Brandi Glanville

One way to deal with your arch rival telling a magazine they wanted to kill you is to Tweet picture after picture after picture after picture after video of you murdering a target to show a ho that you can shoot a gun without your popsicle stick arm popping off. LeAnn Rimes is supposedly shaking out of her Jimmy Choo horseshoes, because her husband's ex Brandi Glanville has threatened to kill her life several times. Because LeAnn is not one to waste an opportunity to whore herself out as much as possible, she sent Brandi a not-so-subtle public warning message in the form of these pictures. These bickering bitches...

I'm all for women fighting over a man and some kids, because it makes them look like morons and that's good for business, but really? Brand is a dumb ass for using LeAnn's name to get 5 seconds of publicity and LeAnn is a dumber ass for keeping this mess going. They're like the Dollar General version of Angelina and Jennifer. I swear, there are a lot of things I'd scrap over (examples: the last Kit Kat, DVDs of the only season of 2000 Malibu Road, a lifetime supply of Jell-O 1-2-3, etc...), but Eddie Cibrian and some kids are not on that list. If LeAnn spent as much time on her singing career as she does on these fame whore stunts, she'd have a singing career again. Even if LeAnn doesn't care about her singing career anymore, she has to know that sending some stupid message to Brandi takes precious time away from trolling around in a bikini for the paps. Bitch needs to get her priorities (and those implants cause they're a mess) straight.

And on another note, these pictures should scare EVERYONE, not just Brandi Glanville. The next time you take a horse out back, it may put you down instead.

Brandi Glanville recently told NW Magazine, in so many words, that if murdering the life out of a luckdragon didn't automatically get you a life sentence in the Ivory Tower, she would've killed Falcor Rimes a long time ago. Brandi said that the kids at her son's soccer game almost witnessed two plastic praying mantises with fake tits go at it after she strolled onto the field and caught LeAnn Rimes having a sweet bonding experience with her son. Brandi knew how Bridget Fonda felt in Single White Female, because there was LeAnn Rimes with her son, her old husband and her current tits. Brandi nearly stabbed a trick in the eye with stiletto:

"I remember walking up . . . and there she was with my baby in her lap. My blood was boiling, and I thought I was going to kill her. I really thought I was going to physically hurt her. That was the first time I saw her that way--she was sitting in my soccer chair, under my tent, she's got my kid on her lap and she's with my husband, and that was that little moment of total irrational fury."

Brandi says that she's never going to make LeAnn a friendship bracelet, but LeAnn gets along with her boys and that's all she really cares about. However, a source close to LeAnn (aka the full-time fanfiction writer LeAnn hired to stretch Brandi's quote to fuckery proportions for maximum exposure) tells Celebuzz that Brandi regularly threatens to turn her into weave glue and LeAnn hasn't been this scared since one of her stepsons threw a rubber snake at her hooves. The source says that LeAnn is thinking of taking a restraining order out against that crazy bitch:

“Brandi has told LeAnn to her face multiple times that she would kill her if she could. LeAnn is scared of Brandi and believes she is unstable. LeAnn’s own mother is concerned for her daughter’s safety too and regularly calls her to tell her so.”

Stupid dramatic bitches being stupid dramatic bitches. Brandi knows exactly what to say to get space in UsWeekly and the only hos LeAnn is taking a restraining order out against are the Four Wind Giants for trying to mess with her while she's flying through Fantastica. But you better believe LeAnn is going to use this to her advantage. LeAnn wasn't going to eat that plate of food anyway, but now she's really not going to eat that plate of food in case Brandi dropped poison in it. And LeAnn was going to call the paparazzi anyway, but now she's really going to call them so they can get photographic evidence if Brandi tries to run her over. LeAnn might've been diagnosed as "lame" by the farm where she was born, but she ain't dumb!

I've never noticed this before, but Brandi Glanville could totally do Eddie Cibrian in his butt hole dimples with her cheeks. That's a sign of true compatibility. Oh, well.

Anyway, thanks to such classic lines as "At least I don't do crystal meth in the bathroom all night, bitch," Brandi Glanville was promoted from part-time foolery maker to full-time foolery make on the next season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills which is shooting right now. Brandi replaced Camille Grammer, because the producers felt the silicone dragon flower got boring and they knew Brandi will bring the dramatic bitch theatrics. But Brandi has been demoted back down to the second string after her ex-piece Eddie Cibrian refused to let their kids be a part of the show. I see you, Eddie, trying to screw with Brandi's money.

