Blind Items

This foreign born B- list mostly television actor has been rising the fame charts the past few months. In a big way. Everyone thinks he is gorgeous and was thrilled that he had found a girlfriend. He didn't though and has had to back way off from being seen with her because his boyfriend was ticked. (CDAN)

The only thing I've got is Liv Tyler and Benedict Cumberbatch? But that doesn't really work, because if I went up to a human with semi-working eyeballs, showed them a picture of Benedict Cumsinbatches and asked them if they think he's gorgeous, they'd fist me in the nose for accusing them of being into amphibians. I don't think his lizard tongue gets the tingles for peen anyway. He's just old British money. They all look like they lost their butt cherry to the stable boy.

Everyone is so excited that these two lovebirds are back together! Sorry, but that kind of naivete is going to come back and bite you on the butt. Why? Because their reunion is both fake and temporary.

We told you before that they their original coupling took place in a publicist’s office. They became good friends, but nothing more. If they look like they are in love, it is only because they are actors. If they can convince you on screen, they can convince you off screen.

They are now reuniting as a “couple” to promote their new film. The success of that film with enable both of them to command top dollar for subsequent films, after which they will be parting once again. Their breakup is scheduled to occur in 2013 after the DVD release. (Blind Gossip)

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, obviously, but this blind item lost me at "can convince you on screen." The only thing they convinced me of is that a wet piece of toilet paper and a used-up bowl brush have more chemistry than they do.

This former reality star and now pretty much just a D list wannabe is telling friends she will never get pregnant again. Having a bay is way too inconvenient even with a nanny and it did not bring her as much money as she thought it would and she is worried she will not get enough child support to support herself when she splits with the baby daddy. (CDAN)

Shayne Lamas or Kristin Calamari?

What NBA all-star was confronted by a former A list tweener who offered her special services to the NBA star. He told her that he could have anyone he wanted and never has to pay. She replied that he has never had anyone do what she will do for him and let him do to her. Apparently the line worked because they were spotted leaving together about two minutes later. Guess he broke up with his girlfriend. Maybe. (CDAN)

Shaq and Lisa Welchel?

Which A list female singer was having some alone time with a stripper/escort and doing some oral activity when our singer puked all over the stripper/escort. Good times. Hey, at least our singer tipped well. How do you compensate for that though? (CDAN

Dionne Warwick! Or RiRi? But whatever, barfing on a peen during a beej gone wrong is a drunk slut's right of passage. Just in case the stripper/pussy peddler was a lady, I'll also say that barfing on a poon during a muffin tickle gone wrong is a drunk slut's right of passage.

Which two daytime talk-show co-hosts smile and chew the fat when the cameras are rolling, but as soon as the show is over they don’t even speak? The chatty ladies can’t stand each other and that’s left their other co-hosts stuck in the middle. Who are they? (The National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Beaker's long-lost twin Carla Hall and Daphne Oz from The Chew? Or EVERYONE and Elisabeth Hasselcrack from The View? Or EVERYONE and Julie Chen from The Talk?

Which deceased TV icon hid his gay lifestyle so well from fans and industry associates that not a single person approached his longtime lover at his funeral to offer condolences? But now the secret’s getting out – and one of his famous former co-stars from the classic sitcom they starred on intends to reveal all the juicy details in a tell-all book. (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Marla Gibbs, you wouldn't!

There’s a casting change coming up on this reality show! This woman was originally brought on board to support the controversial star of the show.

There are several problems, though. She and her husband are too broke to do or travel anywhere exciting; they are too boring to add anything in the way of storylines; and they have not been able to develop a passionate fan base. So while the star moves up, she will just be moved out. That’s the way the cookie crumbles!

They will still appear on the show occasionally next season, but she will no longer be an official cast member. Since she faked her wealth to be on the show in the first place, we’re sure that she will make up some sort of excuse as to why she got fired as well. (Blind Gossip)

This is obviously Kathy from The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but aren't all of those crazies fake rich? Teresa and Juicy Joe totally live in a 2 bedroom apartment above the pizza place and all the scenes that take place in their "opulent manor" are either shot on a soundstage or they shoot it guerrilla-style (pun intended) at an open house for some NJ mansion.

"I love when I get on a plane and leave my husband and kids behind. Most of the time I never want to go back. I only go back because I have no other place to go. I am always happiest when I am away from them all." B list actress/celebrity with A++ name recognition. (CDAN)

Every single married mother in the entire world.

