagement news has made her constipated and she has zero shits to give it. Jennifer cares more about planning the quinceanera of her eldest Cabbage Patch doll than she does about Brangie's stupid ass wedding. The source explained it like this:

"She doesn't care. She really doesn't. She's happy with Justin [Theroux]. She'll probably marry him. She's moved on. People don't want to believe it, but she has."

Now, this I believe. If Jennifer really wanted to experience a Brangelina wedding, she'd just make her own at home. Jen would make Justin Theroux wear a soft Brad Pitt mask she knitted with Brad's shed pubes. Then she'd put rubber lips on one of the garden lizards her dog caught, and call it Angie. Then as one her Precious Moments priest figurines presides over the ceremony, she'd bust in as Jennifer Aniston. Justin as Brad would drop garden lizard Angie, run to Jen and they'd re-consummate their true love in a bathtub full of ice cream soup. So yeah, Jen is over it (and yes, she's totally going to act out that scene on Brangie's real wedding day).

And about Angie's ring, which she wore while slithering around L.A. yesterday. People says it's 10 carats and cost around $1 million, but UsWeekly says it's 16 carats and cost around $500,000. Brad worked with jeweler Robert Procop for about a year on the ring and the diamond is supposedly conflict-free. The ring may be conflict-free, but it's not boring-free. Brad is a "design GENIUS" (- Brad Pitt) and RoboCop spent months looking for the perfect diamond, and this is the best they could come up with? RoboCop wasted his time. He could've just called QVC, because they have a ring just like that.

It's been approximately 3 seconds (aka the length of a quick queef) since Brangelina announced that they're getting hitched and the tabloids are already stirring the fuckery by bringing Jennifer Aniston into this shit. If you thought you had a few days of breathing before the tabloids hit their covers with the headline "JEN PLANS TO CRASH BRAD'S WEDDING! VINCE & OWEN WILL HELP!", you were wrong. Hollywood Life (the "f" is silent) says that Jen isn't handling the news by making a noose out of Beanie Babies carcasses, she's happy for Brangelina and she's even thinking about going to the wedding. Okay, who gave Maddox the number to Hollywood Life and who told him it was okay to a prank a bitch? The source said this mess of words:

“Jennifer is happy for Brad and Angelina. She is so in love with Justin, that she is really grateful how things turned out. In a strange way if it weren’t for Angelina, Jennifer would not have connected with Justin in a romantic way. Jennifer is in a really wonderful place right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if she even went to their wedding.”

If there's a wedding, I'm sure Jen will be invited and I'm sure she'll tackle Maddox as he drops rose petals along the aisle. I wish. The chances of this happening are about as slim as the chances of my fingers turning into tiny peens (I pray every night for this). Jen isn't going to the wedding, but only because she physically can't since she'll be stuck in a sarcophagus of cookie dough. No, I'm sure Jen will do what we're all going to do. Sit back and watch Angie try to snatch a married Brad away from herself. Let's see how good of a homewrecker she truly is.

It's been exactly six long minutes since the last "Brangie's getting hitched" rumor, so THANK MADDOX that The Hollywood Reporter ended that dry spell by giving us a new one. Robert Procop, who worked with Angie Jolie on her The Style of Jolie (barf) jewelry line, says that she's wearing an engagement ring designed by him and Brad Pitt. Angie wore a huge ass diamond on her left vein claw while walking through LACMA's Chinese Galleries collection with Pax and an unidentified freeway underpass hobo, and Robert says that is the ring every Brangeloonie is going to try to recreate using foil from the mental hospital's kitchen pantry. Robert confirmed that it is an engagement ring and explained it like this:

"Brad had a specific vision for this ring, which he realized over a yearlong collaboration. He wanted every aspect of it to be perfect, so I was able to locate a diamond of the finest quality and cut it to an exact custom size and shape to suit Angelina's hand. Brad was always heavily involved, overseeing every aspect of the creative design evolution. The side diamonds are specially cut to encircle her finger. Each diamond is of the highest gem quality."

Highest gem quality? That confirms Angie's ring is made from one of her own kidney stones.

