Blind Items

Nick Jonas has pulled his dusty purity cock ring from the storage box under his bed and Delta Goodrem no longer has to worry about leaving the bar early after her teenage piece gets carded, because they have ended their love after 9 months together. It's always a sad day for real love when two publicists can't renegotiate a relationship contract. Delta is busy pushing red buttons as a judge in Australia's The Voice and Nick is poppin' his bubble butt on Broadway, so they just don't have time to hold hands in staged photo-ops anymore. Delta's rep released this statement to EVERYONE including The Herald Sun in Australia this morning:

"Nick and Delta have decided to mutually end their relationship. At this point in time, they are both focused on their careers as they go on different paths. They remain friends and wish each other the best for the future."

Somewhere that one Blind Item is re-enacting MiserAlba's "I CAN ALMOST SEE AGAIN!!" scene from the Oscar-winning classic The Eye, because it has partial vision now that half of it has been solved. As for the other part of that blind item, my ass guessed it's Joel Madden, but some put Seal's name in the guess box. Who ever it is, is one lucky dude with a smiley face asshole. That's if Delta Goodrem lives up to her last name, anyway. I know, Delta's last name is pronounced "Good Rem," but that's not how my dirty ass sees it. Spread your cheeks, flare your b-hole, stick your head in the gutter and say it with me now: Delta GOOD RIM! I'd hit it (after running my no-no under the faucet, of course)!

This hot television celebrity certainly has her fingers in a lot of pies… and her legs wrapped around a lot of men. The staff and guests of a certain New York hotel are buzzing over the steady stream of celebrities to her room, one per evening. The festivities start like clockwork around 10:00 pm every night and go on for three or four hours of headboard-pounding, filthy-talking, moaning, screaming fun!

In other news, it seems that her taste has shifted from vanilla to café au lait to dark chocolate. While she first became famous for her trysts with a certain pale singer, her visitors this time include a mononymed Canadian singer and a very famous male model. Yummy! We’ll bet her husband is so proud of his wife’s sophisticated palate! (Blind Gossip)

My dream guess:

Hot celeb: Paula Deen
Pale singer: The Mac Tonight Moon Man from the McDonald's commercials
Canadian singer: Anka (as in Paul)
Male model: The Hershey's Kisses Dude

My actual guess:

Hot celeb: Giada De Laurentiis?
Pale singer: John Mayer?
Canadian singer: Drake?
Male model: Tyson Beckford?

IN THIS ECONOMY, this ho (who ever it is) is wasting money on hotel rooms. Ho needs to get herself a secret fuck shack in the city. All she needs is a studio, a mattress, a sink for a quick whore bath and a cabinet for toilet paper, condoms, lube and a box of cornstarch to mask the sex fumes on her crotch.

One of the Real Housewives couples is in panic mode right now because their world might come crashing down because of one side remark made by another Real Housewife that struck way closer to home than intended. Apparently this couple is barely hanging on but does not want the world to see it and were really upset when a cast member who does not even know what is going on said the couple is barely hanging on. The publicists for the couple are in damage control mode, but that is not their biggest worry. Leaks are beginning to emerge in their carefully constructed cover which was never intended for full media attention. Specifically, friends of the couple have been hinting that the couple have an open marriage and that the husband complains he has not had sex in years and that the couple, who do have children might not have actually had natural conception, especially considering the wife's age and the age of the kids. (CDAN)

On part 56 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion, Pig Slut Brandi swiped at Adrienne Maloof's marriage, so that's my guess.

This child star of celebrity parents is so spoiled and obnoxious that many of his parents’ friends – including their A-list pals – won’t invite the famous family over unless they know the kid’s not coming! The mini-terror is known for bossing around the servers and housekeepers. Who is he? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Jaden Smith? Suri is not impressed.