We already told you that although this young man is married, he is gay and his marriage is fake, fake, fake! You may be curious as to whether or not he has a boyfriend. Yes, he does! The Boyfriend is a relatively unknown singer who hails from the same area where The Husband spent part of his childhood. He flies to wherever The Husband is so that they can spend time together. You will occasionally see them in paparazzi shots or in TV clips together, but they are never physical in front of the cameras. The Husband’s family does know about the relationship. Most of them are friendly with The Boyfriend both in person and on social media. Most of them. Not all. (Blind Gossip)

Kevin Jonas? If this is about Kevin Jonas and this blind item about Kevin Jonas is true, then while he's having tea in the closet with his shhhh gay piece, can he please shred all the clothes in there and start over again. Because that shirt (the "r" is silent) is never okay.

What host/reality star with almost A list name recognition takes so many pills to stay thin it is a wonder she can even function. (CDAN)

There's a good reason for why White Oprah dives into a bathroom stall after Bethenny Frankel uses it, and that's because Bethenny pisses out liquid Adderall.

This Academy Award winner/nominee actress is B- despite her acting resume which includes awards and franchises. She has a voodoo doll of another Academy Award winner/nominee A list actress who our B lister thinks is her biggest rival for parts. Everyday without fail she sticks the doll, but until recently it did not do any good. No matter what our B lister does, she is never the first choice for the parts and ends up taking leftovers. Often the leftovers are bombs and she knows she will disappear if she can't start getting some of the leads. This consumes her. All she ever talks about is the A list actress. Talk to her for five minutes and she will start complaining. One day she got very lucky though. She was doing her usual spouting off and some guy who wanted to have sex with her started talking about how he had seen the A lister going back to a hotel room with a guy who was most definitely not her significant other. The A lister has always said she has a wonderful relationship and her whole family life is perfect. Our B lister has taken advantage of this by being very sneaky. She has told select people like female producers and directors. They end up not wanting to hire the A list actress because who knows if the actress might end up going after their guy. One role that the A list actress was a lock to get, suddenly went to the B list actress. Now she has a popcorn flick and keeps on spreading the dirt as much as possible. (CDAN)

Betty White and Cloris Leachman?

What A list tweener singer told his on again and off again B list tweener girlfriend they would be off again unless she lost some weight. He said he doesn't like to see any fat and that she was getting "too curvy" for his own liking and embarrassing him in front of his friends by getting big. When she started crying, he said it was her problem, not his. (CDAN)

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez? I know Bieber is a freak of nature, because he's the only baby who runs away and cries when he sees a pair of actual female breasts, but there's no reason to get bitchy about it too. Nobody likes a cunty baby.

This weight-challenged star, who’s now on a new health kick, is trying to get the iconic fast-food stand Pink’s Hot Dogs in Hollywood to pull the popular wiener named after her. The new vegan convert is demanding that the stretch dog loaded with mustard, onions, chili and sauerkraut come off the menu! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Rosie O'Donnell's bitching about Pink's Rosie O'Donnell Long Island Dog, which is a 10 incher. I know, you'd think a Rosie O'Donnell hot dog would be made of rubber and topped with warm roast beef and oysters. In Rosie's honor, Pink's should replace her wiener with the Donald Trump dog, a 1" uncooked dog wrapped in hay and topped with a load of bull shit.

This would be the perfect time for this couple from the very large movie franchise to take their relationship public with all the other distracting news. She has to tell everyone she is pregnant at some point but he just is scared of the fallout from any announcement. Plus, he has been sleeping with someone else too and they don't know about his relationship so it could be awk-ward. (CDAN)

Peter Facinelli and the one who plays the vampire mom (don't make me Google for her name) in Twatlight? Just what Kelly Taylor needs!

She is very stuck up and barely talks to anyone on her staff. When she does, she is very short. She doesn’t yell, but she will make her displeasure clear by either giving you a cold stare or berating you in front of the rest of the staff.

“Are you a fucking idiot?” is her favorite question. She thinks that you should read her mind and intuitively know what she wants before she even asks for it. It doesn’t matter if you’re new or young or have barely ever spoken to her. You should just know what she wants!

Lately, she has been even more irritable than usual. She told someone on her staff to call and get her tickets to a sold-out concert. When they didn’t get the tickets, she lit into them at a production meeting. “Why the fuck do I even have you people? I don’t understand why I have to ask for things when you people should already know what the fuck I want? You’re all a bunch of fucking morons! Especially you,” she said, pointing at the young staffer. No wonder her entire staff hates her. (Blind Gossip)

Katie Couric? Judge Judy? Nancy Grace? RuPaul (I wish!)?

This is about a couple — Mr and Mrs Celebrity. Very famous. Rather wealthy. Sprinkled with stardust. Theirs is a long and enduring marriage. But when they met there was one major obstacle: Mr Celebrity was married. However, the wife-in-waiting was impatient and very keen to become Mrs Celebrity.

