Every damn weekend, the nurses of the Brangeloonie Ward in every mental hospital go into high alert and strap their patients into straitjacket panties in preparation for a panty pudding flood, because the media keeps saying that this is the weekend that Brad Pitt and Angie Jo will get married. It never happens. It didn't happen this past weekend and it didn't happen the weekend before that.
Everyone keeps saying that Brangie will get married any day now, because they just finished building a chapel and a reception hall on the grounds of their fancy estate in France. But Brangie haven't even been in France the past week or so, because they've been traveling around Greece in a super yacht. Page Six says that Brad and Angie were having dinner at a restaurant in Halkidiki, Greece when the owner asked them when their wedding date is. Surprisingly, Angie didn't let out a long-winded cackle and then tell the owner that he'll know when they get married, because the clouds will open up and Jesus will float down from the heavens to do the Macarena next to Maddox on the dance floor at their reception. The source said that Angie Jo said something else instead:
“Angelina was in white, but she laughed and said ‘not yet’ when the restaurant owner asked if she was getting ready to be married. She also said, ‘We love Greece too much to leave . . . we have other islands to go to before heading back to France.”
I don't know why people keep saying that Brad and Angie are going to get married in that dumb chapel at their French Chateau. That chapel isn't a wedding chapel, it's a holy place with a St. Angie altar in it and it's the place where she goes to worship her favorite saint: herself! Do you think she's going to ruin and taint that sacred place by marrying husband #3 in it?
The other Pitt, Doug Pitt, was on Today this morning to pimp out his dorkafied viral video for Virgin Mobile Australia, and Matt Lauer brought up the anti-gay, anti-abortion and anti-Obama letter his conservative Christian mom Jane Pitt wrote to the editor of her local newspaper in Missouri. Doug didn't respond by making the same eye roll you make when one of your family members posts some "let me reach for the emancipation papers" shit on Facebook. Doug said this instead:
"Moms and dads and kids agree to disagree all over the world, so why would our family be any different? There can be healthy discussion when people disagree with you, and I think there should be. The bad thing is when it turns into venom and negativity and we don't have that in our family. It's open discussion, we can learn from each other ... maybe you learn something."
I'm not sure I'd call it totally healthy when Jane Pitt screams at Brad, "Your labia-licking heathen' whore of a fiancee's soul will burn in the depths of hell and Lucifer will use it as his lube!", but that's probably just me.
All of this has made me grateful that the most controversial thing my mom and I fight about around the Thanksgiving table is which Dynasty goddess is the hottest. It shouldn't even be an argument, but she's still Team Krystle. I know, it's a problem.
"Ohmygosh, you're breathing on me with your pussy-eating, brother-kissing breath, you heathen whore from hale" might be the line going through Jane Pitt's head in the picture above.
So last night I linked to a Towleroad post about how a Jane Pitt of Springfield, Missouri wrote an anti-Obama, anti-abortion, anti-same-sex marriage and pro-Romney letter to the editor of News-Leader. When I linked it last night, the editor had said that the letter was not written by Maddox's grandmama. But then the editor checked some shit and later confirmed that the letter was written by the seriously conservative mother of the movie star who donated $100,000 to fight CA's Prop 8 and who has forever declared that he won't marry Angie Jolie until everyone can get married. Here's Jane Pitt's full PITTS 4 MITT letter:
I have given much thought to Richard Stoecker’s letter (“Vote for Mormon against beliefs,” June 15). I am also a Christian and differ with the Mormon religion.
But I think any Christian should spend much time in prayer before refusing to vote for a family man with high morals, business experience, who is against abortion, and shares Christian conviction concerning homosexuality just because he is a Mormon.
Any Christian who does not vote or writes in a name is casting a vote for Romney’s opponent, Barack Hussein Obama — a man who sat in Jeremiah Wright’s church for years, did not hold a public ceremony to mark the National Day of Prayer, and is a liberal who supports the killing of unborn babies and same-sex marriage.
I hope all Christians give their vote prayerful consideration because voting is a sacred privilege and a serious responsibility.
Jon Voight just fell in love and is texting Angie Jolie for some home wrecking tips.
Thanksgiving dinner at the Pitt house must be a real good time. There's Brad and his mom fighting about politics while Angie Jolie curiously stares at the canned cranberry log in the middle of the table and wonders how they molded a mound of coagulated virgin blood into that shape. I'd rather sit at the children's table and listen to Doug Pitt ask Shiloh where she got her khakis. That's the place to be.