A source tells Radar that Brandi was surprised by Eddie shaking his head to no that shit, because their boys have been on camera briefly before (see: that episode where Brandi's son became a human piss sprinkler on Adrienne's lawn). The source also said, “Bravo wanted her to have her kids on the show in order to expand story lines. But Leann and Eddie wouldn't allow it. Brandi didn’t expect that LeAnn and Eddie would have objections since the kids have been on the show before, but they did. Eddie said they did not want the children on camera on a regular basis. So Bravo said that Brandi would have to stay ‘friend' and not become an official ‘housewife.’"

First of all, what does LeAnn have to do with this? It's not like LeAnn is threatening to hoof Eddie in his home breaking dick rod if he doesn't keep Brandi down (it's totally like that). Second of all, kids should be banned from every Real Housewives show, because they ruin that shit. I can barely sit through an episode of The Real Trashwives of New Jersey, because Gorilla Head is always whoring out her screaming, tutu-wearing spoiled snowflakes. I don't want to see them trying to be models and I really don't want to see them sing songs they wrote. Keep that shit on TLC where it belongs. Some hos purposefully don't have kids to avoid scenes like that. Most of the time, when a child starts singing, that's my cue to exit. One time I was on a subway platform and some kid and his father started singing songs for coins. I almost took the wrong train going ANYWHERE to get away from that ear-curling sound. Now I know why my mom asked if there was an open bar every time I invited her to one of my school recitals.

What I'm trying to say is that wings must have sprouted from Eddie's back, because obviously pigs can fly since he's actually making good decisions.

I don't know what's more terrifying: those jorts or LeAnn Rimes bestiality beej face?

LeAnn Rimes and her arch rival Brandi Glanville both resisted the urge to beat each other in the head with their rock hard titty balls and temporarily put all their differences aside for the sake of the kids a photo-op! During Brandi and Eddie Cibrian's son's soccer game in L.A. yesterday, she put on a manufactured smile for the cameras even though she knew there was a good chance she would get kicked in the froat by one of LeAnn's studded hooves. But LeAnn didn't do that. The malnourished Falcor played nice.

You're probably thinking that this just shows us that a pap's camera lens is so powerful that it can bring two fame whores together, but I know what's really going on here. LeAnn obviously believes that you keep your friends close and your enemies even closer. You keep your enemies so close that they'll slowly begin to trust you and won't see it coming when you eventually gnaw their face off and wear it over yours as you let out an evil neigh over the transformation finally being complete! I see you, War Horse. I see you.

Brandi Glanville is known as everything from Eddie Cibrian's ex-wife to the trick who called Kim Richards a meth whore on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to LeAnn Rimes' body snatching victim, but to Gerard Butler she's known as "WHO?!" And that burns more than the sores that will rise from your genitals a day after wet humping on Gerard.

Brandi recently bragged to Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live that she spent an entire week diving down into Gerry's greasy crotch bush and she rated his sex skills an 11 out of 10. While Gerry was walking around L.A. yesterday, TMZ asked him about what Brandi said and he rated her a solid ?. Gerry broke a ho down when he said, "Who's Brandi Glanville?"

Don't you hate it when that happens? It's worse when you run into one of your one nighters at a bar or a party and they seriously ask you if you've met before. You crack your glass with your teeth to keep yourself from telling him that it would probably jog his memory if he stuck his nuts in your mouth. I mean, can't a slut get some respect? Anyway....

Brandi is sticking by her story and told Rumor Fix that Gerry even called her up to tell her that he pretended like he doesn't know her, because he's such a private person.

“He called me last night and told me he said it. He is upset because he is a private person. I don’t lie so I don’t really care.”

This is what Brandi gets for violating the ho code by naming names. Besides, I don't know why she's admitting that she screwed on Gerard Butler. That will only get your name on a list at the Health Department and it doesn't earn you some kind of special slut badge since everybody has screwed on that man whore. If you walked into any bar right now and asked every ho in there to raise their hand if they have ever taken a ride on Gerry's grease stick, you'd see a sea of armpits.