Somehow, just by chance, the inconvenient first wife came across some rather interesting pictures. This all happened a long time ago, but folks back home spread it around that Mr Celebrity and the wife-in-waiting had made sure that the first wife had graphic evidence of their relationship, thus precipitating a divorce. And so Mr & Mrs Celebrity married and lived happily ever after. (The Morton Report via Blind Gossip)

Steven Spielberg, Kate Capshaw and Amy Irving?

I could've gone through the rest of my life without knowing that pictures of Spielberg using an E.T. finger dildo on Kate Capshaw exist.

This actress has been keeping a really low profile this summer. That’s because she is recovering from a face lift. While we are not shocked that a Hollywood actress is getting plastic surgery, we are a bit surprised that this actress is getting her first lift done at such a young age. We haven’t seen her yet, but we hear that the work was “pretty extensive”, that she looks “different” but “not bad”, and that her husband “approves”.(Blind Gossip)

Katherine Heigl? And hopefully they pulled her face so tight that she can't open her mouth. ("But Michael, don't most of her verbal shit nuggets come out of her ass?" - You "Good point." - Me)

Which singer needs to curb her use of crack? This lady needs to look after that voice! (The Mirror via Blind Gossip)

Unless Xtina is smoking beer battered and deep fried crack rocks, this isn't her. The fat crackhead is a myth. My guess is Jessie J? She's on The X-Factor UK and "she's on crack" is a reasonable explanation for why her music sounds like that.

This is a complicated one, but a good one. It involves an A list movie actor who got his sometime mistress pregnant. The mistress is an actress too. She was in a relationship with a man who was totally head over heels and let our actress run all over him. She would do what she wanted, when she wanted and did it often. Our actor had to be a bit more discreet. His face is much more widely known than that of the mistress. She is known too, but not like the actor. Anyway, the mistress and her man never really had sex much so it came as a shock to many when she announced she was pregnant. She had never been shy about talking about the lack of sex. Turns out the child is actually the child of the A list actor. The two managed to keep it fairly quiet but as the looks became more obvious, the couple had to do something so what they managed to do was deflect all attention from the child for fear it would ruin the career of the A list actor. The child is never seen in public. Even though the mistress and her man are no longer together, the child continues to live with the man until such time as the child can be shipped to boarding school. The fact that all three of the people know and are willing to keep it quiet is amazing. There is a fourth person who knows and had to be paid off with a lot of money to keep her quiet and she also went on a nice year long vacation. You never see her anymore in public. (CDAN)

When all else fails, just play it safe and guess Rip Taylor and Betty White?

This female celebrity on Dancing With The Stars has been hitting on a dancer from day one. He keeps turning her down. She asked him why and he said it was because she was not famous enough or make enough money for him to be interested. (CDAN)

Kirstie Alley and ALL OF THEM especially Derek Hough since those Scientologists love gays.

You know how The Situation is always willing to take out his abs and show them off for women or for $20? Yeah, well this actor who really should be A list by now because of his talent, but has a horrible way of messing things up with everything he does away from the cameras which keeps him at a B- level. Good looking though. Well, our actor has the habit of whipping out his peen for anyone who cares to see. Of course he has to be drunk first which knowing our actor is possible Monday - Friday anytime after 5pm or so and on the weekends, depending on what time he awakens, anytime after about 1pm. If you see him in a club or in a bar and would like to see his peen, just ask and he will be glad to show it. The problem is that his girlfriends do not always enjoy this behavior. Our actor, who is known for his peen and for his drinking has not always been the most faithful of sorts. And when you are pulling out your peen on request, and only by request, things happen. You know, it could slip in here or there, and the next thing you know you have a situation which the girlfriend does not really appreciate. So, then he is forced to take his peen and move on. (CDAN)

Michael Fassbender is probably B-list-ish, but I don't think acts of foolery are keeping him from touching the top of the A-list. But since my delusional dream of seeing Michael Assbender's peen live and in person is more important than reasonable thinking, I'll guess him.

But there's really an easy way to find out the real answer. Since I obviously only hang out in places where almost A-list actors hang out, I'll just ask every almost A-list actor if he'll autograph my cheek with his peen. If I get hit with almost A-list peen instead of a bodyguard's fist, I'll have my answer!

We said it wouldn’t last… and it didn’t! After shocking the world by pairing up in the first place, this notorious bachelor and his beautiful girlfriend of “questionable talent” have parted ways. Wonder how long she’ll wait before parting her legs for the next baller in line? (Bossip via Blind Gossip)

Shaq & Hoopz. Exhibit: EVERYTHING.

