Blanket Jackson

While surrounded by Janet, Jermaine, Rebbie, Rebbie's daughter and the marketing director of the Arizona resort (????????), Katherine Jackson awkwardly read from a prepared script in front of ABC News' cameras yesterday afternoon. This has to be the most bizarre hostage video I've ever seen.

A quick second after a judge gave temporary guardianship of Paris, Blanket and Prince to timeless beauty TJ Jackson, Katherine tried to kill the rumors going around by saying that her kids did not concoct a diabolical plan to kidnap her and that she was just on a short vacation. With Janet glaring down at her with stank eyes, Granny Jackson fumbled the words, plugged the name of the resort and then spewed out some ridiculousness about how she didn't want any phone calls while she was there and her her assistant checked up on the kids from time to time. Here's a piece of the statement that Granny Jackson totally wrote on her own (she totally didn't write that at all), but click here for the entire thing:

Hello, I'm Katherine Jackson, and there are rumors going around about me that I have been kidnapped and held against my will.

I am here today to let everybody know that I am fine and I am here with my children, and my children would never do a thing to me like that, holding me against my will. It's very stupid for people to think that.

But anyway, I am devastated that while I've been away, that my children, my grandchildren, have been taken away from me, and I'm coming home to see about that, also.

So I spoke to my grandson, TJ, last night, that I left there to be in charge of my children -- and I never leave home without leaving them with instructions of who to stay there with them, the nanny and all of them -- and someone had let go the cook, the nanny, and also the housekeepers. I don't know who did that but they don't have that power and they shouldn't have done it.

And now, the people are saying they are there with nothing to eat. I am sure they have something to eat but it's probably not healthy because the cook is not there.

But since I have also been away, my guardianship, which I just said, my children, have been taken away from me, my guardianship has been taken away from me. And, but, I spoke to my grandson TJ and also I spoke to Prince and Paris last night and told him I would be home today and they're waiting for me to come.

And I told him it wasn't necessary for him to go down and sign for guardianship. ... I don't know who instructed him to do that -- but that's what, but he wanted me to come home before that happened, but the ruling in court today was about the guardianship and I think it was based on a bunch of lies, but I have a good idea who's doing that and who's behind that.

But I am grateful for my children that they saw that I needed rest and they wanted to take me away for a while, just a short vacation and rest up. But one thing I have to say ... that I'm here at Miraval. They have taken good care of me and have made sure that I got the rest that I needed.

One reason I haven't called is I just gave up my phone and I didn't want to have any phone calls while I was here.

That entire statement belongs in a book of Jackson family folklores, because it is several stream of lies. If I skipped out on the children that I'm legally required to take care of and didn't tell them where I was going or check up on them to see that they're still breathing, that's me trying to get them taken away from me so I don't have to deal with their asses. I wouldn't be devastated, I'd be throwing off my wig and getting loose. You know, yesterday I read a story at TMZ about how Granny Jackson sounded drugged up when she called the house and fired all the security guards. I brushed it off and figured Granny Jackson just had a hit from a blunt with her nightly glass of sherry. But now I'm staring to think that one of her kids definitely crushed something into her bowl of mashed golden prunes.

I can't blame Granny Jackson for saying those lies on camera. I too would say whatever they wanted me to say if Jermaine Jackson's Jabba the Hutt titties were hovering above me like two ominous clouds with hard nipples. That's almost worse than a ho pointing a gun to your wig.

Both TMZ and Radar are saying that Operation: Keep Grandma Away has been called off and Katherine Jackson is making her way back to Calabasas, CA from Arizona to hopefully line everyone up and slap the shit out of them for screwing with her spa vacation. Randy Jackson, the leader of the scheme to take over Michael Jackson's estate, went on GMA this morning to say that Katherine has talked to Paris, Blanket and Prince and told them she's coming back home.