This deception is almost movie worthy. You have a foreign born B list actress and singer who is barely known here in the US but is A list back home and has had some very interesting boyfriends in the past. Their previous choices makes you wonder how she ended up with them. Anyway, her part of the deception was simple. She found a former A list tweener and convinced him she was in like with him. He even got to fool around with her once or twice.

On the other side of the equation is a former almost A list singer. Now you feel like the singer is not far from playing casinos and state fairs. Anyway, our singer is married to a reality star and has been for quite some time. There are kids involved. So, we have the foreign born star and the singer and they have been together for about six months. The thing is they can never go anywhere when she is in LA and have to really sneak around and use her friend's apartments even with her pretending to be the girlfriend of the former A list tweener. Now though they will have several weeks together alone while they film a new show out of the country. They are going to use this time to decide if the final cut should be made and the singer can move on with the foreign born star. (CDAN)

To recap! A foreign born singer/actress, who is A-list in her country but not really know in the US, charmed some former A-list tweener dude and is only using him for show. Meanwhile, the foreign singer/actress is humping on a different former A-list singer who is on his way to hasbeenville and has kids with his reality star wife. The foreigner singer/actress and the former A-list singer are going overseas to do a reality show together and that's when they'll figure out if they want to be together. Shit, I think I just confused myself. QUICK! Somebody hand me chalk, a chalkboard and Will Hunting's brain.

Ohfuckit, let's just call it like this:
Foreign A-list singer/actress - Delta Goodrem?
The former A-list tweener she's using - Nick Jonas?
The former A-list singer she's really fucking on - Joel Madden?
The reality star he's married to - Nicole Richie?
The show they're doing overseas - The Voice in Australia?

There, that was easy-ish.

Which Oscar-winning star is wigging out over her badly damaged and severely thinning hair? The 40-something actress has gone from her natural red locks to bleached blonde so many times that she’s almost bald! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Paging Beyonce! Paging Beyonce! Please send your wig master to Nicole Kidman's front door. Thank you.

She’s pregnant. It’s still early but she’ll start to show soon. And she’s happy, they’re both happy, but also really, really freaking out. Because around the time of conception, they were both using rather frequently. It’s just what they do together. Besides, she thought she was past the point of another child. So it was a surprise, to say the least. A pleasant one, yes, but she’s not sure if it’s one she wants to keep. She is convinced the child will not be right. She is convinced, in her mind, in her words, that she’ll “be paying for it” for the rest of her life, in the form of care and stress, and that this will be her punishment for such recklessness - to be attached to a kid that will need her, in ways she’s afraid to imagine, forever. She’s also super paranoid that if she does have their baby and the baby has health problems, he’ll turn and blame her, and be disgusted by her, and leave her. Without all his access, it’s a totally different life. And ultimately she still wants to be desired, she prioritises being desired. It’s a decision she is agonising over but she’s running out of time.

The good news? The drugs have stopped completely. (Lainey Gossip)

I want to say Rebecca Gayheart and McSteamy, but she JUST birthed one out. I've got nothing to put into the guess box.

Ever wondered why this former A++ list tweener and her very good looking B list movie actor broke up for a short time? Everyone thought it was because she cheated. She did. Turns out she had sex with the brother of her boyfriend and thought no one would find out. She says she was drunk. Lets hope his wife does not find out. (CDAN)

Miley Cyrus, Liam Hemsworth (the B-list movie actor) and his brother Chris Hemsworth? How is it possible that we're living in a world where swamp trash like Miley gets to slide her hillbilly chipmunk teeth on not one hot Australian peen, but two? Oh well, I guess it's the universe's way of apologizing to her for making Billy Ray Cyrus her pappy.

Back not so very long ago this then A+ list television actor guest starred on the number one show at that time which was on the air for many years. The actor was and is married at the time. His role was as the boyfriend of one of the characters. Well, while filming his arc he quickly ended up hooking up with this other actress on the show who is an A list movie actress now. That relationship did not break up our actor's marriage but it broke up her long term relationship. (CDAN)

Only because I am thirsty for some Golden Girls gossip all the time, I'm to going to guess this is that trollop Betty White and the dude who played Stan? But it's probably Tom Selleck and Jennifer Aniston like everyone at CDAN is guessing.