Now Brad Pitt isn't the only Pitt with a foreign endorsement deal. Virgin Mobile Australia hired Brad's brother Doug Pitt to star in a new campaign that will give him a taste of his brother's lifestyle. Um. Doug gets a taste of Brad's lifestyle every year when he's flown on a private jet to Brangelina's French chateau to eat Chicken McNuggets with the child army in the private McDonald's Angie had built in the basement. But seriously, I don't know if Doug is turning up the dork all the way for show, but damn he's like equal parts Kevin Spacey in American Beauty, Brad in Burn Before Reading and every white suburban dad I've ever met. What I'm saying is that he's my new favorite Pitt.
But still, am I really supposed to feel sorry for Doug? Doug has better fashion sense than Brad and if that's really his house, then he's living it up in a McMansion in a fancy ass neighborhood. Doug's chonies probably smell like the potpourri sash his wife leaves in his underwear drawer and that is called LIVING THE DREAM. Doug is doing better than fine. Come on, Virgin Mobile Australia, where's the "Meet Solange Knowles" campaign?
"Okay, who accidentally dropped their detachable balls on the carpet over here?" is probably the question someone asked 3 seconds before this picture was taken.
The engagement ring made from one of Jesus' kidney stones that is wrapped around one of Angie Jo's talons is going to have to wait a long time before it gets a visit from a wedding band. That's what Brad Pitt basically said during a press conference in Cannes for his new movie Killing Them Softly. (No, unfortunately, Killing Them Softly is not a sequel to the beautiful Heather Graham shit show Killing Me Softly.) According to People, a reporter asked Brad Pitt if they've set a wedding date yet, because he knows the angels up above are going to jizz over it and he'd really like to wear a hat umbrella that day. Brad Pitt answered like this:
"We have no date at all right now – there is no date. We're still hoping for marriage equality in the States before we [get married.]"
Translation: "We're going to milk another ten million tabloid covers out of this, so get used to Angie stabbing you with her body bones as she gets right on top of your nerves."
Brad has been saying since the beginning of Brangelina time that he and Angie will get married when everybody can get married...blah blah blah... What I don't understand is that why don't the Brangeloonies make this happen? A Brangelina wedding would be like Christmas wrapped in an orgasm to the Brangeloonies, so why don't they use their psychotic unrelenting powers for good? They should band together and travel from state to state, attacking all of the anti-gay marriage voters the same way they attack bitches online who say anything bad about their Gods. They would turn every NAY for gay marriage into YAY for gay marriage by sheer annoyance. That would be using their crazy for good and their life goal of seeing their GODS get married would be fulfilled!
I'm surprised they haven't done that already. It makes me question the Brangeloonies and I'm starting to think that it's all a myth. I'm starting to think that the Brangeloonies are really just one of Maddox's interns with an IP switcher. Say it ain't so!
Does this mean that Chanel No. 5 is finally going to retire that Nicole Kidman commercial, because if I hear coo out the line "I love to dance!" one more time...
Chanel announced this morning that Chanel No. 5 will be the odor every Brangeloonie secretes when they're in heat, because Brad Pitt is officially the new face of that shit. This is the first time a dude has ever been the face of Chanel No. 5 and it's Brad's first time hawking a beauty product. The amount of Brad's paycheck hasn't been confirmed, but Entertainment Weekly says that Chanel has stuffed seven figures into the lock box held by Pax, the child army's official treasurer. Chanel released this first picture from the campaign of Brad looking like he's hungover and trying to control himself from barfing at both ends while posing for his passport photo.
Unless Chanel tweaked the formula in Chanel No. 5 so that it can be used as a vagina douche now, this doesn't make sense to me, but whatever. My biggest complaint is that Chanel chose the worst picture to start this campaign. This is why Maddox should approve every single piece of publicity material before it goes out, because he would've never signed off on this. This picture makes Brad look like he's really selling enemas. This picture works for Chanel No. 2, not for Chanel No. 5.
They should've went with something like this instead:
Now that's how you sell stank in a bottle.
Angie and Brad are slumping into a state of UGH so you don't have to!
2013 may bring the Brangeloonies a new Brangelina temple in the form of a movie starring the both of them. No, the movie isn't a remake of Rango with Angie Jolie in the title role or a big-screen version of Castlevania with Angie as the spider queen. Angie has already been thinking about shooting a cameo in Ridley Scott's The Counselor and now Brad Pitt is also talking to Ridley about possibly taking a role. Michael Fassbender (that's "Ass Bender" to you and me) will play the title role, a lawyer type who wants to get into the business of selling the bad shit. Deadline also says that Javier Bardem is close to being cast as the villain. Ridley will shoot that shit in Europe this June.