TMZ claims that Randy, Janet, Jermaine, Rebbie and Tito (who has since dropped out of the scheme) came up with a diabolical plan to kick the executors of MJ's estate off their thrones and take over.  Part of their plan was to get Katherine Jackson out of the way first by kidnapping her and moving her to a resort in Arizona with zero cell phone service and zero access to a computer and phone. When they completed that mission, their next mission was to get Paris, Prince and Duvet to Arizona too. But Paris wasn't going to be a part of their shady schemes and got into a slap fight with Aunt Janet (Paris later denied that slaps were thrown). Their plot really started to crumble like Bubbles emotions after he finds out about this shit when Tito's son TJ Jackson started to make plans to file for temporary guardianship of MJ's kids.

Radar says that after TJ made it clear he's going to court this morning to ask for guardianship, Janet and Jermaine flew to Arizona to bring Katherine Jackson back to L.A. so she can fight to stay on as the kids' legal caretaker.

Randy went on Al Sharpton's MSN show last night and said that he believes the executors are evil con artists who faked Michael Jackson's will and are up to no good. But one of TMZ's sources say that Randy and the others are only trying to get control of MJ's estate, because once Katherine Jackson hits the elevator button marked "heaven," all the money will go to his kids and his siblings won't get shit.

The only thing I have to say about the current state of this novella mess is: Where are the reality shows cameras when we really, really need them, because I really want to see the face Katherine Jackson made when she said, "You interrupted my oatmeal facial for this shit?!"

UPDATE: The court just suspended Grandma Katherine's guardianship and made TJ temporary guardian. TJ is going for permanent guardianship now. Okay, so does that mean Katherine Jackson can go back to the spa to finish her damn oatmeal facial?!

And it keeps getting messier. The executors of Michael Jackson's Estate and his three kids, Prince, Paris and Blanket all want the court to give Tito's son and the Hot Slut of my heart, TJ Jackson, temporary guardianship, because they believe that their aunties and uncles have kidnapped Katherine Jackson. Meanwhile, Katherine Jackson is far from the drama in Arizona and busy worrying about whether or not she's going to beat Rebbie's ass in a game of Uno.

TMZ says that 34-year-old TJ Jackson, who is married with two children, is having his lawyers put together the legal documents and he's expected to file them any day now. Michael Jackson's Estate and MJ's kids all want TJ to take over as guardian until all this messy drama gets cleaned up. If it ever will (this is the Jackson family we're talking about, it never will). All of this went down just hours after Janet Jackson went crazy on Paris Jackson by trying to snatch away her cell phone.

So if the kids want the always gorgeous TJ Jackson to be their guardian, does that mean Tito isn't in on the kidnapping scheme? Or maybe the kids specifically said they want TJ Jackson's luscious otter brows to be their guardian, because his eyebrows would probably do the best job and they look pretty maternal. And you might be wondering where Detective La Toya is in all of this. Shhh, don't say anything, but she's deep, deep, deep undercover and is creeping through the cobblestone streets to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. Don't blow her cover!

UPDATE: Tito Jackson has dropped out of Team Take Over MJ's Estate and is no longer trying to overthrow the executors of MJ's will. Tito better run, because Janet Jackson isn't playing anymore and she's so going to get him for this.

Jennifer Hudson got on the bad side of Michael Jackson's spirit by pulling out of his tribute concert due to "production problems" after collecting her check, and the audience ran to the exit out of fear when Xtina dropped to the stage looking like Jabba the Drunk Slutt that will suck, fuck and eat everything in its path, but the show was saved by the luminescent goddess angel that is LA TOYA JACKSON!

Looking like an X-ray that got exposed too soon, Detective La Toya got to the bottom of GLAMOUR and TALENT in Wales at last night's hot wreck of a Michael Jackson Tribute Concert which was less of a tribute concert and more of another way of making money off of Michael Jackson. But I'm not mad, because if it didn't happen then Toy Toy would've never covered the stage with layers of exquisite perfection as she hypnotized the eyes of thousands with her natural born talent while wearing a jacket with gigantic bedazzled butt plugs on the shoulders. Or maybe those were rhinestone-encrusted candy corn tops, which would explain why Xtina tried to mount one while licking on the other.

The Jackson children were also there last night and if you need an official review of this tribute concert, you'll find the best one in Blanket's side-eye.