New faux couple alert! She’s a beautiful up and coming actress. He’s already starred in several movies and is a teen favorite. She has a big film opening very soon, but needs a higher profile so she can score top billing in a film. He has several films opening this year – and another half dozen in development – but could use a beard. They make a very attractive fake couple, they share an agent, and their faux union has the blessing of their respective PR teams, so… bring on the fake dates, the red carpets, and the paparazzi! (Blind Gossip)

Lily Collins and pretty pretty princess Zac Efron?

There is an area in Griffith Park where you can take the kiddies for a train ride. A certain actor used to enjoy taking men for another kind of ride in the same area. He would cruise the park, pick up a guy, and then hook up with them in his car. The really ironic thing here is that the actor is so religious that when he was a teen heartthrob (a couple of decades ago) he used to insist that any dialogue that was even the slightest bit sexual or profane be removed from his lines because they violated his sense of decency. He’s all grown up now – and still cruises for guys – but we’re sure his wife really appreciates what a moral man she married. (Blind Gossip)

The Prop 8-loving, gay marriage hating homophobe crazy that is Kirk Cameron? Please oh please let a future cover of The National Enquirer have one of Kirk's tricks on it with the headline: "Kirk Cameron Sucked My Growing Pain." It's the gift my 2012 needs.

He is a B list actor. Good looking. Generally television and very well known. His wife is probably a C list actress who used to be bigger a few years ago but has struggled with drugs for some time. So has our actor. The two of them are probably not your best candidates for parenthood in the first place and the stress of being parents while also trying to save their marriage and stay off drugs has not worked well. The mom is currently taking Adderall to lose weight and when that was not working to get rid of her pregnancy weight she turned to coke too. She wants to get back in movies but is too lazy to exercise so prefers the drug route. Although she has not snorted coke while breastfeeding she did snort coke while holding a bottle for her baby. Close enough? Oh and she dos breastfeed because she heard it will make her lose weight faster. As for dad? When he is not working on his show he is generally partying and drinking. He feels like if he can drink enough at night it keeps him off coke. He went to rehab for crack and tries to stay away from coke. Just booze for him although he is not above doing a little coke when he and his wife have friends over. Yes, while the child(ren) are in the house. (CDAN)

Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart? If this is them, then The Noxzema Girl should not go back to acting in movies when it's obvious that her true calling is writing books for moms who are trying to juggle their baby in one hand and their coke straw in the other. Gayheart proves that you can be a devoted mother and a huge coke whore at the same time. You can have it all. White Oprah can write the foreword.

Which C list film actress from a popular franchise, just got a tattoo (while she was completely wasted) on her inner thigh that says “Great Wall of Vagina?" (BuzzFoto)

Ashley Greene and I'm sure she got it a while ago when she was with Joe Jonas to match the "Great Wall of Mangina" tattoo on one of his ass lips.

What member of a foreign royal family was caught inhaling disco dust in a nightclub bathroom during a recent sporting event? (Page Six)

Duchess of Alba? But that wasn't disco dust. It was ground diamonds, which is how she keeps the dandelion of star dust strands on her head so sparkly.

This could also be Princess Stephanie or Prince Albert? Don't guess Prince Hot Ginge, because he has proven that he won't snort it unless it comes in a bottle, is of Russian descent and used to be a potato.

What soon to be A list movie actor's girlfriend who is also moving up the list quite nicely is convinced that she can keep him from wanting guys. She told a friend of hers the other day that as long as she stays kinky enough he will want her and not any of the guys he used to date. Hey, it worked for Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz for awhile. (CDAN)

Bradley Cooper and Zoe Saldana? This will only work if by "kinky" she means she'll turn her poon into a peen, change her name to Victor Garber and memorize every single lyric in every single show tune that's ever been written.