If this is actually true, then say goodbye to your loved ones, because it's only a matter of time before we all combust from the high-pitched screams of the Brangeloonies after Brad and Angie quit each other. They've already jinxed their holy union by agreeing to do another movie together and now they're really jinxing their asses by getting engaged. Stick a fork (the one that Angie isn't using to eat) in Brangelina. Those bitches are done. I mean, marriage is the number one cause of divorce. I swear that sounded a lot smarter in my head.

UPDATE: Brad Pitt's rep just confirms to People that he was telling lies when he said the first time that they wouldn't get married until I can marry Anderson Cooper in every state. How can we ever trust Brad Pitt again?!

"Yes, it's confirmed. It is a promise for the future and their kids are very happy. There’s no date set at this time."

And Jennifer Aniston will drug Justin Theroux and drag him to the nearest 24-hour chapel in 3..2..

As soon everybody on the red carpet at last night's GGs got over the shock of seeing Angie Jolie not wearing a laundry bag of a dress in the color of black grave dirt, their blood veins started shaking out of a fear since she had the look of hunger sparkling in her eyes as she dragged Pepaw Brad behind her. Never mind that Angie's dress made her look like a rolled napkin at a Valentine's Day party, I couldn't get past her terrifying vampire face. I know that Angie always looks like she's just been floating above the cobblestones in Transylvania in search of a village virgin to feast on, but last night I wore a garlic choker and a clip-on crucifix nipple ring, because she looked like she was trying to drain my blood with her eyes. Even Vincent Price was like, "Too far, Angie. Too far."

And this skinny ho really needs to do a dollop of Daisy on all the veins she's about to eat from. But before Angie ate all of the children from Modern Family in the parking garage of the Beverly Hilton, I hope she gave Brad a hug. He needed one after his brofriend, George Clooney, went from singing "I only have eyes for Brad" to singing "I only have eyes for Michael Fassbender's peen" while accepting his Best Actor trophy:

“I would like to thank Michael Fassbender for taking over the frontal nude responsibly that I had. Really Michael, honestly, you can play golf like this with your hands behind your back. Go for it man, do it!"

And just like that, Brad's heart crumbled the same way the ground behind George's Italian villa crumbled after he told his contractor to build a private golf course for Michael Assbender and him. Michael Fassbender's peen is the new Brad Pitt.

In the halls of the White House yesterday afternoon, Nivea's "Don't Mess With My Man" blared from Michelle Obama's glamour headquarters as she slathered her face in Vaseline, put on her heaviest rings, stuck razors in her hair and chose the perfect pair of shoes to easily rage out of if need be, because Snagyomangelina Jolie was coming to visit President Obama.

With a boost from Joe Biden (he just happened to be strollin' by), a pap was able to stick their lens over the fence and get pictures of Angie and some hobo hipster visiting Obama in the Oval Office. No, Angie wasn't there to propose a No Tax On Condom Heels Act or Maddox's Ban Beanie Babies Law. Angie was there as a UN Goodwill Ambassador to talk about highly important world issues, durr. And I'm sure Michelle stood in the corner with a "No Hollywood Trick Is Going To Marilyn Monroe Away My Man" smirk on her face.

Click here if these heart-stopping pictures just aren't heart stopping enough for your ass and you need to see them in moving form.

Scientists who study the shedding process of constipated snakes shouted "I know that look!" last night when St. Angie Jolie tried to POSE FOR HER LIFE at last night's 77th Annual New York Film Critics Award Gala. As Brad Pitt, who won Best Actor for Moneyball and Tree of Naps, hobbled along, Angie looked like a smug mouse getting swallowed by a mongoose (some Rikki-Tikki-Tavi shit) when she tried to bless the mere mortals with her holy sexyfaces. Bless this saint and her sexyfaces, because I'm pretty sure Brad Pitt knows what's going on behind her and is trying to tell her that this scene has already been won. I declare the victor:

Harriet Potter: 1
St. Angie: NIL!

For coming in second place, Angie wins a chair to have a permanent seat in! Oh, don't worry, the chair is actually a throne from the ruins of the Holy Temple and it's been cleansed in lamb blood, so she'll feel completely at home.