Then again, there's a chance that Brandi never rubbed her nipples on Gerry. Maybe she got her Butlers mixed up and she really fucked Brett Butler.

Mortal enemies LeAnn Rimes and Brandi Glanville resisted the urge to shank each other in the jaw with their clavicle bones yesterday afternoon when they both showed up to watch Brandi and Eddie Cibrian's son play in a soccer game. Sadly, the game's halftime show featuring LeAnn and Brandi in a BONY BITCH BRAWL (which I'm sure would look like two erect pencil dicks sword fighting in a dead pony's mouth) was canceled, because the two stayed away from each other. But the shriveled and dehydrated clitoris of a Falcor did get in a few shots when she sucked on Eddie's face and played with Brandi's boys right in front of everyone.

But Brandi still got off easy. It could've been much worse. If Brandi opened her mouth for any reason (examples: yawning at LeAnn's STUNT QUEEN moves, dry barfing over the fact that LeAnn looks like a paraplegic pony balancing on stilts made of chopsticks, etc...), LeAnn would've slithered down her throat, taken over her body and finally become the Brandi Glanville she's always wanted to be!

Eddie Cibrian's ex-wife Brand Glanville spent her Thanksgiving gorging on mashed self-pity and sweet potato WAAAAH, because she says she spent the holiday all by her sad lonesome self while her boys were forced to watch their evil stepmother nibble on grains of revenge in her feedbag. Since the word "private" is a foreign one to Brandi's ass, the slut pig (copyright: Kim Richards) got on the Twatter stage to let out a long, mournful fart about how Eddie got the kids for Thanksgiving and he's trying to get them for Christmas too. Brandi claimed that Eddie sent her a threatening e-mail about their custody agreement and she thinks he believes she's one of the reasons why The Playboy Club got canceled and so he's punishing her for it. These are the notes that floated off of Brandi's violin as she played a sad song for herself:

@hatecheaters23 any divorce lawyers wanna give me some advice on a threatening email?Its like he is punishing me cuz he lost his job!
25 Nov

@AnnieBowl its always nice to be threatened with jail time & loss of custody for wanting my kids 2B w there only 3 cousins for xmas!bully!
25 Nov

@MsFran53 he blames me for everything bad in his life. I just want to spend xmas with my family and the boy'sd only 3 cousins!
25 Nov

@kntrygrl07 yes, I wanted to stay in sacto 4 xmas day but altho he has had them 2 yrs in a row cuz he cheated the system I hav 2b home by 1
25 Nov

@CherisCheris he will send my ass to jail if it is at all possible!
25 Nov

LeAnn Rimes is usually the kind of War Horse that can't wait to gallop into a Twitter fight, but when The Babble (via ONTD) asked her to respond to this mess, the malnourished Falcor acted like barfing out private shit on Twitter is way below her even though she invented that shit.

Until private, family matters can stay that way we cannot communicate properly and through a public forum is not the way. I have fallen short myself out of anger, but for the kids sake only try to share happiness. It's no one's business, our family business and since you will not hear both sides of the story no one should judge nor jump to conclusions. I do not know what has been said except for what I just read, but it's far from the truth, I will say that.

But who needs words when a picture is worth a thousand stabs to Brandi's lonely pathetic heart. On Thanksgiving Day, LeAnn Tweeted the above picture of her, Eddie and Brandi's boys.

This is the part in the post where I'm supposed to write that Brandi and LeAnn both need to shut the Tweet up, but I'm too busying trying to figure out if Eddie's Movember stache is hot in a 70s pornstar kind of way or if it makes him look like a 1950s Cuban plantation owner who rapes the goats when the ranch hands aren't looking.

And here's a braless LeAnn showing off her Ziploc Bag tits in Malibu on Saturday.

Life & Style says that at a party in Malibu over the weekend, LeAnn Rimes' life idol Brandi Glanville stuck her lizard tongue down the dark tunnel of random pussy juices that is Gerard Butler's man whore throat. Eddie Cibrian better start hiding cash in a bread box in the food pantry (a place LeAnn will never ever go), because it looks like her ass is about to sink her bony claws into another one of Brand's pieces. Eddie has been warned.