This singer’s sexuality has been questioned over and over again, but he does have a steady girlfriend with whom he attends awards shows. While he was out on tour, he had a fling with a fan. She soon discovered that he had given her herpes. She decided to sue him, and in the course of preparing her suit, wound up contacting his girlfriend. The girlfriend, who was surprisingly nonchalant about the whole thing, simply remarked, “Well, you’re certainly not the first one. We’ve been dealing with this situation for a long time.” It turns out that this singer is a one-man herpes distribution center. (Blind Gossip)

Doesn't Derek Jeter already have the title "one-man herpes distribution center" trademarked? LAWSUIT! I'll guess this is John Legend or Ne-Yo?

In honor of Australia Day, I thought I would make this blind item Australian. This actress is formerly A list, but now a good solid B. Back in the day when she got her role that made her internationally famous she got the role by sleeping with not just the casting director, but also this rounadabout Australian who was a friend of the director and was already bored with his wife. A further clue is this actress got naked in the movie for which she was cast. (CDAN)

The B-lister: Nicole Kidman?
The movie: Dead Calm?
The roundabout Australian: I'm thinking that "roundabout" Australian means that he wasn't born an Australian, but he somehow fell into being Australian. Sort of like this one asshole I used to hookup with who told me that he was with ladies through most of his life and then one day he got drunk, fell into a man anus peen first, realized he loved it and then magically turned gay. A roundabout gay! (Not-so-fun-fact: He went back to vagina after me.) On that note, I'll guess Mel Gibson?

And I really wish Nicole would go back to the overgrown Annie fro.

A pregnancy in a family is normally happy news. Not so much for this over-30 actress. She is pregnant again, but unsure whether or not she wants to carry this baby to term. You see, she was planning on asking her husband for a divorce this year, and another baby with him was just not part of the plan. She told her friends that her reaction when she saw the positive pregnancy test was "Oh, no! Not another one!" She is only about 4 weeks along, so there is still plenty of time to decide. And since they have lots of money and are already good parents to their existing child/ren, keeping the baby wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. But she really needs to tell her husband first. That's right: you know about the pregnancy before he does. (Blind Gossip)

Gwen Stefani is only an actress if the definition for actress suddenly traded places with the definition for singer, so it's not her. Stepford Katie's vagina has a Scientology-made chastity belt over it and the Scientology scientists will only open it to knock her up again with L. Ron Hubbard's frozen sperm and she's still got a few years left on her contract, so it can't be her either. This might be GOOPY Paltrow. But I'm not sure if they even get down like that anymore, because every time they try she gets the Master Cleanse wet shits again.

Her significant other tricked her, plain and simple. This B+ movie actress who has been nominated for the biggest of the big awards has been involved in a relationship with this almost A list movie actor. He has cheated. Lots. They even took a month long break. Then he came back to her and apologized and she made him tell her who he had been cheating with and he promised to remove the woman from her life. He has. So what is the big deal you ask? There were two women, not just one and he gave up the one he had already called it quits with. The other one is right there. Everyday. It is the nanny. Doesn't our actress realize it? Everyone of their friends knows it and it is right there but she seems oblivious because she thinks he got rid of the mistress. (CDAN)

I'll just leave this picture of Naomi Watts, Liev Schreiber and two possible nannies here.

It is really hard to believe this former A- list boy bander and now a C who kind of was his own one boy band has always been in the closet. Despite every single public romance he has had with a woman he has always wanted to come out. He has been caught so many times and given the perfect opportunity to come out, but he keeps waiting and waiting.

He dated this at the time, huge tween actress for a very long time but most of the time she was having sex with our boy bander's brother. The brother is where she was rumored to have picked up the gift that keeps on giving. The good news for the brother was that since the boy bander was "dating" her, the brother never got in trouble for having sex with a minor for almost a year.