The In the Land of Blood and Honey had its premiere in NYC last night and just when I was about to type that all these events are solely set up so that St. Angie can show off her vast collection of funeral dresses previously worn by a Golden Girl, the breath from my fingertips was taken by this parbaked meteor of LIPS, BROWS, CORNEAS and HAIRLINE!! crashing onto my screen. James Haven took a break from playing evil tricks on the LazyTown kids, to bring his girlfriend (???) to his lesser than sister's premiere last night. Yes, Mr. & Mrs. Pitt were also there last night (Mr. Pitt is as excited about this movie as I am), but who cares about them when we have James Haven!

James Haven looks like the kind of freak who has been banned from every library for shutting the books on his dick in the aisles. James always has an expression on his face like his peen is in the process of getting smashed (and he doesn't mind it at all) or he just got caught sniffing your armpits while you were taking a nap. We need more of him in this world.

In other highly important news, after weeks of walking by Supercuts' "$15 for a wash & blow" sign, Brad Pitt FINALLY took them up on their offer.

Here's St. Angie, Pax (who is obviously mourning the loss of the Jaws ride at Universal Studios), Zahara and Shiloh getting blinded by the light (and not in a Manfred Mann sort of way) while going to see The Muppets in Manhattan last night. I am a little disappointed that Zahara gave her trademarked up-eye the night off, because she could've easily burst light bulbs and had those paps running for the nearest burn center after she set them on fire. Zahara is a firestarter-in-training. Watch out. One ho who should also watch out for Zahara is Croatian journalist James J. Braddock. JJB is suing St. Angie for allegedly snatching the plot of her movie In the Land of Blood and Honey from a novel he wrote in 2007. James J. Braddock, you in danger, girl, because once the hardcore Brangeloonies are granted a day pass from the mental hospital, they're coming to git you!

In the Land of Blood and Honey is the feel good holiday movie of the year and tells the story of a Muslim who is held captive in a concentration camp during the Bosnian war and falls in love with a Serbian soldier. JJB thinks that plot is a Xerox copy of his novel. According to Radar, JJB's copyright infringement lawsuit against St. Angie states the similarities between his book and her movie:

"The Subject Work’s main female character is subject to continuous abuse and rape by soldiers and officers in the camp. In addition to being raped continuously by soldiers and officers, she is forced to become a servant at the camp headquarters, a duty assumed by very few of the captives. The Motion Picture’s main female character is also subject to continuous rape by soldiers and officers in the camp and subsequently becomes a servant at camp headquarters."

JJB also wrote a really long statement on his website where he gets deep into details and says that St. Angie not only stole from him, but also stole the title of her movie from Martin Van Creveld's The Land of Blood and Honey.

If JJB wants to win this mess of a case then he should do himself a favor and delete his website. That shit does him zero favors. The header looks like something that was burped up from Geocities and he writes about the differences between his book and her movie. You are trying to pull millions of dollars in damages out of Angie's pockets, don't give her the defense. But I still hope this goes to trial. And I also hope that JJB does the right thing by asking the other (and better) JJB to represent him in court. I'm talking about Jim J. Bullock! This whole boring ass lawsuit would be so much more entertaining if Jim J. Bullock was involved.

On Sunday in Culver City, CA, a struggling actor sat in his car before a screening of Moneyball and contemplated killing himself. (Note: Contemplating killing yourself before seeing a Brad Pitt movie is a natural reaction. Kidding.) The man ignored those bad thoughts and went into the theater. While watching the movie, the man felt a renewed sense of hope hug away his suicidal thoughts. During a Q&A with Brad and Jonah Hill afterward, the man brought up his story and the hobo saint sprinkled his words of wisdom all over the crowd. According to UsWeekly and an audience member, this is the sermon that floated out of Brad's bong hole:

"Look, man, life is up and down, it's a vicious cycle, but you have to go through it and deal with that. You can be down, but then you come back up again, and every failure can lead to success."

After the Q&A, Brad found the man in the audience and gave him more words of encouragement. The source added, "Brad handled the situation really well in front of several hundred people -- it was a difficult moment that shocked everyone."

Aaaaaand there's another one to add to the "Brad Pitt Saves Lives" file. That being said, if bravely stood up in front of dozens of people to tell Brad Pitt that I'm depressed and thinking of suicide, I'd expect him to either: a) adopt me on the spot; or b) give me the blunt in his pocket. That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down.

Click here to see the extremely dark (literally) video of Brad's suicide prevention moment. Warning: The sound is so awful that it feels like you're listening to this video through a soup can.