A witness at the party says that when Brandi and Gerard weren't filling their mouths with the sweet nectar, they were filling their mouths with each other's saliva. The witness put it like this: "They were at a private beach party -- drinks were flowing, and one thing led to another. Next thing you know, they're dancing together to some music, hands started getting frisky and it was a full-on make-out! Everyone saw it. One girl tried to snap a photo of it on her phone, but Gerard politely asked for privacy."

This is not surprising. Brandi will hump on anything that will get her a blurb in Life & Style (well played) and Gerard will hump on anything period. Don't believe me, if you ever need to make chicken fried steak and don't have a tenderizer handy, just throw the meat toward Gerry. Gerry will pound that meat until it's pan ready. Yes, there will be bits of genital wart skin stuck inside of it, but just eat it with a condom over your tongue.

But still. Brandi and Gerry making out in public? Gross. It probably looked like a banana slug eating a praying mantis and sounded like a Whoopee Cushion getting hit with a sponge full of bacon grease.

Here is a visual artist's interpretation of what it feels like to watch Brandi Analglandville and Gerry Slutler make out:

At LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian's wedding in Malibu over the weekend, the bride's something old was a garter belt made from Uncle Falkor's locks that has been passed down from generation to generation, her something new was a pair of diamond earrings that Eddie Cibrian bought for her using her credit card (but she let him carry the bag to the car, so it counts), her something blue came from the color her veins turned due to only eating the pressed sweat that forms around her mouth during a Twitter rant-a-thon, and finally her something borrowed WAS EVERYTHING FROM BRANDI GLANVILLE'S WEDDING!

A guest at LeAnn and Eddie's wedding tells UsWeekly that they had a serious case of deja vu as all the details of the ceremony and party slowly started to unravel. They say that LeAnn's wedding was an almost an exact carbon copy of Brand's wedding to Eddie Cibrian. Here's a list of all the similarities courtesy of UsWeekly:

The dress: LeAnn wore Reem Acra, Brandi wore Reem Acra

The setting: LeAnn and Eddie got married in a beachside spring ceremony, Brandi and Eddie got married in a beachside spring ceremony

The song choice: LeAnn and Eddie cut the cake to "I Got You Babe," Brandi and Eddie sang "I Got You Babe" at the wrap paper for the movie he shot with LeAnn

UsWeekly also points out that LeAnn got a pair of titty sacks installed by the same plastic surgeon who installed Brandi's titty sacks. And LeAnn and Brandi both drive a white Range Rover.

The source said that during his speech at the reception, Eddie joked about this not being his last wedding ("We've both had much larger weddings before, about 100-150 people both, but we just wanted our closest of friends and family here with us tonight. The next one will be ever smaller though"). LeAnn kept her speech short and classy by saying: "I love you all. Now let's eat cake, bitches!"

Like LeAnn's tongue actually touched cake frosting! Please. LeAnn is watching her bones, because she knows she needs to get into the skin suit she commissioned a team of clone experts to make using Brandi's DNA.

As a wedding gift, Brandi should give LeAnn the exact ensemble she wore the day Eddie dropped her ass. LeAnn's going to need it for the day Eddie does the exact same thing to her. I mean, if LeAnn insists on life jacking Brandi, she needs to go all the way!

Here's BrandiAnn Rimes wearing Morticia's crocheted holiday dress while having brunch with Eddie in Malibu.

Eddie Cibrian and Brandi Glanville's son had his fourth birthday at Chuck E. Cheese in L.A. over the weekend was surrounded by the usual stuff. You know, pizza so greasy you could get Kim Kardashian into a pair of latex leggings with it, animatronic characters that could beat LeAnn Rimes in a personality contest and a member of the paparazzi who was there to capture all the precious moments for their family album (aka UsWeekly)!!!

Brandi and LeAnn put down their shanks a while ago, but this might've been the first time they were actually in a room together. It went off without a bitch. LeAnn didn't slap Brandi in the face with a pizza slice. Not that she would anyway. a) LeAnn isn't ever going to touch a slice of pizza for fear that the greasy calories will seep into her pores and make her fat. b) It would take longer than the length of the birthday party for LeAnn to get that BlackBerry surgically removed from her fightin' claw.

And how long before LeAnn "Hedy" Rhymes "accidentally" cracks her ankle and is in need of crutches? I see you memorizing the exact color and measurements of Brandi's cast, LeAnn!