One time our boy bander was on tour with a different girlfriend. This girlfriend was a singer and is now an actress or she may still be both. Anyway, this actress/singer had no clue that our boy bander liked guys and was a virgin at the time. She got the gift that keeps on giving from a different band guy. Anyway, the virgin walked in on our boy bander on his knees servicing one of his male backup dancers. About an hour later the virgin was gone.

One of the boy banders best "girlfriends" was with this celebutante who made her name in some sex tape action and a reality show. Anyway, she was totally into the fact that our boy bander liked guys and was into having threesomes. She moved on though because a celebrity couple offered her more money to come stay with them for awhile.

I don't think there is any truth to the rumor that our boy bander had sex with the celebrity father of one of his other "girlfriends." She is also a celebrity, although I wish she was not. (CDAN)

Jonathan Knight has already waved his I Love Peen flag high up in the air, so I can cross him off the list (although, I'm still waiting for Jordan Knight to wave his). JC Chasez has a brother, but he doesn't fit into the rest of this shit. The Maddens didn't really fit all the way either, so I'll go with The Carters!

Gaybander: Nick Carter?
Huge Tween Actress: I don't know!
Brother: Aaron Carter?
Virgin actress/singer: Willa Ford?
Celebutard turned fuck tape star: Parasite Hilton?
Girlfriend whose father the gaybander didn't sex on: Tila Tequila (HA)?

or

Gaybander: Aaron Carter (even though he never touched the A-list and was never in a boy band)
Huge Tween Actress: Lindsay Lohan?
Brother: Nick Carter?
Virgin actress/singer: Hilary Duff?
Celebutard turned fuck tape star: Kari Ann Peniche?
Girlfriend whose father the gaybander didn't sex on: Brooke Hogan?

And since we're on the subject of one of the Carters being gay.... I wish I was making this next part up, but I'm not. Some dude I dated for like three weeks kept a framed picture of Nick Carter on a table next to his sofa. I figured that shit just came with the frame, but I was wrong. This motherfucker told me that Nick Carter is his favorite dude to jack off to, so it's easier for him to just leave a picture of Nick Carter out all the time instead of pulling up pictures of Nick Carter on his laptop every time he's jack it. Practical? Yes. Something I needed to know? No.

How could I get it on with him on the sofa if I knew he was just picturing me as a portrait of Nick Carter in a Pottery Barn frame? Okay, I could and did, but still.

Sundance Blind Item - This what now counts for an A list Tween television actress was flirting heavily with this director who is the boyfriend of this usually annoying B list movie actress. Anyway, the director was going to keep it at flirting until the tweener told him she was over 18(barely). Hello hotel room. I'm sure the excuse he gave to his girlfriend for missing her big event was priceless. Our B list actress was out of her mind ticked off. (CDAN)

Demi Lovato (or that chick on iCarly), Kate Bosworth and Michael Polish?

This young celebrity is gay. His parents didn’t feel that his sexual orientation would enable him to be successful, so they pushed him into marriage early to maintain that wholesome family image and to quash gay rumors. They picked out a star struck young lady for him, and quickly announced their engagement. Imagine the young girl’s surprise when she found out that her sexy new husband didn’t want to have sexy time with her. They do smile and kiss while posing for PR photos, but then he goes cruising for guys on the internet. He also likes to hit up the gay bars when he’s in LA. You might think that he has the best of both worlds, but he is actually miserable in the fake marriage. For right now, though, he just isn’t strong enough to get out… or come out. (Blind Gossip)

Kevin Jonas, but I'm going to blind myself to this blind item, because Joe Jonas is supposed to be the gay one.