That really is a shame, because I've always said that the key to a long-lasting relationship is being able to give your full-time fuck partner a beej while standing up.

Which married aging male heartthrob – he’s known for his charitable works and environmental activism – is now worried that a tell-all book about his secret extramarital affair will soon be published? The squeaky-clean, still-handsome 70-something star had written the woman off as a non-issue long ago, but it turns out she’s the one who’s been writing! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Robert Redford?

What A-list, never-married movie star was spotted lunching with his attorney as they went over specifics of a prenup? The 30-something hunk has a penchant for dating leggy lingerie models, but he thinks his latest love interest is Mrs. Right! Let’s hope she signs on the dotted line! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

First there's a blind item about George Clooney putting a ring on Stacy Keibler's finger and now here's a blind item about Leonardo DiCatchAHo no longer catching hos? This just doesn't make sense. Maybe those two blind items are mixed up and George is proposing to Leo and Leo won't say yes unless George signs a prenup. Because that makes sense.

Nothing to laugh about here -- this one we will all be sad about. All of us. Because it’s almost over for them. After rising together and stabilising together and conveniently finding a home together, where you’d think work would be so much easier, and having the babies too, they’re close to formally ending it, and there may be an announcement soon...which, well, if you look at him it doesn’t seem to have affected him physically. Everyone says he really cares about his appearance these days, more than ever, and is looking hotter than ever. Or, as one person put it, “hot all of a sudden”. Emotionally too he hasn’t let on that there’s anything wrong. For what it’s worth, I’m told there was no third party involvement. Perhaps that means it’s amicable, just the end of their story. Perhaps we’ll be more choked about it than they are. As I drench my waffles in more maple syrup. (Lainey Gossip)

Because of that last line, the Internet thinks this is about Amy Poehler and Will Arnett. The only way to know for sure is to check the logs at every suicide hotline to see if there was a call from "True Love."

Which former “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew” alum has relapsed, gained a ton of weight back and is now in serious condition at a Los Angeles-area hospital? Hitting rock bottom for the umpteenth time hasn’t changed the grumpy, bloated D-lister’s sour attitude – the hospital staff threatened to transfer him if he didn’t stop harassing the nurses! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Tom Sizemore or Jason "Gummi Bear" Davis, or honestly, every single ex-Celebrity Rehabber.

Which high-profile TV personality – people in Hollywood call her an “attack dog,” and most say THAT’S a compliment – has been hiding a lesbian secret? The twice-divorced loudmouth says she has been burned by men in the past, but has always preferred women! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

The only shit I've got is either Nancy Grace or Gloria Allred? Nancy's still married to her first husband and Wiki says Gloria has only been divorced once. So I'm just going to say that it's both of them and when they aren't screaming at a camera lens, they're munching the rage out of each other.

This bachelor is quite the catch. He is handsome, talented, and always has his pick of the best projects and the most beautiful women. While he always seemed content dating the same type of girl over and over again (even sometimes going back to the same girl more than once), it looks like he is ready to pop the question! He is quietly having a mind-bending engagement ring made for the lucky lady, and will propose before the end of the year. (Blind Gossip)

George Clooney, and if this is true, I'm sure he'll propose on International Fuckit Day.

Which early ’90s badboy reality star, who’s now married with children, has found love away from his manipulative and cheating wife…with another MAN? The hard-partying personality, whose cast mates once referred to as “homophobic,” is this close to coming out as gay! Who is he? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

The only reality show, besides Cops, that was on in the 90s was The Real World and the only bad bitch with semi-homo-hating tendencies was Puck from The Real World: San Francisco. It warms my down low parts knowing that now women AND men know what it feels like to make out with a giant crusted over loogie that smells like old scabs. I can almost hear Pedro softly laughing from heaven.

This former famous mistress, who helped send her ex-lover to jail for murdering his wife by testifying for the prosecution at his trial, is now turning tricks for money in Thailand! She’s so broke that she’s telling friends she had to turn to the world’s oldest profession just to make ends meet. (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

I can't wait to see the new book, "Turning Tricks For Money In Thailand by Amber Frey," lying in front of a toilet in the last stall in the Barnes & Noble bathroom.

This superstar made lots of promises to help these people in a foreign country, and received tons of publicity as a result. However, you would be hard-pressed to find locals who still have a lot of love for her. That’s because when the publicity waned, so did her interest in helping. She has almost completely abandoned the project, leaving locals even worse off than they were before she got there. (Blind Gossip)

Madge? They should totally turn the land where her school was supposed to be into a hydrangea farm.