As all of us know, the first and only time Brad and Angie did a movie together, it created a tabloid monster that has terrorized our asses ever since, so I wonder what kind of foolery this movie is going to produce? I know everybody wants Angie to lure Michael Fassbender in with her hypnotic vagina, but that would be so typical. But really, we shouldn't be talking about Brangie being in the same movie. We should be talking about how Ridley Scott better do the right thing by writing a substantial role for the real star of this movie: MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S PEEN! It better have the most lines and it better be the star of at least 3 musical montages. And it better have top billing over Brad and Angie.
You know it's a special occasion when Brad Pitt gets defleaed and fully groomed. Brad got his anal glands pinched and flat ironed his way to Fabio levels of beauty last night for the Make It Right Gala in New Orleans. Yes, Brangelina's maids spent most of their night scrubbing the ass jelly, scalp grease and dick smegma from the bottom of Brad Pitt's shower, but it was well worth it, because for once he didn't have a Pig Pen cloud of stank around him.
That blowout made Brad look like a Keith Urban wax figure made with orange candle gel and a recycled wig from a Jennifer Aniston mannequin, so what I'm saying is that this is a few steps up from bitch's usual raggedy look. And I don't even mind that he's dressed like he should have a stack of cocktail napkins and a plastic tray of canapés in his hand.
Here's more of St. Angie and Brad at last night's thing as well as some pictures of Angie walking around with three members of the child army in New Orleans today. I guess a daily diet of McDonald's and gas station food is the way to go, because Zahara and Pax are almost adult people height! And I see Zahara trying to keep Blue Ivy in check with that blue braid. Shots fired.
Nothing says "Stacy Keibler, please pick up the box of your belongings at the front gate and immediately report to the halfway house for exCLOONunicated hos" like this picture of George Clooney queefing hearts from her eyes while holding hands with his new heartmate Colin Firth at the BAFTAs in London tonight. Finally, after trying out bland trick after bland trick (the robot call girl that is Sarah Larson is not included in that list), George Clooney chose a red carpet escort I can finally get behind in every fucking sense.
You know it's a perfect match when George has a sneaky "I've got the double-sided dildo if you've got a high tolerance for pain" look in his eyes and Colin Firth is trying to quietly scream HELP! with his facial expression. Luckily for him, Colin Firth managed to get away and George was stuck with his other soul(and hole)mate, Brad Pitt who left St. Angie in her crypt tonight.
And before I get to who showed up to that shit tonight to get their award (winners here and Uggie was robbed yet again), let's all throw up our hands and watch as our chonies shoot off of our crotches from the sight of this:
It's not unusual to hump your monitor when you see the original panty creamer Tom Jones. Tom looks like a stick of dynamite filled with Cheetos dust just exploded up in his face and he's still excited about it. This is the charbroiled piece George Clooney should hire as his next escort.
Anyway, here's all the tricks and hos who got glamour ready by spraying their crotches with perfume for the BAFTAs tonight: Jessica Chastain, Jean Dujardin with his wife, Gary Oldman with his wife, Octavia Spencer, Christina Hendricks and her magnificent chichis, an alien from planet Disco Ball, TILDA!!!, Viola Davis, Meryl Streep, Michelle Williams, Penelope Cruz, Brad Pitt, Colin Firth with his wife, DanRad, Clooney and the hot piece who can give me melanoma of the tongue if I lick on him.
As Brad Pitt silently cried for help with his eyes, Angie Jo fed the whore pit vipers crawling under her skin (yeah, those aren't veins) by sucking the pieces of his good shit-soaked soul that are clinging to his insides for dear life. You know, I'm all for shamelessley Angie succubus-ing Brad in front of everyone, but while she was that close to him she should've used her fangs to chew most of his mop off. Not only would eating Brad's strands of grease give Angie some much needed nutrients, but then he wouldn't look like he's a Taco Party Pack and a Miley grope away from being Bradley Ray Cyrus. One would think that a dude would do whatever he can to keep Tish Cyrus from wanting to wet ride him until her cock eye busts into place.
And it warms my soul knowing that Angie's stylist kept their lips shut when they stood back, looked at this and thought to themselves: "This bitch literally looks like a bag of bones." Seriously, somewhere there's a trash can missing its bag and a pair of chopsticks who are feeling all sorts of inadequate while looking at Angie's arms. I bet that dress smells like cold death, dried tar and black licorice.
Here's more of St. Morticia, Brad, his true soulmate George Clooney and Stacy Keibler at the SAGs last night.