Which squeaky-clean pop star is desperately trying to keep his pot-smoking habit and hookups with a Las Vegas hooker under wraps? The young crooner's famous girlfriend wouldn't care so much about his wacky weed habit, but she probably wouldn't appreciate the cheating! (National Enquirer via Gawker)

Justin Bieber? But he's obviously not toking up enough. He needs to smoke from his SpongeBong until the good shit does us all right by numbing his tongue and the rest of his yodeling parts.

She’s off her meds, and it’s not good. She has returned to the very behavior that got her into so much trouble in the first place, including the drugs and the alcohol and the self-harming.

It’s almost surreal to hear her spout absolute bullshit about being healthy and happy and sober when she is exactly the opposite. In fact, just a week ago she was out at some madhouse of a bar, drunk off her ass, doing multiple shots and snorting coke in the bathroom.

Let’s cut to the chase, and get more direct: Look, we know that you and your friends are reading this. It is absolute madness for you to think that this will end well. You are a beautiful and talented girl, but you ARE going to lose your fans and your career and probably your life if you keep this up.

Remember how upset one of your siblings was when someone picked on them? Do you realize how much more emotionally destroyed they would be if you actually died? You should think about that, because that is exactly where you are heading right now. We don’t care if you lie to people about what your problems are. We don’t care if you pretend that you are going on vacation. Just get yourself back into rehab (or treatment, if it makes you feel better to call it that), and get well. Now. (Blind Gossip)

DAMN. Am I the only who got shades of Tyra's melodramatic WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU speech? I need a shot of coke and a line of booze after reading that. I'm not even a cutter or a snorter (only neti pot water) and I feel like maybe I need to check into rehab.

This is probably about Demi Lovato, and yeah, she should probably disembark from the Lohan Express at the next station.

Which B list celebrity couple who have been together for a while, has an open marriage where they ‘trade spouses’ with this C list actress married to a B list musician? (BuzzFoto)

B list couple = Goldie Hawn & Kurt Russell?
C list actress and B (even though he's an A) list musician: Trudie Styler & Sting?

All those kinky freaks like to OM through their genitals until they bust out dry orgasms.

Which squeaky-clean actor’s drug habit is so bad, he’s starting to get a reputation and be passed over for big roles? (Page Six)

Topher Grace!

This former almost A list R&B singer who is still gorgeous, but has not had a hit in awhile and has been in this space before has been the go to person for when this married A+ rapper who has also been in this space before has needed to relax for the past few months because his celebrity wife does not want to help him relax. Is it any surprise that everyone thinks her next album will do really well. I guess she is taking very good care of him. (CDAN)

Ashanti & Jay-Z?

It turns out this allegedly innocent NFL quarterback might not be so innocent after all. One of his admirers and fellow celebrity was overheard bragging the other day that she had no problems getting the quarterback into bed. (CDAN)

Tim Tebow? And the whole "one of his admirers" thing has pushed me right into Sarah Palin's name! Exhibit: A! But it's not what you think. They were just praying with their elbows on the mattress while wearing footie pajamas with the butt flap firmly buttoned.

What rising TV talk-show co-host – who has finally landed her own gig on a major network – is down in the dumps because she’s fallen for a high-profile politico who bats for the other team? Her career may be on the upswing, but her love life is still in the dugout! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Chelsea Handler and Barney Frank? Or Gayle King and Condi Rice?

This foreign born A list television star from a very hit network show has always come across as Mr. loving husband despite being separated by distance. Perhaps he should spend a little more time focusing on the Mrs and not the hookers he goes through by the dozens or hitting on fellow cast members. (CDAN)

Hugh Laurie? But we need to leave him alone. Everybody knows that absence (and hooker pussy) makes the heart grow fonder.

Which famous yo-yo dieter plumped up to become the spokesperson for a popular weight-loss program? The singer/actress was in dire need of a quick career boost – and the high-profile campaign was the best way to get back in the limelight to create some buzz for her planned career comeback! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Jessica Simpson? But this is a good thing, because somebody needs to eat sweetened lard cake with corn syrup frosting now that Paula Deen can't.