Which global star is cheating on his A-list American wife with a member of his entourage? (People.co.uk via Blind Gossip)

Chris Martin and GOOP?

This one is just weird. This handsome actor has at least two films coming out in the next year. He has dated several famous beautiful women, including a famous model and a famous actress.

Here’s something interesting though: When he dates a non-famous woman, he has a specific physical type. Of course they are usually tall, leggy, and blonde… but there is one physical feature on which he is completely fixated…

Their chin. He thinks that cleft chins are an incredible turn on. Nothing arouses him more than kissing and stroking a woman’s cleft chin. Oh, and he expects you to run your tongue inside his little groove in return. Yes, he has a cleft chin, too.

One of the women described his chin fetish this way: “It’s not horrible. It’s just f*cking weird. You’re just lying there wondering when he’s going to be done licking your chin. And then he wants you to do it to him.”

So, next time you see this actor with a beautiful, non-famous woman, you will know that he hasn’t fallen for her beauty or her brains or her talent. He’s fallen for her chin. (Blind Gossip)

The only guess I've got is Aaron Eckhart? Aaron's dated Molly Simms and there's a rumor that he dated GOOPY Paltrow for a quick second, and he's got a spectacular butt chin.

That nasty chin licker. I bet that when he's in the same room as Rumer Willis, he starts salivating from every orifice. All he wants to do is press her chin skin together to make the ass chin of all ass chins, and then toss that front salad until his tongue goes dry.

My only question about this is, can you hump a chin crack with your peen too? I would Google "chin fucking," but I don't think I'm ready to know whether or not the line "Fuck that butt chin, papi!" has ever been screamed out before.

Which TV actress has secretly broken up with her hunky sitcom co-star – she never owned up to the romance publicly – and is going through a massive midlife crisis? The rail-thin single mom doesn’t think she can keep a good man, so she’s actually contemplating taking back her wacky ex! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Courteney Cox, Josh Hopkins and David Arquette?

Which closeted TV chef is carrying on a down-low romance with an openly gay actor/comedian from a popular sketch comedy show? The handsome cook refuses to come out of the closet – he has a gorgeous girlfriend – but his gay secret is about to explode because his new lover is yapping all over town about his celebrity boyfriend! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

In my dreams this is Gordon Ramsay and Matt Lucas. But it's not, so I'll guess Rocco DiSpirito and somebody from The Big Gay Sketch Show?

BONUS: Remember that blind item about cucumber sex in the garden? Lainey might've revealed that it's about Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson.

This TV star, who has some rom-com films under his belt, is begging his A-list girlfriend to marry him. She is considering it, but he insists on adopting her daughter after they marry. She didn’t want to hurt his feelings by vetoing him outright, but she has no plans to actually let him have any legal right to the child. However, he was up the creek after he referred to the child as his stepdaughter in front of mixed company. A huge fight led to a brief cool down in their relationship and he has remained quiet on the subject since. (Hollywood Dame via Blind Gossip)

Jason Segal & Michelle Williams? Exhibit: A?

What celebrity wife of a former A list celebrity told him she would divorce him unless he got them a reality show. She also made it clear that until he got her a reality show there would be no sex. Well, he got her the reality show, but she is still holding off on that sex. She is also holding off on being nice to the guy unless there are cameras present. Probably the most miserable celebrity marriage at the moment. (CDAN)

The Kevin Jonas guess is out, because if his Haylie Duff on horse pills-looking wife refused to give up the 'gina unless he got her a reality show, he'd never EVER get her a reality show ever EVER. He'd become as allergic to reality shows as he is to coochies in the flesh.

I'll guess Clint and Dina Eastwood?

Whose boyfriend is gay and she doesn't really mind, seeing as this is what she wanted right now and he looks good? Besides, her manager actually likes her having a ditzy queen in her life, as opposed to someone who might boss her around? (La Daily Musto via Blind Gossip

"Ditzy Queen" has a much nicer ring to it than the name "Casper Smart."

What B- list always now television actress from a very hit cable show tells her child to call all her dates daddy. If they don't freak out when she says that in front of the man then she goes on a second date with them. Of course she also talks about getting married to them too and has been known to bring out a Brides magazine during a first date, while at dinner. (CDAN)

The bigger question is: How can this not be Jennifer Love Hewitt?!

BONUS: Some Hollywood actress type is anonymously writing for xo Jane about how she used to suck down Adderall like it's filled with Twinkie filling and now she's quitting. It's probably some actress we've never heard of whose biggest credit is being call girl #2 in an episode of Entourage, but I'm going to guess that it's either Noah Cyrus or Cloris Leachman.